Okay I don't really have my own thread and a couple of days ago a poster wanted me to have one so they could respond to me and not thread jack another posters thread.

I had a metldown this morning so I figure today is as good a day as any to start my own thread.

My H and I have worked very hard at recovery. My H has been very remorseful and has become an amazing husband and father over the past year and a half. My H tells me he is very happy his life and that I am the most wonderful woman in the world. Sounds good, right? So why do I still doubt that my H is happy? I think I figured it out to a certain extent. Most days I am happy and feel good, but then something will trigger me and my thoughts go right back to OW and the A. I have become pretty good at hiding my feelings when I have these bad days and then I realized that if I am hiding my feelings, how do I know that my H is not really unhappy and hiding his feelings? Ugh it just sucks.

So here is my question. Is this normal for my time frame? I know that at 6 months I hit a low point and then at 1 year I did also, but I haven't heard much about what the norm is for 1.5 years.

I'm over 2 years in, and I could have a meltdown every single day, without exception.

Every day.

I've had to learn to "hold it in"...the last time I really exploded was the last time I drank, which was in June of '07.

Unfortunately, one way I've kept from erupting on a regular basis is to make myself not care.

"Is she cheating? Who cares?"

"Was she lying about ______? Who cares?

"Will I ever trust her, or love her like I used to? Who cares?"

I think I'll always have doubts; I wouldn't be too concerned about having them if I were you. It comes with the territory.

Honey, what is normal is what's normal for you. I was still having meltdowns at 2.5 - 3 years, but thanks to MB (which I found after year 3), I learned how to deal with it. Today, it's not an issue, not that I don't think about it, but I can actually examine "it" without the raw and angry pain I felt way back when.

Okay so I feel like writing out the details of my meltdown this morning.

My H had been out of town for 3 days and I spent a lot of time on MB reading and posting. I think I was triggered by reading about others in such similar situations and what they were stuggling with.

Months ago I had decided that I was going to stop punishing my H for his A and that I really wanted to move forward. I know that when I cry and hurt it really hurts my H. I really feel like we have both hurt each other so much in the past and I did not want to hurt him anymore. I feel like he does everything he can to show me he loves me and I want to do that for him also. Of course I still cry at times, but I usually do it when my H is not home and I do not tell him about it.

Then this morning we were snuggling in bed and my H rolled over away from me. For some reason that just set me off. I asked him where he was going and he said he was hot (it was hot). There must have been something in my voice or my body language but he sensed right away something was wrong and he asked me if I was okay. I began crying and told him that I didn't know how to answer that. He was very sweet and said somthing like well you can say you're okay or you're not. I told him that I felt like I could not tell him how I really felt or what was bothering without hurting him and that I just didn't know what to do. I told him my head was full of stupid questions and he calmly told me to ask my questions. So I did. I asked where OW worked. I asked what he would do if he saw her. I asked about a couple things he did different now such as making tea in the morning and buying a certain shampoo, I wanted to know if OW had introduced him to those things. I asked him what he thought his life would be like if we had not gotten back together, which led to a whole different set of questions.

He answered every question I asked and he told me that he loved me and that without me he would be drunk and living in a one bedroom apartment alone. I told him I was sorry and he told me he was the one who was sorry and he asked what I was sorry for. I told him I was sorry because I know that talking about all this hurts him.

Basically it was a very sad conversation between two people who love each other and wish they would stop the others pain.

It's been almost 1.5 years already, please tell me it will get better.

Krazy that is one thing I am worried about a lot. Sometimes I feel like I have become a Stepford Wife (I only saw the old version of the movie). I do everything I can to be the perfect wife including suppressing my feelings and trying not to care, if I think that is what would make my H happy. I can also relate to the exploding while drinking. I did that about once a month (PMS time) for the first six months.

TTLIG,

""I told him I was sorry and he told me he was the one who was sorry and he asked what I was sorry for. I told him I was sorry because I know that talking about all this hurts him.""

So how did you feel after the discussion? Better?

I would not call that a meltdown. I would call it a positive step in recovery.

