Hi,

Earlier last month, I caught my H at a bar (that we both visit) with another woman. They were holding hands and he was drunk. My H has a history of alcohol problems. He also has not been working full time for over 4 years, had to sell his truck, I'm the breadwinner, we're living in his mom's basement with very little privacy, we're in the process of physically building our own house and we're low on money. Basically, we've both been really stressed the last 4 years.

When I caught him with the OW, I confronted him. He wouldn't talk with me because he was drinking. He simply told me that he didn't love me like he used to. He also said, "I'm no good." (referring to him). And, "You deserve better than me.". When I asked who the woman was, he wouldn't tell me. He only said that he met her at the bar.

We didn't talk for a few days. When I saw him again, he didn't talk about it...he made an excuse to come back to "talk" another time. 3 weeks went by and in that 3 weeks, I saw him once. He came to the house, didn't look good, had beer cans in the trunk, would hardly look at me, etc. So, I started talking to him. I didn't get emotional, I simply said that I was concerned, didn't know what happened and that no matter what,...he was my unconditional friend. He didn't say anything. Back to where I was... 3 weeks went by from when I caught him with the OW. He left me a typed note. I got home from work and found it. It said that he caught pneumonia and was in the hospital for 4 days and he apologized that it took this long to get this to me. He then proceeded to write that he wanted this to be over and he did not love me anymore. He said that alcohol was not the reason. It happened, he didn't mean for it to happen and I didn't do anything to make it happen. However, he said that he knows alcohol is destructive to himself and those around him and he won't stop. He also said this was the worst thing that he's ever done and that he doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but I deserve release.

We've talked since this "note". I'm the one who made the first move. I called and told him I wanted to review our finances. When I saw him, he was chain-smoking (which he never did before...he has never even smoked before) and he was drinking beer in the car. Other than that, he actually made good eye contact with me and was very cordial. He was also driving this OW's brand new truck.

I found out last week that he is, in fact, staying with this OW. He never said one word to me in the typed note OR our conversation that he was with someone else. He also hasn't mentioned divorce, although he moved most of his tools and clothes out of the house.

To give you a little background, my husband and I have been together for 15 years on and off. We dated our last year in highschool, then went our separate ways in college but remained close friends. And for the past 8 years, we've been living together in a comitted, healthy, solid relationship. We do everything together and always have fun. 4 years ago we started building our house together (literally the two of us are building it) and 2 1/2 years ago, we decided to get officially married.

I honestly don't know what happened and I feel I need to know in order to move on emotionally. This, as you probably well know, was a HUGE blow. Has this sort of situation happened to anyone else? And if so, any advice or insight?

Thank you for listening. CAZ3

Me 31, H 30

Sounds like he got depressed over your situation and all of the stress over building the house and sought an outlet. Unfortunately, it wasn't a very good choice. Maybe, too, he feels emasculated since you are the main breadwinner.

history of alcohol problems=alcoholism?

It is harder to fix things when one spouse has an addiction. Dr. Harley has been quoted here as saying that MB principles won't work with an addict until the addict separates him/herself from the addiction.

Now he's probably addicted to the OW, too.

I wouldn't know what to advise you to do as your next step. I'm sure a vet will come in and post to you soon, though. It's a little slow around here at night, so be patient.

I'm sorry that you are going through this nastiness. It really sucks that you had to catch the two of them together like that. And it sucks the way he just up and moved out, too. What about the pneumonia? When I read that my very first thought was that it was a load of bs. But then, I'm a cynic now and I don't trust anyone so I could be wrong.

Take care,

Charlotte

Thank you Charlotte. Yes, I think he is an alcoholic. His father is, his uncle is and his sister is. About 8 years ago, he got a DUAI. About 3 years ago, he stopped drinking for a full year, but didn't feel good the entire time.

I received his health insurance statements (since they're in my name) and he did, in fact, stay in the hospital for 3-4 days for pnuemonia. Apparently, he was staying overnight at our "unfinished house" (it is shealthed, has a roof, windows, door, etc., but doesn't have plumbing, electric or heat yet) and caught it. The sucky thing is that he hasn't bothered to ask how I'm doing at all. He talks about himself, but hasn't once asked me how I'm doing. It's so unlike him. It almost feels like he wants people to feel sorry for him. I know he's not staying there anymore. I think the OW is letting him stay where she lives.

