Probably so.
There's some seriously sick people out there... sad.

The genuine posters here are like sitting ducks for the pro-adultery trolls who think this is all so funny.
Ah but we have to be careful not to say something nasty to them.
This is the most tempted I've been here to post something that would be edited... but I won't. (At least I don't think what I'm typing is too harsh UNLESS taken totally out of the context of this WH's crude and casual attitude.)

It just goes to show that the internet is just a tool that can be used for good or evil.

My WXH is a seriously sick dude, but even he isn't as sick as some of the trolls we see here. My WXH's sickness and spiritual battle is a private one he may never overcome. But he's not online at a site for helping people recover from adultery just to toy with them. My WXH is nowhere near that far gone.

If this guy really is a WH, not just a troll, then IMHO we should pray for his wife and son. Hopefully they will see him for what he is ASAP and start a new life without him.

You are welcome, I am SLOW but I am sure!! A word to the wise, though, ask OW to bring her cootie papers and make sure she has cleared her cootie check. Them little buggers can ruin a good time!

I HAVE shown my wife this website and she thinks it's a waste of time. She thinks reading books, going to counseling, and discussing things together is a better use of our time. She even wishes I wouldn't spend time and energy here, ..... time and energy that I could be focusing on her. She may have a point.

I'm starting to wonder. Nobody seems to be able to answer the question of why my wife should not contact the OW if she wants to. All I get is personal attacks and doubts about my sincerity. Hmmmmmm, if no one can answer that question, then maybe you really don't know why you believe what you believe. Interesting, .......

I guess if there's no answer to that question, maybe we should end this thread. My original question has been answered. People seem to be getting frustrated here. Posts are becoming more unproductive. I've learned a lot in the process, especially how to laugh at the puking smilies. Is it time to call it quits? If no one else has anything worthwhile to say, I think we should.

__________________

MrsWondering, if my wife was raped and SHE wanted to call the rapist in order to reach closure, then I'd say ok. And yes, I do realize the "emotional bond" I had with the OW was not real, it was a fantasy.

Princess, I am for real. Yes my wife does have issues, don't we all? I'm not making this up as I go, I'm just living and learning. I'm not playing you. I tried to send my wife here, even tried to get her to post, but she said no.

iam, love those pukies You're such a sweetie!

meremortal, I do care about my marriage. I don't think this is funny, ...... except iam's posts, ...... and sparring w/ Melody is kinda fun too, ....... but other than that, apart from the personal attacks, there's a lot of useful information here.

Melody, you're probably targeting me, but I'm not pro-adultery. .......and really? you almost posted something worth editing? Now THAT would make me smile! To think I almost got under that thick skin of yours that you told me I had to grow. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Thank you for your prayers. BTW, OW gets blood tests once a month, she's clean, don't worry.

I personally think it is a very bad idea for you or your W to contact the OW because it breaks the NC agreement.

If your W talks to OW, how will you feel? You'll want to know what they said, how things went. Your W will tell you, sure. But you'll want to hear OW's side of the story, too. It would be tempting to contact her *just about this*. Even if you don't contact her, it will put her in your thoughts again, and you don't need that.

It is a very bad idea to bring OW into your M in any way, shape or form. She absolutely, positively, has no business in your M at all.

Besides, any questions your W has are best answered by you.

If your W asks OW "What did you do that made him feel so special?" the OW may think it was one thing while you really appreciated something else entirely. YOU, and you alone, are the best judge of what makes you feel loved and special. Really, that's what it boils down to. OW was attractive because she made you feel special, wanted, admired, cared about. It's up to you to figure out why she made you feel that way, and tell your W.

Yes, your W has a right to ask about and understand the A. That information should come from you, and you alone. The OWs perception of the A is completely irrelevant. Her perception of your M is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that you and your wife examine the A, the whys, and what it meant to YOU.


