Hey everyone!

It’s been a crazy week and the weekend is looking pretty busy, too. This is all good!

Nothing really special going on with me. I was out with friends Wed. night, including a guy I used to work with years ago. We’ve known each other probably going on almost 20 years now. He’d asked me to go riding with him in a couple of weeks (he has been into Harley’s for all of the years that I’ve known him). I accepted, but made sure we had a discussion about expectations. He’s more like a brother to me than anything and I was up front in telling him this. We agreed it would just be nice to be able to spend time with someone doing fun things, and we’d be each other’s ‘wing man’.

While out that night, my cell phone rang and it’s was Drac’s home number. It was much to early for it to be the kids checking in, so I was concerned something was wrong. It was Drac. He asked if I had a minute, as there was something he needed to tell me. I had to walk outside because it was so loud where I was that I couldn’t really hear him.

Turns out he wanted to tell me about DSS. DSS called him at work to let him know that he was going over to a girl’s house to ‘finally’ tell her that he likes her. His bf talked him into it and he decided that he just had to ‘get it off his chest’. So, DSS and his bf went to the girl’s house, and apparently it went well, as all 3 kids were on their way back to Drac’s for dinner. Drac went on for a minute about how he was surprised that DSS found it necessary to call him to tell him about it beforehand.

I replied that it was good that DSS called him; I’m glad he’s found a girl that he likes, and that he decided to tell her about it. Drac then tells me that it’s the daughter of one of his employees, , , so it could get a bit complicated. I didn’t comment on that. He went on again about DSS calling him. I told him that I wasn’t surprised and that in this regard, DSS is very much like him. He asked how? I said that just like Drac, he gets an idea in his head or a feeling,,,,,,,,,,,,he builds it up in his mind for a while and then is simply ‘driven’ to DO something about it. I’ve seen him do the same thing many times.

Drac wanted to chat more, stating that he wanted me to know about this as ‘it’s the kind of thing I think we should share”. I didn’t comment about that either, and the call basically ended.

I thought about asking “WTF? Why are you calling me about this? Just last week you said in an email that we can’t talk about something as important as DSS’s relationship with me because things are ‘too tense’, but you call me about this today?” But, I figured it was a futile conversation so I didn’t go there.

While I’ve been much too busy to give this a whole lot of thought, I think the purpose of the call was for him to prove to me that he’s a good Dad because DSS is sharing this kind of thing with him AND he does understand that this kind of thing parents can only really share/appreciate with one another. While I was glad to know about this, it still makes me scratch my head and wonder about Drac.

I am happy to say that I haven't spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it. That's a good thing.

Later today I am meeting up with my Mom and Grandmother for lunch. Today is Grandma’s birthday – she is 98 today!! Still lives alone and is as sharp as a tack. I can only hope to be ½ as strong, wise, and sharp as she is someday!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Its still Drac...trying to redeem himself in your eyes.
Demonstrating that he's such a great dad that his son shares relationship issues with him.
And demonstrating what an adult he is to share it with you.

Man oh man does Drac really want to keep you 'on the line'...

*sigh*

He still hasn't had withdrawl.. he still hasn't learned.

Bugs.. he's dangerous to you. He just doesn't understand that it's all or nothing does he..

*sigh*


To quote Foxy... STOOOOOPID WAYWARDS..

They just don't get it..

He sooo remains a CAKE-EATER...wanting Bugsy to remain around waiting, keeping the HOME FIRES BURNING...providing RELIEF from his SOUL PAIN... while he PLAYS...so he can CONTINUE to play without REMORSE...

IMO, he still needs to SUFFER the LOSS of BUGSY in order to change...

IMO, WAYWARDS need to SUFFER in order to CHANGE...

As long as he gets ANY whiff of BUGSY, he is RELIEVED of SOME of his SUFFERING and carries on...

Bugsy, I get so concerned about how he is USING you as a MEANS of continuing HIS SICKNESS/ADDICTION...

you become an ENABLER...

I got to the point of not being able to handle it..and when I see DRAC doing it, it disgusts me...

Just being REAL with you, hon...

Luv ya...

BLECH!!!! with a capital BULLSHITE!!!

IMO, for what it's worth, this man needs to be cut off before he even gets to talking. So DSS wants a girlfriend; um, nothing really all that fascinating about that. It's that time in his life. DSS could have relayed this info to you. Pointless conversation.

I say let his loss be his lesson, Bugsy. Harsh? Maybe. You've done all you can. I feel like it's time to let him go, even though you are afraid to cut off your chance for recovery. I think Drac's already done that.

Sounds so much like the Z; not interested in doing the real work; just interested in not feeling the pain; not only that--wanting YOU to take it away. BLEEEEEEH (said like Snoopy when he doesn't like something)

Lately, I have made a point to let the Z know that I don't need all that information from him. Just the facts, please. DS can fill in the blanks--we have our OWN relationship. Such is separation and divorce.

Love you lots, Bugsy, and know that you will survive this with class.

I agree with the others Bugs...it needs to be all or nothing.

This quasi-plan-B-unless-he-needs-to-talk-to-you isn't going to lead you to recovery.

What is your plan these days?

EXACTLY!!


EXACTLY!!


I THINK THIS IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE AT RECOVERY..I know a BROKEN RECORD...


EXACTLY!!


DITTO!!

...wanted to add my AMENs to SL's GREAT STUFF!!

