(((VL)))

What do you want?
Do you want an open marriage with OW on the side? If so, continue trying to reason with your WH. He will come home and continue to cake eat and everything can be hunky dorry.

Do you want a marriage with JUST you and a FWH? If so, then perhaps everytime your WH texts you to guilt you, text him back "I want a marriage with just two of us in it". Do not read his texts, do not discuss anything with him.

By this time, I am sure his lawyer has explained how this is likely to go down and this has WH shaking in his wallet. I believe this is the main reason he keeps trying to keep YOU on the fence.

He has not done anything, anything to earn his place in your family back. He is still trying to negotiate with you to keep OW around.

I never saw your planB letter so I can't say whether you made it clear to him:
A. You want the marriage and are willing to work the recovery WITH him
B. You will not tolerate OW in your lives ANY MORE

If you didn't make these points clear, put it on a post-it note on his door and GET DARK!

No more dealing with a WH, you don't need that in your life. You need a FWH, don't settle for less.

VL, sweetie your marriage is already over as long as WH stays with OW. Something has to change. He will continue on as he has for as long as you let him. It's called cake-eating.

You've taken a stand for your marriage by filing for divorce (sounds funny doesn't it?).

The temporary hearing is ONLY for your protection. Doesn't mean you're divorced.

Be strong. Come here often. We're here to support you.

Post this on your bathroom mirror, so that Monday morning when the panic attack starts, and you are tempted to cancel the hearing, you will remember that this is why you have to protect yourself, and your children.


You feel bad because you are a good mom, and a good wife. You are a loving, caring woman. You have empathy for people. You are the type of woman I like to have as a friend. If you lived near me, we would go out for coffee on a Saturday morning and have a lovely chat.

But right now, you have to step WAY outside of your comfort zone, and protect yourself, and your children. Put on your best Mama Bear face and attend that hearing Monday. Take a friend to sit with you.

Your WH is clearly trying to place the blame on you, don't let him. It is NOT your fault that you had to take this step. I wish I could smack him upside his head for saying that he is "still angry with you" for spending money on a lawyer.He has the power to stop this, at any time. But if he can not man up, and leave the OW for good, then he doesn not have the maturity to be able to recover your M.

Get your support crew to surround you Monday morning. Wear your best outfit. Look like a million bucks. I know how scary it is, but you will be so relieved when you follow through with this.

I had to face my ex in court about 2 years after the D - he was trying to lower his child support. I as scared to death - even two years later. But I did it. I took the stand that I will not be crapped on anymore!! And I am so glad I did.

Remember - just because you follow through with the temp hearing Monday, does not mean that you will end up divorced. He can still stop it.

Thank you guys for words of encouragement. I needed to hear that right now.

Since I'm suppose to stay dark and I'm trying - I don't return his txt msg anymore and I don't call him. And it was hard and I'm trying to keep myself busy and not think about him too much.

I spoke to my lawyer about my PlanB and of course wanting to perhaps work on my M if at all possible. So he wrote a letter and faxed it to his attorney. I needed to know if my WH is sincere and true to his words about it work. He did suggest seeing a MC but I'm not dropping the suit unless I can believe him. My lawyer is awesome. This is what he wrote to my WH's lawyer:

Dear WH's Attorney:

Please be advised my client will submit the following offer to settle the Temporary Orders Hearing.

The parties will be named Joint Managing Conservator’s of the children.
Both parties can live in the community residence jointly.

The parties agree to go to a marriage counselor picked by Mrs. VL.

Mr. VL would also have to agree not to move his 401K, stock options, or community funds without prior notice to Mrs. VL under pain of contempt.

He would also have to make full disclosure of any financial decisions he has made since January 1, 2007, including but not limited to stock options, the strike points on stock options, and/or any patents.

Mrs. VL is hopeful that this marriage can be saved and is willing to work towards a possible dismissal of this suit. Mr. VL needs to understand however that all actions taken will have to be made with complete transparency and open disclosure for such an event to take place.

Thank you for your attention to this letter.

