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I'm new here, and have been reading posts, and need to get this off my chest. I am currently married for the past 16 yrs, together for 20 with 3 children, 12, 10, +7. I had been having an affair with a coworker. Started as friendship texting, playful flirting,but became more frequent, more talking. No sex, but kissing and touching. We had never met outside of work, but discussed it and had actually picked a date. This lasted about 6wks. His wife found a text and it's over. I know what I did was wrong, and I'm working on why I did this. Even during our exchanges, I knew it was wrong. It was almost surreal. Other people cheat on their spouses, not me. But I did. My coworkers wife eventually called my husband and told of the frequent texts and phone calls. Well, I thought my marriage was over, My husband has forgiven me,and we are working through the pain. I am sorry for what I did to my husband. I am honest with him when he has questions. We are planning to go to counseling, each on our own, and then together. I am trying to work on my marriage. He told me I need to find out what I want and he will wait for me. I want this marriage, but feel I have "fallen out of love". Don't know how to get that back. We are trying to plan more time together just us, but it always turns into fighting about said affair. I am also having trouble letting go of my memories of my coworker. I think of the things he said to me, how it felt when he touched me, and am sad that it was that easy for him to just end it. I have read that this is normal, and want my marriage to work as well as his, but don't know how to move past this. I still work with this man, although only see him for short periods once a week or so. I am afraid I cannot focus on my husband and my marriage if I cannot let go of the memories of my coworker. When I was with him, I felt young, alive, desirable. With my husband, I feel like a mom and a wife.....
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I still work with this man, although only see him for short periods once a week or so. I am afraid I cannot focus on my husband and my marriage if I cannot let go of the memories of my coworker. MUM, the reason you cannot focus on your marriage is because you are still in contact with the OM. This will make recovery impossible because you will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal. You will be triggered every time you see him and your H will be triggered every day you leave to go to work. So, if you want to recover your marriage and have a GREAT marriage, you first have to leave the job and end all contact. Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2 How Should Affairs End? Never see or communicate with a former lover Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage. The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay. Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through he11. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure. <snip> We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation. Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS p. 177 ...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them. I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists... Lifechoice post on THE AFFAIR ADDICTION http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048341&fpart=1 Quote: He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. I can certainly attest to this. My situation is a prime example of what not to do. I kept myself stuck in withdrawal for over 2 years because I continued to work with my FOM. In these 2 years I had no desire to get back into the A, I just couldn't break free of my addiction. After I ended the A I learned about the addiction part of it and agreed it was a huge part of it. The scary part of the addiction is during the 2 years FOM and I worked together I didn't even realize how much I was still addicted to him. We did our best to remain professional, but the addiction was still there and kept me very stuck. I couldn't get over certain aspects of the A, but couldn't figure out why. (duh). I thought I had a good handle on it, but in all reality I didn't. It wasn't until after FOM left our employer and moved out of town that I finally could get through withdrawal. I should also add it was this bad for me and I only worked about 6 days a month. I can only imagine it would be much worse for someone who works with the AP on a full-time basis. Now every time I read where AP's are still working together I just cringe. I wasted 2 years of my time in withdrawal and at the same time for one of the years trying to rebuild my marriage. Talk about a lot of mental anguish and conflict. My advice to everyone from a BTDT POV, a WS needs to get as far away from the AP as they can. LC
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Get another job. It is not fair to your H that you continue contact with OM in anyway even if it's 5 min/wk. If you want to recover your M, commit and end all contact. Your "feelings" for OM will fade eventually but seeing OM is going to keep the fantasy alive in your head so don't go there.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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We are planning to go to counseling, each on our own, and then together. I am trying to work on my marriage. He told me I need to find out what I want and he will wait for me. I want this marriage, but feel I have "fallen out of love". I would skip the individual counseling and go straight to a good marriage counselor who understands infidelity, MOST DO NOT. An IC won't be much help at all, but if you find a good MC, a RARITY, you could restore the love in your marriage. The Harleys are about the best in the business, IMO. Here is what Dr Harley says about recovery: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am also having trouble letting go of my memories of my coworker. I think of the things he said to me, how it felt when he touched me, and am sad that it was that easy for him to just end it. You do realize that all your memories of OM are lies don't you? Why do you think it was so easy for him to end it? You didn't mean anything to him! He was willing to use you and toss you away and told you nice things to try to get some action on the side. How romantic...  When you are feeling all warm and fuzzy with memories of OM, remember that.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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First of all, congratulations on finding this website and on having the fortitude to post here. You will probably get some very harsh responses from betrayed spouses who still feel the agony of being betrayed themselves. Please try to hear their messages through the hostility of their pain; they have good and important things to say if you can only hear it. If it gets to be too much, you can click on their name, go to their profile, and put them on ignore - but only do that as a last resort, because like I said they have good things to say if you can hear it.