That you can both calmly ask and answer questions is huge. Your communication, and your husband's patience, understanding and love for you says very much. This should have made you all warm and fuzzy.

Look at it as a good thing, an advancement.

The more communication between you the better it will get.

After reading your post, in my humble opinion, your handle TryingToLetItGo, maybe should be FightingNOTToLetItGo.

What do you think?

kirk

If it makes you feel any better, for myself, it has gotten better. I think I spent the first nine months of R needing 1-2 drinks every night before bedtime to calm down (I know this is very bad...) I felt like I was trying to balance an emotional teacup AT ALL TIMES. The smallest thing would tip the cup and it would be so hard for me to regain my equilibrium.

I don't know what has happened in the last month of two...as I approach the one-year anniversary of d-day, I am strangely much calmer, I don't cry regularly and I am able to focus on other areas of my life. Triggers still do a number on me but the occurrence is much less frequent.

On the other hand, I have noticed some of my thinking resembles a "renter" vs a "buyer" as a result of my H's EA which I am concerned about. I'll save that for another post...

Hang in there. It will get better!

On one hand I did feel really good, it felt amazing to have my H reasure me that he loves me, it felt good that he answered my questions and there was not a hint of him trying to protect OW, so yes it did make me all warm and fuzzy in that aspect.

On the other hand I felt like crap because I know that it hurts my H that I still hurt, which is why I try not to let him see my pain. It just really sucks that to relieve my pain I have to imflict pain on my H. That is my real struggle. It seems like what I need to feel better just hurts my H. I just want the pain to stop for both of us.

As for my handle being FightingNOTToLetItGo I don't agree. I fight daily to let it go, I look at all that my H does to show me his love and I fight to not let the bad thoughts take me over. One of the things I told my H this morning was that I was really angry that I still had these thoughts, I want them gone. I want with all my heart to let it go!

See that is one of my worries. I was an emotional teacup during the first six months, then it got better, then I crashed at one year, then it got better and I thought I was doing great, then I crashed again. I'm just getting worn out and broken feeling from all the crashing.

I know exactly what you mean about the renter vs buyer thinking and it sucks!

OK, I jumped over to your thread from mine Our stories are very similiar TTLIG, I would sware it's me typing some of what you have posted.

First, I have 2 types of meltdowns, I have my 1.) crying meltdown, where there is sadness, depression, hopelessness, helplessness and crying non-stop. And then I have my 2.) all out RAGE meltdown where I yell, scream, SAY EXACTLY WHAT I AM THINKING...HOLD NOTHING BACK, tell it like it is meltdown. Now the crying meltdown, he helps with...holding me reassuring me of his love, tells me how stupid he was etc.

BUT in the rage meltdown, he dishes it back as hard as I am giving it out. Screams at me all the things I did or did not do in the M BEFORE the A. So, the rage thing for both of us, to me is the REAL thing. Deep down he blames me for him HAVING to have the affair because I didn't feel the need. BOTH meltdown are emotion driven.

The last few rage meltdowns have been scarey for me. I was afraid, then he begins to cry over what he has done. I KNOW the guilt and shame must HURT, I know it does. So, then I feel guilty about asking more questions and getting him going again.

Now, my GUT told me he was having an affair and I didn't listen and NOW my gut tells me he has still not come clean about so much. So, I won't let it go. It would be stupid on my part.

But if I want to heal then I need to let it go and believe that he loves me and feels bad about the A.

Hi LynnLee,
I am glad you posted on my thread. I've been thinking about starting my own thread after being told by someone on your thread that my comments should be made on my own thread and not on yours.

I too feel like I could have written some of your posts. There are a couple of women on here that I feel that way about and that is what draws me to post to them.

It worries me that your H's anger scares you. I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I do know that one pattern is for the abuser to feel sorry after. Please be careful. Are you guys going to counseling?

First I wanted to tell you that comment on my thread about posting somewhere else was not to you it was to another poster. So, please know that.

