I may be wrong but I believe that most people who co-habitate for nine years expect fidelity even though they never bothered to get that "piece of paper." Your WH has already broken NC once, I would go for the backup.

God's Blessings,

Say

Ask yourself this question, do you only do the right thing only if it personally benefits you? For me, there has to be a PERSONAL benefit and everyone else can get screwed. Survival of the fittest baby! Who cares if that skanky OW is screwing some other womans husband, as long as she is not screwing yours?

For example, if i knew my neighbors bookkeeper was stealing him blind, it would not help me one bit to warn him. in fact, there might be legal ramifications! So why should I put myself out for some sorry [censored] next door? He probably wouldn't do it for me anyway.

If theres no personal benefit, theres no point! I say, to each his own and screw everyone else!

besides, its not MY place to warn my neighbor that he is being robbed by his bookkeeper! Just as it is not my place to warn some guy that his skanky ho girlfriend is exposing him to STDs. If it is meant for him to find out, he will find out, right?

Mel...believe me when I say I know the difference between right and wrong. I am not looking for 'personal benefit' here, I am looking at self and marital preservation. Do I want to tell the OW S.O. YES, do I think he has the right to know...YES. Do I want to take the chance that it will put me and my marriage back to day one yet again if she contacts my H because of my actions..... HE!! NO Emotionally I KNOW that I will have a hard time getting over it. My husband and OW put me in this postion to begin with but do I take it upon myself to put me back there again????

So see.....it's not always a question of right and wrong and what should and shouldn't be done. I cannot expose her to her live in and say to HE!! with the consequences. I have to be emotional secure enough at this point to deal with what ever fall out there is.

Well said. It's why I've hesitated too. I keep telling myself that karma will bite her in the a$$. She JUST moved to the Galveston area too to be with her BF....

I so agree with this, you have to look out for #1!

Of course, there is another aspect to this. The likelihood of the affair resuming is GREATER if you don't tell him, because your H is free to contact her and vice versa with no one watching from that end. So, if you have to have a personal benefit to do the right thing, THAT would be a compelling one for me. You tell her SO and you inflict a huge blow on the affair and reduce the chances of a resumption.

Mel,
You have a very valid point and I understand. This is my dilemma though. Have a little faith that my husband means it when he says he does not want to have anything to do with her and let a sleeping dog lie or expose and take my chances. I change my mind every second of every day about how to handle this. Right now, I back to leaning towards exposing and taking my chances. I want OW SO to know for just the reasons you state.

Please let the OW's SO know the truth of his life. He deserves to know. I think back to so many people that knew my ex was cheating and didn't want to tell me. Meanwhile I was exposed to who knows what kind of STD's.

Also if you tell him, the two of you can be watching for more contact. It seems your husband ended it quickly, but that is not the norm here. By not warning the OW's SO you are shooting your recovery in the foot.

If YOU have faith in your husband - then why do you worry about the sleeping dog?

Pep

I have firsthand experience here and will offer a very valid reason as to why you MUST tell the OW's BF or whomever ASAP.

The OW's H discovered his W's affair with my H months before I knew of this. He elected not to tell me. What happened? The A went deep underground and continued for months. It wasnt until I found out on my own and then called OW's H that the A actually ended. It ended for good on they very same day I found out.

The Ow's BF is an ally.

The fact that your H doesnt want you to contact the OW's BF is highly suspect.

In OW's H in my case told me he never told me because his W didnt want him to "cause trouble" and "it could bring up some probelms". What a load of BS. She didnt want him to contact me because she wanted to protect herself and her A.

I am still very concerned about the broken contact not more than a month ago. You want to have "faith" in your WH when not even enough time has gone by for him to be defogged. He had to lie, alot to deceive you while he was carrying on this EA. Please don't give trust back so easily. I am also always skeptical of EAs. INMHO most were undiscovered, unconfessed PAs. OWB may also be a tremendous source of information for you. Maybe, he is wondering if he should tell you.

You are very fortunate to have some of the MB experts posting to you. Look at the number of posts they have. They know what they are talking about and are trying to help you save your M.

God's Blessings,

Say

If your marriage is vulnerable to going back to day one, then the A is not over. Either your WH can resist her attempts to contact him and recovery is underway, or you have put yet another roadblock to the continuation of the A. By NOT exposing, you are leaving a big door open to them.

Hey, take a quick gander over at Bigfatredhead's thread. He JUST exposed to his WW's OMW. This was a result of discovering another contact - depsite there supposedly being NC. Pay attention to this thread over the next day or so and you will see what the fallout is.

See chances are your WH still is in contact. You just don't know it yet.

I do have faith in my husband....what faith I can have this soon. I believe that he will do what he has to IF she contacts him but why would I want to put him in that position??

My H did not say he didn't want me to contact her SO. He told me to do what I needed to do that he stood behind me on whatever I decided. What he said was that, since the "Contact" is a huge issue, he wanted me to think about what the chances were that she would contact him. How am I supposed to take that? That he's no looking out for me but himself? Or do I look at as he DOES NOT want contact with her and by exposing her to her SO that will bring around the chance of it happening???

You didn't put him in this position. He did when he began the affair. The stick of Plan A specifically means do not protect the WS from consequences of their affair. By protecting him from the consequences, you are effectively enabling it. If he's no longer having the affair, there is no harm done.

Bottomline

If you tell the SO - the chance of contact that you know about and can control might happen. If you dont tell the SO - the chances of "secret" contact are greater.

You do realize it's not YOU hurting him.

She's already done it.

You're just informing him that he has an operable cancer.

Not informing him hurts him more.

You should absolutely POSITIVELY expose. People deserve to know the truth about their relationship. I am still pissed that I was in the dark for so long. It is also the only way to get the full truth out about what really happened. I didn't know the full truth until I exposed to OW's H. Just do it.

I see everyone's point and am working on an email. I do not have a phone # and the company that he works for has numerous offices and I don't have a clue as to which office so it will have to be an email or nothing.