I gotta agree with MEDC.

Stop the bleeding, IMO. I don't think it's wrong, per se, to hold to a vow, but WHO are you holding that for. Yes, for yourself, sure, but aren't you also holding on to some hope that this woman is redeemable. IMO, she's not gonna come around if or until you are looooooong gone.

The Z proved that to me. He will show signs of not wanting the D, I'm almost sure of it, but he doesn't have the capacity to change as he would need to in order to gain access to my heart again. No sir. He screwed up one too many times...

MEDC SL


I love you both so much for your kindness, and your concern.. and please believe that I am listening and I do value your opinions and advice, but I pray that you will both understand that I absolutely must be obedient in this time to my faith, and the love I still hold for my family.

Not everything in my life lately has been made known here, though I have been totally honest about my feelings.. my fears.. but I have held back on sharing my hopes until recent days because I somewhat feared this sort of response.

I have to believe in the power of God.. who my wife brought back into my life when we met.. were courting.. and were married. I have to believe that there is nothing impossible for my maker, and have been shown that His plan for my life is His own and that I am to trust completely in it.

I have to cultivate and hold on to this kind of love.. even if others do not understand, or do not agree.


It may not be the MB way.. but it's something so simple as faith, that regardless of the outcome I know that God would have me keep my promise to my wife until the very end.

That does not mean that I am not to prepare for the worst.. and I am armed and ready for that eventuality as it comes.. make no mistake.. but I am also to prepare my home and my heart for His blessing in my life.

At the end of the day -this- gives me peace.. hope.. even joy. And if I can find comfort here.. it is where I belong.

I hope.. even if nobody agrees with me standing for my wife and family.. you will at least keep us in your prayers for the best outcome in our lives.

Foxy

This means so much to me.. thank you.

I think I'm on the right road for me right now.. It's certainly a road that I -know-.. regardless of the outcome I will be at peace with myself at the end.

Well.. just when everything seems calm and I find some peace..


Had a very strange encounter with my wife last night..

Being Wednesday I had DS with me, and she came at the normal time to pick him up. After I'd buckled him into his booster seat, and loved on him for a moment, I closed the door and turned to go into the house like I normally do..

But my wife wanted to talk to me.

She started by saying that WB's dad (who he has supposedly been living with the whole time) was planning to move to Missouri as he got a new job there. My immediate thought was that she was next going to tell me that she was going to be moving there as well.

But what she wanted to tell me was that she was considering the option of moving into WB's dad's house and taking over the mortgage. The reason she gave was that his mortgage was $200 cheaper than the rent she's paying now and would allow her to save some money for the down payment she would be required to make on buying a house. She said the current arrangement with her rent being so high is that she can't afford to set anything aside or save back.

She assured me that she hadn't made a decision yet and was just considering her options.

I pretty much just stood there listening.. and she more or less repeated herself using different words.. so I lunged at the gerbil a little bit..

I said to her basically that I hoped that she understood that she had another option with a man who deeply loves her and our children who stands willing and ready with a home and to provide for his family. That I would not beg her.. but that I hoped she would consider all of her options.

I left it at that due to DS extracting himself from the van to run around the front yard and driveway.. but she mentioned the $200 savings again so I put another thing forward..

You do realize don't you that if this goes forward the financial situation isn't set in stone yet.. that we've still got (stupidly large) in debt that will get split between us..

So she took the opportunity to change the subject saying that I needed to contact my lawyer to get her some documents she'd been requesting.. I didn't rise.. remained calm and simply said that my lawyer has had that information for over a year now, and that she'd have to deal with him directly for it.. he handles all the divorce stuff.. I don't believe in it.

And with that DS had climbed back into the van.. and got into the back.. my wife told him to get out of the back and into his seat, and I backed her up and told DS to listen and do as his mom said.. and finally got him back in his seat and buckled up and ready to go.. by this time my wife had gone around to the driver's seat and I simply asked her to give my love to DSD as I closed the door and went back into the house.


I'm triggered I suppose.. but only midly.. I'd been prepared for something this week as I had received a warning in my devotionals on Monday that God was at work and that the next two days would bring about a change for the better in my circumstances.

