This is just an update to (don't know if there is any hope, and I think we made progress). <P>This evening I went to see W since I knew the kids were gone(shes going out). I went there to talk to her about us. ( 2 more days till D) Only because tings went so well the other night. Well she finally said that she has listen to everything I said and she is still going through with the D. I still tried to talk about it even after she said that. Then she says that I make her feel terrible. I dont want her to feel sorry for me, I just want her to listen and consider this.<P>Befor I letf one of her male friends called and I sat trough all af the laughing she was doing( we have been sepreated for nine months so I know ahe has met other men ). it hurt but I took it cause I was not done talking to her. Any way as I was leaving we hugged first time Since I've have been talking to her about this. also first time in a few months. I think I'm at a dead end because she has already got new friend and a new life<P><BR>thanks<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 17, 1999).]

ah brownphd,<P>I'm so sorry... I don't have more to offer at this point except that I can understand your pain and confusion and the feeling of her life speeding right by you.<P>Hopefully, you will get some advice about what to do next... <P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

about the plan A plan B thing how long do you Plan A berfor doing the next. I like being loving to her and visiting with her and the kids. It seems it would bee kinda hard to plan B with kids involved.<P>Would it be a good Idea to not go see them every thrus. and fri., and only have contact on the weekends when I have my kids? Or would that just make her think I have given up also?<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 16, 1999).]

Something wierd happenrd last night. After she told me were she was going last night. She told me that I know I will se you out there. We have been going to this event for the past ten years together. She said she was going out there by herself, I said to her "would you like a friend to go with you" she said know cause she would feel akward, cause we are fixing to be divorced. We always see a lot of our friends there. I told her that I probably would not go, and if I did and saw her there she owes me a dance( in a joking way ).<P>Any way, She called me about midnight last night. I dont know why. She asked if I was asleep, I was , but told her i wasn't. Then she just talked to me for a minute about how she did niot see any body we knew. She said " I guess they are all married and have kids ". She was leaving to go home and I told her to stay on the phone with me till she found her car. I also asked her if she needed to talk or somthing, or if she wanted to go get breakfast or coffee. She said dont you have to work I told her it didn't matter. She said no and that she was going home. <P>I dont really know what to make of the phone call. Was she calling to see if I had gone or not? or just decided to call at midnight to say were is everybody these days? I dont know. Has anybody have a clue<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR>

I don't know where everyone else is on this one, but I'll tell you what I think...<P>She called because she was lonely and afraid. Her pride is keeping her from running to you. That's what it sounds like to me. You did the right thing asking if she needed to talk or to go to breakfast. Keep giving her reassurance that you care, are her friend, and love her. You're doing great. <P>I HOPE someone who is in your shoes comes aboard to offer advice. I'm not exactly the best person to do this for you, since I have been a betrayer - although I have been betrayed and understand the hurt and anger there too.<P>Best wishes to you!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

new_beggining,

I'm with NB on this one. She was reaching out - for whatever reason. And you were there. Good for you.<P>I'm not an expert or a success story, but I'd say there might be a glimmer. <P>I'm a definite proponent of Plan A, but I do understand that there are times when B is the thing to do. Follow your instincts. Or maybe one of our wiser members can give you some advice.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori

new_beginnig, I also think your right, about her pride holding her back. At times she seems to like what is happening and at others says everything that has happened she should't let happen and is a mistake.<P> Someone told me that bye me going to her house to visit her and the kids every thrus., and sun. Doing things for her like helping around the house, bathing, and feeding the kids (one 3 and the other 3months ). I dont really give her anything to miss. I guess its like she has her cake and is eating it also. She has a man that is like a husband still, yet she is single abd does what she wants after I'm gone. Do yall think after tonite that I should stop doing this. or continue on to prove That I'm sincerly trying to help our situation.<P>THANKS<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><BR>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 17, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 17, 1999).]

