IBKR,

Since everything is so entangled perhaps a completely anonymous adoption would remove all ties.

No matter what happens remember that this child needs an identity and the truth. Even if it is just a written letter for the child.

A financial settlement of some kind from the biological father is needed no matter what. He will cheat again and his interest in this child will be diverted. So you need to get the settlement when the issue is still fresh.

My biological father did with anther woman and I know a girl I suspect is my half sister that I have never told.

God Bless
NJ

Icebiker already said that W is not giving the baby up.
He just wants OM out of their lives, which at this point in time seems hopeless.

HM2,

Understood, however my advocacy is for the child and what in MHO and experience is best for the child. I'm not entirely sure any two or three adults chosen from this group of four will produce a good domestic environment for the development of a sane human being. Not to mention the effect this is having on his COM, and can they afford an extra child.

Children have needs which should be considered ahead of the needs of adults, and I suspect IBKR might be the only adult there.

NJ

Newjersey, I agree. I don't remember him mentioning if he had any children with W or not.

ETA-My mistake, he did say they have a 7 year old. Poor kid is probably hearing things that a child should never have to hear.

Hurt

It sounds like the OM's wife is OK with the baby because she can't produce one for her husband and now Bikers wife has bascially acted like a surrogate and produced one. So of course she would want to be involved in the child's life!! The OM will stayed involved so you now know what your basically going to be dealing with longterm.

Icebiker

You have to do many things if you want to recover you marriage.

If you want the affair to end you must expose the affair to WW's parents and WW's siblings.

You must do a plan A. Do it for six months if can hold on that long. Do a plan A for at least three months. Purpose is to show WW how you have changed for the better. Do not smother or act clingy. It makes you unattractive to her because you will appear weak.

At the end of the plan A period you must go to plan B. Which is NC, no contact, with the WW is she has not stopped her affair, sent the OM a NC letter, and is NC with the OM.

Tell the WW that you want to recover the marriage, but must have NC with her until she goes NC with the OM. Being that she is still seeing the OM that she has to leave the house and you want custody of the COM, children of the marriage.

Under no circumstances are you to leave your home or let WW take away the COM. It will hurt your chances of getting what you need when it comes time to go to court.

As for dealing with the OC and OM.

Laws are changing but usually because the OC will be born when you are still married to your WW you are the legal dad. Do not give up this right if you want to recover your marriage. Because you will need to keep the OM away from your WW.

How can one force their WW to give away her OC? Can't.
How can one force their BH to accept an OC? Can't.

Being you are willing to raise the OC your WW should be able to meet you halfway going NC with the OM and not sharing custody or visitation with the OM.

Some may say that you should have the OM pay CS. This some perceive as good financial strategy. But it does the worst thing in the world. It opens the door for the OM to get some form of custody and always have contact or try to have contact with WW. Not good. If you have read here for years you would of seen the number of PA's that restarted because NC could not be maintained.

Also one BH here decided it was best for the OM to be brought to court for CS. He got his CS. But he has a WW that I believe would of been happier now with NC instead of the CS. Now there is the constant reminder of what happened with the constant custody exchanges and the baggage that that brings.

It sounds like IB may not have a choice about OM and OMW being involved. They don't have a child together and they want this child to be that child for them.

Even thought IB may be the legal father in the eyes of the law, OM can petition for paternity and force his way into visitation. Most OM are not that motivated, especially if they have to pay CS and the lawyers fees to make it happen. So, if OM is deemed the father by DNA and goes to court for visitation, it will likely happen. Not good for IB and his marriage.

If they can get the marriage strengthened and agree on their strategy to survive this before any interaction with OM/OC, they might be able to make it work. but it will be super hard on IB for awhile.

I guess his wife needs to get on board with saving the marriage first and staying away from OM to give it a chance. I hope she will for IB's sake. He is one of those unusual men who will try and make this work and raise the OC as his. Commendable, but extra hard if OM insists on being an "extra" dad.

I am so sorry IB that this has happened to you. I hope your wife gets a clear picture of what she is doing ASAP. You seem like you are willing and able to make changes for your marriage. I hope she will, too.

LBelle

"It sounds like IB may not have a choice about OM and OMW being involved. They don't have a child together and they want this child to be that child for them."


Icebiker has a choice. Not to roll over and be a door mat. He can fight this.


"Even thought IB may be the legal father in the eyes of the law, OM can petition for paternity and force his way into visitation."


OM can not force any thing. OM can only spend money, maybe money he doesn't have to spend. It is for the court to demand what has to be done. IB is the legal dad. The court has to take that away from him. There is nothing automatic about that happening.


"So, if OM is deemed the father by DNA and goes to court for visitation, it will likely happen."


Still not an automatic done deal for the OM.

Their was a post here about Ricketts vs Rhodes paternity case.
This is the post's title: KY Court rules father is husband not affair partne

WW pregnant by OM. WW and BH decide to recover their marriage and deny OM access to OC. OM has paternity test proving that OM is the OC's bio dad. Case went to that states supreme court. Court upheld ruling that the BH is still the legal dad to the OC. OM has been denied custody and visitation.

The Fat Lady has not sung yet for Icebiker.

The Road........I'm not sure where you live or what your laws are in your state, but OM can certainly be in this OC life if he wants to do it legally. Sounds like from IB's W he might not even have to do anything legally, she'll let him be a part of OC life voluntarily.

I agree that the H will be declared the legal father, but that can always be overturned in court.

This is not a situation where H has been raising the OC with W as his own for two years, and then OM finds out OC is his.

If that were the case, it would be decided what would be best for the child. But this OM is involved right from the beginning.

