Okay I don't really have my own thread and a couple of days ago a poster wanted me to have one so they could respond to me and not thread jack another posters thread.

I had a metldown this morning so I figure today is as good a day as any to start my own thread.

My H and I have worked very hard at recovery. My H has been very remorseful and has become an amazing husband and father over the past year and a half. My H tells me he is very happy his life and that I am the most wonderful woman in the world. Sounds good, right? So why do I still doubt that my H is happy? I think I figured it out to a certain extent. Most days I am happy and feel good, but then something will trigger me and my thoughts go right back to OW and the A. I have become pretty good at hiding my feelings when I have these bad days and then I realized that if I am hiding my feelings, how do I know that my H is not really unhappy and hiding his feelings? Ugh it just sucks.

So here is my question. Is this normal for my time frame? I know that at 6 months I hit a low point and then at 1 year I did also, but I haven't heard much about what the norm is for 1.5 years.

I'm over 2 years in, and I could have a meltdown every single day, without exception.

Every day.

I've had to learn to "hold it in"...the last time I really exploded was the last time I drank, which was in June of '07.

Unfortunately, one way I've kept from erupting on a regular basis is to make myself not care.

"Is she cheating? Who cares?"

"Was she lying about ______? Who cares?

"Will I ever trust her, or love her like I used to? Who cares?"

I think I'll always have doubts; I wouldn't be too concerned about having them if I were you. It comes with the territory.

Honey, what is normal is what's normal for you. I was still having meltdowns at 2.5 - 3 years, but thanks to MB (which I found after year 3), I learned how to deal with it. Today, it's not an issue, not that I don't think about it, but I can actually examine "it" without the raw and angry pain I felt way back when.

Okay so I feel like writing out the details of my meltdown this morning.

My H had been out of town for 3 days and I spent a lot of time on MB reading and posting. I think I was triggered by reading about others in such similar situations and what they were stuggling with.

Months ago I had decided that I was going to stop punishing my H for his A and that I really wanted to move forward. I know that when I cry and hurt it really hurts my H. I really feel like we have both hurt each other so much in the past and I did not want to hurt him anymore. I feel like he does everything he can to show me he loves me and I want to do that for him also. Of course I still cry at times, but I usually do it when my H is not home and I do not tell him about it.

Then this morning we were snuggling in bed and my H rolled over away from me. For some reason that just set me off. I asked him where he was going and he said he was hot (it was hot). There must have been something in my voice or my body language but he sensed right away something was wrong and he asked me if I was okay. I began crying and told him that I didn't know how to answer that. He was very sweet and said somthing like well you can say you're okay or you're not. I told him that I felt like I could not tell him how I really felt or what was bothering without hurting him and that I just didn't know what to do. I told him my head was full of stupid questions and he calmly told me to ask my questions. So I did. I asked where OW worked. I asked what he would do if he saw her. I asked about a couple things he did different now such as making tea in the morning and buying a certain shampoo, I wanted to know if OW had introduced him to those things. I asked him what he thought his life would be like if we had not gotten back together, which led to a whole different set of questions.

He answered every question I asked and he told me that he loved me and that without me he would be drunk and living in a one bedroom apartment alone. I told him I was sorry and he told me he was the one who was sorry and he asked what I was sorry for. I told him I was sorry because I know that talking about all this hurts him.

Basically it was a very sad conversation between two people who love each other and wish they would stop the others pain.

It's been almost 1.5 years already, please tell me it will get better.

Krazy that is one thing I am worried about a lot. Sometimes I feel like I have become a Stepford Wife (I only saw the old version of the movie). I do everything I can to be the perfect wife including suppressing my feelings and trying not to care, if I think that is what would make my H happy. I can also relate to the exploding while drinking. I did that about once a month (PMS time) for the first six months.

TTLIG,

""I told him I was sorry and he told me he was the one who was sorry and he asked what I was sorry for. I told him I was sorry because I know that talking about all this hurts him.""

So how did you feel after the discussion? Better?

I would not call that a meltdown. I would call it a positive step in recovery.

