I agree.

You also need to explain to her just how much pain you're in, and that you need the support from others that have been through what you're going through - you aren't on here to talk about what a horrible person she is, you're here to get help, and you have a right to that.

If she's truly interested in making things work, she should be able to understand that. You have not made a mistake by coming here.

Well, if she's reading over your shoulder then let me tell her this....


If you weren't playing WoW (honestly I don't even know what that is, but it sounds childish to me)...your husband wouldn't even know this forum existed.....WAKE THE H3LL UP !!!!!!!

Yeah I think you guys are right. I will not have it deleted. Its something that I need to be able to read on occasion to get encouragement and see where I have come from.

But I do think I am going to ease up on posting for a while. Right now I know what I need to do and I need to stick with that and not be constantly 2nd guessing myself.

I am not afraid of her reading it. I am not ashamed of anything I said on here. Except maybe the spat with Introvert

Shoot, Red.

I just went over this whole thread. Your wife ABUSED your trust in her and you'v spend the whole time either DEFENDING her or pointing out how YOU were partially to blame for her infidelity.

This is clear as day. If ANYONE, with a grade school education, were to read this thread, they would ALL (100%) come up with the conclusion that YOU love your wife and will defend her EVEN when she screws up big time.

Let her read this. If she doesn't understand afterwards HOW MUCH she is CHERISHED, in spite of her faults, well, then.....its because SHE CHOOSES NOT TO.

She's looking for excuses to kick her affair up a notch. NOW, she can mess around because her husband BETRAYED her trust on the computer. Don't let her take it in that direction.

TY for the kind words. But I think my outburst the other night really set us back. Her attitude has reverted to 1 month ago.

Im now realizing it was probably the biggest LB I could have done. I really dont know what I was thinking. Other than I feel so much pressure to be the perfect husband that I cracked.

Keep praying for me.

I had hoped you turned the corner Red. I can see you have not.

You are still going to let your wife, who lies to you and seeks other mens comfort dictate how you act and feel.

You're acting like a scared girl.

How could you possibly expect her to respect a man who she can manipulate so easily.

Go read Noname's thread and see what happened when he finally stood up for himself.

Stop being a doormat.

I am not really sure what you mean.

I did expose and I still have boundaries set up for when she wants to commit.

But in the mean time I think I am still in Plan A. She is still deciding if this is what she wants. She still has no desire to be with me.

So I still need to meet her ENs so that she will want to be with me. I was just upset that I had set us back some in that respect.

Am I missing something, or doing something wrong?

BigRed,

She has no desire to be with you. If you are still sitting there dwelling on this, you are getting nowhere. My WW still doesn't want to be with me physically or emotionally. That fact kills me, but I don't show it to her anymore. Just the other day she said how she wasn't happy and what I am doing wasn't helping her be happy. I simply told her that she is free to leave, I don't need her. She didn't know what to do when I said that. Normally her comment would have hurt me and I would have pushed her to talk with me.

If you get upset every time you feel you have been set back to the beginning you will kill yourself. I used to feel just like you described. Stop doing that and just worry about yourself.

You need to stop letting it bother you when she gets upset. You are doing more damage by showing her it bothers you and then pushing her to talk about it with you.

The hardest thing I have done was standing up for myself. It scared the crap out of me. But I can tell you I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time. Stop worrying about what she is thinking and feeling and just take care of yourself.

I'm not the best one to give advice. But I can tell you that if you listen to what these people are telling you things will get better. I didn't believe it when they told me either but now I wish I had done it months ago.

A part of me is ready to take that step.

I guess I am confused on where I am at or what I am suppose to be doing at this point.

I believe there is NC but she is still in withdrawal.

Am I suppose to make ground rules for completely establishing NC at this point or give meeting her ENs more time.

She said she is willing to do MB.

I guess my question is this. When do I know when it times to say, do these things or I am done?

Bfrh, perhaps this thread might be of use to you. It's an 'oldie but goodie'. There might be some ideas you find useful.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=029805;p=1

Wishing you the very best.

I thought you said she still plays some silly childish game with the OM?

That's NC?

She plays but its not with him. She usually plays with me. Its a MMORPG so there are 1000s of people on at any one time.

Thats a great post thank you. But I think here is where my problem is

Quoted from Ark:
"Plan A is ALL about the assumption that the WS is still in the affair or in contact..."

She is not in contact. It has been 4 weeks since initial stop then 2 weeks from when she talked to him one time for about 3 sentences with me in the room. Then agreed not to when I said I wouldn't date her if she continued.

And she still seems very much in the fog. Still in withdrawal after 4 weeks from a 3 week EA?!!?!

Should I be expecting more from her?

How long do I let it sit in this phase? She seems very comfortable. I do most the housework. I have given her the bed and I make the house a very peaceful place. I plan and initiate all the fun with her and the kids.

I leave her notes and text messages, get flowers, take her on fun dates and get nothing but an occasional "thank you"

I think she is in withdrawal as far as the three states of marriage. It feels like the EA is not the issue anymore. I know it contributed to her mindset but it seems like there is much more to overcome.

So I am acting like I would as if it where plan A. Other than 1 screw up I have done a very good Plan A.

But I don't know how much longer I continue this; I would do it for 6 months if that's what it took but sometimes it just feels that I am giving her time to save money to move out. It does not seem that instituting a "Plan B" would fit my situation.

Again everyone's help is greatly appreciated.

Read the rest of the thread I posted to you.

You might not have the full story, and yet, you might. It matters not. The point is that a solid plan A must be accomplished in order for Plan b to have any effect at all. Plan A rarely stops an affair, according to Harley. A good Plan A followed by an EXCELLENT Plan B can do so.

