James

So sorry to hear about your friend's loss of his child. I had a dear friend at work go through a similar situation a few months earlier. It is a tragedy beyond words...

But I was glad to see you back and updating us all. Missed you.

Hang in there.

Smartie

Thanks everyone.. I really am just hanging in there at this point.

Yesterday I got an interesting suprise.. DD's middle school volleyball team was playing the local Catholic school team, and guess who was coaching the other team?


SIL


Now at the beginning of this, for those who haven't been following the whole way.. SIL, FIL and I talked quite a bit.. WW didn't like that much and basically did a plan FU on them both. FIL and WW seem to have mended things for the most part.. but regardless I've had very little contact with SIL or FIL beyond the very occasional pleasant/inspirational email and well wishes for the family.

It's been about 4 months since there's been any real conversation between us.. but had a very pleasant conversation with SIL.. her team did very well considering DD's middle school has dominated girls volleyball for the last couple of years, and played both the 7th and 8th grade girls to the wire in almost every game.

We talked about the girls, my nice and nephews.. her oldest son has snagged the lead in one of the community theater children's plays for the fall, so I promised to come see him perform.. had my nightly call with DS during the game, and he wanted me to say hello to her for him.. I did.. I could see it triggered her a little that she hasn't seen DS since Christmas.. so I made the offer for them to come over and help me devour some of the stuff from the freezer that didn't get cooked at the grillin out weekends I've had the last couple of weeks. Who knows if they'll follow through.. but I'd sure like to see them.

I don't think WW and SIL have bridged the gap yet.. and I know that SIL is very much against the A and the D.. and I could see that she still hurts over it in the way she asked about things.. WW wasn't discussed at all.. but you can kind of just tell things when you're talking with someone..

I hate what all of this has done to our families.. but it was nice for DD to see her aunt and the hugs they traded a couple times were real heartwarming.. this sucks for the families.. but sucks even more for the kids..

Yet another 'Affairs suck' days..

Started today laughin though.. funny stuff on the AM radio got me in a good mood to start things off.. work is a bit chaotic but we're managing.. looks like another day at the office amigos.

James,

It's good that you & DD had an opportunity to see SIL! It is awkward & painful, but it does lessen a bit over time. If they do follow through with a visit, it will be even less so moving forward.

I did that with Drac's family. For all intents and purposes, we continue to interact as family/friends with Drac as a sidenote that becomes less & less with time.

Dive into that work, knock it out early & have a great weekend!

Oh - and just a little note, you might want to prepare for a small s*t storm from WW over your interaction with SIL. You know that she won't like it that you 2 talked. It still gets to Drac that his family still loves me.

This is going to be long folks... not sure how many will read this or take the time.. but for those who do.. thanks.. it's been cathartic writing..




Well.. no sh*tstorm ever came of my interaction with SIL.. I suppose that probably means WW either didn't hear about it or doesn't care *shrug* Doesn't matter anyhow.. just saved me a trigger over the past week..

Not that I'm short on those today.. or well.. Monday was worse..

Ok.. I love the show Heroes.. WW and I watched the first season together and were really really into it.. I watched the second season alone last year and it's really the only 'show' we watched together that I can still watch without constantly thinking of her.. well.. the premier for the 3rd season was Monday.. and for some reason, I wanted nothing more than to be curled up on the couch with her and watching the show...

Then I looked over and saw the new 'family' portrait on the wall.. it's simple.. with me propped up on my elbows and DD and DS on my back.. three smiling faces, smiling real smiles that have been very rare this past year.. it's a family.. it doesn't feel like a complete one.. I still very acutely feel the loss of DSD and WW.. I haven't gotten to a point of feeling 'right' again yet.. maybe it's like I told my guitar player's GF.. nothing will ever be 'normal' again.. not like you knew it.. it'll just be a 'new normal'.. and it will eventually become comfortable.

*sigh*

I really need to start taking my own medicine..


The interesting thing that occured to me though was just how different my life was before WW came into it.. I was happy and content with just being me.. I'd had relationships come and go without a lot of emotional upheval.. healthy breakups even for the most part, where years later I'm able to reconnect and be friends with a few of these women.. who, oddly enough are fiercely protective of me when it comes to WW.. and who have never liked her, or thought she would be.. the word two of them used.. 'worthy'.. of me...

