Hi Queenie,

I've been lurking but haven't had a lot of time to post.



Queenie, I know how you feel. I'm right there with you. I think we all have the same ups and downs, however they come at different intervals and with different intensities.

It's a process, so don't go against your gut. You will do what you are going to do when you are d@mn well ready to do it. Not before. You will come to the right decision for you when you are ready.

I miss talking with you. Let's chat soon.

All this letting go is a process. It goes up and down and on and on until, one day,....... It's amazing to look back periodically and see the process through which you have grown.

YES I DO.

What I can't figure out is how. What he told me and what she looks like just doesn't add up. But neither does the addictive mind so I need to not go there.

The challenge I face is that on Apr 1, 06. YS had his bar mitzvah. I thought things at that time were absolutely the best they had EVER been, but then we did taxes and we got into a very huge fight or rather I had a huge AO because he stopped earning overtime and never said a word to me about it and our financial troubles just got worse.

It was between that date and May 06 that he met her, but I don't know exactly when. We were problem solving how to get out financially and I just don't understand.

I have not had SF since Mar 06 and with that being my number one EN, has just put me in a place where I don't know what to do. For a solid year while he was having his A, he would push me away, even got the marriage counselor to get SF off the table for 3 months and told us at the table I wasn't safe to him and he couldn't trust me.

So.... do I want a D, NO. I think I have said before, I will give this until 2nd D-day and reevaluate filing for D. It's I do it then or wait two more years until YS graduates from high school and off to his own life.

I don't have to decide today, but I am giving myself permission to have that thought. Which for those of you who know me, that is SO HUGE. But I'm like Chai, if I am the one to file, then ultimately I am the one to break the marriage up and I don't know if I could do that. How would my kids feel?

Hi Cinders and Chai,

I don't think letting go is what I struggle with this most. It's cutting the string and making there be no more hope. You know, getting D and then having this turn around and it be too late.

But that isn't today and G-d is busy with Rosh Hashana, so I can just concentrate on the New Year.

L'Shana Tovah, Pretty and Mark and Belle

May this year be a good year for 5769.

I'm out fishing today but wanted to drop by and say Shana Tovah.

May this be your best year ever, Queenie. May God give you peace and a sense of self worth that brings you joy in your life.

Mark

((((Queenie))))....

Honey, you know this is not true. Your WH was the one to break up the marriage. He just didn't have the cahonna's to do it properly.

If and when you get to this point, tell yourself you are Rambo, in "First Blood"....you know the line, "They drew first blood captain, not me. They drew first blood...".

Yes it is HUGE for you to be thinking on these lines, AND when you get to where you are ready for this, you know we will all be here to help support you.....

not2fun

Thanks Mark,

I wish the same for everyone as well.

Hey Not,

The Torah portion read throughout the world today on Rosh Hashanah is about Isaac and Abraham and the unyielding trust that Abraham had for G-d. I have gone to services for 19 or so years and have NEVER truly HEARD the torah portion until today.

The rabbis sermon was about making good choices and living life. I sat there praying about D WH, and I had for one split second thought that was G-ds will for me, however, not one second later, WH's identical car went driving by the window. That shook me to my roots and I have been reeling with it for hours.

On the way home from services, WH called YS to have him come meet him and get a card/present for OS, who he hasn't spoken to for 9 1/2 months and remember didnt' go to his graduation.

Evidently WH called OS and left a message, but OS deleted it and tore up the card without reading it. WH didn't get to witness the pain and watch your baby shut down emotionally from the pain. I did. I got to witness the hurt words in his heart. WH got to drive away and think he had been the awesome dad today by calling him son and getting him a present.

What he doesn't know is OS just simply rejected him.

It's Rosh Hashanah, and my family is still torn asunder and I HATE it. I don't want to feel this pain ANYMORE. It's too much for me. I thought it was over, I thought I could really imagine life without him, but one view of his car and it wasn't even his, came rushing back like a knife to my soul.

