Hello. My wife told me about two months ago now that she has been having an affair for the past year and that she is now pregnant with his child. We have been married for 9 years and have a 7 yr old son.

Figuring I would kick her out, she was preparing to be alone. But I did not and said I would forgive her and we can work it out. I believe in our marriage. The OM says he wants to be part of this child life for he and his wife cannot have children. So I have been patient and supportive for the past two months as they try and work it out. We are running out of time though cause she will begin showing and we do not know where it should all go. He does not want to leave his wife, but will (and get together with my wife) in order to be able to have access to the child.

I told my wife she needs to cut him out of her life and rebuild her marriage with me. Then eventually I would have to act as the mediator for the child's visitation if she cannot get over her feelings for him. She knows I have given her everything in the past years and that I would be a very supportive father to the child and husband. She cannot get over the guilt and shame she feels though. She cares for him enough that she does want him to have a part in the baby's life but also does not want to hurt me any further.

She is torn between giving our relationship the attention it needs to rebuild or just throwing it all away to run away with him. We have taken the Emotional Needs Questionaire and have narrowed down what has happened in our relationship. Most everything can be addressed except she feels she will not have any sexual desire for me anymore. The part of her heart we need to rebuild our relationship, he has and I need it back for this to work!

I could go on but do not want to make this any longer. Any advice? I feel I have done all that I can do.

Thanks

Welcome to MB. This is becoming quite the common theme, used to be the men getting the OW pg. First and foremost if you want to save your marriage your WW needs to go completely NC with OM. The only way for her to get her feelings back for you is to get through withdrawl and focus on your relationship. IF IF IF you both decide to allow OM and OMW to have contact with the OC you will need a mediator to be the go between for visitation. I strongly advise against C. It will make your recovery more difficult.

Now, question...does the OMW know? If not, you need to expose this A to her immediately. If you choose C with OM, what will you tell your 7 y/o? Please look up posts by pops. He has been a great help to men in your situation. You may also want to look at the thread on general questions board by runnerboy. His FWW is pg by OM and he is going to raise the OC as his own. They are NOT going to involve the OM.

God bless.

How does she know the baby is his and not yours? If you had sex during conception time...wait and have a DNA test. The OM said he and his wife could not have children. Was that his issue or his wife's??

My 6 year old was conceived during the beginning of our relationship but she still hadn't given up her old boyfriend as I was told she had. I stepped up and stayed with her thru the pregnancy and had a DNA test done and she was mine. My now wife thought it was his....I guess my swimmers were olympians!!!

Just wait and see how it plays out.

Yes, not only does the OMW know, but she wants to be part of the baby's life too... even if the OM and my wife run off together. I do not know how my wife could think of him being faithful. That is what makes this whole situation weird. The OMW has completely forgiven him too and has stated she will step aside if he wants to raise the child with my wife. The OM has stated he will step aside as well to let us build on our relationship if that is what my wife wants and will be best for the baby. He just then wants to still be able to have access to the child.

I guess my wife just cannot imagine how we can cut him out of our life yet still grant him time with the child that is part his. Nobody wins here, I think she just wants to make sure that the right decision is made that will cause the least amount of pain.

OK, inlikeflynn's point about DNA is very key here. You MUST get DNA done before even considering contact with OM.

Now to address your WW's concern about the least amount of pain, she needs to look at this from YOUR perspective and the OC. Raising this child in an intact family with one mom and one dad along with the sibling is the ideal. Ask any child of divorce that goes back and forth between families and you will know it causes confusion and unnecessary pain. In addition, fullhouse who is the spouse to pops (I mentioned him earlier) suffers extreme pain each time her OC goes for her visitation with XOM. The child balks at leaving her family and mom is unhappy. Who wins here? Plus when xOM was still married, fullhouse had to deal with OMW making decisions about OC (like cutting her hair) that fullhouse did not like! That is the REALITY of this sit.

If I had the choice, I would raise the OC as my own.

Based on the calculations of conception and that we had not had sex at anytime near then, they were alone together (business trip) for 10 days and had sex during that time. Pretty sure it is his! They do know the problems with there conceving was hers and not his.

