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This is a new post from my first post. I feel like I am going crazy! So H had the A. Left the home since May 8th. You can view my other post to see all the details. But in a jist he's angry, drinking, crazy and blames it all on me. So here's the newest. By the way I am not in Plan B. He wanted to come by the house on Saturday after son's game to use tools and clean my air filter on my car and look at the brakes. This request sent me into tears. Does he think I want my air filter to be clean, my breaks done and to hang out and be friends? So I called him and nicely said fine come over but I would like you to know how I feel about it if your going to come over. I tell him you want to do this work on my car and then drive home to the OW and crawl into bed with her at the end of the day. I tell him I don't want my car fixed I want my Marriage and my H. I say that I am uncomfortable with it, and that I should learn how to function on my own, but that his gesture was a very sweet and thoughtful thing. Anyways he blew up in a fit of rage cussed me out and hung up. Last week H tells me to go ahead and by Disneyland tickets for my son's 10th bday. He texts my D17 last night and say he wasn't invited but that he would put aside everything so we can hang out together at Disneyland for my son's Bday. WHAT?!??!?! I don't want to act as if we are a family and then at the end of the day he is going to crawl into bed with the OW. I mean is this cake eating? Am i crazy?? Should I be allowing him to come over and do these things? I did however tell him to let me know what day I can have son meet him to visit for his bday. He then of course texts my D17 that no one can stop him from going anywhere or doing anything. My D17 says, dad mom just wants to live her life without you right now. he rants well how is she going to do that when I pay for everything. He has stopped for the last 3 weeks sending D17 text pictures of himself shirtless thank God. But is showing up at the games and taking his shirt off because he's "working on his tan". Oh Lord Mid-Life crisis. I am not trying to be cold or mean to my H. I just don't want to pretend that the OW is not in this picture or that he is not living with her while fully married to me. By allowing him over I feel like all I have is my self respect and setting some boundaries for myself and I'm just ignoring it. OR do you think I should allow him to go? I have friends say yes he should go so he can see what he's missing but knowing my H he will stay like this forever with both of us. I've read Dr. Dobson's Love must be tough and he says if you appease them then your really doomed in his experience. Then I read the Divorce Remedy and some of those friends think I should let him. Please give me advice or tell me if I'm nuts....Help  I'm open to any suggestions as I have no clue what's right anymore, I don't want to make things worse-funny as If I can he already lives with her since August.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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Sounds like you should have already gone to Plan B before you reached this place. Since you didn't, I would recommend going to a very short Plan A. Even 3 weeks of Plan A would be better than diving into Plan B with things the way they are between you.
I think you should let him work on your car, and thank him and admire him plenty for it. I think you should ask him to come to Disneyland with you, and make sure it is a fun trip for him.
Be the wife you want him to miss.
The danger is not in him becoming a cake-eater. Actually you want him to become a cake-eater. The only problem comes for people who don't have the strength to COMPLETELY cut off the cake supply when it's time. I don't think you're in that category.
If you go to Plan B now, your M may still be salvaged. If you can do even a very short Plan A, and then go into a hardcore pitch black Plan B, your chance of saving your M leaps to a near surety.
That's what I advise as ideal. What are you going to be able to do, physically and emotionally?
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Good Lord, Woman!!
You should be in Plan B!!!! You sound like you are at the end of your rope and about to have a nervous breakdown!!
Are you in Plan A? I will go back and read your other threads later I have to finish a paper for school right now.
Like you, my WH-Mr. Gray is living with his girlfriend. I'm lucky that I went to B before that happened.
Breath, Milady, breeeeeeaaaaathe!! I don't want to see you end up in the hospital over this!!
Take care,
Charlotte
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I agree with Neak. Have you read all of the material suggested on this site? Do plan A, let him enjoy the trip with your son, THEN go to a plan B...draw up a plan B letter, post it here first for pointers, when it's ready, then give it to him and disappear to him...let him see what life will be like totally without you. But it's much more effective after plan A. Being as he still wants to do things for you, spend time with you/family, you have a good chance of recovering this if you want it. That's what you need to decide...do you want it?
Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I do still want the marriage, at this point at least. Each day that does by it gets smaller, but for now yes.
My H and I really have no contact for the most part. I do not call, text or email unless he has asked some specific question. So although we are not in a Plan B there is hardly any communication. Maybe 1 or 2 times a month via email only, but since 2 weeks ago have had to see him do to sons football games.
You can read my 1st post on all the details if you'd like.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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I do still want the marriage, at this point at least. Each day that does by it gets smaller, but for now yes.
My H and I really have no contact for the most part. I do not call, text or email unless he has asked some specific question. So although we are not in a Plan B there is hardly any communication. Maybe 1 or 2 times a month via email only, but since 2 weeks ago have had to see him do to sons football games.
You can read my 1st post on all the details if you'd like. Having little to no contact is not a substitute for Plan B. Plan B protects YOU. It takes away his power over you so you don't have to feel this way all of the time. The difference in you now and you in Plan B makes a HUGE difference psychologically. You are removed from the drama. The WS cannot play sick little mind games with you. You should seriously consider B for your sanity. When you take away the fact that he can contact you anytime he wants to it makes a big difference there as well. He no longer has that choice. You are in control. And after about three weeks you feel SO much better you can hardly believe it! And it gets even better as time goes on. Meanwhile, in the pig sty, where the pigs roll in the mud and rut all day, the bloom starts to fall off of the rose. WS starts to realize his terrible error. But he can't do anything about it until he meets the conditions of your PBL. Think about it. Charlotte
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Only you know what you can tolerate. But I will tell you that it will make the OW furious if he is spending lots of time working at your home, and going to Disneyland. It really makes them insecure.
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Doing a "little bit" of Plan B is worse than no Plan B at all. Either or. You gotta either be in Plan A or in Plan B, not switching back and forth. Being mostly no contact except for every now nd then just keeps the fantasy alive and prolongs your agony.
For some reason he still feels the need to contact you every now and then. Whether it's to feel good about himself, how he's "being nice" to you, or if you're meeting some EN of his, or even just to reinforce that you're the bad guy here, (you aren't, but maybe he needs to believe you are in order to feel ok with him being with the OW; so even an argument with you feeds a need of his). In Plan B, you would remove that opportunity, forcing him to turn to the OW to meet ALL his needs and for him to face the reality of what he's doing. That is when the fantasy bubble would burst.
But before you go into Plan B, make sure you've thought it out and have a good plan. Like Neak said, you need at least a brief Plan A, so you will leave him with good memories of what life with you *could* be like. Then work on your Plan B letter, post it here and let ppl suggest how to say things. Work out the details of childcare, visits, finances; and who will be your intermediary. Plan a great last time together. Maybe this Disneyland trip could be it. Then give him the PBL and GO DARK.
me - 47  H - 39  married 2001 DS 8a  DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Ok I think I'm going to do it.
Your right only I can decide how much to take and I can't take much more. I have been pretty much silent and not reaching out to him but its not working. He does start arguments and tells daughter 17 I annoy him although I rarely see him and conversations are minimal. Its like he hates and annoys himself so much he projects it on me. He drinks all the time and is angry all the time. Its ridiculous.
Ok so Plan tips, please?? I'm going to let him fix the car and go to Disneyland(Oct 9th next Thursday). Lord help me I am so nervous around him because he told D17 he watches me closely-why?? I didn't even make self available during July when he visited the kids at the house. Just went about my business. I get so nervous when he's around I can hardly look at him. Anyways Plan A tips- I need em. How much is too much. Lets say he comes to house and fixes car. Do I offer dinner etc?
Ok Disneyland what there? I know it sounds lame but we have been apart for 5 months and the only time he did come around he was critical but only in rude comments to D17.
Then Plan B. I have no idea of a plan B letter. Is there a sample? Was it in the book? I don't remember seeing it. I need an example.
Do you think its wise to use my H's brother to be the contact? He doesn't talk to them because they are not supporting him.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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If it was me I would have everything smelling great (including me!) when he got there, thank him before and after fixing the car, and then offhandedly say, "You're welcome to stay for supper."
