I called OM today and asked him if his W know about the affair. He said "No". I asked him to tell her so I could get this poison out of me. I don't know what to do. Has anyone counselled over the phone with Steve Harley?

You're going to count on that? You need to go straight to the horse's mouth and tell her yourself.

Charlotte

thess, that is probably not going to be very effective in getting the news to the OM's GF. He would have no reason to bust himself, especially if he believes you are too scared to rat him out. I would call her directly or drive to his house.

Firstly I don't want the guilt of potentially breaking up their marriage. I talked this over with my wife, about the need to tell OS and she thinks it's not our business (naturally).The guy is somewhat prominent so it would be very scandalous. I drove to their house yesterday and was tempted to walk in but lacked the courage, so I phoned him instead. I called him at home and he asked me to call him at his work if I wanted to speak with him so I suspect he is worried. This is tearing me apart because part of me wants to "punish" him for taking my W from me and part of me feels "compassion" for the unsuspecting spouse who has a moral right to know, but is it my place to let the cat out of the bag. I hope he takes that opportunity to fix his marriage by admitting the affair and start to fix it,becuase I suspect it's a matter of time before I take that step. I would prefer it comes from him and she calls me to confirm she knows. Thanks for the counsel folks. Also, we told our adult boys that we were having marital problems and had a "heart-to-heart" last night but W and agreed ahead of time not to bring up the A. They still don't know and I don't want them to know. I gave W a copy of "Surviving an Affair" as it parallels our experiences, but I suspect she is in withdrawal and not receptive to it's messages.

First, if their marriage breaks up, it will be because OM cheated on his wife - not because you outted him. The responsibility is all his. The guilt is all his.

As a FBS, OMW has every right to know that her H is a cheat so she can decide whether she wants to remain in the M or not. By not telling her, you are not doing her any favors. Every BS has a right to know the truth. You would want that courtesy and yet you deny OMW? What have you learned?

Whether she knows it or not, her H is a cheat and that affects her M. She may not know the cause but she suffers the result.

IMHO it is your obligation and moral duty to ensure she knows the truth.

Thess, you are protecting the OM so he can do this to another man's family. How is that in anyone's best interest?

Why is it NOT your place to tell the OM's GF since you KNOW? Wouldn't it be the "place" of anyone who knows? If your neighbors bookkeeper is stealing money from him would it only be the "place" of the bookkeeper to tell him? Wouldn't that mean that my neighbor NEVER gets the truth? How will the OM's GF get the truth if no one tells her?

The OM's GF is being exposed to STDs and may end up defrauded into marrying a man she doesn't know. All because it isn't your "place" to warn her? Does that sound very compassionate?

Two sets of eyes, friend. Let this woman become your ally. The A can go underground if you don't have both BS's being vigilant.

GF

Thess, would you think it compassionate if your WW was screwing OM, people knew, yet no one thought it was their place to tell you? Would you really think, "hey thanks for looking out for me" or would you feel like a fool for being the last one in on the joke? Not to mention being exposed to STDs and the possibility that a child could be born of an affair to complicate a BS's life a million times more. I can understand that you feel bad for OMW but she deserves the truth. I had the same reservations myself when I contacted OPS but it was the best thing I could have done. OM is NOT going to admit anything to his wife and you know it.

It still amazes me that people are willing to swerve to avoid hitting an animal in the street, yet they can turn a blind eye to a person getting abused because it's "none of their business." Very, very sad.

Thess, I understand that you feel like by exposing, you would be causing pain to the OPS. You know how much it hurts, and you don't want them to experience that hurt too - that's compassionate. But what you need to understand is that the pain won't come from you telling, it's from WS's behavior. YOU aren't causing the pain - you're sharing necessary info. Look at this this way - somebody posted this example in another thread, which I really liked - if the OPS had a flat tire and didn't know it, would you tell them, to keep them from getting into an accident, or would you keep your mouth shut thinking it isn't your "place" to say anything? Wouldn't you hope someone would be kind enough to let you know your tire was going flat? Would you be angry at that person for sharing that information? I realize that's a really simplified way of looking at it, but all you're doing is sharing important information - what OPS chooses to do with that info is up to them and you aren't responsible for.

I think you'll also find a surprising amount of peace comes from doing it too - because like a pp said - you'll have two pairs of eyes watching to be sure the affair isn't re-started. Plus it'll make the situation so uncomfortable for both WS's that it isn't likely to re-start.

Truly grateful for all the wise counsel. Much food for thought and I appreciate your welcomed support.

You did the right thing. I'm glad it worked out!

In my sitch, I contaced the OW's H and together we exposed the details of the affair. We were each asking questions on each side and emailing each other what we found so no more lies could be told. Sometimes I still wonder though, but at least most of the details were exposed. I still consider him an ally in all of this. Together we made sure there was no contact.

She probably feels suicidal because she feels the distance from her spouse from the affair. I was an emotional MESS the entire time of my H's A, but in the dark and I am so disgusted that no one exposed. Exposure is the only way to GIVE strength to the betrayed spouse. It is a GIFT.

And like you, I questioned the idea at first. And my H of course discouraged me from "hurting their relationship". He was just trying to protect himself and the A.