Something does not add up here for me. I have had a girlfriend come to me and tell me about her past affairs. And urge me to have affairs myself....I dumped the friend.

I guess what I would want to know about the level of the posters friendship....If this friend he has was "a close enough friend " to open up about his deeply personal and intimate sex life, then that means that all conversations after that point are therefore.... unlimited.

This then begs the question why you, original poster, have not confronted your friend long before this about thier affair.

If you have been having this knowledge of "him activly carrying on this affair" for three months, and yet you keep listening to him, and he keeps telling you he is still having the affair, and just now you are trying to get us to hand feed you general non specific information about affairs even though we do not know the exact situaion, well it just does not add up to me.

It is nearly CRIMINAL in my mind to listen to someone cheat on thier wife without doing something about it.

You should be:

1. Telling thier wife the truth
2. Telling the OW husband the truth
3. Getting the truth out there to the innocent folks somehow.

There is no excuse for not doing this. Saying you don't know this man well enough or can't find the name of the other woman is no excuse. Why not tell this man's wife? It is criminal not to. If you are asking for advice to help him why not tell the innocent people. It is criminal not to. To have damaging information yet not reveal it to others could lead to thier contracting STD's, an unwanted pregnancy, destroying of lives, families, and marriages, or the living on and on of this man's affair.

Something is way off here and I hesitate to give general affair advice when something is so wrong with the OP story, and we have very little info to go on about his "friend"...what advice could we possibly give that would be relevant without knowing the situaion.

I also hesitate to give advice to a man who is actively listening to another talk about his affair yet this man does nothing to reveal the affair to the innocent parties. It makes no sense to me to hand hold this man and feed him information to give to the other man.

If a man says he is robbing banks, why not report him to the police! If he comes to you for three months to tell you of his bank heists, you have a moral obligation to tell the police and the innocent victims.

Also, if I wanted GENERAL information about affairs for a friend's situation of carrying on an affair, I could look it up myself here on this site or many other sites. There is some other reason this poster is on this site today askinf for advice and I dont know what that is yet.

melloblkmon

I'm glad you've stayed even in the face of some passionate posters.

Aside from being a F-BS myself and knowing how much I would have wanted to know my husband was cheating. I can't help think about this married couples poor innocent daughters.

Your "friend" is an interloper, a preditor in someone else's marriage and family unit. He is an accomplice in destroying the family lives of at least 4 people. Those girls and their dad will NEVER get over this betrayal. And if this cheating wife abandons them for your friend, it will be devistating for them.

Please give that some thought as you're considering exposing.

God Bless.
Jo

Hear, hear.

I feel the frustration of many that would love see that BS be told.

Here's a poster with the frustration to see justice be done and adultery stopped.

Legitimate advice of cutting ties with OM was offered. This is one opinion. Are there maybe no other suggestions?

But why knock this guy in his circumstances? I really think that this guy is trying to do the right thing by posting. Are we trying to shoo him off?

Do I need to start a thread for this because I really want to know?

No, I just want to find out the truth...before more damage is done.

Members:

Please keep your responses respectful and helpful. The Moderating staff is closely watching this thread.

Thank you.

Stellakat, I would be happy to provide you with whatever details you would like as I have nothing to hide other than giving peoples names, employers or other personal information of which I only know about the man I work with, not the woman he is invloved with.

As for being spoon fed I have been to several marriage related counseling sites in the last month (marriagemax, about.com, marriage advice, etc) to look for information for him. Since I am a grown man I have not been spoon fed for a long time I just have found marriage builders to be the best available site I have found. I am sure you feel the same way or you would not be here.

I have searched for much on this site but I wanted to know from more educated posters what the best information to pass along to him would be since I am not the infidelity expert. I only asked for help because I do not have hours upon hours to search through threads for the most helpful information. If you do not want to give me any advice I harbor no ill will toward you or anyone else here with strong feeling about me and my approach to this.

Two posters have been very helpful and I appreciate it. I never intended to come here and cause a moderator to step in to get between me and some passionate posters. I do not think that in my words or posts I have done or said anything nasty to any of you nor will I start to. Thanks for your input...

I have to step out for an hour or so but I will try to come back later if anyone has anymore helpful information for me.

Thanks

Mel

Is your friend ready to end the affair?

Is he ready to tell his wife?

Does your friend want to continue the affair?

For how long?

Stella,

His friend is a single guy having an affair with a married woman.

Jo

Thanks, R,

I had it all wrong. If the guy is single he is only hurting one half the people I thought he was hurting. What can you do?

