In fact, we are in what you call RECOVERY!

Here's the link to my most recent, in-depth thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2035226&fpart=1

I'm dropping in here to let anybody who remembers me and/or kept up with me back then or perhaps wonders about me now, know that H has committed to 100% sobriety and re-building our marriage.

He will move back in in 30 days or so. Now the real work begins. For now, we are talking a lot - we actually have OPEN and HONEST discussions with one another. I'm asking questions I've been afraid to ask for years and he's telling me things I didn't allow the opportunity for. I'm not nervous or anxious or worried or doubtful...I'm proud and optimistic. He has said some very mature things recently that help me feel safe already. It's different this time. WE are different this time. I am happy.

We (DD12, DS9 & I) will also continue with Al-Anon/Alateen, H & I are trying to think of a hobby we can both enjoy together, and I will probably RE-read a lot of the materials on this site like the EN questionnaire, POJA, EPs (DEFINITELY EPs), and I guess it's finally time to read Fall in Love, Stay in Love and the like.

So, that's what's going on with me. Big thanks to all supporters, you KNOW who you are. I am not gone from this place, not now!!

Oh Julie.......


YEAH......YEAH.....YEAH...... ...


So, the ten million dollar question.....

When did he FINALLY choose to be sober and how long has it been??????

and again congradulations......and welcome to recoveryville....

not2fun

When? Last Friday. So it's been 4 days! He never was the every-day drinker, but instead the every-weekend and once-a-week-band-practice drinker. So there are plenty of challenges ahead and we will face them together.

I'm not quite sure what it was but I do plan to ask what finally tripped him. I can tell you that as of 9/13 our LSA was null & void so after grieving for a couple days, I finally gained the courage 9/15 to tell him straight out I'm not going to negotiate this - you're either going to be my sober husband or my as-you-are-now ex. On 9/19 he came to me clear-headed and happy, saying he's ready to give it up completely. Last night he made the same announcement to the kids.

OMG Julie, I'm so happy for you. You worked hard and stood your ground, and now you will reap the benefits. Prayers for your recovery.

YAY JULIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so happy for you! I hope you and your hubby can re-build and be happier than you ever were before. My prayers are with you, honey!

Thanks for the support, and your prayers.

So, in addition to AA, he's got himself a Honey-Do list about a mile long "because there's going to be times I want to drink, so I'll need to stay busy" Kinda cool. The "us" hobby has got us a little stumped. He wants me to take up shooting, or rather to teach me to shoot. I don't really see the point, though I realize scrapbooking won't really serve him well either. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

All is well.

Congrats & welcome to recovery!


How about Martial Arts?

Your children are old enough to join also.

It could be a whole family event.

Mrs. Field and I have been involved for many years and when our children were old enough we brought them into our practices also.

We attend tournaments as a family outing! It has done much to inprove our DD's (16 & 12) self confidence.

DD3 looks forward to going to "HI YA!" with the rest of the family.

Oh Julie, I am so happy for you! Another MB success story! You stuck with the Plan and it worked!

Is he getting help? Stopping is not easy but he's got the major battle licked... the want to.

How are the kids taking this?

Prayers going up for you and your husband.

Congrat on moving on up!!!! I am proud. I have read your story and I just wanted to show my support!!!!

Thanks, everybody!

Mr. Field, I'd LOVE to do martial arts & have thought of that. H being in construction & generally achy & cracky, will possibly not want to and I will understand. Hmmm, perhaps yoga?

PM, the kids are elated. Well, DD/12 is - DS/9 has been kind of oblivious/wanting to please/keep the peace throughout this ordeal. Definitely not as involved if you will, but DD/12 was the real test & H knew it.

Don't think it's quite fair to call me an MB "success story" though...this revelation did not come straight from Plan B. I broke Plan B 7/1 when it all of a sudden hit me that I was OK with or without him - no more bitterness, hurt, resentment, fear, none of it. At that point I was OK with being my own IM and, admittedly, as a close friend pointed out, I kinda lead him on & the rest is history (or, in my first post of this thread).

So, technically, I didn't follow MB principles. I may be in the "modified Plan B" category, at best. Looking back, I'm not convinced that Plan B was the best way to go in terms of getting him sober. And that's how I always looked at it: Plan B him so he'll get sober. The side effect, as I saw it, is my new ME - I love him, but I love me more and even though there were times I wondered if I'd waiver, I didn't. I wouldn't. And the rest is history. Or, it's explained in my first post on this thread.