That you can both calmly ask and answer questions is huge. Your communication, and your husband's patience, understanding and love for you says very much. This should have made you all warm and fuzzy.

Look at it as a good thing, an advancement.

The more communication between you the better it will get.

After reading your post, in my humble opinion, your handle TryingToLetItGo, maybe should be FightingNOTToLetItGo.

What do you think?

kirk

If it makes you feel any better, for myself, it has gotten better. I think I spent the first nine months of R needing 1-2 drinks every night before bedtime to calm down (I know this is very bad...) I felt like I was trying to balance an emotional teacup AT ALL TIMES. The smallest thing would tip the cup and it would be so hard for me to regain my equilibrium.

I don't know what has happened in the last month of two...as I approach the one-year anniversary of d-day, I am strangely much calmer, I don't cry regularly and I am able to focus on other areas of my life. Triggers still do a number on me but the occurrence is much less frequent.

On the other hand, I have noticed some of my thinking resembles a "renter" vs a "buyer" as a result of my H's EA which I am concerned about. I'll save that for another post...

Hang in there. It will get better!

On one hand I did feel really good, it felt amazing to have my H reasure me that he loves me, it felt good that he answered my questions and there was not a hint of him trying to protect OW, so yes it did make me all warm and fuzzy in that aspect.

On the other hand I felt like crap because I know that it hurts my H that I still hurt, which is why I try not to let him see my pain. It just really sucks that to relieve my pain I have to imflict pain on my H. That is my real struggle. It seems like what I need to feel better just hurts my H. I just want the pain to stop for both of us.

As for my handle being FightingNOTToLetItGo I don't agree. I fight daily to let it go, I look at all that my H does to show me his love and I fight to not let the bad thoughts take me over. One of the things I told my H this morning was that I was really angry that I still had these thoughts, I want them gone. I want with all my heart to let it go!

See that is one of my worries. I was an emotional teacup during the first six months, then it got better, then I crashed at one year, then it got better and I thought I was doing great, then I crashed again. I'm just getting worn out and broken feeling from all the crashing.

I know exactly what you mean about the renter vs buyer thinking and it sucks!

OK, I jumped over to your thread from mine Our stories are very similiar TTLIG, I would sware it's me typing some of what you have posted.

First, I have 2 types of meltdowns, I have my 1.) crying meltdown, where there is sadness, depression, hopelessness, helplessness and crying non-stop. And then I have my 2.) all out RAGE meltdown where I yell, scream, SAY EXACTLY WHAT I AM THINKING...HOLD NOTHING BACK, tell it like it is meltdown. Now the crying meltdown, he helps with...holding me reassuring me of his love, tells me how stupid he was etc.

BUT in the rage meltdown, he dishes it back as hard as I am giving it out. Screams at me all the things I did or did not do in the M BEFORE the A. So, the rage thing for both of us, to me is the REAL thing. Deep down he blames me for him HAVING to have the affair because I didn't feel the need. BOTH meltdown are emotion driven.

The last few rage meltdowns have been scarey for me. I was afraid, then he begins to cry over what he has done. I KNOW the guilt and shame must HURT, I know it does. So, then I feel guilty about asking more questions and getting him going again.

Now, my GUT told me he was having an affair and I didn't listen and NOW my gut tells me he has still not come clean about so much. So, I won't let it go. It would be stupid on my part.

But if I want to heal then I need to let it go and believe that he loves me and feels bad about the A.

Hi LynnLee,
I am glad you posted on my thread. I've been thinking about starting my own thread after being told by someone on your thread that my comments should be made on my own thread and not on yours.

I too feel like I could have written some of your posts. There are a couple of women on here that I feel that way about and that is what draws me to post to them.

It worries me that your H's anger scares you. I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I do know that one pattern is for the abuser to feel sorry after. Please be careful. Are you guys going to counseling?

First I wanted to tell you that comment on my thread about posting somewhere else was not to you it was to another poster. So, please know that.