But regardless.. I was comfortable with myself.. I -liked- who I was.. I was the confidant.. the counselor my friends came to with their problems.. I was the [censored] who would shoot you straight and not pull punches if/when asked for my opinion..

And you know... that guy still exists.. he's still in here. No.. he's not happy because he 'believes' that something is missing.. that something is 'needed' that wasn't ever needed before.. that I've lost something that -gives- value to my life rather than takes it away.. (and we can get into the DS and DSD factors here.. but for the moment lets stick to WW.. WW, DS, and DSD were not in my life prior.. so we'll stick with this somewhat flawed but going somewhere line of thought)..

W (before earning the other W).. in truth, was a source of companionship, my best friend in the world, an incredible although far too infrequent (IMO) lover (sorry to those sensitive to that kind of thing).. and a mother figure for DD... at least in the beginning..

As I started contemplating this.. I came to realize that even from the start she was.. well.. a burden that I've carried.

When we met.. WW could barely make rent and keep the lights on.. was struggling and struggling to make things come together for her and her daughter. I was the white knight.. the rescuer.. with me she wouldn't have to struggle.. she wouldn't have to worry that DSD would be cared for and provided for.. combined we could manage and thrive and -be- a family...

So we decided.. since we got pregnant with DS very early on in the relationship to give it time before we got married.. but we would move in together to consolidate bills (not pay for two places at once) and raise DS together... not to mention that DSD almost immediately became as attached to me as my arm is when I'd be around.. so we moved into a little apartment just big enough for DD, DSD, DS, WW, and I about a month before DS was born.

After DS was born.. WW decided that she wasn't going to go back to her job as a manager at Wendys.. job didn't pay badly, and I urged her to go back until she found something else.. but she was convinced her boss and another of the managers was out to get her.. so she was to stay home for another 6 weeks.. I urged her in the meantime to find something or we'd find ourselves struggling to make rent and pay the bills with a new baby in the house..

Six months went by.. and long story short after a few token attempts at finding a job.. even a part time one.. she decided it'd be less expensive for her to stay home as what she could find on a HS Diploma would barely cover daycare since she no longer quallified for assistance.. so she would go back to school..

Two weeks after our wedding.. which -had- to be a Catholic wedding.. and -had- to have the full deal with the reception.. and -had- to somehow cost us lots of money we didn't have.. but I didn't put my foot down.. how many times was I going to get married? How special was this going to be for our girls.. how wonderful would these memories be for DS when he got older to know that he was part of his mom and dad joining their lives together.. and it was.. it was a beautiful wedding.. the chapel overlooking a lake on an early August day with little fluffy clouds in the sky... it was perfect.. and we were too... the envy of all the 'couples' we knew.. there was something special.. we were doing it right..

What we were really doing, was digging ourselves a hole.. a trap.. which our marriage fell into eventually..

So my beautiful.. smart.. wonderful wife takes on some pretty heavy courseloads at school.. 22.. sometimes 24 credit hours per semester.. except the two summer semesters which she was only allowed to take 16.. and completed her Legal Secretary certification and 2 year degree in a year and a half.. with a 3.8 GPA.. the whole family was so proud of her.. I still have the video I shot of her graduation ceremony.. we were still so much in love.. and ignoring our mounting problems.. and mounting debt at the same time.

So here it is.. James.. on 35K/yr has managed to cut corners.. and scratch by to support a family of 5 for 2 years.. WHILE putting one of them through college.. and footing the bill for an elaborate but not extravagant wedding.. rent.. bills.. 2 car payments.. I still don't know exactly how we managed to survive, but I can tell you that EVERY DAY was a mountain of stress on my back.. every emergency that popped up during those 2 years threatened to be the end of the world.. or at least it felt like it.. it always led to the questions 'How the hell are we going to pull this off?'..

But together.. we managed.. even if I was pulling most of the load.

Things were supposed to get better.. she got a job close to where I was working (45 minutes from home when it wasn't rush hour.. an hour and a half if it was.. and it always was).. and it was summertime so we were scrambling to find a house in the area before school started.. and we found one.. and made an offer.. and were countered.. and a counteroffer and accepted!! Now it was stressful, but we'd be able to afford the payments.. they were only $200 more than we were paying in rent and with the combined income we were even going to be able to dig out of the hole we'd put ourselves in over the previous 2 years.. within about 4 or 5.. and we had a -plan-.. and things were going to be wonderful..