Now I don't know what exactly is changing, but I'm trusting and hoping in the Lord and believing in the promises of his Word that He is reaching out to my wife's heart at this time..

I honestly couldn't even begin to speculate as to why she even bothered to tell me all of this.. unless she was trying to get some kind of reaction out of me.. I've been keeping it pretty dark for the last handful of months even without a PBL.. basically to protect my sanity.. but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little curious as to 'what was that all about'?..

She says she's going to pay tuition for DSD to stay in the school that she's at.. as the neighborhood and school where WB's dad lives isn't all that great... actually.. it pretty much sucks.

*sigh*

So.. lunged at the gerbil a bit.

Chasing my tail trying to figure out the reasoning of a wayward..

A little triggered and puzzled today..

However.. most importantly.. hoping and trusting that the Lord uses this for good in our lives... whatever impact it may have had.


Please.. keep us in your prayers my friends. I know the hand of God is at work. I pray only that my wife listens to His gentle promptings.

James, from the outside looking in, she is just informing you that her life is about to get more deeply entrenched with WB and his family. She was informing you that your son will be moving soon and that her long term plans without you are now looking brighter.

I have also considered that angle MEDC, and am really not shocked by that thought either.. other than, why come to me and tell me that she is thinking about it?

She didn't tell me she was moving before until everything was already done.

Wow, James.

I know how hard it is to not lunge at the gerbil. I think you handled it well, though.

While there are drawbacks to keeping the door open and reminding her that it is still open, I think there is an advantage to doing so also.

With those comments, she cannot justify to herself that you are the bad guy keeping her out of the family with anger and frustration.

The choice sits solely with her to remain out of the family. You reminded her of that again. That's not all bad.

Take care,

Fox

Thanks Fox..

I think maybe the only reason I mentioned it at all is because she said something about trying to consider 'all the options'.. It seemed opportune to remind her that I was still one of them..

I mean.. the real absurdity of all of it is that she's doing all of this just so she can get a house.. in a town where the housing value is -only- going to go down as GM and Chrysler keep laying people off..

Given that she had a house (what she wants).. a very nice one at that.. in a good school district (best in the county).. a husband who loves her and provided for her and our children.. and she's throwing all of that away only to have to -struggle- to save $200 a month to try and scrape enough together for a down payment on a house..

And the best method she can come up with is to move into a shady neighborhood.. into a situation where she's dependent on WB's family -AGAIN-.. this time his dad's side.. in a school district where she has to pay tuition for her daughter to go to the school she's currently attending (thus saving her -less- money).. PLUS she's apparently not even considering the eventuality that she's going to get saddled with at least a portion of our rather sizeable financial hole we dug while she was in school.


*sigh*

so I guess the whole lunging thing is somewhat akin to what Jennifer told SD to do with his letters... a gentle reminder that she still has an 'out' of the terrible situation she's dug for herself.. because she probably wouldn't realize it on her own with as distant as I've been lately..

And the sad part of it is.. 'things' could be so much easier.. so much better for her.. for me.. for our children especially if she would come home and commit to working on our marriage and our family with me..

:crosseyedcrazy:

ETA.. NO I'm not trying to imply the R part of it would be -easy- at all.. I'm not deluded here..

I hear ya, James.

STOOPID WAYWARDS They just don't get it.



Jamesus

Amen to that..

I guess the most discouraging part of all of this.. is my wife really truly is much smarter than this..

And that doesn't even begin to touch on how many different and varied ways I can use this in the custody portion of our D.. should she continue to persue it.

Maybe that was one of her reasons for telling you, to see how you would react and she could read whether you would use it against her or not.

Sometimes you just have to shake your head in bewilderment. There is no sense to be made in some of this stuff.

Fox

No, James...that is what you would like to think...I did the same thing. She doesn't see it as throwing anything away...she is giving it all away and has made a determination that WB is worth it. She has made a determination that her life is better off with WB than with you. She is willing to lower her standard of living, scrape to save money, have strained relationships with her family because she has determined that to her, he is worth it.

You are looking at this from the BS angle...look at what she is giving up. She is looking at this from the look what she has gained perspective. It is sick and it is sad. She KNOWS she will get saddled with some debt. She KNOWS she might not get the custody she desires. She KNOWS that you are waiting...yet she still picks him.