As far as Disneyland, it's a great place to be bubbly and happy since there's so much to distract you from the fact that he's turned into a BIG FAT DONKEY la la la it's a small world after all... Anyhoo, it's a good place to shine. Some light flirtatious touching, bend over in front of him a few times, lean over so he can catch a tiny naughty peek of cleavage, just some little things. Grab onto his arm a few times, and if possibe go on a few of those cute little rides where you sit in front of him between his legs.
Believer is so right - OW's hate hate hate for their pet aliens to even think about their wives and families, never mind ~gasp~ actually spending time with them! For some reason they seem to worry that their "soulmate" match won't be able to withstand a little bit of contact with the wifey-poo. Strange...
You can do this!
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Do all that Neak said and dont talk about the relationship at all. Be happy happy happy and show no sadness or anger at all. Bite your tongue, but be lovely, wonderful, happy, bubbly and charming.
Then when its all over come here and vent.
Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday 
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Do all that Neak said and dont talk about the relationship at all. Be happy happy happy and show no sadness or anger at all. Bite your tongue, but be lovely, wonderful, happy, bubbly and charming.
Then when its all over come here and vent. leave hickeys on his neck BIG ONES
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LOL, Ok I'm not sure how the heck I'm gonna be able to do that. He pretty much hates me. I can't figure out why. I should be the one that hates him.
How am I supposed to get close to him when we haven't hardly talked, or seen one another for the last 5 months and he can't stand me.
My sister in law thinks I'm crazy for considering it. She thinks he shouldn't have his cake and eat it too.
But ok another biggie. What if the OW never knows that he is at my house fixing my car or going to Disneyland? How is she supposed to know. I'm sure he'll lie to her too.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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If you are cheerful and upbeat, maybe he will spend more time with you and the kids. You'll need to try it to see. But I also suggest a rather short Plan A so you don't lose your love for him.
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Ok I did it, the Start of my 1 week of Plan A. I'm going to go into Plan B right after probably by Oct 12th my son's b-day.
Told him via text tonight he could come fix the car on Friday and do some chores around the house, mentioned I was thinking about the Disneyland thing, he seemed very surprised and excited. I'm so nervous and scared. He's going to be angry again when I go into Plan B. He says I control him now, whats he gonna say then? He thinks that when I say hey that's not ok for me I'm controlling him. I don't know where he gets that as he's living his life and I don't bother him. What ever.
It's hard to be yourself when someone is putting you under a microscope. {{Sighs}}. I've done a lot of things but being in the presence of someone who doesn't like you and has been so horrible and rage filled to you after exposure just makes it hard, but I'm gonna do it.
Ok help. Need Plan B sample letters I don't even know what they should say. Can I find it on the Marriage Builders website.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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He's going to be angry again when I go into Plan B. He says I control him now, whats he gonna say then? He thinks that when I say hey that's not ok for me I'm controlling him. Yeah, but dassn't matter. You will be in Plan B and you won't know if he is angry or not. Nor will you care. I'll see if I can find my B letter for you to sample. Charlotte
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Found it:
Dearest Husband Jonesy,
This letter will be the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write in my life but I must write it. I am beyond sad and upset about what has become of us, our friendship and our marriage. I must write this letter to you in order to convey this message that is of utmost importance.
Ever since we met and began dating, progressing to engagement and then our wonderful marriage…our time together has been filled with an endless number of kisses, hugs, smiles, laughter and tears. “The Good, The Bad & The Ugly,” but always The Beautiful…the way we took care of each other through good times and bad and stood up for one another against every foe. I have loved every minute of life with you, our life together.
I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you. My addiction, my health problems, including my depression, drove a wedge into our marriage. I need you to know that I NEVER intended to hurt you or push you away from me.
The pain of your relationship with Slag has been unimaginable. I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone in the world, even those who have hurt me beyond measure. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don’t want that to happen.
It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with Slag or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision.
In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact MelodyLane, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with Slag completely, please contact me and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.