Hello, and I'm glad you found this board. It has helped me quite a bit in the short time I have been here.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. OM seems willing to do anything to be with his child (and maybe your W too)

His W wants to have a R with this OC even if your W and OM run off together??? DId I read that wrong? That's pretty weird.

If W still has feelings for this man, she will keep him in her life using OC. There is really nothing you can do about the way she feels. I also am concerned that she said she wouldn't be attracted to you sexually anymore. That's not a very good statement for her to make, in addition to hurting you.

Like you said, she will start showing soon and there will be questions. Only your W can decide on what she wants to do concerning OM. If you could go to MC, that might help in the mean time. But she's going to have to make her decision soon.

You are a good man to forgive and be willing to take this child on as your own. Only opinion I have is, if your Marriage isn't on solid ground by the time the baby is born, than it's probably not the best place for OC to be.

IBKR,

Would the OM and OMW adopt the child as their own with NC from you and your wife. Seems both of them want the child with no reservations. Just make sure they pay all the doctors bills.

I was an OC and adopted out of my family, which all in all was likely the best thing.

God Bless
NJ

I don't think that he said that W didn't want to keep the baby.
Why would she give her baby to another woman? I think their dilema is what to do about OM being involved.

That is correct, my wife has no intention of giving the baby up. Yes, the problem is that he wants to stay involved and she has deep feelings for him. With the problems that we have gone through (lack of communication and rec time together etc), she does not have any hope that our marriage can be rebuilt, at least not in the time before the bambino is born.

HMO2,

She should volunteer to give the baby up to save her marriage, and avoid her husband having to support a child who is not his, avoid the need to tell lies to the child, like I was told.

From a biological standpoint its like getting to spread your DNA without the work of raising the child or providing financial support.

Also you have the issue of the OM extended family, the child has real aunt, uncles and grandparents on his biological fathers side and this is his heritage who he really is. I had to track down mine identity is an important part of the human psyche.

Also what is his last name, I can't help but hate my last name, but I don't know what to change it to, wanted to take my wifes last name when I married and likely should have.

God Bless
NJ

What???!!! You think the W should give up her baby to avoid ackward questions/lies?

She's the mother, I don't think that there's a woman on this board who would give up her baby to OM and His W.

I think what he's trying to say is that she has strong feelings for this man.....and wants to keep OM by using the baby.

He needs to get his W as far away from OM as he can. But I don't think he can make W do what he says/wants.

He is upset and wants OM to be out of their lives, and he is willing to be the father to this child. I think that says alot about his character. I think his marriage is in big trouble, and he's frustrated that he doesn't have any control over the situstion or W and OM.

Would it be reasonable for her to give up her child that is the result of her affair in order to save her marriage?


I don't know of any here that have done that but there are some here who have in fact given up their child that resulted from their affair in order to try to save their marriage.


And that I think is the whole problem. She is not willing to make any sacrifice for her husband. It isn't merely having the child but trying to keep OM that becomes the problem for this marriage. If she were willing to let OM go and block him from having any contact with her in the future and if OM were willing to let her and the child go in order to do what is best for the child I think her husband would be willing to raise the child as his own and create a life for him or her that would benefit the child, the mother and the rest of the family.

But as long as OM is in the picture the marriage is doomed and as long as she will not consider any option that removes OM from her life entirely then she will forever be living a fantasy of what might have been rather than doing what it takes to make her marriage work.

Recovery from an affair is hard enough without a daily reminder that one of the children you are raising is the result of that affair. To then require that OM be a continued presence in not only the life of the child but the mother as well says to me that she is only willing to do what she can to keep both men in her life. One, her husband, she expects to pay the bills, provide FS, FC, and all the "domestic" duties of husband while keeping OM around for the SF and emotional attachment.

In order to keep the child AND let OM have parental rights AND save her marriage will require that SHE have no contact with OM of any kind, that the child be shuttled back and forth and that OM ante up with helping provide for the child's future. (How about a college fund in the child's name that he or she gets when turning 18 or something like that. Maybe pay for the healthcare of the child till he or she is grown.)

