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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 164
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Greetings:

This is going to be long - sorry - try to do quickly. I'm a newbie here. Married 6 1/2 years, second marriage for both of us. H is alcoholic previously in recovery who began drinking again off and on last summer and refused to go into treatment. I've traveled 2-3X/month for past 2 years for business and did not focus on marriage enough (at all; put it on autopilot with some exceptions; also felt increasingly distanced by drinking and then later by affair (although I didn't know about the latter) - efforts to get together or be intimate seemed to fall flat. To top it all off, I was suffering from depression for a good bit of the past 18 months (on antidepressants since April; they're working well - but our sex life was extremely rare during that time - improved alot in June and July, prior to and a bit after DDay.) Our agreed-upon plan was for travel to end Jan. 09. Company positioned for huge increase in revenue beginning this Nov. (all part of the plan).

Lonely H began drinking more last Fall - started EA w/co-worker in Nov last year, became PA in January, OWS called me in July. WS agreed to marriage counseling but terminated after 4 sessions admitting he had not followed through on NC. Told me he wants a divorce on Sept. 1. At the same time, we took emergency custody of our 20-month old grandchild in late July, which I agreed to do despite everything going on for the sake of the baby. Still doing that. I understand all that made him vulnerable to the affair and have accepted responsibility for that with him and in front of a therapist.

I cried for first 8 weeks - little sleep, weight loss, etc. Did the usual - promised to change (and worked with all my clients to reduce travel demands - which were already tapering down per plan), pleaded, cried more, anger, emotional rollercoaster, behavioral changes, etc. Asked him to file for divorce, then saw an attorney myself and recanted, saying I would file - have since recanted on that, too. I'm sure that all of my indecision/changing decisions have pushed him further away - understandably.

Righted myself emotionally after beginning 12 Step program 3 weeks ago. Found Marriage Builders at about the same time and started reading the books and this forum. Have had Plan A underway for about 2 1/2 weeks. I have since taken divorce and moving off the table in a letter where I explained that I remain committed to the marriage both out of love for the family and on principle. I told him I was going to wait an indeterminate time before doing anything. I also asked him to stop seeing OW. His response was "I'm not going to change my mind" after which he pressed me for a date when I would pack up my car and leave. (I indicated that I was taking one day at a time, was not ready to leave the marriage (and have put my wedding rings back on after not wearing them for 2 weeks) and that I'd let him know when/if I change my mind.

My husband continues to withdraw. I've done pretty well with Plan A with one notable exception this past weekend, when I found out he had used the company cell phone (provided to him as a board member but paid for by me) to conduct his affair - not just used but abused the phone privilege - I sent him a coldly worded email advising him that he would be billed for those month and lecturing him on ethics. I regretted it two hours later. Last night he attacked me over the phone for having gone into his checking account to e-transfer money to one daughter, who had emailed telling me she had no money for gas - he is away on biz travel and I had assumed she couldn't reach him. I responded in an email where I calmly said I understood and would honor the boundary and explaining the circumstances.

I have several things in the Plan A plan - working on the house, which has been an important emotional need of his, giving him a professional photo collage (that has been in work) relating to his best friend, now deceased, listening, inviting him to share and supporting when he does engage in conversation, continuing to be pleasant and upbeat, and also doing more of my own thing. I have an appointment to speak w/Steve H. next Monday. Also, I am continuing to assume the majority of the workshare of raising the granddaughter, although he has become much more involved in the past 3 weeks.

Husband continues to "suggest" (and definitely assumes) that I leave the home and go to live near business (in another state) with a friend who has been my roomate while I am on travel. Says I can get my furniture (about 70% of what is in the house) once divorce goes through. I have no ability to get an apartment on my own, and the house is in both our names so am disinclined to leave at this time, despite having said that I would for the first 8 weeks after DDay.

WS is still seeing OW (of course) - both at work and after work. He told his 4 children (all between 20 and 26) that he wanted a divorce but did not tell them why. Turns out that he had brought OW to the house for dinner several times during the summer with 2 of the 4 children and they had figured it out. The two girls are very upset and disappointed with him; one has told him so. One of them told me 2 weeks ago and so I disclosd to the rest. He called his parents to disclose; they are very angry and disappointed and have told him so (although not very constructively). My parents are not in the picture. He expressed concern and pain 2 weeks ago that he had hurt so many people "who will love me now?" - but since then has hardened his position.

I disclosed to her boss at work and others have disclosed to his, but there is no company policy prohibiting the behavior. He has very few friends so difficult to widen the disclosure circle. Obviously, her spouse knew because he called me.

Here's the question. I understand that both Plan A and B are really more about me - changes that are healthy and necessary. I also understand Plan A is designed to leave WS with good memories/perceptions so that if/when it fails, Plan B is so much more a contrast to the previous nature of the relationship.

