We've been married 6 years and together for 8. Anniversary was in August and he spent the day with his "best friend", her, not me. They met in June and have been inseperable ever since. WH 38 and she is 20. They are in music and apparently are the same kind of people and he loves her like a sister etc. Had a EA and PA when I was pregnant with DD - felt I had trapped him into having a baby too soon and blamed me. I did not hold him down, spent 4 months ttc and he was loving whole time. PA lasted 2 months, EA 6 months. NC since mid 2005.

Current best friend - after 2 months of 10-15 secret phone calls all day and night for up to 3 hours a day (have phone bill for proof) and one trial separation of 10 days, he left me last Monday because I was trying to control his friendships etc. Thought it very unfair that I had abused his trust and looked at his phone bill!

They are working together in a new band and there is potential for a lot of money. As he thinks it is just a friendship and I have completely overreacted, he wants to keep working with her.

He did admit after our second MC session that he called her too often and has admitted to friends that he took it too far and wants our marriage to work. He honestly thinks that because the friendship is not sexual and never will be that he is doing the right thing by me and marriage.

EXPOSURE: I phoned his "best friend" Monday night when he left and demanded she cease all contact and that their friendship was completely inappropriate and destroying my marriage. She crumbled, cried, agreed to back off, said there was no romantic interest etc. I believe her. She tells me she is a virgin etc and not romantically interested in my husband!

I kept up with the tsunami of truth and called her mum on Tuesday. She was horrified and agreed to help me break it down etc and would support me. Said her daughter is a terrible liar and had confronted her about their friendship before and believes it is not sexual. She lives at home and my WH has been there a number of times - news to me - I knew of one occasion.

I emailed the best friend to enforce that she cut off all ties with my husband and quit from the band etc. Her mum called me to say that I was threatening her and her dad has cancer and this was all too much. Best friend called my WH to tell him about the email etc. He called me and was livid. Her mum sent him a text message saying they loved him, thought he was great support for their daughter and sorry he was going through a rough time.

I also called his boss of the band, one other band member, his mother and his brother. His boss of the band was extremely supportive of us and said that WH wants to work on marriage but does not see a life without Best Friend.

I emailed WH on Friday - see below. Not full plan B, but 180 during plan A.

He was thankful that I had apologised and appreciated what i said but livid that I wanted him to end his friendship with BF. He did not talk to kids from Thursday night to punish me. DD was so hurt and cries for daddy all the time. Not sleeping well and distressed at daycare.

He did come to house on Sunday night to see kids - went to park, had tea, played etc. DD was so happy and sweet for the first time.

Plan A/180 in full steam until his brother called him and abused him for threatening me to leave his friends and band alone as he had done earlier on Sunday. (I called his brother and left a message in tears) He hugged and kissed kids and left.

Cancelled MC on Monday morning and told me he needed to pick up a bill with his name and address on it last night. Vistited house and again threatened me to stop calling his friends and band etc and back off or he will start causing problems with my job. He wanted a full apology from me and then he would see what was left to save.

I caved to get him back on track. He has narcissitic personality characteristics (undiagnosed) and I think that the usual MB tactics were antagonising him to the point where I was really scared and breaking down all chances for us.

I sent a text message aplogising for interferring with his work and friendships and telling him that although it hurt, I understood that he cannot see us working out. I told him I would stop trying to save marriage but asked if he could see the kids as they need him so much.

30 minutes later he sent a reply to ask me to attend MC with him again - he said he's not sure if it will work, but he wants to try. I told him to make the booking and let me know when it is.

Ok, so in review, I've done the wrong things over and over. I do not intend to take him back into our home if he does not admit the hurt he has caused by his EA. I want him to pull back the friendship to a casual/colleague one, and I want to be his best friend again, not her. I want ongoing MC to build our marriage into something amazing.

I know he is in the fog but I think we are back to an even playing field with no need for him to be angry or retaliate (MAJOR goal, he gets so mad), and hopefully time for him to soul-search and heal. he is staying in a city backpacker place so no permanent lodgings. Does look like he is opening a separate bank account though.

