Hello everyone. Im new at this so bear with me. I have been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. A 5yr old and a 1 1/2 yr old. My wife and I have been together since 1986. She has been my best friend for most of my life. About 2 yrs ago she met a guy in her exercise class at work. They became friends. We ended up getting together as couples(and fams). We had a good time when we got together. The other mans wife is batteling cancer and has been for many years. So we were also a support group for them. Well one thing led to another and my wife and the other guy developed a connection. She said he was only a friend(yada yada yada, youve all heard it before). This was in april when it hit the fan. I have been battling to save my marrige ever since. I called the other guy and he swore to stay away. As my wife also did. We even got together with him and his wife after she found out. My wife has been in a "fog" ever since. Last week I found out they were contacting each other again. I am in a tough spot. The other guys wife is now on all kinds of cemo for the cancer. The last thing I wanna do is drop a bomb like this on her. I contacted the other guy and told him If he did not stay away that I would be forced to rat him out. Boy that sounds childish. My wife again promissed to stay away but I don't believe anything anymore. She is very closed off which makes it hard to work on anything. I know I have been too clingy, but sometimes it gets hard to deal with. Latly I have been much better at giving her the space she needs. I have rediscoverd my music and have been playing at local blues jams on wed nights. Helps kill the pain. We have been going through MC. But until she really commits to me and the family I dont believe it will get better. I love her and dont want anyone else. I feel she still loves me but is in that fog. I have been working hard to meet her emotional needs. Reading books, counsoling, ect.... I do realize that my lack of emotional support led to this. Any ideas would be helpful. I dont think they were physical. Wife says it was an emotional connection. But we all know what that leads to. Any advice would be great.

Your WW has to write a NC letter.

Does the OM and WW work together? Or does OM come into where WW works?

To be NC your WW will have to leave her old job find a new job.

WW will not go through withdrawal from the OM as long as there is still contact.

Have you considered exposing to her family and his family? I agree that it would not be best for her with her cancer to put her through that, but perhaps his and her family can put some pressure on him.

What a creep to be doing this while his W is suffering.

So sorry you are here, tweedman, but welcome to MB.

I agree with Only, I would expose to OM's family and to OMW's family. I also agree OM is a complete creep to be doing this to his poor wife...

Hang in there!

tweedman,

From what you describe, your WW being in a fog and such, it sounds as though she is infatuated with OM. In other words, she has fallen in love with OM. If such is the case, then right now OM is about the only thing on her mind, and she can't help that. Intellectually, she may know its wrong and she should stop. But, psychologically and biologically, it is very hard, if not impossible. She is like a smoker trying to quit. One day she may resolutely determine to end it, but then two or three days later, the urges are so strong, she's back in contact with him.

The good news with infatuations is that they naturally end. The brain can't keep producing the hormones that cause the infatuation, and the infatuation, and its associated feelings of romantic love, ends on its own. The bad news is that it usually takes about 6 months. So, if her infatuation began in April, look to around October for her to start coming out of the fog.

My recommended course of action is to be patient and implement a Plan A (described in articles on the MarriageBuilder site). Implementing Plan A, as well as exposure, are important, but they will not force an end to an infatuation. The infatuation has to run its course naturally. The purpose of Plan A and exposure is to motivate her to return to you once the infatuation wears off. Plan A tries to keep her attraction in you, even though she is now so into OM. Exposure instills a sense of guilt and shame, discourageing her from maintaining her beliefs and ideas about her fantasies over OM.

It is also important to rediscover yourself, as you are doing. Being self-confident, self assured and independent is much more attractive than demanding, complaining, preaching and clinging.

It sounds as though you are doing the right things. I agree with the others on the issue of exposure.
One further note - as long as WW is in a fog, MC is a waste of time. She'll go through the motions, but as long as OM is first in her mind, reconciling with you is not an issue with her.

I really appreciate everyones help. As I have said in the post, there has already been intervention. Both famalies have had a long talk. Seems crazy to have to do that again. Especially with his wifes health condition. Almost seems inhumane. I feel like I would be putting the first shovel of dirt on her grave. I know thats not true, but that what it feels like. This should be a story on Jerry Springer. More insight would be gratefull.

tweedman

I'll ask again: Does the OM and WW work together? Or does OM come into where WW works?

The OM works in another building. She also works with her mother and she knows everything. She totally despises the OM. At least I got that going for me:)

By intervention do you mean you again told the OM's wife that they are at it again or are you refering to the first time which obviously didn't work nor did talking to the OM.

I actually talked to the OM tonight. He is scared that I am going to tell his wife. He swore he was going to stay away as his wife could not possibly handle that. I also told him that I would not stop there. I would tell everyone of his and her family that I could. If this does not work I might as well skip to plan B and go with. Let me know what ya think.

You need to tell his wife without warning him. Just do it.

Sometimes multiple confrontations/exposures are necessary.

Just b/c you expose to OM's family and OMW's family doesn't necessarily mean they will expose to OMW but they can put pressure on OM. I would definitely expose to them if you think exposing to OMW would be affect her health.

Hang in there.