Great to hear you exposed, BigRed!!!

Way to go BFRH!!!! And no, don't tell your WW. It will be very informative if she finds out on her own!

Awesome BigRed!!!!!!!

I'm proud of you man.

Now...since OM and your WW seem to think they can dupe you with the "we don't talk anymore" crap. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU CALLED OMW!!!!!!! That way, when (and I say "when"...because she won't be able to contain herself after OM tells her)..."when" your WW confronts you about how you are "making a fool of her"..."embarrassed her"..."you are paranoid"...etc...you will have proof that NC is NOT in place.

Do not tell her about your phone call(s).


You did the right thing, by yourself and by OMW.

Thank you all for the support and the responses. I def fell a lot better.

So now I am just going to continue dating her, meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs, which are neediness, bringing up the M repeatedly, and laziness.

I have got my boundaries all set for when she makes a commitment to the M.

My MC advised me to wait until she is committed before I lay down all my boundaries.

One of the dynamics of our marriage was my domination and her submissiveness. Over the past few weeks Ive discovered so many things that she was unhappy about and never said anything.

So I think I should wait so she doesn't feel I'm dominating and controlling her once more.

She has agreed to go through MBs, so I think I will buy the 12 sessions on Emotional Needs. But I dont think its a full commitment. She is still in a try it and see mode.

Here is my list once she fully commits to Recovery. Help me with this list.

NC Letter
Erase his number off her phone
Give me her email password
Delete him as a myspace friend
Agree to follow Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time

I would take the myspace thing one step further and ban it altogether. It's always been a no-no in my house, but FWH signed up for an account anyway to have an additional means of contacting the skank. IMO, MySpace and the like is just a breeding ground of trouble, and she also needs to take extraordinary precautions to avoid having contact with OM. It would be kind of like keeping her job if she had a PA with a coworker - it's too tempting to re-establish the A.

I gotta agree. There really is no reason for a married person to be ANY social sites. I know because of my age, I missed the internet lifestyle by a few years, but..........why would an adult person want to find friends on the internet????

BFRH made contact!

If OMW chooses to ignore the info that's up to her, but you did the right thing. Next time you have W's phone, just delete his number. Get rid of the myspace account all together.

How can she fully commit to recovery, if she doesn't do these things? This sounds like a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Yeah I will have to think some more on that. It does have some useful stuff. She has lots of our kids pic on there, and she uses it to keep in touch with some friends.

I have always had her myspace password and I dont think they ever used it to get in touch.

I just want him off her friends list, so when she looks at her list she is not tempted to go look at pics of him.

The only reason I am hesitant to do those things is because one of the biggest problems in our marriage was my dominance. It was weird on my personality profile I am 95/100 dominant and she is 15/100 towards the submissive. But unlike most dominant people I am really low on hostility.

I pretty much did what I thought was right our whole marriage, I still cared for her, showed her affection, but I did many other things that drove her crazy, depleted Love Units for so long and she never let me know.

Our biggest part of recovery has to be her ability to tell me when she has a problem and give input. To follow the POJA.

She feels she never got to make decisions. So now I am going to let her make those decisions. I am still going to hold my boundaries. But I will let her make those decisions while having the full knowledge of what the consequences will be.

I was thinking about this last night and I think in order for your WW to be successful with NC for life, she's going to have to give up the WoW...same as she would have to leave the job if they worked together.

In that game you can see who else is online playing and message people while you play, right? Not a good idea at all if they both do it daily and hours at a time...

Yeah def something I am thinking about. I think I will ask the MC what he thinks also.

I just talked to her about the upcoming expansion pack and she is excited about it.

I asked her if it was something she wanted to play together and she said yes.

I think that boundary should be that its only something we do together and I will have to have her password so she can only log on when I am home.

But again with the dominance thing the more demands I make the more she will go into her child-like state. So I need to tread carefully.

We will have to see when we get there. If we are in recovery and she is meeting my ENs and I hers. It prob wont be on my mind.

Come to think about it I have not touched my wife in 6 weeks, when that happens there wont be much of anything on my mind.

I think I need to approach it like this.

"WoW is something I struggle with. I like the game and have fun when we play together. But I am at work I worry that you are online playing and talking to OM. I know you have said you will stop but I still have worries and doubts."

Depending on how she responds I will know if we are truly in recovery or still in withdrawal. At that point I can proceed with asking that I retain her password.

Another good thing I thought of. I am not controlling her or invading her privacy I am trying to make our marriage affair proof.

Im sure I read that somewhere.

Or, you could say it is an EP (extra-ordinary precaution)

This is good. I thought I'd already posted this to you but I guess I didn't. Another thing you can explain is that there is a difference between "privacy" and "secrecy". Privacy is going to the restroom alone. Secrecy is doing something in secret that you don't want anyone to know. What she was doing was in secrecy. There should be no secrets between a husband and wife.

WOW! Did i ever screw up big time.

I was on MB last night at home. She was playing WoW. She asked what I was doing. I told her. She walked near me to do something and started reading over my shoulder. I closed the window.

She went and sat back down. I told her I didnt want to hide anything but that if she wanted to read what was written I would like to explain somethings to her first.

She came over again and before I could explain started reading over my shoulder. I closed the window again asked if she could wait. She went to bed and closed the door.

Then I followed her. And in my pre D-Day way tried to force her to have a conversation with me about it. Good for her she held her boundary but I kept pushing.

She blew up and said I had just "pooped" on all the work we had down the last few weeks.

I really felt like I had just depleted the last few weeks worth of love units.

This morning I talked to her and explained that I screwed up and I am prob going to do that from time to time. She was receptive.

She explained that the problem she had last night was about the forums. And the fact that I was sharing about us and her to strangers who had no idea who she was. She felt invaded upon.

I guess I would feel the same way. I should have never been checking the forums at home.

But that is past and here is where I find myself. I think I agreed that for now I need to ease off the forums.

I know what I need to do from this point. Everyone on here has been truly helpful. I dont think my marriage would be where it is at without everyone's help. I truly thank you all.

But I know what I need to do from here. I know what my path should be. Please pray for me that I will keep it.

I am going to ask the moderator to delete this thread. I dont want her coming on here and reading what I have wrote.

I am sorry if this feels like a rejection to some. It really is not I give my heart felt thanks to all. But I think from now on my recovery needs to be between me, my wife, and MC.

Thank you all so much.

Red:

Don't give into her on this.

Don't delete this thread.

She wants to come read it?

So be it.

She had inappropriate relationships with others on-line and "doesn't want others to know" what she did.

You SHOULD have kicked her to the curb. But we advised you how to start FIGHTING for your M. How to fix parts of you that was broken.

And she STILL wants to play WoW while your trying to figure OUT how to save your M.

Let her read here.

So what.

I may be the best thing that ever happened to her.

LG

BFRH

One step forward, two steps back...

If you decide to ease up on the forums, that's your decision of course but don't be guilted into it by your WW. She continues contact with OM right in front of your face, won't commit to your marriage, won't touch you...and you are the one "pooping" on all the work? Unbelieveable.

I don't need to personally "know" your W. Her actions, or rather inaction, speak for themselves as to who she was/is. Some times total strangers will give you objective answers because you don't want to see the truth for what it is. I pray that you don't put your blinders on again. Good luck to you.

BFRH,

I agree with BR and LG.

Also just want to point out to you...if she caught wind you are being advised WoW is not good for your M here, she probably will gaslight you and not want you here. I'm going to guess she is at least mildly addicted to it(I know several people who are)...then add to it that she loses her avenue of contact with OM...

She is still in the wayward mindframe. Don't let her bully you!