I am confused, hurt and grasping at straws. How am I going? What should I do now?

My dear WH,

I apologise to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your emotional connection with BF possible. I foolishly pursued my career and kids without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your friendship with BF once and for all.

If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, you can still call, email or text me. I think it might be better to avoid speaking about our relationship unless it is in the presence and with the guidance of our counselor until we can communicate our issues without fighting and hurting each other.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your friendship with BF, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you still need her and see her as part of your life. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing BF.

With my love,

BS


Thank you to the poster of the original letter. It gave me an amazing platform to work from when I have been unable to form my feelings into words.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us.

Was your husband EVER a good husband and father? He doesn't sound like it.

Are you going to do the MB plan or your own plan? Plan A should be for about 6 to 8 weeks, and then Plan B.

He has actually been an amazing husband and father. He looked after our daughter as the stay at home dad for 1.5 years and our son for 3 months followed by 2 days a week until a month ago.

He has always loved me and placed me on a pedestal. My fall from grace was a lot further when I became distant because the relationship before and after the first A was amazing. He calls me his rock and when I became less of that the dream shattered

He cleans the house for me, looks after kids, supports me and loves me.

After A I became more controlling and wanted to police everything to protect myself. I guess you can only handle living like that for so long.

Sorry Believer, I missed a question.

I want the MB plan. I waiver and thought I could read other posts and get the advice I need but realised today that my story needs it's own post. I haven't been consistent with Plan A.

I cannot draw strength and clear advice from other people's posts when I am sinking on my own ship.

Well, you are responsible for half of the marriage, and he is responsible for the other half. But he is 100% responsible for his affair, and now he is having a second one.

Does he work or are you the main wage earner?

I'm the full time earner. He works 3-4 times per month in a band at night. The rest of the time he writes music and produces his own CD's. He was producing a CD for her when they met. Hours/days in our home studio

Wendy,
His actions not yours are the reason that you are not secure. You did not do this, he did! If he cannot handle what happens when he cheats on his wife then he should not cheat on this wife.

DO NOT take ANY responsibility for his AFFAIR.

My husband had an EA 6 months ago and I am still 'policing' him and will continue to until I feel secure in our marriage. My H understands this and knows that until he walks the straight and narrow and I can trust him again, I will check up on him everyday. If he did not understand this and know that this is what it will take to get us through this, we would not be together.

Thanks JoJo. How did your husband get to the point of understanding that it was an EA and not a friendship?

My WH is in denial and thinks she is a best friend + nothing sexual = NOT AN AFFAIR

It hurts but he doesn't see what it has done to me. I have lost 20 pounds in 7 weeks through tears and inability to eat. I eat with the kids but the same amount as my 3 year old.

After exposure he has been textbook as far as saying I have gone too far, if it wasn't for x we would be y already, he can't love me after this, I've gone too far, everyone thinks I'm crazy and a psycho for doing this etc.

You need to realize that an EA is just like an affair. All the things he is telling you are justifications for his awful behavior. Ignoring his children, blaming you, all par for the course.

Take care of yourself and do a short Plan A. Then you will be ready to do Plan B.

He's opening his own bank account - right now. He said that he is sick of me calling him and asking did you spend x etc. I said I am guilty of being too controlling and am sorry but he did ask me to control the finances and the budget and expenses form a part of that tight ship.

I said he needed to arrange child support and mortgage payments to me because we could not survive without his money.

He's not happy. Told me this is all fxxk'ed up and my fault.

This hurts so badly. It's our first separate accounts since we bought the house together before we married and I feel like crying again.

Is this another set back?

Wendy,
Unfortunately, my H didn't realize until after he contacted the COW again (4 months after DDay 1), when he had said he'd have NC with her, then he lied to me about talking to her.

He contacted her on a Friday, after I had an emotional meltdown on Thursday night. After talking extensively, a lot of tears, etc, he came to the realization that he 'needed' her emotional support after a 'difficult' night with his emotional wife. He again talked to her about what 'he thought', what 'he feel', how 'he didn't think he could take it much longer', blah, blah, blah...