Regarding her lunch - you owe it to your wife to openly and honestly tell her that it DOES bother you when she is alone with another man. You can't make her not see him, but you can kindly ask that she not, and tell her how it makes you feel when she does. Use an "I" statement to do this. An "I" statement begins with only observable, certifiable, measurable facts. No descriptive phrases or interpretation. Then the statement of how you feel. A good example would be "When you meet another man for lunch, I feel..." Bad examples would be "When you hang around that panting lecherous loser, it makes me feel..." or "Knowing you're looking forward to spending time with him makes me feel..."

Just the facts. Then the "I feel".

Hey fellow posters on MB, why would any of us respond to this?

Moi?? Getting edited?? NO WAY, baby! I am an angel!

I am glad to hear she has been cleared for cooties. Can you buy cootie killer over the counter at Walgreens, I wonder?

Turtlehead, where have you been? It's so nice to hear from you -- a voice of stability in the midst of chaos. Once again, you came through. What you said makes complete sense. I will print your post and have my wife read it. I think it will help her with her desire to contact the OW. We'll have to work on the process of me delivering information that she needs about the affair. I try to be open with her when she has questions, but it's not easy because it's something I'm ashamed of. It's easier to talk about it here in the anonymity of the internet than it is face-to-face with her. I've been vague in answering some of her questions because of that, and that's one of the reasons she mentioned wanting to talk with the OW. Thanks for your advice.

Regarding the lunch, she called me just a few minutes ago and said she decided not to have lunch with the other guy. She sensed this morning that I was not comfortable with it, and since things have been getting better between us lately, she didn't want to upset that. Thanks for the "I feel" advice. I will try to tell her how I felt this morning when I get home later.

Have a great day, and again, it was nice to hear from you. Take care.

Your BW can and is entitled to do whatever she wants. I don't see her making contact the same as you breaking the NC rule - if she really wants to do it.

The question is, what purpose will it serve? She won't get any honest answers from her - and even if she does she'll never know. Perhaps she wants to see what OW looks like - see if she's younger or more beautiful? What good will that do? If OW is younger and more beautiful it could hurt your BW more. If not, it will still leave her wondering what OW has that she doesn't. If she wants to hurt her - do some kind of damage to her face that leaves a scar, she'll go to jail. Honestly, I don't see how this would help her.

I knew that! Such a sweet, sweet angel you are. Muahhh!


Ok, ok, you win. I give up. Not going to answer that one!

Let's not forget the SOURCE of said "chaos" being your sociopathic-like posts, okay brwmb?

Why don't you tell us what you think OW could tell your wife that would possibly be helpful to your wife or your marriage? Since you are the one that painted the picture of yourself that you wanted OW to see, it seems to me that it should be YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to tell your wife anything that she asks...Your shame is NOTHING in the face of the great PAIN that you have caused your wife, so you best just knock off that "vague" crap right now...

Mrs. W

It's now starting to look to me like you want your wife and OW to clean up your mess while you sit there hiding behind "your shame"...Grow up, be a man, take responsibility and clean up your own messes brwmb...

Mrs. W

WHOOT!!!
(actually, I think it's spelled "WOOT" but I like mine better)

Be sure and tell your W how much you appreciate her consideration and care. And in the future, don't expect her to be a mind reader. She might not pick up on your feelings, and you might resent her for it. It's lots easier just to say "When you get all hot and excited about seeing that lowlife scumball perv monster in a private little back corner booth at an intimate restaurant, I feel...."

DO thank your wife. She broke an established tendency and pattern out of a desire to make things change in the marriage.

(I think she likes you)

Great insight.
She's seeking the information from an alternative source because she's frustrated and/or doubtful about getting the full scoop from you.

You have two jobs:
First, suck it up and be totally honest no matter how ashamed you are. If it's really bad, write it down and let her read it. Sometimes it's easier to write something than to make your voice say it out loud where the words hang in the air and echo in the silence.

Second, IF your wife is doing anything that makes it hard for you to be completely honest (getting angry, being judgmental or disrespectful) then kindly call her attention to it with one of those "I feel" statements. I don't think she's doing this or you would have mentioned it, but I bring it up just in case.

Who in the world, aside from "working girls", get blood tests once a month to check for STDs????

brwmb,
This is very very sad. You are HOOKED (pun intended) and are risking your marriage (not to mention yours and your wife's health) on a prostitute?