But if WS continues to withdraw and put up walls, won't really talk about anything meaningful (although he does still talk about work, which I listen to and am warmly supportive of), isn't he in effect reducing the possible impact of Plan A with more and more distance? I suspectI need a good 2-3 months of Plan A to overcome all of my indecision/emotionality etc. - but this would include the holidays and I can't imagine how to do that...

I realize every case is a little different - although most of them seem alot alike ;-) - are there vets out there with any sense of how long Plan A should go on under these circumstances? It is also complicated by the fact that when I do leave for Plan B, I'll be going to another state (don't worry, attorney will be in the loop to protect rights). Right now I'm thinking of keeping Plan A going for another 6-7 weeks - will talk with S. Harvey to nail down details but just curious about your impressions - thanks much, and thanks for reading such a long post.


Me - BW/BS Age: 56 Married 7 1/2 years Divorced Jan 2010
EA began '07 PA began Jan '08
Found out July 2008 Found MB September
Plan A 09/03/2008
I filed D 10/31/2008
Dark Plan B began 11/09/2008
Emerged from Plan B 11/15/2009
Court date (final) scheduled for 12/16/2009
Divorce Final January 2010
Plan B recommenced upon Divorce

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 6
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The best advice I ever got was to decided on your path and stick to it irregardless of what they say and do. The reason for sticking to your decision is it's the right thing to do. If you do Plan A in the hopes of getting a positive reaction, that is manipulation and they will see it, but if you do Plan A soley because it is healthy for you, for your kids to observe and good for your relationship. Many times Plan A is so disturbing and counter to impulsive behavior that the WS will say and do anything to through you off tract. If you are unphased and not doing Plan A to get a reaction (any reaction) then it doesn't matter what they say or do. Also Plan A shouldn't be a temporary action. I personally have some conflict with "do plan A then go to plan b" because it says I am only doing this to get you back, when it should be to show them the kind of life you are promising for the rest of the marraige. No on wants to come back to a marriage if they think it is only going to regress back to where it was before this all happened. I also believe that positive behavior isn't just toward your spouse, it should engulf your entire life because if you are only kind to your spouse and then nasty to the store clerk or the waitress or the person who wants to cut you off in traffic then aren't truely being a "good and positive" person. There is a reason why the world is in the situation it is. One person can cause a change.

Best of luck

Joined: Dec 1969
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I don't even know how to start this, so I guess the beginning is best.
10 years ago my husband had an affair at his store and told me he didn't love me, hadn't in years wasn't happy ect...
He moved out and I found out about his affair because we both worked for Safeway and everyone in his store knew so it finally got back to me.
He was gone for 4 days and then came home begging me to let him have his life back. He said it was like he was watching a movie about someone elses life and he thought he could just walk out of the movie and have his life back.
It took 6 months of pain before we got on track again and then I swear our marriage was better than ever.
We were closer than ever before and really happy.
He did end up getting fired from his job and has since gone through 4 companies until a year ago when he found Bed bath and beyond and was really happy with his job again.
I have actually told people that the pain of his affair was worth how much better our marriage became.
Skip till now, I thought we were happy and last night I came home from work saw the light on the answering machine and hit play. It was an apartment manager confirmng his new apartment,
I was shocked, stunned I called his at work and told him about it and he said he was sorry, he is not happy, feels like life is passing him by and he wants a new life without me and our kids.
Our kids are 15, 20 nd 22 and he says he stayed home to raise them, loves me, but needs a new life.
He move out last night.
He called and said he had been cryinbg, but knows he is doing the right thing, sorry but I am never coming home.
He works an hour from my home and there is no way to tell if he is having an affair, he is gone.
I am so lost help me please.
How can I expose an affair if I don't know there is one

Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 125
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Hmmmmm ..... That's a tricky question.

You can't really expose an affair if you're not sure there is one but one thing that occurs to me that you could do is to tell the story from your perspective to neighbours, family and friends. You could tell the story as you've written it here. Your neighbours, family, friends and community will see him and will have already heard your side of the story. They may be able to talk to him about what he's done.

Is he under pressure at work?
Could he be ill?
Is he in good psychological health?

The reason for the questions is that it seems out of character somewhat to just up and leave the way he has. Is it possible he's ill?

All the best.

Joined: Jan 2009
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I know you might want him back but, he has left twice now i think its time for you to move on. dont worry if he has been with someone else, right now focus on your life and your happiness.

Joined: Oct 2007
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Hey RR and Mrs. TRT,

BrownEyes has been posting in GQII as of late. She is having a lot of trouble coping and we are trying to get her to eat and protect herself. I just wanted to let you guys know. I'm not sure if she's checking this post anymore or not.

Charlotte


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