Great marriage? Hardly.

Keep in mind that this is a "Marriagebuilders" website, and even here the number of people who say they have a GREAT marriage post-infidelity is pretty small. That number in the "real world" is even smaller, I'm sure.

So, most of us in "recovered" marriages are nowhere near being in a great marriage.

I honestly don't know if there is any such thing...I've never seen one in person, and given the extraordinarily high rates of infidelity, I can't help but wonder if a good deal of those in "great" marriages are either kidding themselves, or don't know the truth about their spouse yet.

My FWH thinks we are in a great marriage.

He hasnt asked me what I think but if he did, I wouldnt have the same answer. Its great for him because all of his EN's are met, he doesnt have to deal w the pain of betrayal and he got to keep his life.

What the BS gets is a bit different.

Or maybe Im just having a bad day.

Absolutely! My "new marriage" to my same husband (we just celebrated 31 years) is 1000 times better than the "old marriage". Our connection to each other is deeper, the trust and respect for each other is solid, and we wake each day looking each other in the eyes knowing that we're a team. Even on bad days (you know, the kind where one of us is grumpy, agitated, or everything is going wrong, etc.?) we've learned to maintain our respect for the other and work through it, together. MB has had a lot to do with that.

The dream of some day sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs surrounded by our kids and grandkids... is more of a reality than it's ever been in our 31 years of marriage.

Princess,

I read your response in both places. Thanks for a little hope.

JK,

I'm "not making any real decisions" right now, but I want to ask if you are thinking that you made the wrong decision? Are you thinking of moving on?

I feel the same way. Even through there are ups and very hard downs I'm still glad I am trying to make it work. I owe it to myself and my kids. And I will not live with regret.

As for a great marriage...I know NO ONE who has one. and after watching the Oprah show on cheating last week, I am more discouraged about marriage in general. Who knew men needed all this pampering? I recorded it and showed my H. He said this guy was correct, my H just could not speak up and tell me exactly what he needed, wasn't getting in the marriage so went to a younger, unacctractive girl who worshipped the groud he walked on - which he says is what he wanted from ME the whole time. Which in mho blames the BS,as if I don't already feel enough guilt and embarrassment and the A.

Anyway feeling a little down and sorry for myself today. I know my mood will get better for today's mood is sad.

I am not as far along as you on the recovery road but I can fully relate to what you are saying.

I can see from your text that love your H and you dont want him to hurt and be punished for his A. At the same time the only way you can recover is if you allow all the thoughts that surface to just be and not be supressed. But the 2 are in conflict beacuse everytie they surface they caus eyoru H pain so catch 22....

Here is my answer:

Let him love you by helping you deal with what ever it is that you need to go thru. Dont decide for him what hurts and what does not.

I dont think its a meltdown that you had. You just have an expectation in your head that 1.5 years have passed and you should already bee able to "get over it already"

Sweety guess what I had that expecation set for me at 3 months LOL and here I am months later and I am still not over it Now I have to re adjust and set a new expeaction that says I will be done "thinking and talking" about it when I am done. In the menwhile I will be mindful and "protect" myself to ensure that every time I relive it helps me progress futher and not drag me backwards.

Just because you bring it up does not mean its a setp backwards and you have to stop seeing it that way.

Another thing I might - The OW is gone from your life.

I see it as a car crash on the side of the road. The A happened and there was a crash, there is a headlight there, damage to the bumper,car parts here ad there, a limb here, cars are wrecked there is collateral damage.
Everytime I focus on the details and I want more answers, where when how etc. I remind myself about the fact that all of the pain is from one accident and that I need to stop rubbernecking. Yes its a horrible crash and Yes there are lots of little details that I overlooked at first glance and the more I look the more painful the scene is. And yet all ONE accident, nothing new to add, just same already happened pain and suffering. I need look forward and keep driving otherwise I might find myself distracted from the road ahead and in the midst on another accident.

So keep your eyes forward you seem to be doing great

I feel this way at times also. The whole it is not the BS's fault the WS chose to have an A, but if the BS had been meeting the WS's needs then the marriage wouldn't have been vulnerable to an A. I just hate that. You know my needs where not being met either and I did not have an A. Well here is what I am choosing to do with that info even though I hate it. I am working hard to be the best wife, I am trying to make sure I meet all my H's needs, that way if he ever does cheat on me again there is no way in hell that excuse can be used.

I'm sorry you are feeling down today. Mondays in general are usually one of my hardest days, I think it might be because my H goes to work and my DD goes to school and even though I work I have too much time alone with my thoughts and then i start to feel down.

You are right is a catch 22 and that's the thing that makes it so hard. My H has told me that it hurts him to see me cry and hurt. I know from his words and his actions that he is very remorseful and wants nothing more than for me to be happy with him.

I do want to thank you for your kind words of encouragement and the accident/rubbernecking analogy. That does help when I am able to rationally think about the A. It is when I am just overcome with pain and emotions that all my rational thinking goes right out the window.

I think the ones here that are in a GREAT marriage are few and far between.

But, then again, didn't we ALL acknowledge that marriage PROBABLY would be difficult? I mean, marriages NOT being great is by NO MEANS a reason to end. Unless of course, the participants of the wedding made NO promises to each other. But I made them and my word means something. It really, really bums me out sometimes, but it makes my promises no less valid.