P.S. If we are not able to settle this case, I have attached Mrs. VL's monthly family expenses. I intend to offer her monthly family expenses as a summary of testimony if we do proceed to a Temporary Orders hearing.


Sincerely,


VL's Attorney
Attorney at Law


I know that this is the last attempt for my WH to choose whether our M can survive. If he doesn't respond to my lawyer tomorrow then off to court we'll be on Monday.

I guessed my lawyer is my mediator right now - an expensive one - but one I don't have a choice. Either way - at least I know true to my heart where my WH stands. He kept asking me to drop but I need some security from him and I'm entitle to know what happened to our finances but at the same time I have to protect my future finances with our daughters.

By reading the letter - if you were in my WH's shoes - giving what you have understand about him - would you be offended by that letter from my lawyer?

My gut says that WH will read that letter and think "Great, I can move home, it will be cheaper, wifey will do my laundry and I can still see OW when things cool down".

Maybe I am just paranoid, BUT, I would feel better is you asked your attorney about Condonation as a defense for adultery. From what I understand, condonation means that you knew about the affair and still continued to have marital relations with WH, therby "condoning" his affair.

Maybe it doesn't make a difference, I don't know if adultery will mean anything in your divorce tactics.

I hope your WH gets his head out of his butt soon.

From my understanding - it is a "No Fault" state here - so adultery may have some affect on the case but not much. But what my lawyer expressed is if my WH truly wanting to make this work and it didn't and if he comes back to the OW - I still can contest my case and I won't loose anything. It proves that he is a liar.

I'm protecting our finances at the same time while we see if we can reconcile. I didn't want to drop the suit without having something in writing legally between us. Because I can't trust him and I can't trust his words. I can't trust him to disclose our finances situation without some form of legal agreement.

I can prove later on if he is not committed to our M and it will be a big penalty on him in front of the judge if the A is still going on. And judges don't like that when they see someone promising to work on a M and lied about it.

It's similar to having a judge ordered us to see a MC in the meantime.

Plus I'm doing this so that he has an option to choose since he likes to be in control and right now he's not - he's blaming me for everything - whatever he decides - this decision will remains on his conscience not on mine. So he has no excuses to blame it on me anymore and I can tell the girls that mommy did give him an option to choose and he chose not to save our M.

Awwww.....that's so SWEET!! Are you sure your attorney's name isn't Shiny?

I don't see any reason why your WH would be offended by that letter. It pretty much spells it right out. The ball is in his court now. He has no excuses.

I am glad you are protecting yourself and your kids. This letter was a really good idea.

Charlotte

Yep. Exactomundo.

Charlotte

Thanks for the additional info VL, sounds like you are in good hands then.

So court is Monday? WH has to accept these terms or go to court?

Keeping fingers crossed for you and yours.

Thanks Charlotte - yeah I didn't think my lawyer has a soft heart but he does - usually it's always straight to business every time I speak to him. But I'm glad he took this approach because he's protecting my girls and me.

Right now my WH is thinking really hard about his letter. He promised to see the girls and told them that he was suppose to stop by to visit them - But he didn't - didn't even call to tell them why.

My oldest daughter called and left him a msg on his phone. He didn't pick up. So I have a feeling that he is some what distraught by this letter.

He was expecting that I will drop it without a fight. Oh well - I think today I'm much stronger than before - what will come out of it - I will be OK. I believe in fate and destiny though

I accept for things I can change and accept things I can not change. I think there's a bible verse for that isn't it?

You are stronger. You will be okay. I believe in that also.



I think so. I remember it best from the little plaques that were around my grandparent's home...the Serenity Prayer...AA uses it, my grandpa was an alcoholic and when he quit he never looked back:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference."

There might be more to it but that was on the plaques-there were two that I remember a lot, one was one that I bought with a stained glass motif.

Anyway, yes, good for you, Milady!!

Charlotte

Just wanted to check in on you VL.

Any word? or are you going to court Monday?

Hi Jean, I'm not going to court - he agreed to all the terms and see a MC. But stated that he wants to stay in the apartment for a while.

My lawyer is typing up the agreement but I told him I need to know from him or his attorney as to when he's moving back. A Marriage doesn't work without him home. What's a while mean - 6 mons, 1 year, or 2 year. I can not do that anymore.