No, we quit counseling after ohhh, $2,000 and was getting no where. We quit due to money issues and the fact that my H didn't like what the psychologist was telling me. So, I purchased every book on affairs, surviving affairs, relationships, rekindling marriage I could get my hands on. He has read NOTHING. And the His Needs/Her Needs Love Bank of the Harleys he says is CRAP. He said if people are in love those things should come natural, you should not do them in order to have sometghing done in return. And yes, wives should WANT to have sex with their husbands every day ....... sound like fantasy land???

I feel as though I am being hurried through my grief to make his life better. And I am tired of feeling GUILTY about MY DAMAGED EMOTIONS because it makes him FEEL BAD. Well, dang it I DIDN'T DO IT!!!! I didn't tear down my family for my own desires. if I want to cry and scream I want to be able to do it without worrying about how it MAKES HIM FEEL.

And guess what....he can't take it. He cannot take it. he cannot handle it. HE CANNOT TAKE IT. And the more I see that, the more it makes me SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do this enormous damage then, can't take the horrific consequences......I KNOW HE'S SORRY, I KNOW HE'S SORRY, I'VE HEARD IT 1000 TIMES. IT NO LONGER HELPS TO HEAR....I'M SO SORRY.


OHHHH, that felt good to get all that out. Now somebody help me.

Awwwwwww, this broke my heart! I am sorry you are still struggling this far into it. I hope it gets easier as time goes on, even though you feel like enough time has passed.

I hope to not have those feelings for that long, but I can understand why I would. I dont think we can ever really forget.

Wow, that is terrible! What do you do if he wont budge??

LynnLee,
Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? In short, it talks about how each of us has a natural love language and if our spouse has a differnt love language then we need to learn how to speak their language. If your H is willing to reading a book I think this one would be great. It is not about A's, it is about relationships, and it is very easy to read and offers some simple easy to follow advice.

I know what you mean about how hearing I'm sorry no longer helps. What helped for me was when my H started saying what he was sorry for. The best one was when he said "I'm sorry for hurting you". That came months into recovery and before that he had only said "I'm sorry people got hurt", which in my mind the people part included OW and her kids. But like I said that came months into recovery for me and it sounds like your H is just not there yet.

No worries, the comment I was talking about on your thread came from another poster that did not like me venting about the whole all A's end thing, it was not from you. I realized that I was off base venting about that on your thread and that it was not helpful to you. I have tried to stick to what I think can help you. But just so you know, talk about anything you want on my thread, feel free to talk about you, me or whatever you feel like.

Trying-

Your situation reminded me of something I heard on Family Life Today that gives a good image of what's going on in your life.

It was an interview with Dave Carder, who wrote the book "Torn Asunder". He described it like this: once the A is exposed and recovery is started, it's as if the WS has dumped a dumptruck load of mud off of themselves. The WS wants to move forward but don't seem to realize they dumped that mud on their BS and have left their BS to swim up from under all that mud.

I thought this explained it really well.

Hang in there-

This thread is very distressing. I'm trying to figure out if I even want to try? Do any of you recovered people feel like you are in a great marriage? Not just one that is good enough and you are keeping you vows.

6years-

I can tell, even though my XH wasn't willing to do anything to recovery our M, it is worth it knowing that I did everything I could to try and keep my M.

I know it. My XH knows it. And most importantly, my kids know it.

BTW, there are many who have recovered on this forum who say they have a much better M than they did before.


(Sorry for the t/j Trying)

6yearsleft,
Recovery has had its ups and downs for me and I just had hit a down point when I started this thread, that was only yesterday and today I am already feeling better.

Had I chosen D instead of recovery I would have missed out on learning alot about myself and I would have to live with regret that I did not do everything in my power to fight for my marriage.

I can say with complete confidence that I am a better person today because of what I have learned during recovery about myself, about my H, and about marriage. I am a better wife and mother.

I could have gotten divorced and never once looked at the fact that I needed to work on me because afterall my H was a jerk who cheated on me, but then I would be a bitter divorced mom instead of the great wife and mother that I have become.

As you can see my mood is vastly different today than yesterday.