Secondly, and you're not going to like it, but it is VERY important: You must change jobs. You may like your job, you may need the income, jobs are probably scarce in your area. It does not matter. You made a very big mistake and now you have to clean up the mess. Part of that means NEVER seeing the other man (OM).
Thirdly, you should write a No Contact (NC) letter to the OM. It should tell him that what you did was a huge mistake, that you love your husband (H) and want to work on your marriage (M). Ask him to never contact you again for any reason. Show the letter to your H and let him suggest changes. Let him be the one to mail the letter so he *knows* it's been sent.
Get rid of any memorabilia from the affair, such as notes, pictures, music CDs that make you think of him, etc. Gather them together and burn them with your H, or let your H throw them away. Decide with your H how to purge them from your lives.
How did you text OM? If via cellphone then offer to trade cell phones with your H whenever he asks. If someone calls you he can tell them to call the other phone (and vice versa). Ask your husband what other precautions can be taken to help him feel safer, and to help you earn back his trust.
I highly recommend that you purchase "Surviving an Affair" and work through the book with your H. It is available for purchase from this website, or amazon.com, and many libraries have it.
You are a VERY lucky person that your H is willing to work through this with you. He says he will wait, but he will not wait forever - in fact, he can not wait forever. He can only tolerate so much before his love for you is completely killed so you should take the above steps as soon as possible. Recovery takes a long time but OM should be purged from your life ASAP.
I want this marriage, but feel I have "fallen out of love". Don't know how to get that back.
Sadly this is very common but happily there is a proven way for you to fall back in love with your H. You are out of love because you have been allowing OM to meet your most important ENs. You have also probably been focusing on your H's faults. You have been putting your energy into thinking about OM and fantasizing about him. If you put your thoughts and efforts into your M it can be better than it ever was before. Read about ENs and LBs (links in my signature). You and your H need to eliminate your LBs, identify your top ENs, and tell each other what your top ENs are and how you like them met. Then you need to work on meeting those top ENs.
We are trying to plan more time together just us, but it always turns into fighting about said affair.
Why? Is your H asking "too many questions"? Is he asking the same ones over and over? Are you ready to leave it in the past but he keeps dwelling on it? How do the fights begin - does he accuse you or do you become defensive? Please answer these questions, as it will help us to advise you on how to have productive discussions that don't escalate into fights.
I am also having trouble letting go of my memories of my coworker.
This is normal, and will take time. You absolutely must have NC with the OM so quitting your job will help. The NC letter will help, too, as will purging memorabilia of the A. Putting precautions in place (such as switching cellphones periodically) will also help, because you can't harbor fantasies about "maybe he'll call".
Whenever you find yourself thinking about OM, stop and think of something nice about your H or do something nice for your H.
Welcome to Marriage Builders, and please do stay. The "2x4"s will be brutal, but please stick with us.
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We don't "fight" all the time, but I hate that this is what my marriage has become. The focus always comes back to the infidelity and I don't know how to move past it. It is usually me that is having trouble. I'm afraid it's always going to be there. Part of me wants my husband to be angry, yell at me. Which he did initially. I feel like I don't deserve his love and kindness, esp. not now. I have told him before he's too good for me. He says I need to stop putting him on a pedestool and consider us equals. I question marital vs. individ. counseling. As for the texting, I no longer "hide" my phone from my husband, he is free to use it whenever. We are trying to "work" on our ENs. I believe I have been focusing on his faults and then blaming them on the downfall of our relationship. Honestly I have not been putting much into our marriage at all and then blame it on him, "we don't do enough together". I put more energy into my friendships than my marriage and family. This site is helping me to realize this. I need to get over my pride and shame and focus on my husbands needs
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It would seem that it could be very difficult for you to focus on your husbands needs as long as you still work with the OM. How long has it been since the D-Day and NC? As long as the two of you work together, the memories will remain fresh in your minds and how tempting it must be to make contact with one another, right?