The problem in this situation I think is that this woman has not let go of OM and is still in love with him. She is in fact willing to leave her husband now to run off with OM. And OM is willing to leave his wife to run off with her as well. This isn't even about the child to her or OM. It is still about what the affair was about all along, pure unadulterated selfishness. The affair isn't really over yet...

JMO

Mark

You hit the nail on the head! Couldn't sgree with you more! This time it's woman who wants to have her cake and eat it to.

I just hope that Icebiker can resolve the situation before the baby arrives. If he is still with her then, he would certainly form a bond with OC. A bond that W could take away at any moment to go be with OM.

I really feel bad for this guy. He's trying to do the right thing. I just don't think W is interested in saving the marriage.

She's on the fence right now, and will remain there as long as both men allow her to. What a sad situation............

awesome post, Mark!

Hurtmom, if you read the thread by A Pretty Face she gave up her OC for adoption to another family.

Really? Ididn't know that. That must have been a hard thing to do. But I still think it's not the same as giving up OC to OM and W.

She must have really wanted to save her marriage badly to do something like that. She must have had great courage and I give her a lot of credit for not being selfish.

If I make a statement that isn't true, please Faithful, correct me. I have not read everyones story, especially those posted in the past. It would take hours to read all the posts, and then I'd probably get them confused because there is so much detail to everyone's stories.

Hurt

I thank you all for your comments and frankness. I have told my wife about this post and some of the replies, but do not want to push her into reading it. Not sure how she would take it. I value learning from each of your experinces though. I am prepared for whatever comes and do agree with her that it is going to take a lot of work and sacrifices.

My goal is to have this all worked out soon and not delay it too long. Certainly not the 6 months till the baby comes. That will not be healthy for anyone. This is a big decision on her part and she is kinda being rushed into it. My thought to her was to give us three months. Cut out contact with him and really work hard to rebuild. If we find it is not working we will be no worse off and would know we tried. I am sure he will still be there for her since she has his child and that is what he is really after. I guess my only fear is that: does that give her an out? Will she always think that he will be there for her and will she give our relationship all it needs to try and rebuild? That is something I cannot answer. I feel we have been together too long just to give up at this point. But that is just my opinion.

Not sure if I did mention this: I did contact the lover and told him he needed to let his intentions be know to her. Unfortunantly he just threw it back in her lap to make a decision. Too much indecision on both of their parts.

What kind of marital problems were you having before you found out about her affair. I don't think 3 months is long enough to rebuild a marriage. Maybe enough for a start. I wish you luck.

I agree with you 100%. This baby is a connection to the OM and the WW is still in a fog. BS wants NC and raise the baby. WW wants to cake eat.
DD#1 was when he found out. IMO the big DD will be when that baby is born and the birth certificate is filled out. If this isn't ironed out by then it will be an even bigger mess. If the OM is put down as the father then the OP and his wife decide in the future to go NC the OM has parental rights. I may be mistaken but I thought the OM and his BS don't have kids. OM may be using the OP's WW to get the child he wants. The WW may be using the baby to hold on to the OM. Really sad.

I don't know where Icebiker and W live. But in my state, if the H is still married to the W and he's at the hospital with her, the state assumes he's the father and will put his name on the Birth Certificate.

If the W protests, then there would be a court ordered DNA test and the birth cert. will remain blank as to who the father is until it is proven through DNA.

I know this because I have researched it. My H was with OW when she had "Their" baby (puke) and since he was not married to her, he had to voluntarily admit he was the father for him to be on the birth cert. My stupid H signed the paperwork, leaving him wide open for whatever OW will throw his way in the future.

Once the BC has been processed, it's hard to go back and change it. You have to go to court to have names legally changed.

At times I actually can't believe this is happening to me.
I don't trust H, I don't trust OW to tell the truth about anything. I don't trust anybody right now. I can't even imagine the lies he has told his friends. They all know about the OC.

This past weekend we were at a party at H friend's house, Everyone was very nice to me, but I still felt like a fool, because they all know about everything, and I felt stupid and was wondering if they were thinking I was stupid for staying with him? The most terrible thing about any of us who are in these situations with affairs and OC, is that it will never go away! Ever! And I am so mad I could scream!