"I have occasional dreams about my ex. The funny things is that on a day to day basis I rarely even think of her anymore. And if I do, it is in relations to something about the kids."

Thank goodness I don't have to deal with the xh about the kids anymore! They're grown and the ex lives a whole state away!!

Guess I'm still working on letting go of the feelings for my xf. I walked out because I knew it was "good for me" (Dr. H said it sounded like a relationship headed for abuse and control - then I found out he was a SA) still wish he would have been willing to work on his problem instead of porn and sleeping around.

I'd suggest putting the problem on the guys you are potentially interested in. No man should be very surprised to find that women out of their 20s have probably been hurt by someone in their past. (And therefore have cause for concern.) I think it is reasonable to expect to provide some bona fides that you are an adult and not someone who goes around leaving a wake of destruction behind.

Expecting copies of tax returns and a criminal background check might be a bit extreme. But a motivated decent chap ought to be able to come up with an endorsement from some woman in his life (e.g., spouse of a married guy friend), proof of a stable job, etc...

If his friend's wives think poorly of him, or he doesn't have a stable job, or he won't go out of his way to put you at ease, why would you be interested? Real men won't be scared off by a woman who sets the bar high. (In fact I think there was a book some years back called "The Rules", which if I understand correctly, encouraged women to think along those lines.)

- WG

Sigh, I have not been very diligent at this internet dating thing. I signed up for a while and all I got were men who boasted way too much about themselves. Some were just bored.. they have no interests, no hobbies and probably watch tv all day. They have no preference for any type of females as long as they are slim and pretty. I didn't write back to any of them. Oh, I even found my very married branch manager there. He stated his status as 'single'.

Woundedgentlemen, thank you for your suggestion. It makes sense. Yes, a decent chap would include me in his circle of friends and family, and I can should be able to get a third party point-of-view on his past.

I have to change my way of thinking about relationships. I tend to keep my relationships away from my family and have very singular that-guy-and-me type of relationships. My shortest relationship is about a year and a half and my longest, seven years. During these relationships, I rarely get to integrate into my guy's circle of friends or family.

My exH had multiple affairs. I didn't find this out till seven years into our marriage. He started his affairs in year two. He is a very sociable, likeable person. He makes people feel at ease and I have never known him to have a misunderstanding or a tiff with anyone. At home, he is the treasured and beloved son. With his cousins and uncles, he is the adorable youngest. Done well with his career and well, he has everything good to show.

But beneath the exterior, he has a huge mount of debt. His wife (me!) paid for the mortgage and other home expenses while his income goes to his luxury car and luxury brands for himself and gifts and holidays for his girlfriends. We fought a lot. One day while fighting about his portion of monetary contribution to the household, he asked if I am calling him a freeloader. Till this day, when I recall that moment, I know now that that has been what he is doing and he realizes it. And he has hid his affairs very well. He is open about being married and oh, it's the classic story about not happy, going to leave his wife soon, but in real fact has no intention to. Who would, if they had free lodging and good home cooked food every night?

So now he is back in the workforce, in a new job and I can imagine him charming young girls in his new office. His elderly mom is in another state, and so are his cousins. He made new friends during our separation and divorce, I don't know if any of them know that he has been married. Now I am not saying that people don't grow and change, but my X is amazingly good with words. He knows exactly how to assure a woman but his actions are the opposite. Exactly like the second son in the parable of two sons in Matthew. Even his excuses are believable and makes you want to help him.

How do you 'background check' a person like this? A friend, even if he or she knew that he divorced because of adultery would not tell -- because they are friends and friends stick together.

While we were married, I knew a couple of his childhood friends who are now married but continue seeking sex with prostitutes and I also knew one of my own guy friends sleeping around, but because I was not close to their wives, I just keep quiet to preserve the friendship. We all put a happy front. Ugh.

I've been on the personals on and off for about 2 years and was about ready to give up - getting all kinds of unwanted contacts.

In those 2 years, I've worked on myself, worked on my house and landscaping and just hung out with my friends and enjoyed my kids...all the while believing that there was someone out there for me. I never gave up on my standards of who/what I was looking for - passed up a few that would've made "someone" happy, but they weren't for me. Was even labeled by a few of my close friends as being "picky". I'm gonna remain to be "picky".

However, I was contacted from a man in Michigan, I'm from Indiana. We've been corresponding for about 7 weeks, talked on the phone just a few times. I finally get to meet him tomorrow! Whether or not it goes anywhere, remains to be seen, but I do have to encourage you not to give up...there has to be someone out there looking for you!

How do I know he "checks out"? He's worked for the state of Michigan for 15 years, and they've already done the background checking! lol.

OMG!! OMG!!

Guess who I spotted on the dating site this morning!

The fella I had a schoolgirl crush on. The type of crush that stops you in your tracks and melts all your innards and brains.



He also happens to be xWH's ex-colleague and a BS himself.

Oooo he looks so cute in his profile photo. My brains are frozen.

Well, turns out that my schoolgirl crush guy doesn't write back.

But, I have been communicating with another guy on almost a daily basis, he's very attractive in the looks department, divorced for 10 years, highly intelligent (technically and philosophically) and well, makes me laugh.

It has been three weeks and we have not met up yet. I like the way it is going, I like the old fashioned way of discovering each other before meeting up.

There has been a couple of times when I fear losing my single life. Also, I don't know if it is me being too paranoid about the few red flags that has popped up on this guy, but maybe it's too early to tell.