So.. the day after our offer is accepted.. James loses his job, in a cut that wouldn't have been much of a suprise had I not been focusing my attention elsewhere.. so I'm off work a month and a half.. the house falls through.. it's a dissapointing and stressful time.. and our 2nd wedding anniversary passes without us doing much of anything special.. the rut of withdrawl and dissilusionment begins to set in.. she's now upset all the time being the one who has to support the family.. and of course I miss that big red personality flag..

The new job however is closer to home.. we can stay where we are, and dig ourselves out even quicker.. but WW wants a house.. we've been hell bent on it for 3 months now.. so we start looking locally.. get the kids into the best school district in the city.. and are still on track to be out of debt in 4-5 years.. by December she's got a job at the law firm.. and things are going even -better- than we'd anticipated.. I'm making twice what I was and am closer to home.. she's making just under what she was making, but is doing -exactly- what she went to school for and -wanted- to do.. You'd think we'd be ecstatically happy..

I pick up the kids after work and they help me with dinner every night, and doing things around the house that you have to do with just about any 'new' house before it starts feeling like home.. had DSD and DS help me put in the water softener.. build a shed.. landscaping.. putting appliances and furniture together.. WW came home.. worn out from a day at work, so I put dinner on the table and afterwards she'd curl up with a book and I'd watch TV or mess around on the computer or play games and the kids usually just played together after dinner.. it was easy... all too easy to become complacant.. it wasn't a -struggle- anymore and I was thankful for it.. glad for the opportunity to catch my breath and put down some of the burden I'd been sholdering alone for a while.. I had my partner back.. I was content.. complacant.. the taker started waking up in fits and starts.. and I started some unfortunate independent behaviors now that I wasn't worrying about everyone else full time..

It went on like this for about 10 months.. and then.. just after our 3rd wedding anniversary.. well.. that's the story that starts this thread..

-------------------------------

So why now, do I tell that story?

Well.. because I have an opportunity to set that burden down now.. I've been carrying it.. shouldering it myself -again- the whole year and a month that this A and D crap has been going on.. and I don't have to.. I can CHOOSE to be happy.. I can CHOOSE not to concern myself with how she is doing or worrying about her.. I can CHOOSE to be -content- with my life.

Well.. kind of.

Still fighting for DS.. and that's going to be the big struggle.. after the D is over, that part won't go away and I'll be lucky to get more time with him.. but we're trying for -everything-..

But I can CHOOSE to be happy.. to know that I'm not missing anything because I don't have WW.. I'm actually gaining a lot of my self back because I don't have her.. I've reclaimed a lot of what I gave to someone who was only there to take..


It also helped me realize.. that Wonderboy is now the white knight.. there to help her stand on her feet as she tries to get out of the mountain of debt and responsibility.. the guy DSD clings to like an appendage.. her -escape-.. her hero.. It's her pattern. and it won't last.. but that's really not my concern either.. it's just whether or not I'll be there and still love her when it's over.

Who knows the answer to that question.. I've got my get out of purgatory free card though right?



There's freedom and some peace in knowing I can make the choice to be happy... and realizing that in choosing that, I truly set myself free and will be much healthier as a result.



Another trigger today though.. and it puzzles me with such thoughts as above so fresh in my mind.. that I'm so bothered with the thought of having to go to WW's apartment tonight to pick up DS... I've only been there three times and she's been there since February.. DS is running a very low fever today and stayed home.. she stayed with him rather than WB.. which should make me more at ease right?.. I don't know why I'm triggered over it.. but I am.. I can feel the anxiety start bubbling up from the gut and clogging up the chest.. can't think as linearly as I'd like to.. trouble staying on task..

I think I'm more bothered by the fact that I'm bothered.. if that makes any sense..

James,

I'm sorry that you are triggered. I read your post (yes, every word), and I feel the sadness. Many men are rescuers, and I married one, too, and I thank my stars every day for him.

But to take advantage of such a rescue is very selfish. In your post, all I saw from her is 'me, me, me'. I would not be able to bring a child or two to a new marriage and expect my new husband to be the only breadwinner.

