Thank you medc. The weekend started off fairly well. H and I were getting along. Yesterday was our anniversary (18 yrs.) but we didn't do anything because we have been tight on funds. I really didn't mind. We took it easy all day, which is a change from our usual schedules. Mid afternoon his business cell rings and he starts talking business. Not only is it Sunday but its our anniversay. I know it was a male on the other end because I heard the voice. What upset me was it was our anniversary and why it couldn't wait until Monday morning.

It always seems to get better and then he does something to make me feel like I'm second to everything else. Maybe I'm maling too much out of it. He apologized after the fact but I still felt like this one day couldn't be about the two of us. He always seems to put something between us. Maybe I'm over-reacting.

How long was the call?

Could it have waited...or is that just your desire?

Perhaps you have some unreasonable expectations that are being fueled by resentment???

There are lots of things that the two of you could have done yesterday to make the day special without spending money...what did you do for one another to recognize the day?

***edit***

Stella,

The situation with HeavensDoor has been handled. Please stop threadjacking heartbreak3's thread with this issue. In the future, if you have suspicions about a poster, please use the notify moderators button and let the mods do their jobs please.

Thank you.

Yes, I do hold resentment. I've been resenting him because of the lies. Even when he swore that there was nothing more to tell, I later found that there was always something more. I've been trying to get on the path to heal, trust, etc. but it seems we always come back to where we started. It took him 8 years to tell me it was PROBABLY an Emotional Affair.


In reply to your question medc, I wish we could have done a little something on anniversary but we live in the midwest and it had rained here for days and streets were flooding, including our basement.

He was on the phone and computer for about 15-20 minutes. I would have hoped he would have just listened to the voice mail and made a judgement call whether it was important enough to have to deal with business immediately. He wasn't able to do anything about it until morning anyway.

I suppose I always question everything,whether he knows it or not, which isn't good.

IMHO (and obviously you are free to feel differently) 15-20 minutes is not an amount of time to get upset over.

I would seriously suggest a polygraph exam (when you have the funds) if you still doubt he is telling you the truth.

I've been blasted on here before, but I'll chance it again.

The day I have to get my spouse to take a polygraph, dig through dirty underwear to test body fluids or treat him like a child is the day I am out.

As I explained in my very first post, it is not my job to police another adult. He either loves me and stays and does what is right or I will move on.

You can fight and fight all day to MAKE someone love you, but in the end you end up feeling like a parent and not a spouse.

My H made a huge mistake...and one I hope he NEVER repeats, but I will not consume myself with it and I will not make my every waking moment an obsessive vigilance of keeping him on the straight and narrow.

The best advice you can take from here sometimes is to step back and let them see what life without you is like. Patience is truly a virtue.

As the old saying goes..."...if it was yours to begin with, it will come back to you."

And as another old saying goes..."Fool me once shame on you...fool me twice shame on me." So how much shame are we all willing to bear? Personally...I won't give my H another chance after this first time. But my patience allows me the opportunity to be with him and give him the chance to make a fool of me again...but only one more time...if he does. In the meantime, I enjoy my life and do not live in a paranoid police state.

In the past few months, my H has shown me nothing but gratitude and recommitment based on the fact that I showed him respect as another human being for making a huge judgement error. I am sure all of you are shaking your heads and saying..."yeh he is getting what he wants and probably still seeing OW". His actions to me spell otherwise, because I never abandoned him or my M, but gave him grace and a choice to fix it. As humans we are all rebellious and given ultimatums, tend to react rebelliously. If I was the one that had the A and my spouse became my parent...I would despise them and probably do everything opposite of what they wanted me to do. Just my nature. I am a passive aggressive that had a domineering mother.

I hate to see the desperation here so much of the time. As if the policing and the paranoia has BECOME the marriage.

Just my two cents and I am sure I will have millions of dollars worth of accusations, belittlement and negativity wrought down on my head for it. Thanks in advance.