Good grief.

BTW: MB Membership, the only reason brwmb is writing about OW and his wife meeting is because then he gets to THINK ABOUT OW, who he is addicted to. The discussion is feeding his addiction.

Jo

ITA Jo!!!

Mrs. W

Yup. If there's any truth at all here.

Hi Turtlehead, thanks for your support. I printed your post and have it ready should the topic of my wife contacting the OW come up. I don't think I'll bring up the subject unless she does. A quote from Surviving an Affair:


I agree with that. It seems like everytime we talk about the affair or the OW, it brings up hurt and sorrow and sets us back somewhat. Unless my wife has questions or issues specifically related to the affair and/or OW that she needs answered, I want to avoid the subject for now.

Last night, while I was doing the dishes and my wife took the dogs for a walk -- yes, that's right, SHE took them for a walk. See? I AM trying to avoid triggering thoughts of the OW. Anyways, I was thinking about you and wondering why I get such different vibes from your posts than I do from others. I sense warmth and caring from you. From many others, I sense judgmentalism and cynicism. I haven't been on this forum long, but I get the sense that you are respected here. I wonder if others on this thread, who've made claims that I'm not sincere and that I'm just trying to get a reaction, feel that you have been duped by me. I hope YOU don't. I value your input tremendously. In fact, a feeling came over me last night that I wanted to share with you. I feel such a depth of concern and caring from you that it provides me with one more reason to work hard on my marriage. I feel that if my marriage ended, I'd be disappointed to tell you because you've tried so much to help me and you'd be sad. The thought I had was something like "if Turtlehead cares enough to help me as much as she has, then I just HAVE to make my marriage work. I have to work hard and make it work. I must do it." There's no guarantee that it WILL work, but your input gives me extra motivation to work on it. Thank you, and I hope that gives you a smile and makes your day just a little bit better.

My wife and I are headed out of town for a short trip this weekend -- no kids, no pets. We've got some books to discuss during the drive, and for the first time in quite a while, I'm actually looking forward to spending time with her. I can feel a connection between us starting to return. It's still not much of one, but it's better than it has been in a long time, and it's a step in the right direction. Thank you is not enough, but it's all I can offer right now. You've helped me, us, more than you probably realize.

Have a nice weekend. Take care.

" I feel that if my marriage ended, I'd be disappointed to tell you because you've tried so much to help me and you'd be sad. The thought I had was something like "if Turtlehead cares enough to help me as much as she has, then I just HAVE to make my marriage work. I have to work hard and make it work. I must do it."

It seems like to me you are buttkissing Turtle here so as to hide the fact that all you say is just a big story and you are mentally unstable and are playing us, big time, on MB.

BR:

This MB stuff takes time.

It doesn't happen overnight. AND it works both ways.

Some of the harsh posts to you are the 2x4's that folks get for "stinkin' thinkin'" Surprisingly enough, even BS's get them when they don't respond as quickly either.

And your thread title is pretty offensive off the bat, so, that doesn't put some of the posters into a good mood.

If you want Turtlehead to be your accounatability partner, theres nothing wrong with that. If she has a way of posting to you that makes sense, and you get going down the road to were you really need to be, then that works well. Others who want you to RUN down that road, instead of you walking, well, that's thier issue to deal with.

Otherwise, you just scared Turtlehead silly and she will never post to you again. But I guess thats up to her.

Enjoy your weekend. All the Harley books are available on CD, and you can listen to them as you drive as well.

One last thing:

Answer your W's questions about the affair. Don't hold back. You want to get closer to your W? Then answer her questions. EVEN IF it makes you uncomfortable. Especially if it makes BS uncomfortable. Because she will not get COMFORTABLE until you have answered any questions that she might have. ANd that can take awhile. Months even.

LG

Hi lousygolfer, thanks for your thoughts. I tried changing the thread title but couldn't find a way. I see your point, and in hindsight, I shouldn't have used such an unrepentant title. Looks like it's too late to do anything about it now.

I don't know why you said I might have scared Turtlehead off. She's been a great help, and all I wanted to do was let her know that and express thanks to her.