Good for her for wanting to go back to school, but heck, she should have gone part-time, and worked part-time, so that you did not have to shoulder that load.

Fast forward to her wanting the house. How could she get tired of shouldering the financial responsibility so quickly. You were very patient to wait for her to even bring an income into the household.

And now...she's back to square one. Repeating her old patterns.

I admire you, James. You are so loyal, and steafast, and true. One day, some woman will be very lucky to have you, and you will not believe how much you put up with.

I know you love her, and I won't allude to the person that she is, but only to how she's acting. She acts like a selfish, spoiled brat, and you, my friend, deserve to be treated better than she has treated you since she began this affair.

I wish you peace today.

Of course we'll read it, amigo.

It's what we do.

I don't have any wise words to offer, just to let you know again that you are not alone.

I've been in those moments of reflecting and hurting and being angered by how much I felt I gave to WxH. For him to then just throw it away.

We, too, were finally at the point where much of the stress and pressure had been dealt with. Things were evening out and we were becoming a bit more comfortable financially.

It makes me wonder if he wouldn't have left sooner if we had been more financially stable earlier on. Was he just waiting and making me handle the difficulties and then bolting when it had all been dealt with?


Triggers don't need a "valid" reason. They just are.

Are you required to go pick up DS or can you meet somewhere else?

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Fox

Hi James,

I also read your post... your 'new line of thinking' is a step in a 'healthier' direction... and, yes, we are all here to get used to a 'NEW normal'....

Can you can get a small version of your 'new' family picture...and carry it with you whereever you go? ...keep it close to your 'heart'? ...I think it might help in the 'triggers' department, maybe... nothing to lose to try :RollieEyes: (this has been my motto for a while now!)

I think you are taking steps in the right direction, James. Triggers have no rhyme or reason sometimes. Trying to figure each one of them out could consume all your free time. That's some valuable time, too. You know it will pass. It's all part of moving on. Many triggers will cease and some will prevail for a little longer. Time and darkness against the wayward help a great deal.

You've got a great family; try to focus on your blessings. It helps when things get rough.

Thanks again to all who had the time/patience to read that rather non-linear train of thought. I'm doing pretty good today. DS wasn't really all that sick yesterday. I took his temp when we got home and he was very close to 'normal', but did have a bit of a cough so we stayed in and worked with our colors/shapes flashcards, played one of his favorite video games for a little while, and then watched part of the season premier of Knight Rider (have I mentioned that DS is a Mustang FANATIC?).

When I arrived at WW's apartment, it seems to have finally turned into the mess I figured it would.. it's not as bad as her apartment was when we first met, but you can tell that her old habits and patterns are resurfacing.. she's not trying to 'impress' anyone anymore.. wonder how that sits with Wonderboy.. it drove me nuts, and I'm no 'clean freak' by any stretch. I dunno if it was just that she was home all day, but she looked.. well.. I don't know how else to describe it except dirty.. You might expect someone to answer the door at a hillbilly trailer park in what she was wearing... definitely -not- the norm for my wife.. WW.. well maybe that's different.

What bothered me though was that for being home all day DS had obviously not been bathed, and had ripped jeans and a dirty shirt on.. now there was laundry all over the living room.. maybe she'd just run out of clean clothes? I dunno.. but it irritated me.

I asked if DSD was home while I was collecting DS.. WW said she was but she was in her room doing homework.. so I asked if I could at least go say hi to her.. and WW then changed her story to 'well she's in trouble and I really don't want to send a mixed message to her by letting her out of her room.'... WTF.. DS later said that DSD had 'scared' him when she got home from school so mommy spanked her and sent her to her room... I didn't pry for details but I was fuming.. I pray for DSD.. I know she's being largely ignored over there and practically lives in her room.. from the snippits DS contributes about DSD.. it seems she's always in trouble. *sigh* I'm sure it doesn't even cross WW's mind that she just might be acting out as a result of -her- bad decisions..

Stupid waywards..





Interesting choice of words.. your analysis is verbatum the first sentance that came out of SIL's mouth when she found out WW had decided on divorce..