Hi CAZ,



Yeah, playing the victim. Figures. WSs do this a LOT. Mine did it to the hilt. Still is. He even wrote about it in his blog--I have no idea if he still does or not, I haven't visited there since December or so, (or was it January?) Anyway, my 24-year-old DIL was SO disgusted about it. Who can blame her? My Mom said my Dad used to do this too, whine around their friends and try to make her look bad.



I don't doubt it for a minute.

So, do you still want to save your marriage? I'm not sure if you are supposed to do a short Plan A first if you are, or if you should go to B. Hopefully some vets will pop in soon.

Hang in there!!

Charlotte

Charlotte,



Are you divorced?



Yes, I genuinely want to save our marriage. However, I wouldn't let him simply come back (if that is something he will do???). I think we need to sort out a lot of feelings and bring back the trust...not to mention get his stuff together (job, etc.). Unfortunately, I didn't just lose my husband - my best friend is also gone. I don't know what to do either....plan A, plan B. I'll think about it and maybe others will respond like you did. BTW - thank you.

No, but we are still en route. I filed last year on November 1st. We thought we might have a settlement but WS-Gray does not want to pay spousal support to help out until I get my degree. He lives with his OP-Slag. OWH hired my attorney-Shiny, and filed for divorce in June. He checked in the other night and he is pretty sure he wants to go ahead and get it done asap. (Frankly, he still sounds a little uncertain to me.)



Yeah, I hear you. That was THE hardest part for me.

Charlotte

Charlotte -



How long have you been married? And, do you have similar marital problems to mine?



Forgive me, as I only know some of the acronyms. Can you explain OP and OWH?

Do you want a divorce? Do you still love him?

CAZ

Do you want to try and save your marriage? I think the first responder hit it on the head. Plan A with letting him know there IS a way back would be a start, but it's hard to Plan A with no contact. Have you read the materials/books on this site? He doesn't sound like a real catch, but I know that is relative, he COULD be, if he decided to get his act together, and I know you miss your best friend...that's the hard part for all of us...it's THEM we used to turn to when things came along, and now they're the ones causing it and we don't have them to turn to! Kind of a catch 22...
I really feel for you, but he needs to talk with you, if nothing else, to sort out the details like what to do about the house. Can the house be put on hold for a while?

Thank you for your response to my thread.



Yes, I do want to save it....try to save it. I'm not sure if he knows that I want to work it out. He's known me for half of my life, so I could assume he does. But I know I shoudn't assume.



I've read a lot on this site, but there is so much to read and I've only just begun.



Wow, that is the very first time I have ever heard that! He isn't a real catch after what he's done. You are right. However, before this happened, he spent the last several years (our entire relationship) treating me with such respect, compassion, love. He always supported me and protected me, shared everything with me, did so many things to make me ...us happy. The person he is now is someone I've never met before.....he is like the exact opposite of my husband. He is a stranger.



We've been building this house for the past 4 years. We started with clearing the land for the house, garage and driveway. Then we slowly started building. The next step include plumbing, electric, etc. I don't know if I mentioned this in my original post, but 2 1/2 weeks ago, I called him to discuss finances and we met at a neutral spot. At the end of the cordial conversation, he askd me, "So, what are your thoughts on the house?" I didn't say anything and he said, "that can be rhetorical, the house isn't going anywhere." I then asked him what his thoughts were on the house and he also didn't say anything.

This house has been such a labor of love that I can't imagine either of us giving it up. This is very hard for me.

Thanks again for responding.

Don't feel bad, my husband hasn't been a real catch this year either. I'm hoping I can find the man that I married, or thought I did...I don't know where he went or what happened to him

That's what's sad, after something like this, it's like it rips our hopes and dreams apart. In our case it was a trucking business we'd gone into with all the hopes and plans for the future, I financed it and then he put everything in his name, borrowed against it, ditched everything and had an affair. I think he may have felt like a failure and that may have come into play, he made some bad mistakes that caused the loss of the business, but I was the one here by his side all the way and I'm the one that got dissed, it's hard to understand. You, too, have been there with your husband through it all, the loving, patient, forbearing wife, and what do you get? The same as the rest of us here. I hope we find our old husbands back!

It's difficult to think about how someone who loved, protected, cherished and supported you could do something that leaves you wondering if they ever loved you at all.

I just wish that I could understand why he did what he did. It's only been less than 2 months since I caught my WH with someone else,...but already it is very difficult for me to trust what anyone else says or does for me. Unfortunately, my mother hasn't been supportive. She, too, has known my WH for many years and they get along well. He's always been part of the family even before we were married. But, my mother told my sister that she doesn't want to get involved. I can understand that, but this is the single hardest thing I've ever had to experience and to know that my own mother doesn't want to at least ask my WH what happened and tell him how much he hurt me is shocking to me. It makes me angry, but most of all, it makes me sad. Extremely sad that I feel like I'm not as close to my mother anymore. We've always been very close.

