Introvert and Melody,

Thanks for the insight. I agree with you both. Today has been cruddy and I need to refocus on the recovery. That I have control over.

One thing you might want to keep in mind is that some, in fact many, affairs are the result of an infatuation. This is commonly referred to as "falling in love" or romantic love. But, it has a physiological basis. During an infatuation, the brain is flooded with hormones, namely PEA, which cause a state of ecstacy and euphoria, the feeling of butterflies and being in love. PEA is an analog of amphetamine, and in itself is addictive. So, the WS becomes addicted to the OP. Like any addict, they will do anything to get their next fix (i.e., to see and be with OP). This includes lying and deceiving. During an infatuation, their brain is really incapable of being considerate of anyone else other than themselves and OP.

However, the infatuation eventually wears off, usually about 6 months. The WS then often returns to normal, and becomes very remorseful about what they've done and the hurt they've caused.

Shortly after my FWW began her A, I read up on infatuations, and saw she exhibited all the classic symptoms. I decided to try to be patient, and give her to August to come around (6 months after what I could see as the beginning of her infatuation with OM). While it was very hard, come late July, FWW began apologizing, and commenting what it was like in the fog, and she couldn't now believe what she had done, and couldn't understand who she was and what she was doing during the fog.

So, I would say give some consideration, but not much weight, to what they said during the A. He wasn't him. His body was snatched temporarily during the time of the infatuation. But, the more important thing is that it was the real him that allowed himself to get into a situation that led to the infatuation. That is what he must come to terms with to prevent it happening again.

Boy do I hear ya here. I never would have thought my H would do this to me. EVER. Now that he has it's so hard to look back and see the good in our marriage. I broke down and cried the other nigt and kept saying "How could you!!"

I deleted all the pictures of us together off out computer during our last vacation when I know he was carrying on with the OW. I took him on a birthday dinner cruise and we had some nice family time. He said he had a great birthday. He took lots of pics of that and of the whole trip with my family etc. I deleted all the cruise pics. As far as I'm concerned he didn't deserve it. I don't want to remember it now. I know he was calling her during "our" time together. I counted 72 phone calls back and forth from them on his cell phone bill. 5 of them on his birthday. That makes me so mad. He was supposed to be spending time with me and he was thinking about HER. Makes me sick.

On my last birthday, FWW tried calling OM 22 times! ON MY BIRTHDAY!! And in between the calls she managed to find time to give me my birthday present - a new wedding band to replace the one I lost.

A little ironic, don't you think?

On my 25th anniversary, 5 calls.

This is the kind of stuff that kills me. I don't know how they can do it. It's like the WS has a duel personality or something. How they can look you in the face and say that "I love you", "I'm here for you" etc. My WH told me lie after lie right to my face. When I was visiting with my family he was here at home doing everything he thought he could get away with while I was gone. We'd talk on the phone like everything was great. How he could act like he was commited to me and then get off the phone and be with her. It just makes me sick.

Don't have the phone bill for that one yet but I know he talked to her because I saw phone calls on that date from her. On our 15th wedding anniversary. He sent me flowers too. Hypocryte.

I totally understand how you feel. My husband took OW for a ride on our Harley, letting her use MY helmet! Our Harley had been so much a part of "us" and that ruined it for me. Last month we got rid of our Harley and bought a new one, and I bought a new helmet. He also had her in our trailer, and we're getting rid of it too.

When they bring it home, they destroy the home.

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this or not, but we're told to expose, so I did, and now friends are avoiding me...they think I should dump him and because I chose to continue working on our marriage, they have instead dumped me pretty much. It's no wonder people don't want to tell other people! Now we're considered tainted because we stayed with them!

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Now that I know all the details about the whole thing.......how they met, how it progressed, what they talked about, what kinds of things they did together, how and where they would meet, how often, etc.[/quote]

My husband has told me things I wish I DIDN'T know! For instance, did I NEED to know that he talked with her about his childhood? Why would I want to know that he was that intimate with her? This after telling me it was "no big deal", it was "just sex"...he LIVED with her for two months (he works 3 1/2 hours away from home), of course I know it wasn't a ONS! But neither did I need to know just how close he'd opened up to her, that just hurt.

Are you telling your friends the details? If that's the case, stop. While exposure is necessary I don't think that means you have to tell them all the details. Those are for you.

ETA: Of course if you are going with plan D, then fire away.

This is my fear. I have told only a few friends and I feel they look at me like I'm a fool for staying. They "say" they support me in what I'm doing but you can hear it in their voice ya know? It's so hard to pretend though. I hate putting on that happy face and pretending everything is OK when I feel like sh%$ inside.

If your "friends" truly treat you that way then they aren't your friends. People know you must feel like crap so perhaps they are afraid to make you feel worse and aren't sure what to say or do for you.