Lol
I agree with you there, I have my own moments of "rational thinking flying out the window" (too bad they dont have a smiley icon depcting that) and thats when we need a :twobyfour: that sets us back onto the correct path of rational thinking and progess and ultimately happiness

We are all human and will occasionally fall off the MB wagon we just have to pick ourselves up , and get right back on. I am sure the longer you are on the wagon the fewer your "meltdowns" will be

I know you dont see it but there will be several lurkers here who will read your post and love to be in your shoes where you have a supportive and loving FWH who is there to live thru the rough road of recovery with you. I can only imagine the pain and emotions of those who do not have a remorseful WH to lean on and are strugging to recover on their own.

I feel the same way. I just read another thread where the WH just doesn't seem to get it and just doesn't seem remorseful and it worries my what that must be doing to his BW. I truely feel for the BS's without remorseful FWS's. I do know how fortunate I am that my H is a wonderful man, I'm just sad that we had to go this route for him to be wonderful and for me to realize it.

Today is Tuesday, a new day and I am feeling a little better. I went to see my counselor yesterday - an emergency appt, I call it. I told her I was having trouble with the whole blaming myself thing, feeling stupid that the A went on so long, and I never caught them. I feel stupid and embarrassed that I didn't KNOW. All the signs were there, and I just choose to not believe my H would cheat. And yes, he is the one who had the A, and neither of our EN were being met but I still blame myself somewhat. She said I need to put forgiving HIM and moving on - on the nack burner for now and FORGIVE myself. She said I still have more individual work to do on ME before we put so much effort into the marriage.

My H has been looking for a new job to move out of the state, so we can get away and start over, but I wonder if that will even help.

My mood swings are somewhat scary to me. I can think about something and cannot get myself out of that thinking mode. For example, she would go on business trips with him all over the U.S. I was just thinking, she's been to places and experienced things I have never experienced with him, and I get so angry I just loose it. She was in his hotel room every time I spoke with him on the phone. See here I go....I just start talking about it and get soooo mad.

6 months since D-Day and hate that I even have to go through all this but YES know that if we do make it, we will have a great marriage.

I just finished the Oprah guest show book "Why Men Cheat" - get it and read it. It's good. The statistics and unreal.

I think moving would help! It would help you to feel more secure knowing that OW is not right there and it would give you and your H a chance at a fresh start. I know for me it was real hard at first and still is at times to see friends and family that knew about all our marriage problems, I would feel like they were looking at us and judging us or feeling sorry for us. I just hated feeling that way.

Thank you for your post. I feel the same way and personally I have never been one to worry about what people thought about me except in this situation BECAUSE I hear people talking about those who have had A's, and judging the heck out of them, gossiping, like it would NEVER happen to them.

I actually have friends who think it would NEVER happen to them. I guess no one ever does.

I am feeling better today. I work out daily, and do Yoga you would think I would be more in control of my emotions. But I will get there.

Do you still struggle with self-esteem issues this far into your recovery? I know you said sometimes you doubt your H's love for you.

YES!!!!! I know logically that I am an attractive woman. But here is what I went through after the A. First I lost about 15 lbs due to the stress, so my weight went down to 115 lbs. which put me at a size 2, I went and got a boob job (went from a 34A to a 34D), I have long hair light brown hair which I colored blonde and style very sexy, I dress in clothes that I know my H likes, I wear high heals a lot now. Guys check me out all the time, I get hit on frequently. The other day one of my girlfriends stopped by and I was wearing velour pants and a tank top and she told me I looked like Pam Anderson.

So basically I know I look hot and I still feel insecure. I told my friend one day that what sucks about looking good is that when I worry that my H isn't attracted to me I feel like I must be boring or something because I can look in the mirror and see that I look good. So it can't be my looks it must be my personality that is not attractive.

So yeah my self-esteem has taken a huge hit, but I can say that it does get better with time. I am starting to get more comfortable with myself again.

OK, LOL for you....You GO GIRL!!! I love to hear stories like that.

Same thing with me although the BJ is scheduled for November:) No I cannot afford it but the Doctor I work for is doing it for the facility fee only which is a few hundred. I too know I look HOT on the outside but the inside is still devastated, hurting angry and trying to mend a broken heart.

I should have the attitude my H is damn lucky to have me He messed up, he really messed up. I am looking forward to when the feelings on the inside match the outside, a strong, confident woman and mother.

Your need to have certain questions answered is quite normal (not necessarily 'punishing' or 'hurting' your husband).

Why do you apologize to your husband for asking those questions?

He seems willing to answer your questions so why not just ask the questions without the drama or assumption that by doing so you've 'hurt' him?

I am not assuming that my questions hurt my H. As I have previously stated, my H has told me that it hurts him to see me hurt and crying.

It is not about drama, there is no possible way I can verbally ask questions about the A and/or OW without feeling pain and crying, it simply hurts too much. I could email my H the questions, but I think seeing how he responds is just as important as the words he responds with.

I apologize because I have empathy for my H and I know that discussing his A and/or OW causes him pain, so I am apologizing for the pain that my questions cause him. That is how I take responsibility for my actions. Yes I know I would not have these questions if he had not had an A. But really the tit for tat thinking is what got my marriage to be in such bad shape. My H would go out to bars without me, so I would be mad and not cook dinner and be disrespectful to him, so then he would go out to bars without me. Which of us started it? I'm not sure. But I know that I will not fall into that cyclical blaming pattern again.

LynnLee, I sometimes look at women and wonder what prompted them to get boob jobs. I wonder if they went through something similar and are trying to make themselves feel better by looking better. I live in CA and it just seems like so many women here have implants. Good luck with yours. I don't want to scare you, but I felt like crap for a few weeks after getting mine. They also look weird at first, they sit real high and are kinda squarish, and very hard. I didn't start to like mine for about a month. Do you know what size you are going to get?