I'm going to my therapist today (marriage counselor)...I started this about 2 weeks after I was abandoned by my WH. I've also been to one Al-Anon meeting. I don't know if I should wait this out to see if my WH and the OW get sick of eachother OR talk with my WH and let him know I want to work things out. It's difficult because his note in late August said that he wanted this to be over and he didn't love me anymore. I'm taking it one day at a time...so I'll see what today brings.

Hi CAZ,



We have been married for nearly 15 1/2 years now--November 22 will make it 15 1/2.

Yes. The way you described how your husband USED to be? Same with mine. Then he started his affair and split into two different personalities: Jonesy and Mr. Gray. Eventually, the dark side became more prominent and rarely did Jonesy make an appearance. Right now it looks like Mr. Gray has complete control. Will Jonesy ever resurface? Hard to tell. After reading about everyone's situations on here I think that sometimes they DON'T come back. But who knows what will happen after he and Slag break up?



OP is "other person" and OWH is "other woman's husband."

I think that divorce is inevitable at this point. What would I do if he showed up on my doorstep wanting to reconcile? Well, if he made amends for his evil alien ways I might consider taking in a movie with him as a friend.

I care about what happens to him as a human, I don't harbor any ill-will towards him or even Slag--even though her behavior at OWH's temp hearing was quite disgusting.

I will be A-OK with Jonesy or without Mr. Gray. It helps because once I went into B...and I was still hearing about his insidious behavior from my DIL, she was really p.o.'ed that he wasn't "being a man" and owning his sh*t...I decided to purge him from my soul and that is essentially what I did. I took the steps to REALLY start moving on without him in life or even the expectation of him coming back.

I have noticed that some here don't really move on, they kinda get stuck waiting for the affair to end. Well, initially that was what I wanted but now I really don't care if it ends or not. I'm sure it will but it's not really even on my radar at this point. I took Plan B very literally. Really took it to heart. I thought that's what we were supposed to do. Because is IS for us BSs, not WSs. Any B effects on them are just fringe benefits...or if I may...just "icing on the cake."

Charlotte

That's a good, strong attitude to take. I'm trying my best to move on, but honestly still have the expectation that he would want to reconcile. I know I can live my life without him and do it well, But I WANT him in my life. Obviously, not the person he is now, but the man I knew before this happened. He hit a very low point about 8 years ago and it really made him think about what he was doing and why. I keep thinking that he is going thru the same low point. Everyone around me tells me I'm doing a good job with how I've reacted and how I'm "keeping on" with my life. But I miss him,...not just any man....I miss him.

We still haven't talked about us though, so I don't know exactly what to think. I only heard thru the grapevine that he was seeing this OW. And, these are all people who regularly frequent the bar....every day. Don't get me wrong, I love a beer after work and like to have a few on the weekends, ...so I'm not saying that's a bad thing. However, my WH has a problem with alcohol and I'm just upset because he is surrounding himself with people that probably aren't helping...just hindering.

Charlotte - how long has it been since you and your WH started having problems?

CAZ

You guys are doing well for the circumstances, this is an incredibly hard thing to go through. My H and I are still together (if you can say that although we still haven't lived together...his job is 3 1/2 hours away so he comes home on weekends), but last night my GF caught me saying love (for him) in past tense. I told her, what can you expect? I don't even know who he is anymore! I don't know what will happen but I do know I will be okay. I am okay with whatever happens ultimately, he may break my heart again, but only to a certain point...if that happens, I'll move on. It's a stance I have to take for sanity and survival. It'll be a long cold day in H*LL before I can trust again like I did.

I met with my counselor/therapist today and he made an interesting point. From everything that I've told him about my WH and everything I've showed him (i.e. things my WH has written me), my therapist thinks that my WH may feel unworthy of my love, thinks that I'm a better person, etc. It sounds like it could very well be true. My WH actually said on a couple recent occasions that I deserve better than him, he's no good, blah, blah. And during our long relationship, throughout the years, my WH has written things (i.e. in cards and stuff) like, "with all of my shortcomings, you still remain, we remain. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you because you are the best part of my life."

My therapist says that relationships are all about balance. I confided in my therapist that I had an affair about 5 years ago. My H and I weren't married yet, but we had been in a very long-term, commited relationship. It was probably one of the worst things I've ever done. It wasn't long and I realized what an idiot I was being and ended it. I never told my H. My therapist thinks that I've got nothing to lose if I tell my WH about it. It may make him realize that I, too, have f*&ked up.