What he didn't know was that I have a key logger installed on his laptop so the entire instant messenger exchange was recorded. I did not see it until Saturday night, after we had gotten home from a family wedding. Needless to say it was not pretty when I asked "Have you talked to D@@n?" and he said "no". I lost it. AT that point he proved to me, that he would contact HER knowing how bad he hurt me and that he WOULD lie to me.

I truly think that he did not see them as anything other than 'just friends' until the light bulb went off that weekend. He now see's that it was so much more than 'just friends.

Your H sounds like someone that is in a FOG, that is trying to protect the A. I'm sorry that you are in the same situation. And the best advice I can give you is to follow the MB ways. Get advice from the 'old-timers' they're great. And also, no matter what, follow their advice even when you do not think it's the best way. IT ALWAYS IS

Thanks for your reply and your honesty JoJo. I really appreciate the insight although it makes me sad to face reality too.

WH called last night to talk.

Good news is that he will be doing a personal development seminar all weekend and our mutal friend thinks this might really help him focus, stop all lying and dishonesty, find empathy for others and also stop blaming people for things in the past, make peace with it, find closure and move on. The timing is perfect and he is open to change because this was his decision.

He said that we have a wonderful history together and he wants to try and get "us" back but is finding it difficult to see the woman he married. He doesn't want pressure of losing his marriage to rush finding himself and get back on track, but understands I will not wait forever.

He said if he was me he would have been devastated by the over use of his new "best friend" too and acknowledged that the phone calls and secrets etc were over the top. He still wants her in his life as his best friend and thinks that a marriage is different and should not be to your best friend. I obviously disagree entirely here but this is a marathon and not a race. Too much fog!

I really feel that there is a chance to get everything that I want if I am patient and don't push him. (sounds like PLAN A). He might have found MB himself as he said the path to win back his heart and love me is to be nice to him and not treat him like a client.

He is coming to see the kids tonight and have dinner with us so I have an opportunity to do a great Plan A.

Do you have any advice for me?

He is here sitting on the couch with me now. He came home tonight to see the kids at my request, took our DD for ice-cream and to pick up a dvd and put the kids to bed.

So, we are sitting on the couch together, eating chips and on our respective laptops.

I know that pretty soon he'll jump up and go "home" to his backpackers 4 bed accommodation and I'll be sleeping alone tonight.

I want to stop all LB's and focus on his EN and try to turn this around.

He told me that there is no room for the weekend seminar for him. I am praying so hard that they can find a place for him. We really need this, even our MC agrees with me on this.

Pray for us please and comment if you can. I would love some advice from experienced MB's.

Thanks
Kerri

Kerri,
What does your MC say about this 'relationship' with the OW? Does he/she agree with you that your H's relationship with the OW is an Affair and not "Just Friends"?? If your MC doesn't see anything wrong with your H having a best friend that's female, I'd highly suggest finding another MC.

The MC my H and I go to is a Dr with a Phd that specializes in relationships. While he doesn't totally follow the MB ways, he agrees and practices a lot of them, including that any kind of relationship out of the marriage with a person of the opposite sex that is not strickly business related is WRONG!!!He's been great for both of us. I also picked a male MC because I know that my H is one of those men that takes being told that he's doing something wrong better from another man than from any woman. It's the cave-man in him I think

My H has always thought (we've been married for 18 years and I 'used' to be his best friend and am working back to that title)that it was OK to have friends that we female, that you ccould joke with, talk to, hang out with at work, etc even though I have always told him how I found it disrespectful and bad for our marriage.

After a year of being "Just Friends" with that COW that he worked with, the 'friend' that I never knew about, and about 4 months after DDay he realized that it was not a "just Friends" relationship but an EA when he contacted her again (4 months after NC was established) and discussed how he felt, discussed me, things that I had said, the state of our marriage etc, then lied to me about contacting her. (I have a key logger installed on his laptop that until that day he did not know about)

After that he began to see that his "Just Friends" relationship had been sucking what little emotional energy we had in our marriage right out. He was giving HER all the emotions and there was none left for me and out marriage. That even knowing how bad his A hurt me he still contacted her.