I believe in counseling either IC, MC or both. It is a start. As long as you're doing it for the right reasons and not just 'going through the motions'
Good Luck mum, as with most of us, we have a long hard road ahead of us :RollieEyes:
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I need to get over my pride and shame and focus on my husbands needs mum, May I make the suggestion that your BH is likely withdrawing from you due to the overwhelming SADNESS that he is likely feeling right now. From his perspective, he may very well see himself as your "consolation prize" ... that you really wanted another, but when the OM went back to his BW, you were forced to attempt reconciliaton with "option #2". I KNOW this because all of us BH's in R have experienced this feeling to some degree. As a BH, you WANT to be strong and confident, but when you dwell on the facts, it is obvious that at one point your WW preferred another to you, and it HURTS like he11. Now for your WAYWARDNESS ... this may sound harsh, but is necessary for you to view the situation clearly. You were NOTHING but a cheap fling to OM, that's why he turned his back on you and returned to his BW so easily. My WW had to come to accept the same conclusion. Just like in your situation, the OM bailed and threw WW under the bus upon discovery. While she may have developed an infatuation for him VERY quickly, just as you did with your OM, he was in it simply to "take advantage of an opportunity for a little strange" ... sorry for being so crude, but the facts simply are what they are. None of this adultery stuff is PRETTY ... just FANTASY. So ... kick yourself in the a$$ for being so STUPID and look at the REAL man in your life. The one who loves you and will stand by you even after you've gutted him like a fish. At this point, you can't tell him "I'm Sorry" enough times, and after you've apologized and apologized ... SHOW him just what he means to you. It's time for you to drop the FANTASY of OM, who by his own actions has proven to be nothing but a POS, and cling to what you nearly threw away ... the REAL man in your life that TRULY LOVES YOU!!!
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The focus always comes back to the infidelity and I don't know how to move past it. It is usually me that is having trouble. I'm afraid it's always going to be there. Typically the wayward wants to move on and it takes the betrayed quite a bit of time (and questions) to do so. The wayward has all the answers, knows the A is over, is ready to move on. The betrayed, on the other hand, is trying to wrap their brain around a huge betrayal that they thought could NEVER happen to them. They are seeking understanding, and a way to protect themselves from ever suffering this pain again in the future. The questioning serves many purposes. Consistent answers over time reassure the betrayed that the wayward is telling the truth and helps the wayward to earn back trust that has been destroyed. Questioning also helps get it all out into the open where it is not so terrifying and threatening. Repeated questioning helps desensitize the betrayed. BS will typically ask over and over and over again, much like someone who has recently experienced a great fire, earthquake, or other traumatic event will keep recounting the event. Remember after 9/11 how people talked about it non-stop? This is the same thing. It helps normalize the event and gets it to "sink in." Some things that can help you and your H: - You always answer his questions completely and truthfully. This is imperative! - Schedule a couple of times a week that for A-related talks. This allows you to relax during the other times, knowing they're "safe". - Your H can write down all the questions as they come to him. Frequently when "talk time" rolls around, the questions won't seem nearly as urgent and he will end up not asking them. I notice you didn't respond to much of what was posted to you here by others, particularly changing jobs. What are your feelings on that?
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With my husband, I feel like a mom and a wife..... WOW....what a terrible thing to feel like. Now your actions have made you unworthy of even those lofty titles too. Are you doing everything you can to earn them back...including NC. What label would you like to feel like??? EVERY WS earns labels...and they are not at all flattering. You gave away your worth to feel like a cheap teenager again. Great. And BTW, your affair was also physical..it was not an emotional affair.
Last edited by medc; 09/22/08 09:52 AM.
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The thought of changing my job scares me to death. The OM has informed me he is searching for another job, and I have been looking for options. My whole world as I have known it has turned upside down, all by my own doing. I am not ignoring posts, just taking it all in. It's like a kick in the chest to look at myself and what I did. I used to judge others for their behavior, and an affair is unacceptable. Now I am the judged, and no one can judge me any tougher than I am judging myself. I must say it hurts to hear from others that I was just a conquest to the OM. I believed there was a connection there, that we were friends first.I want to believe that just as I made a mistake, so did he and he is trying to salvage his marriage as I am. But that is neither here nor there. My focus is on my marriage and my husband, not the OM. Almost easier if there were no feelings on his end.
