remember that POJA starts with the following words:

"How do you feel about this ...?" (fill in your idea)

The other responsibility of POJA is when your H asks you how you feel about (his idea) you must be honest - not "brutally honest" but honest.

It's generally OK to say: "I need time to think this over. Tell me why you think this is a good idea?"

H and I sometimes go to a "double winners" meeting - combines AlAnon and AA --- it's the best meeting EVER anywhere .... at least around here.

double reality check!

and lots of laughter and support in the double winners group
very few fist fights

oops - I just caught this






who's face are you referring to?

Julie, to be honest - I think you need a sponsor.

I don't know! Mine? Hers? H's? Hmmm...I've never been asked to define the meaning of that phrase. How about, YES, I CAN "get along" with her, when necessary, in order to keep the peace? Not be b!tchy? Look unhappy? Cause tension? All of that.



I do. I always did, but now more than ever. Me, H, the kids, we ALL need sponsors! Honestly there's nobody in my group I want as a sponsor which is why I don't yet have one. I've got a couple of pseudo-sponsors, and I found who I want to be my sponsor while visiting a neighboring Al-Anon meeting. I could make the switch to that meeting but then the kids wouldn't have theirs...

Ugh, excuses. I'll get me a sponsor - a good one.

until you find a "good one" get a mediocre sponsor!
it's a sponsor - not a marriage
it's OK to change partners when you want to

my H has 2 men he refers to as his sponsor(s) - and another man he refers to as his "grand sponsor" - in the sense that he's much older (sobriety age) and can be called upon when others are unavailable

a sponsor will tell you when you are full'o'chit - if you are right away feeling very comfortable and cozy it's probably not the sponsor you need early in your recovery

look for a sponsor who appears serene - not a sponsor who make you feel good

My meeting is tonight & I know who I'm going to ask to be my sponsor. That's what you do, right? Just ask them to be your sponsor?

I could use a little help. I catch myself dealing out LBs & DJs. I always catch myself, but I can tell they'd become so habitual that I don't catch them till they're out. Given that, can you please give me your take on this situation?:

I just had a birthday. H got me a nice gift a couple days prior that I picked out, though my preference was to get nothing tangible. Anyway, what he didn't get me is a card. Now, this is MY issue - he was VERY good to me, VERY affectionate, cooked dinner, very attentive & even offered to console me when I had a slip (I realized that my mother didn't get me a card or call either, which hurt, so I went to the back porch & cried, he came out to see if there was anything he could do, I said no I just need to shake it off, which I did & then I was fine) I'm big on cards & H knows this. Well, that is presumptuous - he knew this. He does know it hurt me that my mom also got me no card. Because he made such an effort to make my day great otherwise, I made no mention of the missing card. I didn't carry resentment or bitterness either. But I'm left to wonder, now after the fact, is it something I should bring up? Or just wait a couple months, till HIS birthday, and get him a great card?

I don't want to hurt him or come off as if I don't appreciate what he DID do. Part of me says let it go, the other part says that being O & H means telling him I wish I'd gotten a card. It is, after all, very very early in his & our recovery. Thoughts, please?

Did he tell you he loves you?

I'm wondering why a card means so much to you? He apparently spent a fair bit of effort to celebrate your birthday, yet you didn't feel special?

If you think you aren't just making him jump through hoops, but receiving a written card is truly important to you, then next year when he is trying to figure out what you want, clue him in --- its easy, you just want a card! Be specific if any old card won't do - part of being open and honest is letting our spouse's know what we need.

He can't change the past, so why point it out to him now -- he has no chance to go back in time and fix it now. I don't think O&H means we have to express every negative thought that runs through our heads.

Personally I dislike nearly all store-bought cards. I'm picky and I feel that the sentiments are either lame, ill-fitting, or consist of low humor. I can never find a decent one. Do I use them? Not a lot. Anyway, perhaps your H has similar issues to me with store cards; picking one out may not be trivial. As a consequence I buy a lot of blank cards or make my own. It takes me time and I usually enjoy it.