I've given this a little thought in the last few months.. and particularly last night after DS went home.. I half way wonder if they just might be the type of people who -need- conflict in their lives.. they're afraid of contentment... to them it doesn't feel like a challenge. Seemed that while we were struggling WW and I had plenty to pull together and pull through.. once the house started to get settled down and contentment settled in.. I started getting stories about how this person or that person at the law office was more or less out to get her..


I pretty much took the opportunity in hopes I'd at least get to give DSD a hug and tell her I love her.. but alas..


Yup.. I have a wallet sized picture right here at work, right next to a beautiful picture taken 3 years ago of DS, DSD, and DD.



Thanks SL

I know I have some great kids.. and I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am now without my Mom and my Brother.. I've got a lot to be thankful for.. it's easy to dwell on the negative, but it solves nothing.. I'm just trying to live the best life that I can..

Well.. another work day.. and then tomorrow I get to go be a rock star.. opening the main stage of a huge weekend long festival in Indy, and rubbing elbows with lots of old friends and industry people.. should be fun, I haven't done one of these festivals in almost 6 years, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Going to be a good weekend.. James -should- come back happy, less stressed, and ready to tackle another week!

Hi James,


It still ASTOUNDS me how you and I walk such similar tracks only from the opposite gender part. As I read your story I realize the same feelings thoughts are prevelant for me.

WH gets to be OW white knight. Just like he wanted to be mine and I wanted that. The sad truth is it wasn't his job nor did he do a really good job of it so I being the survivor took over and became independent and the rest, well is history.

I haven't read the other pieces to your story. I miss you dude, I miss your strength and hearing from you because I know that we seem to go through the pain as well as acceptance almost at the same times. How weird is that.

As time goes on, we are lucky to have these moments of clarity, I believe it's G-d helping us heal.

You are such an amazing guy and you teach me so much.

thank you

Wild,

This hit home as well. WH and I were finally at the point in our life where we were the happiest, we had walked through the toughest times and we were truly communicating. We were struggling the most financially but we were on the same page. It just makes you give a little more credence to it's THEIR problem and not US. Even though we are the collateral damage they inflicted on.

James,

You have to believe and understand how loved and admired you are on there and of course everyone of us who care for you would take the time to hear what is happening in your thoughts and feelings. I can't remember who said it, but I apologize, we are here for each other to walk through the bad and the good and cheer each other on as we move forward in lives that have drastically changed from the way we planned them.

I'm glad your son wasn't too sick. It is always hard when are kids are hurting, especially when we can be there to fix it for them.

Now I might have weighed 327, but I can tell you I NEVER could be described as this, but I can ASSURE you this is what OW is like everyday. :RollieEyes:

Addicts and people who aren't happy in their own lives create chaos to stop from feeling or dealing with THEIR OWN problems. And then there are people like my H who was self-destructive and actually always has been. He just took it to the extreme, b/c I stopped playing the game and that was MY MISTAKE. As long as I kept the game up, we were good. He was in control.

My friend, you continue to process and move the way G-d needs you to. It's the worst traveled road I can think of, but we are forced to and you continue to rise to the occasion and make G-d and all of us proud and honored to know you.

Have an awesome weekend and go be that rock star that you enjoy so much.

Thanks Queenie.. I really am sorry that I haven't been over to your thread much lately.. you're getting such wonderful advice from Mimi and others that I've just been kind of reading and absorbing. I know we walk some pretty similar paths.. who here as a BS doesn't?.. but please know that I do still lurk and am paying attention.


Always seems like I'm complaining about something or other when I post.. I'm going to try to get away from that.. but today I'm dealing with a lot of dissapointment.

The show this weekend was a complete mess.. what should have been a wonderful event for the fans and the bands turned into chaos and confusion.. the whole chain of command for the people in charge completely crumbled.. It wasn't entirely their fault.. Indiana is a pretty conservative state and definitely threw a huge wrench into the works at the last minute.. so what show that did go on was a result of a monumental effort.. so I'll give the promoter and his people their due.. I just wish that decisions had been made sooner and communicated to the fans and bands in an effective manner.. it ended up being just a lot of confusion.