1. Refuse to talk with him about it again
2. Refuse to appear supportive in his affair
3. Keep arms length from him and do not have him as a friend.
4. Stay out of it.

What else can you do?

Perfect analogy.

Personally, I wouldn't stand next to a rapist while he rapes and try to talk him out of it. I'd crack his skull with a pipe.

If this guy wants to help, he would stop playing make believe psychoanalyst and find out who the husband is and tell him.

Pretty simple really. It just takes some guts.

Oh, and save the 'they are angry because they were betrayed' routine. When you've been raped, you want to help others who are getting the same treatment. Not because of anger but because of empathy. I can't say what I would like to you because I would be editted, but rest assured you've probably gotten the signal from some driver at some point in your life.

I have to agree with this. Mel is going above and beyond to try and help his friend see the error of having an affair with a married woman. To tell him to either 1)cut off all contact with the OM/friend or 2)insist he has an obligation to mount a full scale investigation into who the woman is so he can expose them strikes me a little bit like 'shooting the messenger.'

Mel has an opportunity to try and influence his friend. Telling the guy to take a flying leap negates that opportunity and in all likelihood is going to cause his friend to get defensive and convince himself that Mel is a jerk anyways. So what good is that going to do?

The fact of the matter is most people would not even bother to go the extra mile that Mel is trying to go by coming here. We all know that the majority of people would look the other way. So let's give the guy some credit and assume if he knew who the woman was, he would make the responsible decision to expose the affair. He doesn't, so it's really a moot point, isn't it?

Mel - do a search at the top of right hand side of this website for 'What are Plan A and Plan B?'. Down the left hand side of the screem you will see tons of articles and Q&A about dealing with infidelity. You should be able to find some thing you can print and show your friend.

Mel, I think you are doing a noble thing in trying to get your friend to see the grievous nature of his affair. Trying to lead someone back to the path of righteous is what a good person does and certainly, IMHO, what Jesus would do. Walking away from someone without even trying is, in my mind, just as bad as enabling the affair. You're doing the right thing.

Once you have done everything you can, then you will need to make the decision as to whether to continue a friendship with this guy. Good luck.

Thanks Stellakat...I have had a long afternoon with an unexpected trip to the in-laws for dinner. I will try to answer some of these before I hit the sack...

Keeping him at arms length is not hard as we are in different departments but because we do not "hang out" out on a regular basis I do not think he will be missing my company. My intent is to give him the information that Kahuna and Jayne provided me with and the honest words that I would prefer that he and I not discuss the matter again until he chooses to end the affair.

It seems as if your number four is a suggestion contrary to what some of the other posters have suggested (extreme exposure). Could you clarify number four for me? Stay out of it and not expose if I get a chance or stay out of the whole thing period and mind my own business.

Thanks,

Mel

Not quite sure how to respond to this but I will try...

I am not sure where you are getting the make believe psychoanalyst thing, I have never made believe to be anything in this situation. I don't think I can say more clearly that I have told him on every occasion how extremely bad his decision(s) are. To psychoanalyze him would mean I am trying to get in his head and reason as to why he is doing this and that is not my desire at all. I just want him to get help for the mess he is obviously in. The only way that I can help him is to suggest that he come here to MB and get advice from people who have experience in this arena.

Angry is exactly what someone who has been betrayed should be and I bear those people no ill will for that, however I am not the cause of their pain. I am certain you would say that "people like me" are why they are in pain but that would be way off base. I did not make this mess and I am not responsible for it, no words you say will make me believe I am at fault for the problems in the marriage of two people I do not even know. By the time I found out it had already happened, like it or not that is the truth. Just because I am not out doing detective work to find out who this woman may be and then doing more detective work to expose to a man I wouldn't know if I tripped over him somewhere does not mean I am the bad guy but if it helps you to feel that I am so be it.

As for giving me the finger, you do what you need to do iam. I don't know you and what you have been through so I will take the bird you are flipping and change lanes. Road rage is not my thing.

Good Grief people - give this guy a break.

His friend seems to be a player.

It's probable mellolkmon has no means of knowing who this woman is much less tracking her down.

It isn't his job to be an affair vigilante.

While I personally think his attempts at education are completely misguided, he is doing 1000 times more than the eons of people who IGNORE adultery every single day!!!!

Mel - if you can identify the woman, I would expose in a heartbeat. Your relationship with this guy would also be terminated if it was me.

Good luck and please don't let these guys get you down. You are trying and I commend you.

Thanks for your input MizzJune...