No, we quit counseling after ohhh, $2,000 and was getting no where. We quit due to money issues and the fact that my H didn't like what the psychologist was telling me. So, I purchased every book on affairs, surviving affairs, relationships, rekindling marriage I could get my hands on. He has read NOTHING. And the His Needs/Her Needs Love Bank of the Harleys he says is CRAP. He said if people are in love those things should come natural, you should not do them in order to have sometghing done in return. And yes, wives should WANT to have sex with their husbands every day ....... sound like fantasy land???

I feel as though I am being hurried through my grief to make his life better. And I am tired of feeling GUILTY about MY DAMAGED EMOTIONS because it makes him FEEL BAD. Well, dang it I DIDN'T DO IT!!!! I didn't tear down my family for my own desires. if I want to cry and scream I want to be able to do it without worrying about how it MAKES HIM FEEL.

And guess what....he can't take it. He cannot take it. he cannot handle it. HE CANNOT TAKE IT. And the more I see that, the more it makes me SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do this enormous damage then, can't take the horrific consequences......I KNOW HE'S SORRY, I KNOW HE'S SORRY, I'VE HEARD IT 1000 TIMES. IT NO LONGER HELPS TO HEAR....I'M SO SORRY.


OHHHH, that felt good to get all that out. Now somebody help me.

Awwwwwww, this broke my heart! I am sorry you are still struggling this far into it. I hope it gets easier as time goes on, even though you feel like enough time has passed.

I hope to not have those feelings for that long, but I can understand why I would. I dont think we can ever really forget.

Wow, that is terrible! What do you do if he wont budge??

LynnLee,
Have you read the book The Five Love Languages? In short, it talks about how each of us has a natural love language and if our spouse has a differnt love language then we need to learn how to speak their language. If your H is willing to reading a book I think this one would be great. It is not about A's, it is about relationships, and it is very easy to read and offers some simple easy to follow advice.

I know what you mean about how hearing I'm sorry no longer helps. What helped for me was when my H started saying what he was sorry for. The best one was when he said "I'm sorry for hurting you". That came months into recovery and before that he had only said "I'm sorry people got hurt", which in my mind the people part included OW and her kids. But like I said that came months into recovery for me and it sounds like your H is just not there yet.

No worries, the comment I was talking about on your thread came from another poster that did not like me venting about the whole all A's end thing, it was not from you. I realized that I was off base venting about that on your thread and that it was not helpful to you. I have tried to stick to what I think can help you. But just so you know, talk about anything you want on my thread, feel free to talk about you, me or whatever you feel like.

Trying-

Your situation reminded me of something I heard on Family Life Today that gives a good image of what's going on in your life.

It was an interview with Dave Carder, who wrote the book "Torn Asunder". He described it like this: once the A is exposed and recovery is started, it's as if the WS has dumped a dumptruck load of mud off of themselves. The WS wants to move forward but don't seem to realize they dumped that mud on their BS and have left their BS to swim up from under all that mud.

I thought this explained it really well.

Hang in there-

This thread is very distressing. I'm trying to figure out if I even want to try? Do any of you recovered people feel like you are in a great marriage? Not just one that is good enough and you are keeping you vows.

6years-

I can tell, even though my XH wasn't willing to do anything to recovery our M, it is worth it knowing that I did everything I could to try and keep my M.

I know it. My XH knows it. And most importantly, my kids know it.

BTW, there are many who have recovered on this forum who say they have a much better M than they did before.


(Sorry for the t/j Trying)

6yearsleft,
Recovery has had its ups and downs for me and I just had hit a down point when I started this thread, that was only yesterday and today I am already feeling better.

Had I chosen D instead of recovery I would have missed out on learning alot about myself and I would have to live with regret that I did not do everything in my power to fight for my marriage.

I can say with complete confidence that I am a better person today because of what I have learned during recovery about myself, about my H, and about marriage. I am a better wife and mother.

I could have gotten divorced and never once looked at the fact that I needed to work on me because afterall my H was a jerk who cheated on me, but then I would be a bitter divorced mom instead of the great wife and mother that I have become.

As you can see my mood is vastly different today than yesterday.

Great marriage? Hardly.

Keep in mind that this is a "Marriagebuilders" website, and even here the number of people who say they have a GREAT marriage post-infidelity is pretty small. That number in the "real world" is even smaller, I'm sure.