I understand what you are saying. I think the playing detective part comes in at the beginning when they are lying to you and making you think you're crazy and you want to know what you're dealing with, just for once, give me the truth!
But to live an entire marriage out reading their emails, listening in on their phone calls, checking their computers and bank statements and phone bills, hiring detectives, placing devices on their cars, well, that seems obsessive and stalking! I personally wouldn't want to have to live like that. I agree that in being a great person you give them incentive to want to be with you, and if you have to at some point, withhold yourself from their life so they can see what life will be like without you and reconsider their decisions and actions, those things are valid moves. If they do NOT want to be with you and have every intention of continuing to eat cake, who wants or needs that?!

Thank you Vows! Couldn't have said it better myself! Of course you said it in half of what it takes me. H and I have joked that I talk things out too long and that is one incentive to fly right. Otherwise he will have to listen to 3 hour analysis and talk time on it...LOL Whatever works!!!!

I have wondered throughout this ordeal...are all of the WS worth the work? Mine is and I have truly evaluated our M and whether he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. But when I look at some of the marriages on here and that they have been struggling with them for years I wonder if they are staying because they don't want "failed marriage" on their life resume or if the spouse is really worth it?

And before I get attacked....This is just a curiosity on my part. I do not mean to offend anyone by suggesting that their spouse is a bad person or worthless. But there are people that have been trying to prop up and repair their M's for so long. Could they have just really made a mistake and they need to cut their WS loose? Some people really are beyond change.

no regrets,
I have to agree with you on that. Of course it is a relative thing as to whether or not some WS/M are worth it or not. Some remain to be seen. People's reasons vary as to what they'll put up with and why. But then again, my friends think I'm nuts for not throwing in the towel on D-Day! ...of course, they haven't been in this situation so it's easy for them to say.
I honestly can't even say for my own M, time will tell. A lot of factors come in to play...finances play a large picture, as do children when people have them still at home. It's not all so simple! The important thing is building a good M or knowing when to count your losses and move on if need be.

I have had a rough couple of days. Another lie came out. So what else is new, this is a constant.

Our counselor mentioned he has a narcissistic behavior pattern. I didn't even want to go there because his mother is a narcissist and her bull*** has always botherd me. I decided to do some reading about narcissism. What a portrait of my H. I becagn thinking I was going crazy. I couldn't understand his lies, stories, and anger. Everytime I held him to his word about honesty he would go off (verbally).

I more then ever need to get myself together mentally, and emotionally.


Can anyone give me some insight about living with a narcissist?

Everything I have been reading about narcissism is leaving me hopeless. I really love my H but reading articles on this topic makes me believe life will always be as it is, a roller coaster ride. In my marriage I have dealt with financial difficulty,
H's SA(which I apologize for not mentioning but it is difficult to talk about), and H infidelity.

I'm also dealing with my mom's alzheimer's disease, which is also tearing me apart. I know its a disease but it hurts when she asks me who my mom is.


I'm drained. Everything is falling apart and I don't know where to go from here.

Heartbreak,
I am sorry, my H's also narcissist. What I've read doesn't lend much hope. I guess you can put up with it until you can't take it any more and leave. My recommendation is get IC and maybe get some light shed on where you should go from here. I wish you the best, I can relate.

Thank you for your reply Vows.

I have been to C and the bottom line has become 'what if this is his best?" I don't know what goes on in his mind. He keeps making promises of changing and I believe he wants to, then something happens, and this other person comes out. The narcissist spews its ugly head when we're doing great, and it sends us back to square one.

I'm not sure what happened to me in the last few days but emotionally I feel dead. I have gotten in a, "whatever," frame of mind when it comes to H. I feel stronger emotionally but I know the attitude is not good for our marriage.

Oh my, do I know what you mean!!! I think it's because we can only take so much emotionally, and we're trying to shut off a bit to protect ourselves from more hurt, we literally can't take any more! I honestly wish I didn't care at all and could walk out the door and HURT him! But I can't. I'm the one that DOES care. And I've never been one to hurt anyone. But it's so hard to have the one person in the world that should treasure you and appreciate you, treat you so deplorably.
I guess if what is now is their best, we have to decide if that's good enough for us to live with...me, I don't think I can do an entire lifetime of "what is", I need better than this or I'd just as soon be alone. I can't take the stress, the tension, the pain of loving someone that doesn't seem to love you back, at least not like you need and deserve. Having no one and nothing would be better than the pain of seeming rejection.