That is the reality of the situation....and it sucks big time. This isn't fog James...this is a woman that is making conscious decisions that her needs and wants reside elsewhere. You can rest assured that every single time you make an offer about her coming home that she tells WB. And you can also lay safe money on him doubling his efforts to hang on to his new family. And so far, it is working.

IMHO, the BEST thing you could do would be to go as dark as possible on her...without hurting your custody case. Speed up the divorce proceedings and get the custody resolved. IF there is any chance (which I doubt very highly) of her leaving WB and coming home...she will need the shock of realizing you are slipping away to make that happen. Right now, she still knows that coming home is an option...she has ZERO consequences for continuing on her current path.

Just my opinion.

I agree with medc's entire post here James. Please strongly consider it.

This is just icky.

But I think it is true - in all of our cases.

They think this way for now, anyway. There will be a point that they start resenting the OP for all they have sacrificed to be with them.

Who knows how long they will be deluded, though......

Fox

Amen Foxy.. amen..







You make a lot of sense here MEDC..

And I'll know the answer for sure within two weeks or so.. At this point it is prudent to see which way she goes on this.. it could really help me out if she decides to go through with it.

James:

Your STBXWW is still on the high arc of her ballistic trajectory. Free fall ac2ally feels good.

...until you auger in and leave a smoking hole in the ground.

You need 2 let her crash and burn. Even then, it may be 2 late for her and/or you 2 rebuild your former marriage.

In this economy, what's left of it, she's not going 2 be able 2 buy ANY house without a gigantormous down and NO debt. Probably at least for the next 2ple of years.

If, after she's finished that arc and takes some time 2 pick herself up from her smoking ruin, you want her back, make sure you do like Mortarman did, and REQUIRE that she go 2 extraordinary lengths, working with Jen all the while, 2 earn her way back.

Even in the most optimistic of circumstances, the process could take years.

-ol' 2long, signing off again.

Thanks ol friend..

I know you're right.. and the more I think about it.. probably making the offer did more damage than good..

I think her current bent is as a result of wanting to prove she can do it on her own.. that she can do it without me.. and me more or less offering her the soft place to land.. while the loving thing to do.. probably just fueled her perception that I think I have to -give- her everything..

Ugh... the psychology of all of this is so twisted..

Are you sure? Do you really understand? Sometimes it sounds like you are reading a fairy tale in your head. Happily ever after....

If you knew how hard it is in the best of circumstances you likely would never even think it. You'd just let it be.

If I was that weak or deluded TJD.. or afraid of the hard work involved, I wouldn't still be here... and I wouldn't have thought very seriously of going the other way as well.

What I am however, is obedient, and loyal to my word, my family, my honor, and not least of all, my faith.

James, You have a loyalty to your fantasy of a family. Your real life family is not receiving a blessing based on your loyalty to your faith(prayer is not bringing your son home...you know the old saying..Trust in God, but lock your doors). In fact, I believe that your thoughts about your faith are causing you to act in ways that are counter productive to your family.

I admire your tenacity James. I question your belief that your guidance has come from the Lord. I know you believe it has....but somewhere along the line you stopped being the leader of your family. A leader does not settle for crumbs.

IF you still had your son under your roof, I would do nothing but admire you and hope for the best. As it is, I don't believe that the Lord would have you do anything that would lessen the chance of your son coming back to his true home. I think your statement to your wife did just that....you are giving her comfort by letting her know she hasn't screwed up enough to lose you just yet!

Look, I don't want to open a can of worms here. I care about you...but the Lord put people like Mr. W and me in your path. We urged you to get aggressive a long time ago....okay, you didn't. Well, the Lord keeps me in your path today despite your objections in the past. Go as dark as you can on her James. If you ever want her back, she needs to know what it will be like without you.


TJD speaks the truth. You do come across(at times) as living a fairly tale as it pertains to your wife. I see two ways for a happily ever after here....one, your wife gets hit by a bus (sad but true that your child would be better off as he would be back home and never have to see WB again). The other way is for YOU to get full custody of your son.

I think TJD is saying that as hard as this part of infidelity is James...it isn't nearly as hard as dealing with the demons of recovery.


I do pray for you James.