I wish I could drink, I tried to eat the pain away, didn't help and now I am heading to my Jewish AA meeting because that is the safest place I can think to be.

I really hope G-d understands I need to know what he wants me to do because I am truly caught between two worlds of not knowing and wanting to just stop feeling.

Nice to see you Not, hopefully we can catch up on life soon.

Queenie

I used to hold the telephone to my 2.5 year old son's ear so he could talk to his daddy. All the time, I was crying. I know it's tough.

Queenie

Queenie, who left the home? Who left the children? Who left God? Who left their vows in the dust? Who left the marriage?

It wasn't you!

Queenie

It may reach the point where you leave the legal relationship but you weren't the one who ended the marriage? At this point, it seems all you have is a legal relationship.

Queenie

And your children will always know you were the one who was there.

Queenie,

Nope, you don't have to decide anything until you are ready to decide.

What I think is funny, is that both or our WH's left, don't want to be M anymore, blame us etc. but what I can't figure out is why neither one of them has filed for a D. What's up with that?

Mark,

Were the fish biting? My dad used to fish. He had this $7000 bass boat for fishing, but I never saw him catch a fish. Any fish. He threw the line in and if he didn't catch a fish in 30 seconds, he would proclaim that the fish weren't biting there and move down about 100 feet and do it again. And he always complained of the sun, how hot it was, how humid, etc. I guess we girls just don't get it sometimes.....

(((Queenie)))

I don't think I have ever posted to you before, but I have been following your thread lately. There is so much that I can relate to.

I am also a recovering alcoholic, 19 years and sometimes I am so jealous of people that can tie one on and just forget for awhile. I feel like working through this sober has got to cut down the recovery time, but WOW, I can't imagine how long it would take if I was still drinking and not dealing with this stuff.

I also grappled with being the one to file for the divorce. Actually, 6 months after I filed, I told WH I was withdrawing my petition and he would have to counterfile if he wanted this to continue. I just NEEDED him to do SOMETHING to take ownership of his part in where we were. He did counterfile, so my lawyer said, I never saw the papers. But I needed him to stand up and say, I want this divorce. This was not going to be something I DID TO HIM.

I could relate to the OS present thing. My Ex is a disneyland dad and the kids miss their 'real dad' so much. They won't ever talk to him about it, though. They just come home and dump all over me. He thinks he is SuperDad because his small children don't want to hurt his feelings.

SF is also in my top 3 ENs. I have alot of respect for the dignity that you are conducting yourself with. I "acted out" a little after the D was final and it just made me feel crappier.

Please don't think that a D means you give up hope, at least I didn't. I have been divorced for 1.5 years and am just NOW starting to realize there is no hope for reconcilation. Nothing magically turned off when the judge dropped the gavel.

I have enjoyed your post about the Jewish faith. I had always had an interest and your post have led me to some research. Your description of the divorce process was heart breaking to read. I don't think I could make it through that either. In my legal divorce, I broke down in tears when the judge asked me if I wanted the divorce.

I have respect for you, thank you for letting me witness your journey. I have no doubt that you will have inspiring testimony to share from this terrible chapter one day.

Found a great song for the BWs!!!

Click on the song entitled "Tiger's Eye"

Queenie,

Just stopped by to say Shabbat Shalom!

Mark

Hi Jean,

Thank you so much for stopping by. WOW, 19 years, that is awesome. Yeah, it would seem so much easier to just tie one on and not feel anymore. But it's the afterwards that will get ya, won't it. I don't think I would want to face life if I did relapse as much as it appeals at times.

Your words of support and hope mean a lot. I don't know what G-d has planned for me. I know that I keep going on, even when I don't want to.

Divorce, am I ready. NO.... I don't know if I could go two years in Plan B without filing first. Because I just don't see anything, any movement but WH being his own selfish person.

My journey of healing and learning to love myself has taken one more step. I went to my first eating addicts anonymous meeting. I'm not ready to commit totally, but I am close. My food is out of control and I'm gaining weight. Now, I'm sure most of you can't relate, but if there are some who secretly can. I felt like I was at home, especially when we started sharing our stories of eating. It's amazing. I kinda have given myself permission to get it out of me until after Yom Kippur, but then I'm done. I need to seriously address this.

