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Kind of late to be worried about it now. Is your wife's ex going to take her back? Does your wife want the divorce or you?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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To the OP:
I attended a church for five years. The associate pastor there was a woman who met her husband when she was in high school and he was her married teacher (these days he would have been prosecuted with sexual assault to a child). Nevertheless, he ended up divorcing his wife and marrying her. They've been together now for over 30 years. Neither one of them were Christians when they married.
I always had a problem with this because the Bible is clear. People tried to say, "yeah but they weren't Christians when they married and when you get saved all sin is washed away." I still didn't quite buy that because the Word doesn't say, "Thou shalt not commit adultery... except if you're not a Christian."
The final straw for me was when they announced that this couple was going to teach a marriage seminar. Even though they had done lots of good "works" throughout the years... the origin of their marriage, based on sin, caused those works to be tainted... for me personally. It just didn't feel right for me.
I guess everyone will know for sure one day.
As for your marriage, it's not really a marriage that can be blessed by God. This has to be very painful for you to face.
What does your wife say about it all?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Let's call it what it is...I like the term "affairage". Well, I made up the term, and I hate it. Illegitimate or not, introvert has a point. He's using God as an excuse for not fixing this mess, but running away instead. -ol' 2long Not back, medc
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Illegitimate or not, introvert has a point. He's using God as an excuse for not fixing this mess, but running away instead. Huh???  2long-- did you take your meds today?  Who's running away? Not fixing what mess? :crosseyedcrazy: Welcome back. I thought you were long-gone. Maybe I should take more of my meds.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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And I would ask that those of you who come to a Christian website (and yes the Harleys say that it is), Show me. try and show some respect for Christian beliefs. It is disingenuous for you to come here and mock Christian beliefs. What about debating them respectfully? When does it become offensive 2 overly-sensitive people? -ol' 2long
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Illegitimate or not, introvert has a point. He's using God as an excuse for not fixing this mess, but running away instead. Huh??? 2long-- did you take your meds today? No, I musta taken yours by mistake! The OP is running away, or trying 2 justify doing so. Not fixing what mess? :crosseyedcrazy: The mess his marriage is in. I think you'd find, like on the affair marriage thread where Dr Harley made one of his all-2-rare appearances, that he'd try 2 save even this marriage, because it's in trouble. Welcome back. I thought you were long-gone. Maybe I should take more of my meds. Instead of mine?  I am long gone. I still recommend people I've met who've been subjected 2 infidelity call the Harleys, but I don't send anybody here anymore. -ol' 2long
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Honestly, I don't think it matters if there is another reason.
Doing the right thing is doing the right thing. If there are additional, less noble motivations for doing the right thing, the Holy Spirit will work to convict him of that, as well.
Duped? Hardly. It just doesn't matter. Should we tell him, "Don't do the right thing because your motives may not be pure. Keep on sinning until your reasons for not sinning are all good." ????????? Perfectly stated! Intro, yes I suppose it is possible that this guy has a new woman picked out. If that's the case, God will not bless that relationship either. But as far as I can see, we have no evidence of that, in fact not even a hint or clue (unless there are posts I have missed.) So, as with any other members, I am going by what I see, until otherwise enlightened. And the fact is, he has been living in adultery for 5 years, so I am glad he is ending it. As far as "Where was God when this began?" Well, unfortunately He was being pushed away so the OP and his partner in adultery could enjoy their sin. God does not FORCE His presence. But I have known of many cases where God spent years working on someone's heart until they finally repented and turned to Him. Hopefully that is the case here. If it's just an excuse to get involved with another off-limits partner, God will see right through that. Then why aren't we all divorced? Everyone here is either a "sinner" or is married to one. Why are any Christians even here if all of this is so cut and dry for you guys? I don't understand the question. We are here because we are fighting for our God-ordained marriages, which have been put in danger through poor decisions by one or both spouses. Yes, we are all sinners, but that doesn't mean we have completely surrendered to sin. We are striving to overcome. I do think you need to check something out. You state you are and was a Christian when you met her. She was M. Where were your beliefs then? Where were your beliefs when you M her? And why now because she now sees the way is there regreat in the M? I do not think you should seek D as an answer. We are all sinners from whatever beliefs we have. We are here for two things. 1. SUPPORT and 2. Advice/guidence I would talk to your pastor and tell him how you and your W met, and continued on and to the point of where you both stand today. G-D does forgive.
Married 1996 4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7 FWW 30's FWH 30's My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me My story New beginings
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tc99
What do you see as your options?
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Wow, didnt realize I'd stir up so many emotions from so many people.
Our marriage has been in trouble for a long time now, its not that just now I decided to start thinking of a divorce. Throughout our entire marriage (right from the beginning) my wife out of guilt for marrying me would tell me things like " my ex treated me better", "my ex spent more money on me", "I made a mistake marrying you", "youre not the man for me", "I'm now being punished because of our adultery", These things and worse I've endured hearing almost on a weekly basis. About two years ago I really started losing feelings for her because of these things being said over and over, I sat her down MANY times and told her that she's slowly killing my love for her but she never took notice of my warnings. Beginning of this summer I told her that I cant go on like this if I have to hear these things constantly, she again didnt care and continued saying them until about 3 months ago when I told her we should split. Finally then it hit it and she has not said anything painful since. At the same time my feelings were no longer and I told her I needed time to decide what we're going to do. So for the last 3 months we've kind of kept our distance from each other because I needed time to see how I still felt about her. I've been praying and telling God that I do not want a divorce but at the same time I do not want to stay married to someone that I have no feelings for and for God to give me back those feelings if he wants us to stay together. Those feelings have not been coming back but instead I kept hearing a voice saying I will not bless this marriage because of your sins. I started reading different Christian marriage books along with studying the Bible and the same message keeps echoing, even last weekend my wife and I were watching a Christian program on TV and the same message.