I am committed to our marriage. I believe we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have ever experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart and soul.
Your Loving Wife,
Charlotte
Hope this helps! It was working great for me until I had to break Plan B thanks to a court order (not intended to break B but to have Mr. Gray (WS) help me work on inventory). Now I'm in Plan W(hatever) and we're headed to trial. LOL!
Charlotte
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Boy you move fast!  If Disneyland is coming up so soon, you need a crash course in self esteem. You need to exude confidence. You need to be comfortable in yourself, confident that you are going to be ok with or without him, knowing that you are building a terrific life for yourself... and if he's smart, he'll join you. If he ain't smart, his loss - someone else will benefit from the awesome person and wife you are about to become. This stuff works, and this stuff rocks. For real. If he comes back or if he doesn't, you are gonna be one awesome person once we're done with ya. You can make choices to have the life you want. You can make good choices for your life. Do you feel it? Confidence is attractive. Nervous isn't. You don't need to be nervous around him. Do you know what his top ENs are? Can you make a plan to meet those? Are there any changes he's asked you to make, or things he's complained about?
me - 47 H - 39 married 2001 DS 8a DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy: (Why is DS7b now a blockhead???) (Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Here is my PBL. My Dear Husband,
Everything I have said to you about how much I love you, and the hope I have for the restoration of our family has been true. Even with the revelations I have received, I still love you with all my heart and want for us to have a chance to repair our relationship. You have been able to see the changes I have already made in an effort to make our family stronger, and no matter what happens I have become a better person for it. Though I am not perfect (yet), I have made many improvements in the way I run the household, make time alone with you a priority, and you know very well about my new lack of inhibitions in expressing my love for you. You can help me, and together we can build a new and better marriage that will be a solid foundation for our children, and a source of joy for the two of us. We owe it to our family to try.
I told you from the beginning that I would not pressure you into a timeline to make your decision between Gargamel and me, and I am not doing that now. You may not realize what I have endured because of your decision to continue your relationship with Gargamel. Yes, I know that the difficult situation we are in now is just a symptom of the problems that already existed in our marriage, and that we both carry a share of the blame for that. Still, nothing is so wrong that it cannot be fixed if we both work together.
It has become too painful for me to continue to see or talk to you while you continue your relationship with Gargamel. I love you so much, but that love is being terribly damaged by the pain of knowing you are with someone else. Thus I am separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain until you are ready to commit to rebuilding our family, free from your entanglements with another woman. Again, this is not about assigning blame, or me rejecting you. I am still willing and eager to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband.
Until you decide to recommit to our marriage and family, please do not communicate directly with me. You may see and talk to the children as much as you like—email Neaksis at my email address to set this up (she uses it more than I do anyway), or make arrangements through your mom. J*** can be our mutual contact for anything regarding the business.
I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way, but please remember at every moment that I would much rather rebuild our marriage. The children and I are the ones who can help you learn to be truly happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent part of you, and we have so many good memories to carry us through the hard times ahead. I look forward to the time when we can reach out and meet each other’s needs, when you decide to recommit to our marriage. The door to my heart is open to you whenever you are ready to come back. The path is simple: end all contact with Gargamel for the rest of our lives, (I will help you write the letter and send it), and then we can talk about what it will take to shape a secure future for our family, one in which we will never need to separate like this again.
I want to be your best friend again, always there when you need me. I want you to be there for me, too, and I eagerly wait for the day when that hope can become a reality.
I love you dearly,
Notso
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Hey I forgot to ask you all, do I mail this PBL via postal service or send email. I have the address to their new place, dumb mistake on his part.
I thought I read somewhere sending a letter to OW letting her know my intentions to fight for the marriage.
Oh yeah when he is around for the next 12 days off and on, should I care if she calls his cell phone? I noticed on the cell phone bill when he visited the kids during July that she called and he took the calls.
Great I have access to the cell phone bill. He kept all our phones on the same plan. I really want to call every number on their and tell them the truth because I know her friends and family numbers are on their too. But guess it would be a waste of time.
Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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