Was out among friends this weekend though.. and had opportunities I'm ashamed to admit that I strongly considered taking up. I think though that God was truly directing my steps, as I've received more 'coincidences' that indicate that I'm still expected to stand and wait.. and just be patient and let God do His work... the Almighty sure does take His time though, and while patience has never been my strong suit.. I think I've done a pretty good job.. just hope something happens soon as it's wearing pretty thin... I've just been so dang lonely lately.. and bored.. that's never a good combination.

My thoughts have increasingly turned towards the dating world post-divorce.. frankly I'm scared as he11 of it..

Bugsy will probably kill me for saying this but I've been 'lurking' on a local dating website.. just kinda to see what's out there, and the truth is.. if I chose it.. there seem to be some really nice women out there.. whoda thunk it.. gives me a little hope.. but I still have those nagging thoughts of whether or not I'm even desirable to any women of quality given that I can't even hang on to someone so low class as my WW.. *sigh* there's that negative thinking again.. and what if I make a huge mistake and end up right back here again.. I honestly don't know if I'd be able to survive this a second time.. it just hurts too effin much.

Been missing DS quite a lot.. 2nd weekend in a row without him and that really bums me out. Had to swap weekends.. not because of the show, that I could have swung with DS (DD was there afterall).. I'm glad he missed that debacle though.. but the stupidity of it is that my son has to go 2 weeks, only seening me for 4 hours at a stretch on Wednesdays so that he can go to his best friend's birthday party next weekend.. I asked for the extra time last year and was completely ignored.. what else was I supposed to do?

DS seems like he's over his illness.. still the occasional cough but he sounds better on the phone. I hate that he seems so down whenever he's on the phone with me.. and I really don't know how to help him here.. I know he doesn't like having to have a relationship with me or his mom (on the days he's with me) via telephone.. it's not what he wants.. it's not what I want.. and WW.. well.. I really don't think she cares about anything but herself and what she can get out of me..

*sigh*

I can feel the depression sinking in again.. and I'm not sure exactly why.. might have just been the dissapointing weekend.. but to make matters worse I just didn't 'feel like' cleaning house this weekend.. doing laundry.. and with DD's afterschool activities every night this week.. I gotta wonder if I'm going to have the energy.. physical or otherwise.. to do it. It needs to be done though.. just going to have to force myself.. I know I'll feel better after it's all done.. just one less thing to weigh on my mind.. but I half way wonder if I don't -want- to feel better.. if it's just easier to be miserable..

sorry.. just streaming thoughts here.. need to get it out somewhere, and this tends to be pretty cathartic for me.. plus I want to be totally honest about how I feel for anyone who may find themselves wading through the debacle that has been my life the last year.

Sure.. I'm doing better.. getting mentally healthy right.. everyone seems to say I'm taking the right approach these days... but the simple truth is.. even personal recovery sucks sometimes..

Hi James,

Sorry for the dissappointing weekend... you did sound like you were counting on it a bit to uplift your spirits... instead, it seems to have turned out to be the opposite!....what a bummer! :RollieEyes:


....check out my signature line, James.... it makes me feel 'entitled' to say...MORE than just sometimes!

Hang in there buddy (whether you do the laundry...or NOT!)

...and yeah....it's pretty NORMAL to be TEMPTED, James.....just our TAKER's way of letting us to know that NEEDS are not being met....and YEAH...we are AWARE....we are just choosing to NOT do anything about it...(...could please someone remind again WHY exactly? :crosseyedcrazy:...just kidding....LOL!)

JAMES

Yeah.. it was pretty depressing. The promoter is talking about a makeup date, so we'll see.. may not be a total loss. I actually feel for the guy, he's pretty much out his retirement as a result of this bad deal.. we'll see.


The laundry is in process.. oddly enough getting it, and the dishes and the kitchen cleaned up tonight has done great things for my mood.. whoda thunk.

Guess it's better than having to clean the bathrooms like DSD and DS were reported to be doing tonight.. don't get me started.




I think you've nailed it here luna.. the TAKER has been screaming at me lately.. something in me knows I deserve to be happy.. and yet I can't bring myself to sink to that level. Just one more sacrifice I've made to remain hopeful of holding my family together.

You'd think she'd be in a hurry to get this overwith.. I'm sure her idleness means something but I'm not going to spend my time contemplating it.. I've got my life to lead.

I kinda feel like I'm just waiting out the inevitable end of the A.. I almost feel like it has to end before I can 'move on'.. with or without WW..