Writing him a note thanking him for his thoughtful attentions might be a subtle hint that the written word is important to you.

- WG

Would you like to ask for a belated birthday card? Doesn't negate what he did do. You did enjoy all of it. And you would like a card.

Good points, thank you, and sorry for the delayed response. I will not ask for a belated card or bring it up. I thanked him that night & again the next morning. We both had real, true, genuine smiles & that's what matters. I am making positive changes and so is he - it's OK if, with that, comes my letting go of a card.

Tonight H has band practice. His second since going sober. Only tonight, he is edgy. He told me he wants to drink. Not get drunk, be stupid, but drink. Have a couple & let the creative juices flow. We talked for a bit, I said "this is where a sponsor comes in" (that's right, he does NOT have one) and he agreed, said he doesn't struggle thru the weekends cuz if it enters his mind he replaces it with the thought of something else productive & gets thru it. I reminded him that this is hard, but it will get easier, that I trust him and I will not govern or check up on him.

***But, writing this, the thought just entered my mind to call one of the guys & ask him to be EXTRA supportive to H. (They're all supportive, one more than the others) Anyway, I don't think this is a good idea because it's governing. He has to do this on his own. If he slips, there will be consequences - and he's started to move stuff back in!

It's scary, but I have to stay busy myself & let him deal with this. He considered not going but went because he didn't want to let the others down.

I can't be his sponsor! I wanted to cry, to yell at him, but I kept my composure. It's only one night. I sure as he!! hope he does the right thing. As he left, I said, "you got this?" He said, "yea, I got this". Gosh I hope so!

Eeeks, I'm also considering telling the kids & having them call him to let them know how proud they are of him. Yeesh, I still don't think any of this is appropriate though...

He didn't do it. Came home, was crabby, but OK. And I didn't interject in any way - I was panicked so I scooped up the kids & ran off to Target. Whew!

1 down, 62,000 to go.

He also apologized this morning for being crabby & wanting to drink. I reminded him we're in this together & to please not apologize for being completely O&H and sharing his feelings, even if they might hurt me!

It was NO fun waiting for him to come home, not knowing if we'd celebrate him getting himself over this hurdle or if I'd be kicking him out. I'm glad for the outcome.

I was supposed to have a dinner date w/a friend tonight but I've cancelled, as I think H really, really needs me right now & so a family-fun night is a better option for now.

Well, that's how it all ended...

Good for you Julie....sounds like you handled it sooooo well. yes, he was crabby, you didn't take it personally and it all worked out for the good....

Glad to hear it...

not2fun

Hey Julie

Haven't been on here for months but got a short chance. Just had to look you up

WOW!!!!!


Sounds like you guys are headed down a good road.

Just had to jump in with my 2cents.

Never did stop prayin for all of you.

Doug

THANK YOU!!!

That is so cool.

Tonight was Band Practice #2 since sobriety & no issues. THis morning we talked about the impending evening & the possible pressure/"stress"/urges that may come with it. H said he felt fine, hadn't thought of drinking at all this week or today but if he did, he'd call me.

Tomorrow we have no kids & a date. We will celebrate his almost-month of sobriety. Nice.

Good morning Folks,

I'd like your feedback on something. H & I were talking this morning about other people and their reactions to him quitting drinking/coming home.

To back up a bit, I told him it was up to him how he handled telling people. He's told his mom & sister, a few close friends and left a lot of the other "friends" (drinkin' buddies) in the dark. He said he's not going to tell them because they all have an opinion - "OH, you quit for her??" For some reason this bugged me & then, back to today, I asked him if he's sure this is what he wants. That it needs to NOT be for me, and if defending that fact to people is bothersome then our reconciliation is nill. He assured me that, yes, he's doing it for me - but first it's for him, then me, then the kids; he's doing it for all of us. He said that some people give him "a look" when he tells them and that hurts him. It hurts me too, for him, but doesn't surprise me. People tend to weed themselves out, good or bad.