No regrets. None whatsoever. I am safe. Long road ahead, challenging and happy - I am confident of this.

Hey, shooting is fun! Get yourself a "Pink Lady" (38 revolver, easy to handle, a woman's gun) and enjoy target practice together!

Julie - Try the shooting. My ex and I used to go target shooting at a range all the time, and I got to be a better shot than he. And there is NOTHING like it to relieve stress! When I walk out of that place, it feels like a load was lifted off me, every time.

Really? I don't know. I worry about EVERYTHING. Mind you, nowadays, I'm pretty big into facing my fears. But...I'm scared! We'll talk about it. Thing is, can you call this a hobby? I mean, you go, fire off some rounds, and you're done. Right? As you can see this is really outside my comfort level. I bet H would LOVE it if I asked him for a "pink lady" for my birthday though!!

You might be surprised, you might like it more than you think. Yes it can be considered a hobby (albeit expensive for the rounds). There are so many things two people can do together that they can BOTH enjoy though...I'd say give it a try and if you really don't enjoy it, the two of you should brainstorm to find something else. The good thing about guns is, their value doesn't seem to diminish if they're "used", as long as they're in good condition. You can always sell it!

Julie,,,,,

For godness sake....DO THE SHOOTING......you won't know until you try.....Don't talk about it....DO IT....go and watch him do it and learn all you can first, then try it out...You love this man, work this hard to get him home and now you wanna talk about "outside your comfort" zone...

Let me tell you a story.....

A year ago, my WS was talking about getting a motorcycle. How it would be fun, something we could do together, his uncle and aunt go all the time and said it has helped bonded them, we would have fun shopping for the accessories, and so on and so on.

Me??? Nope, I was past that stage of being a daredevil, 2 people I knew had recently died in motorycycle accidents, who would watch the kids, I was not about to be a "biker chick", it was outside my comfort zone, and so on and so on....

We went round and round about it. He would show me bikes on the internet or accessories, I would blow him off.....

Do I need to tell you what happened just weeks later????....(he started his A)

I regret this episode in our M to this day. I wish so bad I could go back and take him up on this......but I can't.

And now in Recovery??? Well, he got his bike in May and it has been SUCH A WONDERFUL bonding thing for us......We love it....even if we aren't getting along great, we hop on and go for a ride....He went to Arizona in Aug. and he flew me down and we did a bike trip to the canyon, and experience I willnever forget....

So,,,,my point being is JUST DO IT. It may end up being something you BOTH love and can bond over, or it may be something you fight him on and wish later you did it like me....

And you know what?? Trying it out for him will deposit MANY MANY tokens in the love bank....

not2fun

ps...I'm soooooo happy for you still...yo

I hear you, loud & clear, you're right, I'll try it. FWIW, there is no fighting (WHOA - there's no fighting! We don't fight! Weird) but more of me "not so sure" about it. We discussed a bit more last night & he likes the idea of shooting more than karate or scrapbooking (he he) because it's more non-commital & we can do it whenever as opposed to being counted on to show up every week a certain day/time, etc. The kids keep us SO busy, especially DD/12, and things tend to come up pretty last minute so this makes sense. At the same time, I cannot lose myself in that again! We lived so many of our years together as business partners in the rearing of our children that I MUST be careful that NEVER happens again!

OH, I was right, YES I can have a "pink lady" for my birthday if I so choose. I'll pass tho, for now.

Funny you mention the motorcycle. In our case, I wanted H to get a bike for YEARS and he wouldn't, convinced it wasn't his thing. Finally last year gas prices forced him to bite the bullet & ever since it's been our thing. We'd sneak away for short rides on the weekends & such, we both really enjoy it. In fact, currently, that's the one thing we both really enjoy together! This year he upgraded (while we were separated!) so we're no longer forced to enjoy the hunk-o-junk we started off with.

Can we switch gears here a bit? I didn't start this thread looking for advice but as the days go by now I am. What should I be doing? What should WE be doing? Other than the obvious, that is, which is our meetings, keeping communication open, spending 15+ hours/week together. Where should I start? HN/HN? Would SAA have anything for us? FIL, SIL?

Also, H hasn't really said much to anyone yet, except for the boys in the band cuz weekly band practice can no longer include "a couple beers". Me, I want to scream from the mountain tops! I want to send a mass email, show up at peoples' homes & announce, invite family to dinner & tell them, heck I could throw him a party! (Er, not wise) I want him to be comfortable but I also want him making EVERYONE know - don't I? Isn't that an EP?