So, most of us in "recovered" marriages are nowhere near being in a great marriage.

I honestly don't know if there is any such thing...I've never seen one in person, and given the extraordinarily high rates of infidelity, I can't help but wonder if a good deal of those in "great" marriages are either kidding themselves, or don't know the truth about their spouse yet.

My FWH thinks we are in a great marriage.

He hasnt asked me what I think but if he did, I wouldnt have the same answer. Its great for him because all of his EN's are met, he doesnt have to deal w the pain of betrayal and he got to keep his life.

What the BS gets is a bit different.

Or maybe Im just having a bad day.

Absolutely! My "new marriage" to my same husband (we just celebrated 31 years) is 1000 times better than the "old marriage". Our connection to each other is deeper, the trust and respect for each other is solid, and we wake each day looking each other in the eyes knowing that we're a team. Even on bad days (you know, the kind where one of us is grumpy, agitated, or everything is going wrong, etc.?) we've learned to maintain our respect for the other and work through it, together. MB has had a lot to do with that.

The dream of some day sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs surrounded by our kids and grandkids... is more of a reality than it's ever been in our 31 years of marriage.

Princess,

I read your response in both places. Thanks for a little hope.

JK,

I'm "not making any real decisions" right now, but I want to ask if you are thinking that you made the wrong decision? Are you thinking of moving on?

I feel the same way. Even through there are ups and very hard downs I'm still glad I am trying to make it work. I owe it to myself and my kids. And I will not live with regret.

As for a great marriage...I know NO ONE who has one. and after watching the Oprah show on cheating last week, I am more discouraged about marriage in general. Who knew men needed all this pampering? I recorded it and showed my H. He said this guy was correct, my H just could not speak up and tell me exactly what he needed, wasn't getting in the marriage so went to a younger, unacctractive girl who worshipped the groud he walked on - which he says is what he wanted from ME the whole time. Which in mho blames the BS,as if I don't already feel enough guilt and embarrassment and the A.

Anyway feeling a little down and sorry for myself today. I know my mood will get better for today's mood is sad.

I am not as far along as you on the recovery road but I can fully relate to what you are saying.

I can see from your text that love your H and you dont want him to hurt and be punished for his A. At the same time the only way you can recover is if you allow all the thoughts that surface to just be and not be supressed. But the 2 are in conflict beacuse everytie they surface they caus eyoru H pain so catch 22....

Here is my answer:

Let him love you by helping you deal with what ever it is that you need to go thru. Dont decide for him what hurts and what does not.

I dont think its a meltdown that you had. You just have an expectation in your head that 1.5 years have passed and you should already bee able to "get over it already"

Sweety guess what I had that expecation set for me at 3 months LOL and here I am months later and I am still not over it Now I have to re adjust and set a new expeaction that says I will be done "thinking and talking" about it when I am done. In the menwhile I will be mindful and "protect" myself to ensure that every time I relive it helps me progress futher and not drag me backwards.

Just because you bring it up does not mean its a setp backwards and you have to stop seeing it that way.

Another thing I might - The OW is gone from your life.

I see it as a car crash on the side of the road. The A happened and there was a crash, there is a headlight there, damage to the bumper,car parts here ad there, a limb here, cars are wrecked there is collateral damage.
Everytime I focus on the details and I want more answers, where when how etc. I remind myself about the fact that all of the pain is from one accident and that I need to stop rubbernecking. Yes its a horrible crash and Yes there are lots of little details that I overlooked at first glance and the more I look the more painful the scene is. And yet all ONE accident, nothing new to add, just same already happened pain and suffering. I need look forward and keep driving otherwise I might find myself distracted from the road ahead and in the midst on another accident.

So keep your eyes forward you seem to be doing great

I feel this way at times also. The whole it is not the BS's fault the WS chose to have an A, but if the BS had been meeting the WS's needs then the marriage wouldn't have been vulnerable to an A. I just hate that. You know my needs where not being met either and I did not have an A. Well here is what I am choosing to do with that info even though I hate it. I am working hard to be the best wife, I am trying to make sure I meet all my H's needs, that way if he ever does cheat on me again there is no way in hell that excuse can be used.