I'm not sure what that says about me.. or exactly why I feel that way..

I had a WW dream Saturday night.. in it, WB was gone.. I was her confidant again suddenly.. and there was a kiss... *sigh* something so simple.. something I always took for granted... I think I'm still chasing the kiss... and no.. I don't know why other than it seems like that's what I'm meant to do right now.

No movement for a few weeks on the D front.. not sure what the holdup is.. I'm prepared and ready... and trusting that God is leading me in the right direction.

Just trying to remain optimistic I suppose..

James,

Just popping in to say hi! And to let you know that I understand how you are feeling.

Wanting/needing to have 'needs' met,,,,,,,,,,knowing that we deserve them to be met,,,,,knowing we are 'worthy', ,,,,but yet not completely ready to let go. Continuing to stand for the marriage/commitment we made.

It's that small still voice inside that reminds us that there is a tiny thread which is still connecting us to the WS. There's a desire to cut that thread, but when we look around to find the scissors, we find that we are unable to pick them up to make the cut.


And that is just what you should be doing. It's not easy, but it's what we know is best for us in the long run.

James

Wow,

What is it about us all the goes through similar stuff at the same time.

I understand this too. You have amazing strength.

Are you kidding me. Only a wacked out stupid woman wouldn't see what kind of a man you are. You'll be swept up when the time is right and G-ds plan is coming to fruition. You have so many blessings in life ahead of you.

You have taken the high ground and I personally admire you and respect you so much for that.



Its hard to keep coming on these board for us because we see the successes and marriages being restored and yet ours just are still so GONE and no human decency showing.

All we have is G-d, our trust in him to get us through there and the fact that we are NOT alone, there are many on here to care about you and believe in your ability to come out whole in G-ds time.

Which is SO SLOW.... I think I am going to order a speed up, please. LOL

James, just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, too. I don't have much to add that the others haven't covered.



I second this.

Hang in there and , Jamesus.

Fox

Thanks ladies.. can't tell you all how glad I am to have some understanding shoulders out there when every voice in my ear lately has the whole 'what are you waiting for' tone to it..

It's just not that easy for me.. I can't just flip a switch and sever my promises.. my vow..

Fidelity was not the only vow I took to my wife and to God.. and that part seems to be the most difficult for many people around me to understand and accept.. that maybe just maybe.. this is the bad times.. the sickness.. the worse.. the poorer.. all wrapped up at once.

The question then becomes.. how do you go about loving someone who has done this to you and your family.. your children.. how do you honor and cherish them when they've completely dishonored you, themselves, and act as if they despise you..

Well.. you set them free.. let them go and fall on their own.. and you watch as they act as the prodigal son.. spoiling and wasting their riches in the far country.. they have to envy the pigs with the slop in the troughs for a while.. sleep in the crap they shovel all day before knowing as Hosea's wife did.. that they were better off before..

Maybe I'm just being hopeful.. and re-entering the cycle that caused me so much grief.. the brief escape from it was refreshing but the person I saw in the mirror was becoming someone I didn't know if I could respect.. so I need to wait.. pin my hopes on God, and believe that whatever the outcome.. it is what is meant.


In the confrontation between the river and the rock, the river always wins.. not through strength, but by perseverance. - Sun Tsu

and that, James, is the bottom line.

If you can't respect yourself, who will?

You are doing well, this is a life altering experience. You will stumble here and there.....and then you will catch yourself and take the road that is right for you.

Fox

Even as a Christian, I never subscribed to this line of thinking. Free will negates the "what is meant to be" thinking in my opinion. Your wife certainly is not acting in a fashion that would allow things to ever be as they were "meant to be."
Her actions are purely evil...and the thing is...when a person continues over a prolonged period of time to act in an evil fashion...they themselves become evil....and God weeps.

The best way for you to honor God is to go on and have a wonderful life...it will also be the best thing you could ever do for your child. I even believe with all of my heart that if you could gain full custody that your child would be better off if your wife never attempts to come back. I think teaching our children to accept back into our lives someone that has abused us, over and over again, is not a great lesson. We teach them by example that abuse should be endured.

IMHO, liars, cheaters, abusers...etc, should be given a second and maybe a third chance...but at some point, they should be considered a poison to be avoided at all costs.