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Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
[quote=meremortal]
My H would go out to bars without me, so I would be mad and not cook dinner and be disrespectful to him, so then he would go out to bars without me. Which of us started it? I'm not sure. But I know that I will not fall into that cyclical blaming pattern again.

Well which DID come first? His going out to bars without you or your reaction to his going out to bars without you?
Or did only start going out to bars without you AFTER you started treating him with disrespect?

And what does cooking dinner have to do with it anyway?
Do you go out to bars without him if he doesn't cook dinner?
For that matter, do you go out to bars without him if he says or does something that upsets you?

Are you sure you are merely taking responsibility for your own choices/behaviors? Or are you taking responsibility for his too?

I agree it would maybe be better to write all your unanswered questions down for him, then let him answer them for you while you watch his reaction. But instead of resisting (and dragging out) this process, why not just do it without feeling guilty?

Yes, adultery and it's aftermath is hurtful but really what other choice do you have?

You can:

get your questions answered so you and your marriage can heal,

or you can settle for a marriage that continues to be damaged and doesn't fully recover,

or you can get a divorce.

Sometimes what is needed for recovery may be uncomfortable but necessary. If somebody has a broken leg the bone needs to be set even if doing so will be painful; burn victims must have their skin scrubbed even though this is very painful. To resist taking the steps needed for proper healing may feel less painful but at what cost to full recovery and health?

It might help if you think of the recovery steps as being what will eventually lead to BOTH of you feeling better and putting the adultery in your past so your marriage survives and THRIVES. Thinking of the work that needs to be done for recovery as 'hurting' your husband is counter-productive. His feeling regret for having hurt you is a positive thing really. He seems willing to help you recover so why not allow him to do so? He DOES care about you apparently, so he doesn't expect you to hide your fear and hurt from him.

Don't think of it as EITHER he has to hurt or you do, that you should shoulder all of the hurt so he doesn't have to share in it. Admit it, share it, feel it, and THEN you can both move past it together.


Last edited by meremortal; 09/17/08 04:52 PM.
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Originally Posted by meremortal
Well which DID come first? His going out to bars without you or your reaction to his going out to bars without you?
Or did only start going out to bars without you AFTER you started treating him with disrespect?

And what does cooking dinner have to do with it anyway?
Do you go out to bars without him if he doesn't cook dinner?
For that matter, do you go out to bars without him if he says or does something that upsets you?
I honestly do not remember who started that cycle. It was just one example of how my H and I treated each other badly and we each used the others bad behavior as an excuse for our own bad behavior. Neither of us do that anymore and it was one of the things that I have decided to change about myself. I will not use someone elses bad behavior as an excuse to behave badly. I now take accountability for my own behavior. That was the whole point of that example. Sorry if I did not explain it well.


Originally Posted by meremortal
Are you sure you are merely taking responsibility for your own choices/behaviors? Or are you taking responsibility for his too?
Yep I am sure. If my H does something that I feel is disrespectful or hurtful to me then I tell him how I feel about what he did instead of treating him badly like I did in the past.


Originally Posted by meremortal
I agree it would maybe be better to write all your unanswered questions down for him, then let him answer them for you while you watch his reaction. But instead of resisting (and dragging out) this process, why not just do it without feeling guilty?

Yes, adultery and it's aftermath is hurtful but really what other choice do you have?
I guess I haven't just written down a list and gone through them because I really am not sure I want to hear the answers. This is a big part of my problem.


Originally Posted by meremortal
You can:

get your questions answered so you and your marriage can heal,

or you can settle for a marriage that continues to be damaged and doesn't fully recover,

or you can get a divorce.
I don't see those as my only options. I feel that some of the questions are better left unanswered. I feel some of the answers may be more damaging for me to have.

Originally Posted by meremortal
Sometimes what is needed for recovery may be uncomfortable but necessary. If somebody has a broken leg the bone needs to be set even if doing so will be painful; burn victims must have their skin scrubbed even though this is very painful. To resist taking the steps needed for proper healing may feel less painful but at what cost to full recovery and health?
And sometimes people die in surgury because their bodies are just to frail to survive.