I'm sorry you are feeling down today. Mondays in general are usually one of my hardest days, I think it might be because my H goes to work and my DD goes to school and even though I work I have too much time alone with my thoughts and then i start to feel down.

You are right is a catch 22 and that's the thing that makes it so hard. My H has told me that it hurts him to see me cry and hurt. I know from his words and his actions that he is very remorseful and wants nothing more than for me to be happy with him.

I do want to thank you for your kind words of encouragement and the accident/rubbernecking analogy. That does help when I am able to rationally think about the A. It is when I am just overcome with pain and emotions that all my rational thinking goes right out the window.

I think the ones here that are in a GREAT marriage are few and far between.

But, then again, didn't we ALL acknowledge that marriage PROBABLY would be difficult? I mean, marriages NOT being great is by NO MEANS a reason to end. Unless of course, the participants of the wedding made NO promises to each other. But I made them and my word means something. It really, really bums me out sometimes, but it makes my promises no less valid.

Lol
I agree with you there, I have my own moments of "rational thinking flying out the window" (too bad they dont have a smiley icon depcting that) and thats when we need a :twobyfour: that sets us back onto the correct path of rational thinking and progess and ultimately happiness

We are all human and will occasionally fall off the MB wagon we just have to pick ourselves up , and get right back on. I am sure the longer you are on the wagon the fewer your "meltdowns" will be

I know you dont see it but there will be several lurkers here who will read your post and love to be in your shoes where you have a supportive and loving FWH who is there to live thru the rough road of recovery with you. I can only imagine the pain and emotions of those who do not have a remorseful WH to lean on and are strugging to recover on their own.

I feel the same way. I just read another thread where the WH just doesn't seem to get it and just doesn't seem remorseful and it worries my what that must be doing to his BW. I truely feel for the BS's without remorseful FWS's. I do know how fortunate I am that my H is a wonderful man, I'm just sad that we had to go this route for him to be wonderful and for me to realize it.

Today is Tuesday, a new day and I am feeling a little better. I went to see my counselor yesterday - an emergency appt, I call it. I told her I was having trouble with the whole blaming myself thing, feeling stupid that the A went on so long, and I never caught them. I feel stupid and embarrassed that I didn't KNOW. All the signs were there, and I just choose to not believe my H would cheat. And yes, he is the one who had the A, and neither of our EN were being met but I still blame myself somewhat. She said I need to put forgiving HIM and moving on - on the nack burner for now and FORGIVE myself. She said I still have more individual work to do on ME before we put so much effort into the marriage.

My H has been looking for a new job to move out of the state, so we can get away and start over, but I wonder if that will even help.

My mood swings are somewhat scary to me. I can think about something and cannot get myself out of that thinking mode. For example, she would go on business trips with him all over the U.S. I was just thinking, she's been to places and experienced things I have never experienced with him, and I get so angry I just loose it. She was in his hotel room every time I spoke with him on the phone. See here I go....I just start talking about it and get soooo mad.

6 months since D-Day and hate that I even have to go through all this but YES know that if we do make it, we will have a great marriage.

I just finished the Oprah guest show book "Why Men Cheat" - get it and read it. It's good. The statistics and unreal.

I think moving would help! It would help you to feel more secure knowing that OW is not right there and it would give you and your H a chance at a fresh start. I know for me it was real hard at first and still is at times to see friends and family that knew about all our marriage problems, I would feel like they were looking at us and judging us or feeling sorry for us. I just hated feeling that way.

Thank you for your post. I feel the same way and personally I have never been one to worry about what people thought about me except in this situation BECAUSE I hear people talking about those who have had A's, and judging the heck out of them, gossiping, like it would NEVER happen to them.

I actually have friends who think it would NEVER happen to them. I guess no one ever does.

I am feeling better today. I work out daily, and do Yoga you would think I would be more in control of my emotions. But I will get there.

Do you still struggle with self-esteem issues this far into your recovery? I know you said sometimes you doubt your H's love for you.