In the mean time, I would Plan A him but do not let up on the 'policing' no matter what he says about it or you. If you stop then he can do whatever he wants to and you will never know.

Thanks JoJo.

Our MC seems great and uses the IMAGO principles. I think it will really help us to reconnect emotionally etc. As far as his opinions about the "friendship" with OW, we have only had 2 sessions, WH cancelled last week when he left the house. The MC told us that trust, respect, communication etc are essential and he asked WH if I could ever be his Best Friend again. WH said no, OW is that now. MC is on my side, but understands that my WH is so stubborn that only time will work to change him, not pressure.

He left last night quickly after about 3.5 hours with me/us. I asked him to have a look at two new dresses I had bought. Actually, I knew that the dresses looked fabulous on me and after losing 20 pounds and with a new spray tan, I looked seriously hot. I had on some sexy underwear too. I guess I was hooping for SF, but no. Instead he was very complimentary about my body etc and quickly jumped in the car and drove out. No contact since.

He didn't mention the OW at all or our R.

I am at a loss about next move. I called him this morning to be happy and excited about a work function this weekend. It's the footy grand final in Melbourne and a massive event for Australia. I work in media and it's in a corporate box, celeb heaven, just the stuff my WH loves. I wanted a chance to sound happy & content not gloomy and sad. Got his voice mail and smiled the whole time leaving the message and sounded chirpy.

Still praying he'll get a spot for the forum this weekend.

Uh uh. No way. Nix. No How

sister - You have done nothing wrong.Your WH has cheated - twice, and you are bending over backwards to appease him.

You really need to aknolwedge the reality here - that this man is sick. Sick. sick. you can not fix that. you can not keep avoiding the truth, and avoiding all conflict, in the hopes that if you keep tip toeing around, on one foot, with a painted on smile, your hair done up, wearing something slinky and sexy, that he will finally agree to come home.

of course, if you forget to smile one day - he will find another BF.
or, heaven forbid, if you should get the flu and can't play the role of perfect wife, woman, mother, then of course that will be all your fault, and he will be free to find another BF.

you know he is feeding you a load of crap, right?
I know you are scared to lose your H, and the kids Dad, but you do realize that he is feeding you a load of crap, right?

As a good friend once told me, he can crap in your cup all he wants, you don't have to drink it.

Ok, if you wnat to do something. try this:


don't invite him! invite a girl friend to go with you.
Just tell him that you totally understand his need to "find himself" so you are going to leave him alone. and you did try to call him this morning, but he did not answer. So, anyway, you and your friend ____ are going to be at the event this weekend.(do NOT take another man with you-find a girl friend)

If he wants to fidn himself, then by all means let him. But that does not mean life will stand still waiting for him. The kids will continue to grow, and you will continue to have freinds, and go to work functions.

he is a 38 yer old man who claims that he was rushed into having a baby? Are you kidding me? He works 3-4 days a month, you pay all the bills, he moves out so that now the two of you will have even more bills, and yet he wants to have his own checking account so you can't control the finances? Huh??? That man was darn lucky to have you.

I better stop now.


Ok, one more thing. Get your own account. Do not allow him to have his own account AND acces to yours. He needs to feel the reality of his single lifestyle.

Thank you womanoffaith5.

You sound SO MUCH like the voice in my head that I try to ignore for fear of rocking the boat. I do walk on eggshells and tiptoe around and if I am ever less than perfect...you know the rest!!!

I am really scared to lose my family and hope that he will change. I cannot go back to how it was and will not. If my marriage is not 100/100 and without other BF's, then I don't need it and don't want it. I think there is better out there but am not willing yet to make the leap of faith without trying to fix things, for me and the babies.

I did change the internet passwords for the bank accounts and I did ask him for money the other day, which he gave me, for kids and house etc. He still has a credit card but I have been monitoring it and he is not using it at all. The Landmark Forum is the event he is trying to attend this weekend and it promises pretty big things. It may be the thing he needs to get over it and grow up!

Great advice about the weekend event. I will go without him and have a fantastic time, camera in bag, for great fun shots of life on my own and then post them on facebook!