Originally Posted by meremortal
It might help if you think of the recovery steps as being what will eventually lead to BOTH of you feeling better and putting the adultery in your past so your marriage survives and THRIVES. Thinking of the work that needs to be done for recovery as 'hurting' your husband is counter-productive. His feeling regret for having hurt you is a positive thing really. He seems willing to help you recover so why not allow him to do so? He DOES care about you apparently, so he doesn't expect you to hide your fear and hurt from him.

Don't think of it as EITHER he has to hurt or you do, that you should shoulder all of the hurt so he doesn't have to share in it. Admit it, share it, feel it, and THEN you can both move past it together.

I do not think I am avoiding the recovery steps needed to heal my marriage. I think my marriage is healing. The way my H responded to my questions the other day is a clear sign that my marriage is recovering. Neither of us yelled and we did not let it ruin our day. We listened to each other, we comforted each other, we both apologized for each others pain and then we had our morning tea and went on with our day. That is a huge difference from a year ago and it tells me that my marriage is healing. It is just taking longer than I would like it to and when it takes longer than I think it should have it starts me feeling down that it will never end. That is the mind frame I have been in lately. I have felt that way just about every 6 months into recovery (at the six month point, at the one year point, and now approaching the 1.5 year point).


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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TTLIG,

I had a question for you. Do you think your H has cheated BEFORE, and just got caught this time? Since I have NEVER been one to check up on my H, he's sure had a LOT of freedom over the past 15+ years. Thinking back on his behavior during the last year of his A, he has had similar behavior over the years. Of course he says this was the first and only time but not sure I believe him. I know there is a difference between a serial offender and a one time A.

Do you just, believe it and try to move on, because I will never know if he has cheated before. How did you handle this in your recovery/questions?


BW (Me) 40
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Co-Worker Affair lasted 13 months
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I don't think he cheated other times, I KNOW he did, he told me himself. One of the great side affects of having my H pissed off and thinking that our marriage was over is that he decided to tell me way too many details. He told me many things that hurt me deeply and he had since admitted that he told me all those things out of anger and because he wanted to hurt me. He told me there were a few other women, but those were just for sex and for some odd reason that makes it easier for me and I don't really think about them.

As for my H getting caught. We had been separated for 4 months, he had filed for divorce, and he had been living with OW for 1 month before I knew anything about OW. So it's not like he just kept coming home and acting like our marriage was fine until he got caught. My H thought that I did not love him and didn't care that he left. To a certain point, this was an exit affair for my H, he thought that our marriage was so bad and had been for so long that it would not change and he didn't want to be in a miserable marriage anymore.

Of course all that changed when I told him that I loved him, wanted him back, and was working on changing myself because I wanted to be a better wife either for him or for the next time I got married.

If you are worried there were others and that your H has not changed, then you should consider having him take a polygraph test. If he is being honest with you then he really shouldn't have a problem proving it to you by taking the test.


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
My H thought that I did not love him and didn't care that he left. To a certain point, this was an exit affair for my H, he thought that our marriage was so bad and had been for so long that it would not change and he didn't want to be in a miserable marriage anymore.

Of course all that changed when I told him that I loved him, wanted him back, and was working on changing myself because I wanted to be a better wife either for him or for the next time I got married.

If you are worried there were others and that your H has not changed, then you should consider having him take a polygraph test. If he is being honest with you then he really shouldn't have a problem proving it to you by taking the test.

Wow, I know that had to hurt. So, after he told you about the other A's how long was it before you had feelings for him again? I'm thinking of myself in that situation and am not sure I could stay in the M but I don't know. I am so careful these days to say what I would or would not do in any given situation. I always told my H if he ever cheated her was GONE!!! The polygraph test is a good idea. So, I wonder where you would go to get one? He did tell me he cheated on me while we were dating but not in marriage, other than this one time for 13 months. Gosh, it makes me sick to say it.

He would insists, I take one too, which I would LOVE TOO!!! I live in Georgia by the way, I bet CA is beautiful.


BW (Me) 40
WH 40
D-Day March 2008
Co-Worker Affair lasted 13 months
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I just looked in the YellowPages phone book under the category of Polygraph and there is a listing for one here, so check for YellowPages.

As for having feelings for my H. His anger inspired confessions came out after I had a breakthrough and realized I wanted my marriage, so I had feelings for him even as he confessed to everything. I held him as he cried about how much he loved OW. And you bet it hurt, it hurt like nothing I have every felt. But I guess if I didn't love him then it wouldn't have hurt. Here's the thing I look at the OW which were just sex as not really significant, but the OW he thought he fell in love with is hard for me. Of course, he has now told me that he doesn't think he ever loved her. Funny and a bit scary how thoughts and feelings change.