YES!!!!! I know logically that I am an attractive woman. But here is what I went through after the A. First I lost about 15 lbs due to the stress, so my weight went down to 115 lbs. which put me at a size 2, I went and got a boob job (went from a 34A to a 34D), I have long hair light brown hair which I colored blonde and style very sexy, I dress in clothes that I know my H likes, I wear high heals a lot now. Guys check me out all the time, I get hit on frequently. The other day one of my girlfriends stopped by and I was wearing velour pants and a tank top and she told me I looked like Pam Anderson.

So basically I know I look hot and I still feel insecure. I told my friend one day that what sucks about looking good is that when I worry that my H isn't attracted to me I feel like I must be boring or something because I can look in the mirror and see that I look good. So it can't be my looks it must be my personality that is not attractive.

So yeah my self-esteem has taken a huge hit, but I can say that it does get better with time. I am starting to get more comfortable with myself again.

OK, LOL for you....You GO GIRL!!! I love to hear stories like that.

Same thing with me although the BJ is scheduled for November:) No I cannot afford it but the Doctor I work for is doing it for the facility fee only which is a few hundred. I too know I look HOT on the outside but the inside is still devastated, hurting angry and trying to mend a broken heart.

I should have the attitude my H is damn lucky to have me He messed up, he really messed up. I am looking forward to when the feelings on the inside match the outside, a strong, confident woman and mother.

Your need to have certain questions answered is quite normal (not necessarily 'punishing' or 'hurting' your husband).

Why do you apologize to your husband for asking those questions?

He seems willing to answer your questions so why not just ask the questions without the drama or assumption that by doing so you've 'hurt' him?

I am not assuming that my questions hurt my H. As I have previously stated, my H has told me that it hurts him to see me hurt and crying.

It is not about drama, there is no possible way I can verbally ask questions about the A and/or OW without feeling pain and crying, it simply hurts too much. I could email my H the questions, but I think seeing how he responds is just as important as the words he responds with.

I apologize because I have empathy for my H and I know that discussing his A and/or OW causes him pain, so I am apologizing for the pain that my questions cause him. That is how I take responsibility for my actions. Yes I know I would not have these questions if he had not had an A. But really the tit for tat thinking is what got my marriage to be in such bad shape. My H would go out to bars without me, so I would be mad and not cook dinner and be disrespectful to him, so then he would go out to bars without me. Which of us started it? I'm not sure. But I know that I will not fall into that cyclical blaming pattern again.

LynnLee, I sometimes look at women and wonder what prompted them to get boob jobs. I wonder if they went through something similar and are trying to make themselves feel better by looking better. I live in CA and it just seems like so many women here have implants. Good luck with yours. I don't want to scare you, but I felt like crap for a few weeks after getting mine. They also look weird at first, they sit real high and are kinda squarish, and very hard. I didn't start to like mine for about a month. Do you know what size you are going to get?

Well which DID come first? His going out to bars without you or your reaction to his going out to bars without you?
Or did only start going out to bars without you AFTER you started treating him with disrespect?

And what does cooking dinner have to do with it anyway?
Do you go out to bars without him if he doesn't cook dinner?
For that matter, do you go out to bars without him if he says or does something that upsets you?

Are you sure you are merely taking responsibility for your own choices/behaviors? Or are you taking responsibility for his too?

I agree it would maybe be better to write all your unanswered questions down for him, then let him answer them for you while you watch his reaction. But instead of resisting (and dragging out) this process, why not just do it without feeling guilty?

Yes, adultery and it's aftermath is hurtful but really what other choice do you have?

You can:

get your questions answered so you and your marriage can heal,

or you can settle for a marriage that continues to be damaged and doesn't fully recover,

or you can get a divorce.

Sometimes what is needed for recovery may be uncomfortable but necessary. If somebody has a broken leg the bone needs to be set even if doing so will be painful; burn victims must have their skin scrubbed even though this is very painful. To resist taking the steps needed for proper healing may feel less painful but at what cost to full recovery and health?