OH, and, I'm thinking I'll probably invite his mother to lunch. Maybe his sister too, not sure. But I do feel like I need to clear the air w/his mother. Part of me feels a need to explain to her how BAD she was for our family this past 9 mos, the other part wants to simply move forward. Not sure, but I don't think keeping it/her under the rug is a good idea. And, of course, I'd have to POJA this with H. Though I should have a good understanding of POJA first.

No rush on any of this, I guess. It's what I'm thinking of & will appreciate any feedback. Any thoughts? I guess I could use some guidance.

Wow guys, nothing? Something? Please? You know how I like direction.

Should I be posting over on the other board? But this is where everyone knows me. And lots of 'in recovery' & 'recovered' folks are here...

Help a sister out?

Okay sista.....I'll give a shot at this....

First thing you need to do is review in SAA the rules for recovery (or on this site..)....yes meeting EN's is important, but so is advoiding LB's. Follow Harley's four rules of marital recovery.

Also, this is the time where you two need to find RC things together. Try something new, even if you aren't sure one of you will like it.

Make sure the EP'S rules are clear and followed.......

And since WS is an alcholic, I don't think I need to tell you that AA should be an EP for him....

Mostly, you need to spend as much time as possible together, like you were dating again. Meeting each others needs of RC, Conversation, SF, and quality time......

About the family.....well, I would hold off on that lunch with mom. First off, you should have to tell her what she did, that should be H's place. He needs to do this....and no, it shouldn't be swept under the rug, at least not forever. Yes it should be POJA with H.

Take this time to heal you guys as a couple. And your kids. We have pretty much kinda cut out our family's so we can concentrate on us. Actually, I would talk with H about telling family and telling them that you would appriciate their support and patience as you use this time to heal your marriage. That way people DO know what is going on, but yet know why you may be MIA for awhile.......

its hard hard work.....let me tell you. Its even worse than during the A, BUT there will be days when it is soooooooo worth it........

Hang in there.......

not2fun

ps...oh....I forgot, I would print off the EN'S questionaires for you both to fill out. You don't want to bombard him too much, because he will become overwhelmed....but start out slowly, and you need to review the recovery stuff...BUT start with the questionaires, so that way YOU both know what each others EN'S are....

pss...I would stay on this board. There's way more traffic. But be warned, you don't get as much responses for some reason when you enter recovery. If you have a MAJOR problem you need help with, change your thread title.....

Hiya Julie



sounds like a friendly reaching out ....



be very careful when walking through a cow pasture barefooted .... you know you're going to step in something sooner or later

feeling like you need to clear the air is sometimes code-speak for venting - NOT a friendly reaching out at all



well then, listen to a different part of you .... this is a very bad idea if you are interested in relationship building with MIL ..... very bad



I am done with the phrase "move forward" ... it has no real meaning or intent of purpose

how about this: you "get along" with relatives
who says you have to like it?
no one
who says you have to feel all warm and cozy toward MIL in order to get along?
no one

get along with her in social situations and limit all other expectations and interactions




are you capable of being civil and getting along with a woman whom you do not necessarily trust or like?

if you are capable of this, it's what I recommend - why?

because it will make your marriage recovery better

it's a useful skill in life - knowing when to disarm and coexist peacefully




POJA this ... "How do you feel about keeping our parent's opinions and behaviors out of our marriage dynamics? How do you feel about being friendly and polite with our extended families and not allowing them to enter into our private business?"


going back to this:
.... this is CLEARLY an AlAnon NO-NO

Thanks, Pep.

Yes, I CAN "get along" with her to save face. Crazy part is, because I'm so much better/more confident/happier/self assured/clear headed now, I can do it w/o feeling weird or bitter or judging her under my breath. Why? Because I am HAPPY. With ME and with H. Pretty cool.

No, I do not desire a relationship with this woman. ONLY reason I bring any of it up is because #1-I don't want any underlying, unspoken tension remaining (some will recall my last interaction with her: she showed up at my door in...what...March? and I went apesh!t on her - yelling, cussing, carrying on. It wasn't pretty) and #2-to appease my H, not have him feeling "in the middle" or having to choose between us. He is very "close" w/his mother & sister. But, there goes my codependent again huh? That's not my place and so I won't go there. Besides, I DO think he's open (now, not ever before though) to agreeing to your idea: "how about we kick them to the curb while we live it up w/o their interaction" (that's what you said, right? )

I think I will get to the reading Not2 assigned for me. And, LET GO AND LET GOD!