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Of course, he has now told me that he doesn't think he ever loved her.


Same thing mine said. My counselor said he has no idea what real love, mature love was anyway. He needed to grow up. I mentioned the polygraph test, he said he would agree, then said, why don't I just go ahead and tell you a few more things on my own. I won't get into every thing here on line but he was having severe self-esteem issues and the whole middle age crisis thing. It is easier for me to see how it all happened now. I'm not sure I could have even stopped the A if I had meet his EN for admiration, attention etc. I think he was to far gone when it even started.

He says he looks back now and just cannot believe he did it, he risk loosing me for what he thought was love. He said he feels so stupid. He now says he appreciates what he has and will never hurt me again. I forgave him finally. It doesn't mean I won;t still hurt and cry and get angry, it means I'm willing to try to move forward and not hold it over his head every day. MY unwillingness to forgive was making me physically and emotionally sick. So, it was hurting ME.

Did you watch the Oprah show on Thursday? I have already read the book by Gary Neuman. It's good, at first I said...come on you've GOT to be kidding, but from what my H says Gary is dead on.

We had a great weekend and fell a peace I have not felt since my D-Day. It feels good.


BW (Me) 40
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D-Day March 2008
Co-Worker Affair lasted 13 months
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I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling better. Enjoy being at the top of the rollercoaster for now!

Did he just volunteer info or did you ask questions?

My H has matured soooo much in the past 1.5 years. He truely has become a great husband and father. Too bad I have all this crap in my head. One day my H and I were talking and I don't remember exactly how this came up, I was saying something about being afraid to make real estate decisions because the recent ones are not so good, but he said don't you feel stronger now and I was sad and said that I feel very weak. He seemed confused by that, he said that I should feel stronger because we made have made it through hard times and are doing so great. You know the what doesn't kill us makes us stronger thing. Well I'm finally starting to feel that way a bit. I feel like I will be okay no matter what happens, which them makes me a little sad. I mean who really wants to feel like they are so strong that they would be okay without their spouse.

On a happier note, my H was talking with one of his best friends that is having some marriage problems (no A but his wife beats him up and tries to allienate all of his friends) and he told me some of what his friend said about his wife. I jokingly said, "so what did you complain to him about me" he looked at me and said "Nothing. What is there to complain about? I am very happy." It's the little things like that that make such a difference. It made my day!

I didn't see Oprah. What is the name of book?


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
Joined: Aug 2008
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Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Did he just volunteer info or did you ask questions?


I didn't see Oprah. What is the name of book?

He volunteered the info. And yes, I still have questions but FOR NOW, I appreciate the honesty and openness with what he did tell me. Tomorrow is another day. I'm enjoying today for today.

The Book is called "The Truth about Cheating" why men cheat and how to affair proof your marriage. Like you said in one of your posts to me about doing the things your husband likes...clothes, dressing, hair, nice meal etc. The main thing he stresses is to appreciate your H both verbally and physically. Only one small chapter about Healing from an Affair, but the whole book is good to me.

It mad me mad at first, like what about the wife? But he said he was working on a book for the husbands now too.


BW (Me) 40
WH 40
D-Day March 2008
Co-Worker Affair lasted 13 months
Joined: Feb 2008
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I got into an arguement with a friend this weekend and another friend asked me if I could just forigve her and move on. I have always been a very forigving person so it really upset when I realized that I couldn't just forgive this friend and move on. I feel like I am all out of forgiveness, I used up all my forigiveness on my H and myself, and I just don't have any left for a friend. That's pretty sad to me. I knew that everything I have been through the past couple of years really changed me, but I did not realize that it had turned me into a stubborn unforgiving person. I'm having a hard time with this. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
I got into an arguement with a friend this weekend and another friend asked me if I could just forigve her and move on.

Don't be too hard on yourself. One of the consequence of an A is that it does change you. Maybe you're more jaded or untrusting but that doesn't make you stubborn or unforgiving. I've always had a problem with people saying "I forgive you" too easily. Why should you forgive your friend? Has she done anything to earn your forgiveness? Just saying sorry isn't enough and you should hold people to standards. Don't beat yourself up.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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