It might help if you think of the recovery steps as being what will eventually lead to BOTH of you feeling better and putting the adultery in your past so your marriage survives and THRIVES. Thinking of the work that needs to be done for recovery as 'hurting' your husband is counter-productive. His feeling regret for having hurt you is a positive thing really. He seems willing to help you recover so why not allow him to do so? He DOES care about you apparently, so he doesn't expect you to hide your fear and hurt from him.

Don't think of it as EITHER he has to hurt or you do, that you should shoulder all of the hurt so he doesn't have to share in it. Admit it, share it, feel it, and THEN you can both move past it together.

I honestly do not remember who started that cycle. It was just one example of how my H and I treated each other badly and we each used the others bad behavior as an excuse for our own bad behavior. Neither of us do that anymore and it was one of the things that I have decided to change about myself. I will not use someone elses bad behavior as an excuse to behave badly. I now take accountability for my own behavior. That was the whole point of that example. Sorry if I did not explain it well.


Yep I am sure. If my H does something that I feel is disrespectful or hurtful to me then I tell him how I feel about what he did instead of treating him badly like I did in the past.


I guess I haven't just written down a list and gone through them because I really am not sure I want to hear the answers. This is a big part of my problem.


I don't see those as my only options. I feel that some of the questions are better left unanswered. I feel some of the answers may be more damaging for me to have.

And sometimes people die in surgury because their bodies are just to frail to survive.


I do not think I am avoiding the recovery steps needed to heal my marriage. I think my marriage is healing. The way my H responded to my questions the other day is a clear sign that my marriage is recovering. Neither of us yelled and we did not let it ruin our day. We listened to each other, we comforted each other, we both apologized for each others pain and then we had our morning tea and went on with our day. That is a huge difference from a year ago and it tells me that my marriage is healing. It is just taking longer than I would like it to and when it takes longer than I think it should have it starts me feeling down that it will never end. That is the mind frame I have been in lately. I have felt that way just about every 6 months into recovery (at the six month point, at the one year point, and now approaching the 1.5 year point).

TTLIG,

I had a question for you. Do you think your H has cheated BEFORE, and just got caught this time? Since I have NEVER been one to check up on my H, he's sure had a LOT of freedom over the past 15+ years. Thinking back on his behavior during the last year of his A, he has had similar behavior over the years. Of course he says this was the first and only time but not sure I believe him. I know there is a difference between a serial offender and a one time A.

Do you just, believe it and try to move on, because I will never know if he has cheated before. How did you handle this in your recovery/questions?

I don't think he cheated other times, I KNOW he did, he told me himself. One of the great side affects of having my H pissed off and thinking that our marriage was over is that he decided to tell me way too many details. He told me many things that hurt me deeply and he had since admitted that he told me all those things out of anger and because he wanted to hurt me. He told me there were a few other women, but those were just for sex and for some odd reason that makes it easier for me and I don't really think about them.

As for my H getting caught. We had been separated for 4 months, he had filed for divorce, and he had been living with OW for 1 month before I knew anything about OW. So it's not like he just kept coming home and acting like our marriage was fine until he got caught. My H thought that I did not love him and didn't care that he left. To a certain point, this was an exit affair for my H, he thought that our marriage was so bad and had been for so long that it would not change and he didn't want to be in a miserable marriage anymore.

Of course all that changed when I told him that I loved him, wanted him back, and was working on changing myself because I wanted to be a better wife either for him or for the next time I got married.

If you are worried there were others and that your H has not changed, then you should consider having him take a polygraph test. If he is being honest with you then he really shouldn't have a problem proving it to you by taking the test.

Wow, I know that had to hurt. So, after he told you about the other A's how long was it before you had feelings for him again? I'm thinking of myself in that situation and am not sure I could stay in the M but I don't know. I am so careful these days to say what I would or would not do in any given situation. I always told my H if he ever cheated her was GONE!!! The polygraph test is a good idea. So, I wonder where you would go to get one? He did tell me he cheated on me while we were dating but not in marriage, other than this one time for 13 months. Gosh, it makes me sick to say it.

He would insists, I take one too, which I would LOVE TOO!!! I live in Georgia by the way, I bet CA is beautiful.

I just looked in the YellowPages phone book under the category of Polygraph and there is a listing for one here, so check for YellowPages.