Our daughters deserve an answer and so do I. But for some reason today - I just felt like giving up my M. What hope am I waiting for? If he really want to make this M work - what's the big problem moving back home? I wondered what will a MC have to say about this situation - the living arrangement. I don't know.

I have never seen a MC before - have you????

They all say that MC does no good if one is in an active affair. Please make sure the MC knows, without a doubt, that your WH is having an affair.

Frankly, this doesn't sound good. The logical reason for him to stay in an apartment is to keep banging OW.

(Although, I personally believe, that sometimes, it is good of the affair runs its course so that a WS has no illusions of "what could have been". But, I don't think this is a belief that is shared by many-JMO).

And I did try MC, twice right after D-Day. exWH was either in heavy withdrawal or was still seeing OW. I was angry, he was shocked that I was still angry - afterall, it had been TWO WHOLE WEEKS!

Personally, I don't see any reason for you to come out of planB at this time. If you do go to counseling, I would do more listening than talking. The affair would have to be OVER before I would waste my time talking about the state of the marriage.

But always remember, I am divorced, so take my advice for what it is worth.

I do believe, however, that as long as you are willing to wait for your WH, he will probably be back. Once the rose has fallen off his bloom, or whatever he has going on over there, he'll come back. Your goal is not to start hating him while you wait.

Or, you could say "screw it" to his cake eating crap and play hard ball with him. But you don't sound like you are up for that yet.

It sounds like he has some major entitlement issues going on.

Jean, I do believe that's probably the reason why he said he's not moving back yet so that he don't have to come up with excuses or try to justify his reasons without me constantly checking on him.

And yes I am worried that MC will not help at all if the A is still going on. I did talk to the MC with the first consultation over the phone. She's very well aware of our situation - told her I have filed for "D". Drop the temporary suit to see perhaps our M can be save. My WH agreed to see a MC and this will be our first time.

I would like to sit there and just listen to his side of the story to MC but at times I'm sooooo angry, hurt and betrayed and the lies from him - I just want him to have it all. I want the MC to hear everything I have to say from a third point of view so he can realize how much he screwed up - how much he hurt me - how much pain he has brought to me and to our daughters and at times he show no empathy toward our family. WHy does he keep coming back to her when he said she means nothing.

So you that's precisely the point - I read SAA book and A will end at about 2 yrs. It's been a year already and I'm not sure if I can wait longer than that. It's hard - no doubt. Today was just one of those day where I said "screw it" - I don't deserve this. I deserve so much better than what he's able to give me. IT's driving me crazy.

I told myself - OK let's just wait until we make our first apt. to see a MC and see what she has to say - if there is hope or not - or our M is doomed. At least that way I know if I should keep going or just throw in the towel. I am there today Jean!!!!

Just try to remember, IF you go off on him at MC's office, he will believe that you will never get over it and he will have to listen to you harp about this affair forever.

I realize how stupid this sounds, especially when he is STILL having the affair. But always remember:
1. OW= warm, fuzzy, smiley
2. WIFE= angry, yelling, veins popping in her forehead.

You have to seem like a reasonable option to him.

I know! But it's sooooooo hard - that's why PlanA I completely failed because I couldn't take it anymore - be happy and expect nothing in return. I don't know how someone can last so long.



I blew up on him a few weeks before he moved out again. I remembered him saying "I don't get this grief from her". And yup - true about what you said about OW,

And last week when I kept reminding him about what he did with the OW. He did tell me "We will never get through this - will we?"

I will probably let him start the conversation when we see a MC this week and take it from there. I want to hear it from him first and see what he has to say. I will give him the upper hand in this one hopefully - he will open up to the MC. I want to know what his thoughts and feelings are.

As long as your not paying for the MC!

(Waywards words aren't worth much)

That might be a problem. He will expect me to pay for it. He was angry at me about that cash advanced withdrawal remembered.

I will have to let him know that we will have to go dutch on this one. See if he will agree or give me an angry outburst again.

You don't work, is that correct?

Is he paying your support/child support?