Any thoughts? Thanks for listening.

CAZ

The last time my WH and I spoke was over 2 wks ago. It was strickly about finances. He said he'd be providing me with $ to pay the bills (property + school taxes, loan, insurances, etc.) and I've only seen $100 since then. He left his paycheck from his PT gig at the house.

NEW NEWS: This morning my WH called the house and spoke with his sister (if you recall from my original post, we were living with his mother while building our house and his sister lives here as well) and was going to come by to fix something for his mom. Anyway, he got here and I was ready to leave anyway...to go see one of my girlfriends. So, I walk outside where my WH and his sister (who I am close with) are standing + talking. I walk right past him to my Jeep and get in it and start it. I look up to see that his sister went back into the house and he's just standing there with his head down. I get out of the car and walk toward him. I said, "so, when are we going to "talk"?" He said, "yeah, I was going to call you." He proceeds to tell me that he didn't get the job he applied for because his blood pressure was way too high. He's only 30 years old, but he alcohol problems and just started chain smoking, which I'm sure does not help. He didn't bother to ask how I was. We talk for about 15 minutes and he tells me that he is having our property (with the unfinished house on it) accessed by two separate parties. He said, "I'd like the house." I didn't say a word. I couldn't....I was screaming inside. He said that he would be willing to pay me what it is worth. He said, "that way, you can pay off the bills and have a nice chunk of change." WHAT? Like I said before, that house has been a labor of love for the past 4 years....I don't want to give it up. I want it. I want it with him! Apparently, this OW has money and since he has NONE, I'm guessing she'll be the one giving it to him. I heard the OW has a kid and she was looking for a house in this area - conveniently the same area as the house we're building.

I want to know why hasn't he asked me for a divorce, why hasn't he talked about what happened to our marriage, .....what is going on????

I called him an hour and a half after this morning's "chat" and left a voicemail that I wanted to discuss some serious issues and that it needs to happen this week.

PLEASE provide any advice or insight. I think this week is going to be huge and I need all the help I can get. Thanks for listening.

I wouldn't agree to anything without talking to a lawyer first. Don't give up the house if you want it...see what your rights are before doing anything.

Yes, thanks. I have talked with a lawyer and provided him with my "situation". I'm waiting to hear back from him on the latest news (i.e. that my WH would like the house, etc.). I put every dollar I've made in the last few years into this house/property and I'm not going to give it up. Especially, when I don't even know what is really going on and what happened to our marriage. I left a vmail for my WH on Sunday and asked him to call me back so we can discuss some serious issues and it should happen this week. He never called back. I'll keep you posted.

Oh, I went to the property/house last night and there were 12 empty beer cans laying all over the front yard. That really bothered me...how disrespectful!

Not sure what my next step should be???

After WH stopped by the house on Sunday (and said he'd like the house), I called that same afternoon and left him a vmail message. Told him I had some serious questions, I'd like to talk and it needs to happen this week. This is because we STILL haven't talked about US and what happened since I caught him holding hands with OW in August. He just told me he didn't love me anymore + wanted this to be over, then left (physically + emotionally).

On Monday, my brother in-law bought me a lock for my (and my WH's) car trailor that's parked on our property. I went to our property and put the lock on the trailor, then called WH to let him know because there was car on it and it looks like he's using it. I have not heard back since.

I'm currently living with my WH's mother - have been for past 4 years while we've been building. I'll be moving out shortly. However, I know his family really wants our marriage to survive.

If WH won't talk, what should I do? He's still on my health insurance, auto insurance, etc. On Sunday he told me he was taking his car off the road and informing our auto insurance agent...hasn't done that yet.

Any words of encouragment or advice? I'd appreciate it. I want my marriage to work and I'll do anything to make it happen!

I know in our state we can't stop paying medical insurance for our spouse until the divorce is over and then they have to be offered to COBRA, so don't cancel that.
He's taking the car off the road? Does that mean he won't have insurance? Cuz that can affect his rates later on if he is no longer a rated driver. Make sure he doesn't cancel insurance and continue driving, particularly if you are listed on the vehicle, that could hurt you.
There isn't a whole lot you can do if he refuses to see or talk with you, but I would think you would want things settled some way or another (business affairs) so you might want to talk with a lawyer about your options...not to get divorced, but to be protected legally. Yes, it'd probably be a good idea to have your own place. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It sounds like he could really benefit from IC.