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Yes, I admitted I had physical contact. I don't have a problem being a mom and a wife. Had just this discussion with a friend today, being a mom and wife was one of my dreams. But during those years, I've lost my relationship with my husband. We are living parallel lives while raising our children. At first I tried to blame that on him, but I cannot honestly say it was his fault. I pulled away, and he allowed my to to make me happy. Now I miss him, and I hope we can find our way back, or our way forward.I am committed to reconnecting with him to find love and passion again with him.
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You can not dance around having NC with the OM. He needs to leave ASAP or you will. Many a OP have claimed they were leaving their job. Never with the intent to follow through. Just trying to placate everyone until things blow over. So they can try to restart affair. And, or they have a job that they could not replace with one as good or better. So they will not leave. No matter what they say.
You can not heal from the OM, or can your BH heal with him knowing that you still she the person that you were doing.
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Welcome to MB. You have already been getting great advice. I just wanted to support what you have been told about leaving your job. First I wanted to give you some hope that things can turn around and you can fall deeply in love with your H once again. My H had an approx 2-month EA with a coworker. Although we still have a ways to go, we are now working on recovery using the MB principles...and our M is stronger and happier now than it was the entire 10-plus years it was pre-A. I still work with this man, although only see him for short periods once a week or so. I am afraid I cannot focus on my husband and my marriage if I cannot let go of the memories of my coworker. Post D-day my FWH felt like we were "only friends" and he couldn't see how that could ever change. He said those things to me over and over again whenever he saw OW. What everyone said here was true...no true recovery would begin until he left his job and NC was firmly in place... He also only saw his OW about 1-2 times a week and sometimes they wouldn't be working in the same part of the building. When they weren't in contact for periods of time, we would start to make progress reconnecting...then when he saw or spoke to her, he was right back to being confused and not feeling anything for me. You see, each and every contact with your OM sets your "withdrawal" clock back to Day 1 (and contact includes working in the same building, even if you aren't seeing or speaking to each other!). After he left the job w/n a couple of weeks, he started to feel better...and w/n about two months he was completely through w/d and so very thankful that I found MB and gave him a chance to get his act together. Your H's desire to work on your M is a gift despite the fact that you disrespected him in the worst way possible...please do not squander this opportunity away by staying at your job. ps---> "When I was with him, I felt young, alive, desirable" You know these feelings were fake...fantasy...wouldn't have lasted, right? Just checkin...
Last edited by thisbitterpill1; 09/22/08 11:07 AM.
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The thought of changing my job scares me to death. Which is scarier? Changing jobs or losing your H? I must say it hurts to hear from others that I was just a conquest to the OM. I believed there was a connection there, that we were friends first.I want to believe that just as I made a mistake, so did he and he is trying to salvage his marriage as I am. I don't know if you were a conquest where OM just wanted sex from you. Whether OM's intention for the A was sex, ego stroking, or a combination of the two he wanted you for short term pleasure. You are lying to yourself if you think you were his friend either. You used OM to make yourself feel wanted and desired. That's it. You didn't care if you helped him self destruct or how your actions could hurt his family. He didn't care so why should you, right? People who screw each other over, literally and figuratively, are not friends. Almost easier if there were no feelings on his end. Whose end? OM? Not sure what you mean by this. 
Last edited by black_raven; 09/22/08 11:11 AM.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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The OM has informed me he is searching for another job, BTW, when did he inform you of this? When you two ended things or after?
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This scenario is so close to home and given my current findings, I'm SOOO ready to throw in the towel!! :twobyfour:
Bottom Line.. one has to leave IMMEDIATELY!
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Joined: Nov 2007
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When I was with him, I felt young, alive, desirable. It's that type of thinking which leads to affairs. One benefit of maturity is being able to develop a healthy perspective about what really matters. If it takes an affair for you to feel vibrant, the problem lies with you. We are either desirable or undesirable innately--not b/c someone validates that for us. Desirability comes from within and is deeper than just physical attractiveness. You’re using the excitement from your affair as a band-aid to mask an underlying problem. The underlying problem is not that passion has failed in your marriage but it does mean that you will have to look within. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater, b/c you are confused is never a good idea. The labels that you apply to yourself, mother, and wife are both incredibly good things to be--they should not detract from your desirability--if you compartmentalize yourself, though they will. You've chosen a very toxic path to solving personal issues. One of the saddest things in this life is realizing the enormity of what one has lost after it's too late. I hope you truly see that before coming to that unenviable destination.
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Joined: Sep 2008
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Junior Member
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