I'm sure he will do everything in his power to be a part of OC life, and I don't think IB's W is going to make it too difficult for him.

One thing I am curious about...........it seems as if OMW is fine with all of this. Isn't she angry or feeling betrayed by H for having the affair and getting OW pregnant???

Hurt

I think a factor in that type of case was how old the kid was and how long they were being raised by the Husband. If the courts believes that too much time has elapsed and the child has bonded with the Dad and the Bio father didn't request DNA or visitation in the first year or two, that is was in the best interest to maintain the current relationship.

The court should and usually does honor the DNA request if visitation is not granted by the parents if done early and not well after the fact. I have heard of some cases where the Bio dad did not know until the kid was older and immediately petitioned the court but his request was still denied due to time.

The way this has been set up so far....the Bio should be successful in getting at least a DNA and then visitation based on that.

I do not know the law of Icebikers state. Unless you know the laws in his state and have pass that states bar and certified to practice law their and also to be qualified to be a judge there. Then you do not have the knowledge to speak with 100 percent certainty, or even say most likely.

Look at the thread that I have refered to. The OM had a DNA test done soon after the birth and fought for custody and visitation from the beginning. This OM lost in court.

I do not know what chance this BH has. It is worth trying to do everything to keep this OM away from his WW. If this BH hopes to recover his marriage.

In defense of inlikeflynn...........The road, Do you have the knowledge to speak with 100% certainty? I doubt it. And you are only talking about one court case that you have heard of that OM didn't get visitation. I'm sure there's more.

What has happened to you that you feel so strongly about this situation?

Road, were you referring to me with this statement?

...........Also one BH here decided it was best for the OM to be brought to court for CS. He got his CS. But he has a WW that I believe would of been happier now with NC instead of the CS. Now there is the constant reminder of what happened with the constant custody exchanges and the baggage that that brind..................

if not it is pretty accurate as to what happened in our situation. what i didn't fore see was the difficulty my w would have dealing with c and cs. it most definately slowed down recovery.

from my viewpoint i don't have any idea what would have happened had we gone any other way tho.

icebiker, I am both sorry and glad you found this site. sorry for the fact you need to be here and glad because you will get sound advice have a place to vent here

what i see as the problem here has already been brought to your attention. the fact that you are the only one who seems to want a marriage with just you and your w. and i could give a rats patute about what om or omw wants. the only thing that is important is what you and your w want.

your w is in a thick fog and until the sun shines thru your chances are not good at recovering this marriage.

Road gave you some good advice about plan A and plan B. i can tell you this that a very strong plan A with a hint of plan B was the 2x4 that my w needed to wake up.

The road, Do you have the knowledge to speak with 100% certainty?

Yes. Because this case is not a slam dunk for either side.
That is why Icebiker should not roll over for his WW and the OM.
Icebiker should fight for what he wants.

I wondered when you were going to Pop Up.

"if not it is pretty accurate as to what happened in our situation. what i didn't fore see was the difficulty my w would have dealing with c and cs. it most definately slowed down recovery."

I was not trying to fault you for doing what you did. You did what you thought was the best thing to do at the time. I brought your story up because a earlier post on this thread advised Icebiker to take OM to court for CS.

From reading here on MB. It has shown that the benefits from NC out weigh the money received for CS. I wanted Ice to be aware of this.

Sorry to hear that your recovery has stalled. Have you talked to your WW about what the both of you could do to get it moving again?

Road, Never said it was a slam dunk for either side. It will be a long haul for IB. Question for you.............what credentials do you have that you can say that you know with 100% certainly what will happen?

Are you a laywer who has passed the barr like you asked me?
Are you a family court stenographer and around these situations daily?

How would you know what the laws are in IB state? I don't know where he lives, do you?

I understand your point about C and CS vs. NC and the rebuilding of the marriage.

IceBiker..........you hang in there. I'm a SAHM, and am available to talk if you need to.

Hurt

HM

It's called reading comprehension.

I have never guaranteed the outcome.

Road-Whatever................ :RollieEyes:

Guess what??? I can read TOO!!!!!

You showed great maturity with your low-blow!

IB,
Courts are unpredictable, just like people. Judges have discretion in any court. They follow the law, but will do what they think is fair.....whether it is or not. That is what 4 years involvement in forums with OC issues and a trial lawyer H has taught me.

OM might be awarded visitation, he might not. It ultimately will be up to you and W what your marriage will look like, or if it will continue. You will have to weigh the potential outcomes of decisions you make and decide what you can live with and what you want.

Pops, can give you the low down on joint custody and how it might turn out. Others stories have turned out differently. But they rarely go smoothly with an OM/OW in the picture, with sharing OC. It just creates drama, much of the time.

Take care.

road no offense taken. i was just checking that it was me you were referring to. as for our recovery being stalled i don't know if i would characterize it that way. i think it just threw more wrenches into the mix. which in turn caused us to step back more often then a nc situation would have had.

as far as IB situation goes. from his words about how everyone is willing to give up everyone just to have the oc taken care of is crazy.

and from my own experience i can tell you that his w will never live peacefully with omw trying to parent her child. this was the biggest draw back for fh and myself. fh and omexw hated each other and their constant ire for each other caused many sebacks.

omexw would constantly try and make fh look incompetent which in turn caused fh to respond.

hurtmom,,,,,,,,, i think that many here have been thru the ringer and heard so many stories that although they certainly may be no experts with phd's in the field BUT they also certainly have some pretty sound basis for the opinions expressed.

my wife gave birth to 7 kids. 5 of which were delivered by male dr's. no wthey sure as heck had no experience giving birth but definately had a sound basis for giving her information on what to expect.