I say to do either - <P>Plan A: show her unconditional love with no love busters (which by the way, it sounds like you're doing) but DON'T GO OVERBOARD by cleaning HER house or anything. <P>OR<P>Plan B: Cut her off, no contact until the affair ends.<P>If you want my advice, I'd talk to her about it. Say that you've been going out of your way to be there for her, that you love her and the children, that you want your marriage to work BUT that you're tired, that your heart is breaking, and that you need her input. Is she willing to end this with the OM? I say that since things have gotten to the divorce stage, you need to know where you are exactly. I say that if she gets defensive and refuses to stop the affair, then it's time to go to Plan B. But the thing is, plan A can last for years and years if you want it to. Just don't let the premise of loving unconditionally mean that you should be a doormat. <P>Okay?? And let us know what you decide.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I didn't see where she had a an om so you don't want to Plan B her. Thats only if spouse is continuing in an affair.<P>You need to find out the reasons she decided she had to leave you and work on improving or eliminating those traits. This is what Plan A is about and I think this is where you need to stay. I don't think you spending a couple days with the kids gives her the feeling of being single.<P>I think you did the right thing in how you handled the phone call. At least she called you !<P>Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open. That is the only thing that can help your marriage.!

She had the affair before we splot up. that ended when we spilt up. At the time we both made the decision to split up. Now after the baby she lost all her weight ( back to her size before the first baby ), And now she has all theses guys asking her on dates. This is what I mean by having her cake and eating it too. She has me trying to give to her emotional need and them trying also. <P>well I'm fixin to go to her house now I'll back later to let yall know how it went.<P>THANKS for all the support, and advice<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><BR>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 17, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 17, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 18, 1999).]

Well I'm back. I called her after I logged off. I had forgotton about something she said she had to to tonight. Although she did say I could come visit them for a little while before they left.<P>When I got there she looked kind gloomy, and did not have much to say. I asked what was wrong and she said that she was just tired from the night before. ( she went to a club we used to go to after she called me )<P>I helped give the kids a bath. then they left. I told her if she needed to talk to give me a call. I have always tell her that anyway. SHe as always said ok but hasn'tcalled yet with called with a problem, but thats ok she may need me some day<P>THANKS <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 17, 1999).]

well, today it will be official. I talked to her lawyer a few minytes ago. he said that since I didnt get a lawyer we could get everything strait today. She called him and said only thing she wanted to get strait was child support. She withdrew all of the temp injunctions, and said she was not going to fight over property. <P>She asked if i was mad. I said no. she said I'm sorry for this and what did i want hear. I told her she knew what i wanted to hear. She said if I knew things would be diffrent we would work it out. I told here that the only way for her to know is to let me show her, but she has things to work on also.<BR>Just an update. Thanks <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited October 18, 1999).]

well its done. everything is strait. <P>I was supposed to baby sit for her tommorow evening, but she cancelled her plans. She told me that I could come over any way if I wanted. This is a good thing I guess, but its hard to determine what is going through her head. I told her that her dad had my copy of "The basic concept" and for her to get it if she wants to. I dont know if she did or not.<P>THANKS<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR>

Hi Brownphd -<P>I'm sorry that today something was decided...I'm a little confused though.<BR>It's only my ignorance about all this legal mumbo-jumbo...what exactly is done? Did today finalize a divorce? Or is it just a set up of child care and custody payments, etc.?<P>I think that she is open to you....keep filling the love bank - it's working!!<P>Go over there and be loving, honest and fun.....don't push - just let her lead!!<P>Things are not done here...not by a longshot!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

The divorce is not finnal yet. I dont under stand this stuff either. This just set up temp. orders It will be final in about 30 days. Not pushing is a hard thing to do. you know its like I would like an answer now. I havent stoped treating the way she wants but I'm trying not to talk about us working this out. I guess thats what your saying.<P>Thanks for responding yall make thing make so much sense<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<BR>