My wife does NOT want to get divorced but totally agrees that our marriage is most likely doomed and will not be blessed.
We have already spoken about contacting her ex and both agree on trying to ask for forgiveness from him, we just have to find out where he lives because he most likely moved out of state.
There is no other woman and I am not using God as a way out. It is simply the build up from a bad marriage that God never wanted to take place and it has taken this long for things to come to this.
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*giggles maniacally*
I just can't find a speck in my worthless soul that remotely feels sorry for you.
Oh well.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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tc99
What do you see as your options? At this time I see 2 options. Stay in the marriage with both of us miserable, we've both never felt a unity between us, not surprised of course. or Split and try to make things right. I want both of us to be in a marriage thats built on Gods love and have his blessings. I want my wife to be married to someone where she can tell him how happy she is to have married him.
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*giggles maniacally*
I just can't find a speck in my worthless soul that remotely feels sorry for you.
Oh well. I didnt come here to ask for sympathy, I'm a big boy and can take it. I know what I did and I'm not afraid to fess up to it and take resposibility for it. What I came here mostly for was to ask some of you for wisdom in my understanding of the Bible. Meaning, do we do a complete 180 and break a marriage which God never wanted to happen or do we still find favor in Gods eyes and he blesses us regardless as long as we repent?
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Can it be clarified by any one on this forum whether Tc99 is, in fact, married to his "wife" in the eyes of God?
I seem to recall that St John had his head chopped off for criticizing some ruler for marrying his brother's wife.
Jesus also made judgment of the woman at the well's marital status.
Is there a Theologian in the house?
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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You will find both views at this site.
The death of an affair marriage is not a surprise. The same things that made it wrong in the beginning continue to affect the two of you even now. Your chances of making it past 5 years were less than 1 in 100, and there's a reason for that.
While you're here, you might as well read up on the dynamics of how affairs happen and why they end. I think you will learn a lot, and gain a good understanding of why the last 5 years of your life have gone the way they have.
I admire you for even being willing to look at this - most Christian folks in affair marriages do not have the courage to examine the subject honestly, even if they come to believe they should stay together. They usually just get really mad if questioned and say that God is blessing their marriage now, no matter how it started. Good for you for looking at both sides.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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*giggles maniacally*
I just can't find a speck in my worthless soul that remotely feels sorry for you.
Oh well. I didnt come here to ask for sympathy, I'm a big boy and can take it. I know what I did and I'm not afraid to fess up to it and take resposibility for it. What I came here mostly for was to ask some of you for wisdom in my understanding of the Bible. Meaning, do we do a complete 180 and break a marriage which God never wanted to happen or do we still find favor in Gods eyes and he blesses us regardless as long as we repent? You didn't read my original post didja? You owe the BH a debt and you aren't gonna get any sort of "blessing" until that debt is settled even if you two love birds divorce. Luke 12:58 For as thou art going with thine adversary before the magistrate, on the way give diligence to be quit of him; lest haply he drag thee unto the judge, and the judge shall deliver thee to the officer, and the officer shall cast thee into prison.
I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Of course I read your reply along with everyone elses, honestly, thank you!
I was restating my reason for coming on here and not to make it seem like I'm looking for pity for the situation I'm in.
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You don't need to be a theologian. Compare everything the Bible has to say on the subject. (Not that I am posting every single verse here.  ) Matthew 5
31 "It hath been said, `Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement.'
32 But I say unto you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. Note: the word fornication is also translated 'unchastity', and simply means sexual misconduct. Matthew 19
3 The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
7 They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
8 He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Mark 10
2 And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.
3 And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?
4 And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.
5 And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.
6 But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
10 And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.
11 And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
12 And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery. Luke 16
15 And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.
16 The law and the prophets were until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it.
17 And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.
18 Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery. Romans 13
8 Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
9 For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law. Not exhaustive, but these are the main ones.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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And, since you mentioned about John the Baptist, who was the greatest of all the prophets, according to Jesus.... (Matthew 11:11) Mark 6
14 And king Herod heard of him; (for his name was spread abroad:) and he said, That John the Baptist was risen from the dead, and therefore mighty works do shew forth themselves in him.
15 Others said, That it is Elias. And others said, That it is a prophet, or as one of the prophets.
16 But when Herod heard thereof, he said, It is John, whom I beheaded: he is risen from the dead.
17 For Herod himself had sent forth and laid hold upon John, and bound him in prison for Herodias' sake, his brother Philip's wife: for he had married her.
18 For John had said unto Herod, It is not lawful for thee to have thy brother's wife.
19 Therefore Herodias had a quarrel against him, and would have killed him; but she could not: Notice that John didn't ask first if they had any children, or how long they had been married, or whether Herod Philip had been abusive to Herodias. "It is not lawful for thee to have thy brother's wife." Pretty plain, and he lost his head for it.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Questions
1. Does the former husband want his X-wife back?
2. Was your wife the one to file for divorce?
3. Did the X-husband want a divorce?
4. Do your wife and her X-husband have kids?
5. Why did you do this if you knew it was wrong?
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Questions
1. Does the former husband want his X-wife back?
2. Was your wife the one to file for divorce?
3. Did the X-husband want a divorce?
4. Do your wife and her X-husband have kids?
5. Why did you do this if you knew it was wrong? 1. We dont know, she says she never really loved him, so her going back to him is not even an option. 2. Yes 3. No 4. No 5. Saying I was young and stupid only goes so far, but honestly, I wasnt close to God at the time and the temptation was too great for me to resist. My wife is extremely beautiful and she has a very sweet personality, I fell in love with her, even against my better judgement.
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