My husband has told me things I wish I DIDN'T know! For instance, did I NEED to know that he talked with her about his childhood? Why would I want to know that he was that intimate with her? This after telling me it was "no big deal", it was "just sex"...he LIVED with her for two months (he works 3 1/2 hours away from home), of course I know it wasn't a ONS! But neither did I need to know just how close he'd opened up to her, that just hurt. [/quote]

I brought this issue up in counseling. I looked at H phone bill and saw pages and pages of calls. Not only EVERY day but several times a day. I was like "What the he!! Were you guys talking about??" What did you tell her that you could talk to me about??" Not in all our entire marriage have I spent THAT much time on the phone with my husband. And THAT hurt!

We lost a son together about 7 years ago. He really became a dark person after that and didn't open up. Now I know he should have went to grief counseling (maybe me too) but didn't.
He wouldn't talk to me but would talk to her and his other mistress. He confided in them about his feelings. It disgusts me that he would tell her about my beautiful boy. She has no business knowing those detais. NONE. And he had no right talking to her about it. The EA sometimes hurts more than the PA.

It's not how they treat me. They do call and check on me. See how things are going. I just feel like they think I should be gone and don't respect me as much for staying. Maybe I should be gone but I'm trying to do what's right. You get no respect in this world for doing the right thing sometimes. Just life I guess.

I called my best friend when I discovered the A, I was in shock and beside myself. She's never been in this situation before and thought I should dump him. Now she's cooled it towards me and is moving on. I feel double betrayed. I have tried to avoid talking about my M with her since the initial discovery, but she constantly says belittling things about him and shows suspicion without basis. I hate to lose my friend entirely, but may have no choice since we are working on our marriage. I've tried to talk to her about that but haven't gotten anywhere.

vow4good,

I know what you mean about it really hurting to know the details, yet for me, if I didn't know them I wouldn't know if it really was just sex or something more. I needed to know how deep my H was into this relationship and what I was dealing with. By knowing the details I have been able to figure that out and try to move on from there. Now that I know he was just chasing her for SF and wasn't emotionally intimate with her does not make it hurt any less, but it does give me a better understanding of the situation.

I agree with you, I see that now. He'd told me it was nothing, just about sex (so why her instead of me?), but the more I learned, the more I realize he downplayed it. If he was telling her stuff and spending all his free time with her, and helping her it was more than sex, it was a relationship. He once referred to her as his girlfriend and quoted someone else referring to him as her old man...that hurt, ouch! I'm not sure I can ever get over this, I still cry my eyes out when I'm alone and it's been 3 1/2 months! I'm certain I'll never feel the same about him, our relationship, our marriage, trust, nothing!

It's been almost that long for me as well and I'm feeling the same things. I still have the emails that went back and forth. I didn't manage to get all of them but the ones I have were enough to make me ill. He called her his "soul mate", told her he loved her, talked about how much he loved to kiss her etc, etc. Yes and all the efforts he made to be with her and not me or even our kids! All the hundreds of calls to each other. Ugh. It's so heart wrenching to think about your spouse with someone else. It's the worst pain I have ever felt. Trying to love the man who caused me such anguish is hard. I mean I do love him (which is why it hurts) but getting over it all....I don't know how.

He had a CD of pics at his work. He threw it in the trash but I never got to see what was on it. He didn't want me to. Part of me wanted to see it and then I thought it might be a bad idea. It's gone now so I'll never know. Now it's kinda bugging me. He showed me the pictures that supposedly came from the CD which wan't anything dirty, just him and some people he was out with. He admitted he had sex with one of the women in the pics. I don't know if there were pic taken of that or not. I do know he took pics during some of his affairs. It was something he was into. I don't know....picturing your husband having sex with another woman in your mind isn't quite the same as seeing real pictures. It may be TOO real. I know whether I see them or not it will eat at me though. The whole thing eats at me.

I'm sorry to say I know all too well what you mean. I do not think I can ever feel the same again about my husband, our marriage, anything. Knowing he obviously didn't feel the same way about our wedding vows as I did really bothers me, and knowing he could lay aside the fact that I exist and neglect me so he could spend him time with her, really bothers me. Knowing he didn't care how I'd feel about his sexual activity and emotional involvement with some tramp bothers me. I mean if he cared so much, how could he do it? Just thinking I'd never find out isn't good enough for me, I want to know HOW COULD HE DO THIS?! I mean if anyone has been neglected in this marriage, it's me not him, yet I was faithful. I was always high in the sex dept. so why did he go outside our marriage? They talk about Plan A, h_ll, I've LIVED "Plan A" with him since we were married! I just don't get anything. I think he's selfish and incapable of loving at least the way I thought he would love me. I think he has lied to me from Day one and conned me and I don't think there's a lot of hope. I don't even know why I'm giving him another chance. Maybe it's just the anger because it's been 3 1/2 months since D-day, maybe my anger is kicking in. I feel like I have every RIGHT to feel angry and I'm tired of trying to understand and be nice!