As for having feelings for my H. His anger inspired confessions came out after I had a breakthrough and realized I wanted my marriage, so I had feelings for him even as he confessed to everything. I held him as he cried about how much he loved OW. And you bet it hurt, it hurt like nothing I have every felt. But I guess if I didn't love him then it wouldn't have hurt. Here's the thing I look at the OW which were just sex as not really significant, but the OW he thought he fell in love with is hard for me. Of course, he has now told me that he doesn't think he ever loved her. Funny and a bit scary how thoughts and feelings change.

Same thing mine said. My counselor said he has no idea what real love, mature love was anyway. He needed to grow up. I mentioned the polygraph test, he said he would agree, then said, why don't I just go ahead and tell you a few more things on my own. I won't get into every thing here on line but he was having severe self-esteem issues and the whole middle age crisis thing. It is easier for me to see how it all happened now. I'm not sure I could have even stopped the A if I had meet his EN for admiration, attention etc. I think he was to far gone when it even started.

He says he looks back now and just cannot believe he did it, he risk loosing me for what he thought was love. He said he feels so stupid. He now says he appreciates what he has and will never hurt me again. I forgave him finally. It doesn't mean I won;t still hurt and cry and get angry, it means I'm willing to try to move forward and not hold it over his head every day. MY unwillingness to forgive was making me physically and emotionally sick. So, it was hurting ME.

Did you watch the Oprah show on Thursday? I have already read the book by Gary Neuman. It's good, at first I said...come on you've GOT to be kidding, but from what my H says Gary is dead on.

We had a great weekend and fell a peace I have not felt since my D-Day. It feels good.

I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling better. Enjoy being at the top of the rollercoaster for now!

Did he just volunteer info or did you ask questions?

My H has matured soooo much in the past 1.5 years. He truely has become a great husband and father. Too bad I have all this crap in my head. One day my H and I were talking and I don't remember exactly how this came up, I was saying something about being afraid to make real estate decisions because the recent ones are not so good, but he said don't you feel stronger now and I was sad and said that I feel very weak. He seemed confused by that, he said that I should feel stronger because we made have made it through hard times and are doing so great. You know the what doesn't kill us makes us stronger thing. Well I'm finally starting to feel that way a bit. I feel like I will be okay no matter what happens, which them makes me a little sad. I mean who really wants to feel like they are so strong that they would be okay without their spouse.

On a happier note, my H was talking with one of his best friends that is having some marriage problems (no A but his wife beats him up and tries to allienate all of his friends) and he told me some of what his friend said about his wife. I jokingly said, "so what did you complain to him about me" he looked at me and said "Nothing. What is there to complain about? I am very happy." It's the little things like that that make such a difference. It made my day!

I didn't see Oprah. What is the name of book?

He volunteered the info. And yes, I still have questions but FOR NOW, I appreciate the honesty and openness with what he did tell me. Tomorrow is another day. I'm enjoying today for today.

The Book is called "The Truth about Cheating" why men cheat and how to affair proof your marriage. Like you said in one of your posts to me about doing the things your husband likes...clothes, dressing, hair, nice meal etc. The main thing he stresses is to appreciate your H both verbally and physically. Only one small chapter about Healing from an Affair, but the whole book is good to me.

It mad me mad at first, like what about the wife? But he said he was working on a book for the husbands now too.

I got into an arguement with a friend this weekend and another friend asked me if I could just forigve her and move on. I have always been a very forigving person so it really upset when I realized that I couldn't just forgive this friend and move on. I feel like I am all out of forgiveness, I used up all my forigiveness on my H and myself, and I just don't have any left for a friend. That's pretty sad to me. I knew that everything I have been through the past couple of years really changed me, but I did not realize that it had turned me into a stubborn unforgiving person. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

Don't be too hard on yourself. One of the consequence of an A is that it does change you. Maybe you're more jaded or untrusting but that doesn't make you stubborn or unforgiving. I've always had a problem with people saying "I forgive you" too easily. Why should you forgive your friend? Has she done anything to earn your forgiveness? Just saying sorry isn't enough and you should hold people to standards. Don't beat yourself up.