At this point? You shouldn't be 'expecting' anything from her at all. Her viewpoint seems to be a WW going through WD (We HOPE!) This WOW thing allows her to 'be in contact' without really 'being in contact', you know?.

How are you doing with the advice to focus on YOU? Are you pressuring her? Are you annoying her? Have you quit playing the game yourself? Because, quite frankly, you sound as addicted as she is.

Again, please read the whole thread whilst you are CALM and not trying to 'force' her into what you want. DROP the relationship talk right now. You are wooing her back. Right?

If you don't want her back, then please excuse my post.


Stop that. You are coming off as a pushy guy and you're supposed to be in Plan A. Whilst in Plan A....expect NOTHING.

Honestly? A woman who is in withdrawl from the marriage is a much different creature than a man in withdrawl. Sometimes a man in WD will respond to a whole bunch of attention. A WOMAN in WD (from the marriage, not an affair) wants to be left alone. Remember that if she chooses to re-engage in the marriage afer WD, there will be conflict. Conflict can lead to intimacy, but if she jumps from WD to intimacy....well....something is 'off'.

Work on YOU. Are you finding things you are interested in and persuing them? Are you fit?



If I were you, I'd sleep in my own bed. Plan and initiate all the fun you want to with your children, and INVITE her to join in....but if she doesn't? Say, "Okay" and take off with the kids and HONESTLY have a good time.


Why is that? Can you remind me? Perhaps I got threads confused. (honestly)

Again, please read the WHOLE thread that I linked. In a calm, supportive, 'manly' way.

I think I am doing well with focusing on me. I have lost 40 lbs. My relationship with the kids is getting better. I read to them every night, help with homework. I was going to invite a friend to go golfing. I haven't done that in forever.

I need to be better about no pressure. I do it rarely and its slight. Like this week I asked when she wanted to start doing MB (She had agreed in the past to do it). Last week I messed up bad and tried to pressure her into an argument. At first I wanted to talk about it almost everyday. I am much better now.

I dont think I am annoying her. I have tried to back off in every way possible. Ive been good at not seeming needy but again I occasionally screw up. For instance, last night I asked her if she wanted to meet me at work this morning, go for a run, then go to lunch. Later she said no thank that she wanted to stay home and go to gym. She said "Its not a rejection, I just already had planned my day in my mind." I responded, what I thought was jokingly, "Sure feels like it." But I am sure it came off bad.

The only time I play the game is with her. It is something fun we do together. I have not seen her playing it very often.


Do you mean stop that as in sending the text messages? or stop expecting anything?

I dont expect anything. If I sent a funny while she was at work. I would almost immediately ask her if she got it when she got home. I have stopped doing that.

The text message are simple. For instance, she started at a new store yesterday I said "Have a good day at your new store." or Ill send her something funny like from a movie we saw together.

I left her a note in her car last week. I drew a picture of a flower and wrote "A flower for you..Have a good day." She had it as her book mark for a day then thanked me when she handed it to me in a stack of paper to put in recycling.

And I have seen slight instances where she is entering conflict.

I have been working out a lot. I go and bike rides every Sunday morning and bring her home coffee. I am going to start playing basketball with some guys and start golfing again.


Yeah I have been having fun with the kids. She comes most the time and has fun. She came to tennis with us and didn't seem to have fun except when it was just her and myself playing.

Yeah I am kinda feeling I should have never left my bed but I don't know how to approach it at this point. Ive slept on couch for 5 weeks. Moved all my toiletries to kids bathroom. Basically given her the room, except I shower and dress in there.


I thought a plan B when the affair is still on going. From everything I gather and everything she has said she doesn't talk to him anymore.

I feel like Im fighting WD (from marriage) not WD (from OM).

There has been a few positives though, but Ive found in the past I read into them too much. When we were in Costco she specifically wanted to look at the men's clothes. She picked out some workout shorts and a workout shirt for me.

She does say thank you occasionally.

Just move back into your bed..NOW!

When it comes bedtime tonight you can say "I'm not sleeping well on the sofa and realized it's time I get back in my own bed!"

It doesn't have to be a big deal, Red. It IS, after all, YOUR bed. If she isn't comfortable with it, she can try the sofa.

And move your things back to the bathroom too. No need for her to feel she has your approval of a separate life where she is The Queen.
Just keep a smile and be pleasant; no drama.

Do it!!

We are going to MC today. I am going to let her do all the talking. Act as if Im confident about where I am at and how I have treated her.

How was MC?

Red

I think 180 might be easier for you to pull off. I understand your confusion with A. Your questions make sense. NOw 180 will probably be HARDER for you to do, but EASIER for you to understand HOW to do it.

Youre wife ain't diggin you. What she would find "supportive" in an action from a husband she likes, she finds "smothering" in you. When your spouse can't stand you, all the nice things you do for her are seen as ANNOYING. If her OM acting JUST LIKE YOU, believe me, she would giggle, find his actions CHARMING, etc. Its real UNFAIR, and real HEARTBREAKING at the same time.

I think Plan A is more productive when a wife is simply pulling away, NOT when there is another man in the picture. Because while someone else besides her husband has her heart, NOTHING the husband can do will be productive, or very little.

180. Look into it.

Hey, Just an update.

On 10/5/2008 she went to the Women of Faith conference in our area. When she came home she apologized and asked my daughter for forgiveness about somethings she had said.

Then she had asked if I had bought the marriage builders home study course yet. I asked her if she wanted me to and she said "Yes."

Last night I asked her if she wanted to start praying together before bed. So we will now be praying with each other each night before bed.

Im still on couch and we are far away from healed but things are looking better.