So, thinking to myself that it's only important that his REAL friends & family support him, I asked him what his mom said. He said, "she's happy, but she asked the question: are you doing this for her?" I was shocked! Then I asked what his sister said? "She gave me the look and asked if I'm doing this for you. I said I'm doing it for all of us. She asked me if I'm happy & I said yes. Then she said, "If you're happy I'm happy""

He was hurt cuz while he knows he may lose "friends", he also knows his mom & sister are constant - and their reactions weren't what he was hoping for. I LOVE that he was looking for support from them, but I HATE that they couldn't just give it! As you may recall, at the beginning of my Plan B his mom & sister both were supposedly behind me 100% - their words - but that changed quickly. His mom has chosen to make no mention of his drinking & throw in my face MY issues, his sister has continued to lean on him & of course become a drinking buddy when convenient for her. They all claim to be very close.

So, today, I wonder: what do I do? Part of me wants to continue on our merry way, happy, focusing on & healing our family, the other part of me wants to call that lunch meeting I'd considered about a week ago. C'mon, why can't you support him?? He NEEDS you to!

H has been very O&H with me, and I've done a great job listening to & addressing his fears/pressures/concerns/urges/etc. and AA is of course great...but geez, how can these 2 people do ANYTHING other than sing his praises? Heck, my own mom raised her hands in celebration & began crying when we told her. Ugh, again, I am SO disappointed in them and sad that H's "battle" against alcohol is now made that much harder.

Can I help?

Julie, the thing is that you can't force or shame his family to support his marriage. If you try, all it will do is cause resentment. He has never had their "support" in anything anyway, so I don't know why this would this be any different. You have all the support you need between AA and Alanon.

...and this is what the voice in my head has been saying all morning. Strangely, the voice still has your accent Mel! Thanks for the reassurance.

D*mn them!

OK, got it out, I'm done. <--- love this lady!!

I need help today. I think he drank last night. I don't know for sure, the obvious signs aren't obvious so I have no proof, but something isn't right or "normal" at all - and last night was band practice, the main trigger/where he's most urged.

What do I do? My plan is to (gently) confront him when we're awake.

Please help me, I'm nearly sick.

Julie, is there some reason he continues to go to an activity where he KNOWS he will be triggered? When an alcoholic is committed to recovery, he doesn't go to the same places where he drank before. He stays out of the bar, so to speak.

I would confront him head on. Not GENTLY, but FIRMLY. "Gently" will be easily exploited by any half wit alcoholic.

I'm sure you've talked to him by now. Had I found this earlier I would have asked if you "Do you believe you'll get the truth if you confront?"

What are your boundaries? If have them, can you use them?

Hi. Sorry for the delay. Can't do this @work, didn't get a chance to check again before I left this morning.

Mel, yes there's a reason: it's his hobby & they had to practice...for their show this weekend...at a bar...which I will be at as well. Actually, I wonder if he's as "triggered" as I am? It's ME who worries, frets, and now suspects, but he just grabs some Gatorade & goes, then comes home.

You know why I suspected it? Mainly because he was in a really good mood last night. And I was a bit crabby/tired. He was a bit put off that I wasn't able to share in his good mood (like I usually do, I listen attentively & celebrate for/with him for not drinking!) so snuggles were lacking in bed. Kinda silly when I think about it now.

We talked in the morning but I didn't confront him. I'd figured out half-way thru our discussion that this was in my head. That, and like IRN said, I wouldn't have necessarily gotten an honest response. But, the ONE time he DID want to drink, he told me first. He didn't want to go but did for no reason other than feeling obligated. We talked thru it. He knew to call me if it got to be too much. We celebrated when he got home, sober. Crabby, but sober.

Boundaries are pretty simple: NO DRINKING. He knows this. I suppose anybody can be a "sneak" but I don't think he is. By the time I'd left for work I was pretty OK. I gave it some more thought, felt him out a bit as he called me throughout the day, and decided it was a false alarm. Perhaps later on I will share with him that I'd suspected he drank. But, I'm not sure.

This is hard on me too, sometimes. I can do it.