This is a true story.....

I went to this conservative Christian high school. They hired a minister to teach my Bible class my senior year. The extent of my recollection of what he taught us is the following song:

Oh, the cannibal king
With the brass nose ring
Made love to the Zulu maid
And, every night, in the pale moonlight,
This is what they'd sing

We'll build a bamboo bungalow for two
Big enough for two, my darling
Big enough for two
When we get married,
Happy we'll be
Under the bamboo, under the bamboo tree

Boom boom boom boom
Boom boom boom boom boom boom
Match in a gas tank
Boom boom

A Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at the University of WA.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

Rella

I want a mp3 of you singing that one !!!!!!

I sang it for a friend the other day and she nearly fell out.....you know, that song was definitely NOT part of the curriculum. I swear, that story is the truth.......I will go to my grave telling that story.

Mr and Mrs Potato were walking down the road, when a vehicle jumped kerb and ran over the luckless Mr Potato.
He was immediately rushed off to the local hospital where immediate surgery was performed.

The operation lasted a full ten hours while Mrs Potato and all his good spuddies waited outside the operating theatre. Eventually the haggard surgeon emerged and spoke to the worried spouse:

"Mrs Potato, I have both good and bad news."

"Pray tell, doctor." said anxious Mrs Potato.

The doctor explained: "The good news is that the operation was a complete and utter success."

"Then what is the bad news sir?" frowned Mrs Potato.

The great doctor's face grew stern and whispered softly "I'm afraid that your husband will be a vegetable for the rest of his life..."

LMAO!! Yeah, the "stow thrones" one is one of my favorites!!

Ahem...

What goes... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaah Bonk!








A man laughing his head off.


I hope those of you that found this one particularly funny were insured...

- Marriage Therapy
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured
over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,..
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."

*Free Will*

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest."

To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

that's good, Lil!

George W Bush
This guy went to heaven and St Peter met him…….

The Guy asks St Peter “What are all those clocks hanging up there?”

St Peter says “Those are time clocks and every time you tell a lie your personal clock moves”

The Guy asks “Well whose clock is that?”

St Peter says “That is Mother Teresa’s and it never moves…she never tells a lie”

The Guy looked at the next clock and asked “Well chose clock is that one”

St Peter says “Well that is Abraham Lincoln’s and it has only moved twice”

The Guys asks “Well where is George W Bush’s clock?”

St Peter says “Well Jesus has it up in his office and is using it as a ceiling fan”

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning ... Uphill... barefoot… BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write Somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off Your [censored] and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-b@stards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove .... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids Today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

A middle aged lady walks out a supermarket pushing a trolley. There is a vagabond standing near her trolley as she unloads the goods into her car's trunk.

The vagrant seems to register all the contents of the trolley, then observes slowly and sagely: " Madam... I see that you have not yet married"

The woman checks through her purchases... fat free milk, tartrizine free crisps, fresh vegetables, biogradable soap, glutone free bread... She is somewhat surprised and amazed by this uncannily accurate statement.

"Yes," she replies, "you are perfectly correct. How on earth did you deduce that I was a spinster"

"Well..." the tramp expounds, "because you are ...UGLY"

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a clothes closet?


The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

THE BEST WAY TO PRAY

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer: "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Kiwi Jokes

A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep

A tourist from the US was driving around NZ. He was a bit tired and thought he needed somewhere to stay the night before getting to Queenstown. Then out of the darkness ran a bull, he couldn't avoid it, drove into it and killed it. He was still able to drive the car, so feeling guilty he drove to the farm house. He knocked on the door, The farmer answered the door. The American said 'Im very sorry but I've killed your bull and would like to replace it.'
The farmer said 'No dramas mate, go around the back you'll find all the cows in the shed, go for your life'

An Elephant, a penguin and a kiwi walk into a Central Otago Pub. 'Whats going on?' asks the bartender suspiciously. 'Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?'