A Newfoundlander was terribly overweight, so his Doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day.

Repeat this schedule for 2 weeks and when you return, you will have lost
at least 3 kilos.'

Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns and the Doctor is shocked to
see he's lost 25 kilo.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor 'Did this happen by just following
my instructions?'

The Newfoundlander nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I
were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From hunger, you mean?'

'No, from all dat fockin' skippin!'

Proper English - Preposition at end of sentence?!

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife, Cara. The certificate paid for a visit to a Medicine Man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some persuasion, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the Medicine Man, and wondered what was coming next. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me and, with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine, my son, and it must be respected. You take
only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, ''How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the Medicine Man responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not workagain until the next full moon.'

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

BRAVO......Thanks for the laughs today.....

not2fun

ps...Hey intro, how's things going for ya??? I keep a watch out.....hope all is well....n2f

You're welcome N2F.

I updated my thread in recovery this morning.

Thanks for your concern.

RED WAGON





A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The little girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look, “That sure is a nice fire truck”, the firefighter said with admiration.





“Thanks”, the girl replied.



The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.



“Little Partner”, the firefighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think it will go faster”.



The little girl replied thoughtfully “ You probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.

LITTLE TONY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Ha, Ha!!!

Thats funny.............real funny.

Ha! I love little tony jokes!! Theres a bunch of em.......

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that? Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a big fat jerk' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother

A man is like a deck of cards.


You need a heart to love him,


a diamond to marry him,


a club to smash his f_cking head in,


and a spade to bury the ba$[censored].

MY LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a biotch.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All
of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she
was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my [censored].


Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna

This morning's joke, told to me by my 4 yo while I was driving him to daycare:

(little manly voice from the backseat)
"Mama! What kinda waifs (waves) go up on little-bitty beaches?"

(me)
"Dunno, son. What kind?"

(giggle)

"MICRO-WAIFS!"

Okay. It's a groaner...but it was so stinkin' cute.

"If he loses too fast, he'll go into renal failure and that will be very detrimental to him," Wicky said.


I just love that line.... Tubby Tabby Goes on Diet

Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married....



The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be
home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-wit ted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
=MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem
pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh [censored].'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice
more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

My Southern MB friends should get this one:

A couple of Yankee salesmen were travelling through Kosciusko, Mississippi when they got into an argument over how to pronounce the name of the town. They bickered and argued...one guy saying "It's obviously Kohshusko", and the other swearing "No, it sounds like Kahziessko!"

Finally, they stopped at a fast food joint for lunch, and one of the salesmen tells the girl behind the counter about their argument. He asks her to pronounce the name of the place they're in, and say it slowly and clearly.

With an earnest look on her face, the girl says "You're in the Daaaayyy Raaaayyy Quaaaayyyn."

at peace, that took me FOREVER to get but I finally got there.

You just have to read it with a southern drawl.

That's what I did in the end. I thought I did very well considering we don't even have that particular place of business in this country.