I agree with you in many aspects of your posts. I had a cousin with a really bad gambling problem. College Football season came around and he always needed to borrow money. It got so bad at one point our family stopped taking calls from him and ceased associating with him when he took out a second mortgage on our elderly aunts home. It took a $16,000.00 payment from many family members to save her home. It was years before he got some help and came around...in that time as much as I loved him my contact with him was limited in many ways.

As far as this situation is concerned I think that immediately walking away from him and condemning him when he told me would leave the situation unfinished. I wanted to help him and get him to see that he was investing time and effort into a completely lost cause. The only way to do that was to get him to come here and read about the end results of infidelity and the havoc it wrecks on families. Since he had not taken my advice I wanted to print out some of the information here and put it in his hands in the hopes it might [censored] his conscience.

He has never been forthcoming about any details of who she is or where she is from. I have only seen them in a store together once where I waved at him from a distance...didn't know what was going on then either. If I pressed him for details I think he would shut off and wonder why I was asking. If I told him my reasons I would lose all opportunity to have any chance to reach him. I do realize that the chances of him reading the information and doing a 180 are slim at best but all it cost me was six pieces of paper and some ink. It was that or do absolutely nothing.

I am sorry some think that my efforts in this regard are "gutless" and with out true desire to help but I do have a family and a whole life of my own with kids and a wife that I am responsible for first and foremost. If I can help this man I will if I can't I will move on and go about my business.

I thank you all for your input be it positive and or negative. I will take much of what was said here to heart and implement as much as I can in hopes of making some headway. No one had to post anything but I am grateful that they did!

I truly regret there is so much pain out there when it comes to this subject. Thinking back five or so years ago I remember seeing the movie "Unfaithful" with my sister while on vacation. I have not been able to look at Diane Lane the same way since even though she is one of my favorite actresses. I remember thinking how horrible that scenario would be to live through and many of you have lived it for months and years at a time. No one should be subjected to that kind of treatment...ever. I think it is great that people suffering from the scourge of infidelity in their lives have this community to lean on as the support system here for them is fantastic.

For those offended by my actions/approach to this problem I again wish to express no ill will for you or hard feelings toward your comments. This forum is not the place for me to attack men or women who have come here due to being betrayed by their spouses and caused unbelievable pain some of which never goes away. Your methods of coping with the pain you have experienced will get no negative thoughts or feelings from me. Barring any illegal actions on your part I have no beef with how you approach helping others. I wish you all the best in your recoveries and future relationships.

Thanks again...

Mel

Bit of an update...

It has been a few weeks since I have last posted but I wanted to let a few of you know what happened when I passed that information along to my workmate.

I stopped him one day after work about ten days ago on the way out and asked if we could talk. He said sure and I proceeded to tell him that although I was not his judge and jury I could no longer talk to him about the "relationship/affair" that he is involved in. I felt that it was wrong for him to be involved with a married woman even if her marriage is "on the rocks". I gave him a brief overview of the information about wandering spouses and affair partners which he took and looked at while we talked. He commented that he saw a few of the qualities in this woman he was briefly seeing in the information I just gave him. I say "had been" because he told me that his sister found out about this woman he was seeing and she was at one time a school mate of his sister. I didn't get the impression they were friends though. I didn't realize that he actually had a sister (Funny what you don't know about folks you work with). Anyhow his sister was obviously pretty opposed to and appalled by the whole thing because she said that if he kept seeing her she would keep him from seeing his nephews who I found out mean a lot to him. He helped coach their soccer team at one time and spends lots of time with them.

He told me he respected my feelings and wouldn't make me part of any conversations that involved his current and or future relationships. He said he still wanted us to be cool and not feel weird around one another. I said I would not feel weird mostly because we don't see one another all that much and I am not one to hold grudges. This whole thing is kind of strange to me as I have never been in this position with someone I was not related to. As I mentioned earlier in this thread my cousin was in this position a few years ago. I think his sisters threat may have had some affect on him because he said he hadn't seen much of this woman in the past few weeks. That may or may not be true but now he knows where I stand.

Thanks again to all of you for your suggestions and advice. Not sure if it will keep him from seeing her however he has been passed the information and he knows about this site. I told him to expect some harsh criticism if he comes here but that he could get some good advice as well.

Regards,

Mel

Good work mello. I think you handled that beautifully. You influenced him more than if you had simply run away; and I know it can be uncomfortable to take a stand on personal things at work. A lot of ppl would have turned a blind eye.

Thank you for putting yourself out there.

God Bless!