And yes, suddenly I have to make time to fit in a relationship... two to three hours on the phone is a lot!

Ruff,

Let me know if things don't work out and you want to hang out with an average guy who is in the process of a divorce who isn't very bright but has a bubbly personality. I also sport an overly affectionate dog, a bit of credit card debt and a shoulder tick. Other than that...I'm charming.

In all sincerety...good luck...hope it all works out.

CRM

LOL CRM!

Shoulder tick could be interesting!

Col, you made my day!

The pickings on my local matchmaking website are very slim and most men don't write back. In fact, I am feeling a little miserable this morning because the attractive technical philosopher and I have not spoken for three days and I am going away for the long weekend.

Do guys need encouragement all the time? I'm confused. It looks like I need to initiate contact with philosopher before he starts talking. But when he talks, he talks a lot - our first voice conversation was four hours. He is very affectionate and endearing and tells me he misses me if I don't write or call him*. But it works the other way round too! In fact, I thought guys like to be the ones to pursue.

I can't figure this guy out. Any help will do.

Sad Ruff

*Maybe he is one of the guys who is very good with words, openly affectionate and I am just very smitten by his many verbal bouquets. I am lost!
I should just settle with an average guy with a good sense of humor, lots of affection and grow old gracefully together. I'm made simple.

Hmmm

I'm not sure you could catagorize all men...especially someone who calls themselves a 'technical philosopher.' Some people will wait to have someone initiate conversation...always. My sister is like that...she'll lament that someone hasn't called when maybe he's waiting on the call.

Who could argue with a 4 hour phone conversation; there had to be a lot of chemistry there.

It won't hurt for you to continue to initiate until you get a clear understanding of what side of the fence he's on. It would be terrible to blow a good thing with guessing games.

Good luck,

CRM

Over the last few days I have initiated a few contacts via email and online chat, but he does not pick up.

It's strange isn't it? We started off very well, flirting, emailing, chats and long phone calls every night, then towards my weekend away, he turns off all taps and would not reply my emails and makes himself unavailable... I just don't understand! And I think it is cruel... is this traits of passive aggressive behaviour?

Sigh.

he's probably married or living with someone...just my guess

LOL!

I should just stop obsessing and move on.

Good idea!!!

His loss. Red Flag. If I found a single woman attractive I would not avoid her.

You could stop obsessing, that would be a good start. Does he know that you're going out of town? Perhaps he's making other plans with someone who will be in-town. There is no right or wrong in his choice in doing so. From in internet perspective it's possible to initiate multiple threads of varying interest and it becomes a juggling act of setting priorities based upon the most amount attention being received at the moment versus who is rated as having the most overall apparent value. When the better offer comes along, lesser priorities are shelved, either temporarily or permanently. Hence, the investment of the long up-front getting to know you period is often a waste of time and phone minutes. You'll know 90% of what you'll need to know about another person within the first 5-minutes of meeting them in person. All the rest is prelude and may actually preclude having anything to talk about in person. Limit the calls to arranging the meets. Text when possible. Less is more. The needy always demand more, the confident get by with less.

Also, an important point that took me some time to learn is that everyone is free to choose who they want and if they don't choose you its fully in their prerogative not to and there is no harm nor foul in doing so. The same goes for you. Low expectations make for better dating. Not everyone you'll meet will add value to your life, and then most can add value as a friend but most people are not emotionally mature enough to see the benefit in that. Not everyone you meet will yield a mutual romantic interest for you. The emotionally immature will have irrational reactions, the emotionally mature will consider if there is a possibility that the person could add some sort of value in a non-romantic fashion. Not every one has the possibility of being "the one".

Date smarter.

Yes booka!

Thank you for the reminder

Good luck with the internet dating. I found it was really the ONLY way to date as a single mother who works full-time and didn't want to hook up at bars and couldn't go to church with the mindset to meet men. I kind of went to actually listen to the sermon. LOL.

Anyway, I went on tons of dates. Had a few relationships. Then I met my guy. We've been happily married since June.

If something doesn't work out, don't sweat it. It wasn't meant to be. God has a plan and the one for you will present when the time is right. In the meantime, have a blast. ((((hugs))))

Loni

Thanks for the encouragement Loni.

I didn't get a lot of responses and haven't gone on a single date! I did want to meet up with a guy after a couple of emails and phone calls, but the last phone call made me so uncomfortable, I decided not!

Anyways, I have about 6 weeks left from my subscription and decided not to take this too seriously. Last night I changed my profile-- made it sound very funny and casual. If I am not getting many responses, I might as well use it as a test base to see what kind of writing/profile makes me most attractive, and what kind of man it would attract! It's the same info about me, just presented in a very different manner.

Wish me luck. After a slice of the possibility of having someone, I feel some emptiness. If I hadn't started all this, I wouldn't have known what I missed. It would be nice to have someone to talk to or cuddle up when I am very stressed or tired and need some pampering!

I have another question, since you mentioned God.

I specified that I am looking for Christians only, but none of the people whom I get from the internet are Christians.

My picker keeps pointing to the wrong persons. Like in my twenties, I am still attracted to those with a little kink to their personalities. I was attracted to this guy who didn't believe in God... he was interesting, witty and very charming and I was facing huge, adulterous temptation even though I know there is no chance we could be together because of the different beliefs that departs from my Christian background. I don't know how to put all this into perspective... am I being on trial? A test?