Mark's on a ROLL!!!!!

About the presidential race joke.....I'm totally at a loss as to what to do......I may vote for a woman who works in my office. Hey, for that matter, I'm qualified. If elected, I'll serve.

Thank you...

Thank you...

Don't forget to tip your waitress.



Cinders,

I'll vote for ya.

My father used to say that the only guy that actually deserved to be president of the United States was the one they had to drag kicking and screaming down Pennsylvania Avenue and lock in the White House for 4 years...





Which reminds me of something I once read...


The Three Ages of Man:

"My Daddy says..."

"He's just my Old Man. What the he// does he know?"

and

"My father always used to say..."

Abe and Josh were lifelong business partners. After 50 years of running their company they got a really good offer and decided to sell it and retire.

They planned a cruise with their wives for that winter in the Caribbean but alas they both lost their wives before the cruise took place. Josh's wife died in a crash on her way back from the hairdresser's and Abe's wife died as the result of a stroke that left her comatose for nearly three months.

Brokenhearted and with no one left but each other, they decided to take the cruise together.

As it happened, there was a tremendous storm that came up that winter and the ship was being tossed and nearly swamped by the waves. Suddenly a huge wave hit the ship broadside and it rolled over and headed for the bottom, groaning as if in disbelief.

Josh and Abe both were able to get over the rail just as the wave hit since they were both seasick and had been hanging over the side when it struck.

Josh found a suitcase drifting in the water and grabbed onto it. He began searching for his lifelong friend in the water and finally after several panic filled minutes saw his friend Abe thrashing about in the waves several yards away just before he vanished over the crest of the next wave.

With the sun going down and the storm still raging he called out, "Abe! Abe my old friend. Can you float alone?"

From out of the gale came a familiar voice, "I'm drowning here <cough cough> and you're trying to do business?"

Badump-bump...

:crosseyedcrazy:

If it ain't funny, I must not be looking at it right...

Mark

Do you realize that if all of us here pooled our credit we could do something really great, like ...

We could start our own state or maybe even country...

We could put folks to work on a big public works project...

We could build a bridge over the Mississippi River...

Lenghtwise...

And we could charge a toll for people to use it.

We could hire the in-laws to work the toll booths.

It's not like they have anything better to do...

We would raise so much money that we could buy MasterCard and Visa...

And then I could tear up my bills!

(Second half of the credit card routine from a couple days agao)

Two guys got into an altercation at the construction site.

They started by yelling and calling each other names and making references to each others mother's species.

Soon enough they came to blows and that is when the foreman stepped in and pulled them apart.

"What are you guys doing?" He shouted. You aren't proving anything with this kind of behavior. If you want to prove which of you is the better man then have some kind of competition or something."

"Like what?" one of the pugilists asked.

"Like...I don't know. See who can...Throw something the farther than the other guy."

"Throw what?" asked the other moron.

"Heck, I don't know..."the boss looked around. "We've got all these bricks, see who can throw a brick the farthest."

Soon the rest of the crew had gathered around and were placing bets on who would be able to win this competition.

The first guy walked over to the pile of bricks and looked several of them over, weighing them in his hand, searching for just the right one. He stepped up to the line and let it fly. It went about 50 yards and landed with a cloud of dust.

The second guy, about 100 pounds lighter than the first stepped up for his turn. He walked to the pile and selected a brown brick from the top of the pile. He stepped to the line, wound up and hurled the brick high into the air.

Up, up up went the brick. It went so high it disappeared from sight.

Everyone waited for it to return and it never did.

Back in the days when smoking was allowed on commercial aircraft, a little old lady with a parakeet in a small cage that she held in her lap was seated next to a guy smoking a cigar.

"Would you please put that out?" she asked politely.

"Why don't you put that bird out?" said the guy in a huff.

"That nasty cigar is bothering my birdie, "she said more emphatically.

"I frankly don't care about your bird, "he said.

"What seems to be the trouble here?" asked the flight attendant.

"Make him put that nasty old cigar out," said the little old lady.

"Tell her to ditch the bird, " said the man. "that stupid thing is making all this noise 'Tweet, tweet, tweet...How's a guy supposed to enjoy his flight with all that going on.

Finally the captain heard the commotion and came out of the cabin. "What seems to be the trouble here?" he asked.

"He won't put out his cigar and I asked him nicely," said the woman.

"Why does she even get to have a bird on a plane?" asked the man. "Why don't you make her put that thing back in the baggage compartment or something."

The captain knowing that this was going to be a really long flight tried to find someone to trade seats with one of the two but their were no takers. Running out of options and not wanting to return to his place of origin to let the authorities deal with it, he made a decision.

"That's it!" he interrupted the latest round of debate. "The cigar and the bird have to BOTH go."

He led the parties to the head and opened the door. The captain waited while the woman kissed her bird on the beak and said with a tear in her eye, "Goodbye my little birdie." The pilot placed the bird into the john and hit the lever.

There was a loud rush as the bird was ejected from the plane.

"Now the cigar and any more of them you have with you," the captain told the guy. Removing his case from his jacket the man threw them all into the john and the captain pulled the handle as the man said, "Stupid bird!"

2200 miles later they landed in silence and as the plane taxied toward the terminal the woman looked out the window and shouted, "LOOK! MY BIRDIE!

Everyone looked out the window and saw the bird walking beside the plane.

And in his mouth was...



Nope...







A brown brick!

Do I need to spell my name for you?


Hmmmm, I had somehting witty to say buit I fortop waht it was. that galass ofwine wnet to my head.

I have to go now - time to clean house......

It's 1:30 in the am and I am falling out of bed laughing!

Love sick humor!!!!

I hope no one is offended by this one, 'cause it totally cracks me up.

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY

Question: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve
the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four to store several cases of bulbs in case of shortage someday.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish :
What’s a light bulb?

How many Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?

















CHANGE?!?!

Krazy - that is only part of the reason the Baptists have trouble dealing with the light bulb - - - the other part is because darkness indicates a lack of 'walking in the light'....so, they may not acknowledge the darkness....


John 8:12 (Contemporary English Version)

12Once again Jesus spoke to the people. This time he said, "I am the light for the world! Follow me, and you won't be walking in the dark. You will have the light that gives life."

I need everyone to know that this was NOT my husband ... no witnesses so there. :RollieEyes: :twobyfour:


A bloke just recently back from a tour in Afghanistan has been visiting the various pubs with his mates. One night he comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad ... Nail Ale sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife ... who is scowling ... figuring he's been out been living the life of Riley..... chatting up topless barmaids ,,, generally being pissed as a newt.

"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new pub," he says. "The Golden Swan. Everything there is golden."

"[censored]! There's no such place!"

Hubby says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Swan. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Swan?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes, it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Boss, I think I got a lead on the fella who pissed in your saxophone!"

Here's one for you .......

The federal government thinks it should prop up all these corporations by borrowing $700,000,000 from me!!!

Yep, dey leavin' a BIG bill on da way out, ain't it?

Ah, jes' put is oan da tayub, nex' guy'll take care of it!

Okay, I got one! My apologies if it's already been posted, I didn't look back at all the other pages I missed yet.

Anyway, here itiz:

the funniest blonde joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home


All I know is, "Thank God I'm a bottle blonde!!" (sing that to the tune of: "Thank God I'm a country boy!" And I do have those bottle blonde lyrics written down somewhere...gotta find 'em, dey is kinda funneh!)

Charlotte

I almost had to post a but realized that would be OT!

Yep, no sense startin' a bonfire (or should I say bondfire?) and gettin' da tread clos-ed up!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"