My food is one way of not feeling pain, and yet it's not working either. I have to be honest, I 'm not nearly in the pain I was in the beginning, it's just deeper somehow.

I know, Mimi, get your 2 x 4 ready, but I see how so many people are getting recovered in their M or moving on and for some silly reason I keep thinking H will fight through.

Oh Jean, there is just no way I would survive that, my hat is off to you for your strength.

YS told me that WH invited him to play soccer with him today and next week. WH told me that he resented that I didn't get up at 6:45 am to go with him and watch him play soccer, he took the boys with him, I never stopped him from going. So, my heart is hurting thinking that YS might finally meet OW next week. I can't worry about it, but it absolutely sickens me.

I can only hope that WH is starting to miss being a dad or his children. But I have no way of knowing really.

Jean, I feel like I should be so further along like many others, but it is what it is. People question whether I really loved H or it was just an unhealthy relationship from the beginning. Partly it is, but I also know without a doubt our "dry drunk" ran our life for SO MANY years and I keep praying that he will find himself into the rooms of AA and begin to understand where the true problems were. His journey for sure, but painful to watch and know its there.

Thanks Cinders, I'm going to go listen to it in a few.

Shabbat Shalom Mark, glad you are still getting to fish. Do you stop for the winter or do a different kind.

How about another sermon when you have time. Selfishly it brings me such comfort.

Queenie, I found a youtube link!!!

Tiger's Eye


Here are the lyrics!

My, how you have lost your cool
how did I become the fool?
oh well, you're going down,
kicking dirt and wasting my time

love like ours too close to call
even diamonds have their flaws
oh well, I'm going down
it's the end of suffering

you lost a diamond
and found a tiger's eye
and when you need her
I hope she walks on by
And leaves you lonely,
lonely

Just a semi-precious jewel
Clouded judgement overruled
Oh well, I'll never know
What precious jewels I just can't find

you lost a diamond
and found a tiger's eye
and when you need her
I hope she walks on by
And leaves you lonely,
lonely

A million times passing by the right one
A pause (???) at me (???)
A million times but the damage is done
And now it's time to leave

you lost a diamond
and found a tiger's eye
and when you need her
I hope she walks on by
And leaves you lonely,
lonely

And if I see you
You better cover your heart
You will get shut out and left in the dark
You will be lonely, (lonely)
Lonely (lonely)

Hah, ah la la la la la
Hah, ah la la la la la
Hah, ah la la la la la
Whoa

Cinders why do I believe I am still the LOSER in all this.

Why can't I see WH for the trash he is and lose my love for him and just get it over with and move on. Why do I keep wishing that the man I once knew will come home one day.

Queenie, I think all BS's feel that way when going through the process. I think that those of us who don't get the chance to recover eventually accept it and make other plans with our lives.

I recently met a lady whose xWH married the OW. She said it took her over two years to get to the point of allowing herself to plan her new life. Right before the A, her teenaged son committed suicide. I can't even imagine how she made it through, but she did and 7 years later she is doing well. Just look across the street Queenie. Maybe we wouldn't trade places with our neighbors.

Maybe we wouldn't.

There is someone who continually says in my meetings that as many problems as he has, he would rather keep his than have anyone else.

Such wisdom.

I still don't think you've fallen in love with YOURSELF!! I get the sense that you are being SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. Do you think you need HIM to FEEL WHOLE?

Fallen in LOVE WITH MYSELF... Nothing could be further from the truth. I carry around a self-hatred that has carried me through life.

BUT I am learning to change and working hard.

Are you WORKING on FALLING IN LOVE with yourself?

What kind of SELF-TALK are you using? Are you talking to yourself when you bring that food up to your mouth? Are you telling YOURSELF that YOU do not deserve to be treated as badly as he is treating you? Are you telling yourself THAT over and over again?