Recovery, or even starting anew, may be possible some time down the line, way off in the distance, but I truly believe this man is going to have to suffer this loss in order to have any impetus to change. I see that now, with the Z. I am not now amenable to recovery. The wringer is only the half of what he put me through, what I chose to put myself thru, to some extent.

In your case, you could just as easily step back and away, get to gettin--Step back into Plan B mode. I believe Drac will have to actually lose you. This means you will have moved forward without him. It's a risky proposition FOR HIM, not you, IMO. You are armed with a wealth of info on how to have a really great relationship, and you are learning to employ honesty and openness with 'new' relationships, be it friends or potential mates. You will fare just fine.

If Drac really wants you in the future, he will pursue you to the ends of the earth, and he will want to know what YOU want and need in order to grant him access. If not, you have lost nothing more than is already in a shambles, which, by that time, you will have gotten past and dealt with.

Probably TMI for a Friday, but there it is.

YOU ARE SOOOO ON TARGET, SL!!

TRULY OUTSTANDING POST!!

I APPLAUD YOU!!



IN FACT, THIS IS A STANDING OVATION!!

I'm happy to finally be at a place where I AM HAPPY. I pat myself of the back for FINALLY leading with my head. Que sera sera.

I cannot forsee this future. I CAN do my best so that it is BRIGHT!!!

When I'm at DS's football practice, I see the Z and I see how he looks at me--almost with apologetic eyes, wanting to interact. I look his way now and then, and feel the sting of pity, for he HAS lost something that coulda been great, and he will not capture that again until he fixes himself. I have a certain level of safety with the distance between us. I have no desire to recover with him, but I hope that he can find peace someday.

I told him long ago that I will have no regrets over anything I've done to stay together, to save our marriage; he will. 'Tis a shame that he compounded his problems with more deceit and chaos. 'Tis a shame that he will be missing the majority of his son's life.

Head held high, I move along...

SL

Outstanding stuff!


No such thing as TMI when it's good information and said with such care and concern.

Lexxxy, you asked what is my plan? My plan has been just to worry about Bugs Life. (I am thinking of making an animated movie about it ) Period.

I had my first date, am getting out and meeting people with a more open mind & attitude(I met a very interesting/cute PGA golfer/offical at the wedding - he happens to be my nephew's new uncle-in-law & there was some matchmaking going on by folks at the reception), and just doing my own thing.

After having little or no communication with Drac for several weeks, and his email of a week or so ago, I've been comfortable with just letting go.



For the first time I had this exact thought Wednesday night! Yes, I've thought many times that he is really the LOSER by not having me in his life. I know I'm worthy of being treated as the Goddess that I am. Yet I also have held on to the tiny thread keeping me connected to him.


Yes. Yes I will. In fact, yes I AM faring just fine. Thanks, for the acknowledgement/reminder!!

As far as his call the other night, it really just took me by surprise, especially after the email last week from him about how things are 'tense' when we talk. That was, as I suspected, his usual self justification. He didn't WANT to talk because his actions/selfish acts would have been exposed.

It really didn't occur to me that he'd try to get a "fix" from me in any way. I guess I still don't get that.

I doubt that Drac ever really 'suffer' with not having Bugs in his life. He's fully entrenched himself in having made his choices, justified them in his mind, and is sticking to them like glue.

And ya know what? It's neither here nor there for me. Today I feel pretty neutral about it. Maybe he will someday come to the realization and as you say, SL, be willing to pursue me to the ends of the earth. Or maybe not.


SL, you are a wonderful role model! That's me, or at least that's what I am choosing to think.

I enjoyed my flight yesterday morning to Columbus with an older gentleman in the seat closest to me. He has been married for 43 years. We covered every subject from politics to yes, infidelity. He had some very interesting and thoughtful comments to make. Having just met me, he was very observant, supportive, concerned, and helpful. Suffice it to say, he'd fit in very well here on MB!

Anyway,,,,,it was yet another conversation that continues to help me along on my journey. Another boost to my confidence that my Drac-less life really is a good one filled with hope & promise.

I think that my attitude for a very long time has been to live my life,,,,, but all the while holding back just that little bit. As I said the other day to James, it's a very thin thread that kept me tied to Drac. I kept it there, despite it being so thin it was virtually invisible. I never realized how despite the fact it was thin, it was very very strong. I didn't fully see that it was continuing to pull me DOWN.

I was like a helium balloon tied to a string. Happy in my ability to fly, but not taking full advantage of it because I was tied to Drac.

I'm feeling much more free these days. I have the sensation of slowly rising to fly more freely.

I feel like I am rambling here,,,,,,,,,,,is it making any kind of sense to anyone??

OODLES and OODLES, lady. I'm right there with ya. Have a wonderful weekend!

Thanks, SL!

Sometimes I start typing out my thoughts/feelings and while it's all very honest, I don't know how much sense it makes.

You have a great weekend, too. Any big plans?


Mimi -


You know how I COUNT on you to ALWAYS keep it real!!

I luv ya, too!!!

..Applause for you, too, Bugsy...

And this...

Hope it doesn't mess up your lipstick!!

Awwww Mimi! You are too sweet!

No problem on the lipstick - I have the good extended wear on today!

I won't say much more about that, as we don't need BC getting all excited and making comments about girls kissing on my thread!

Now, I am off to get into true Goddess form for my dinner date tonight!

Cheering for you Bugs.. you sound so strong!

I'm cheering for you too, Bugs. I't kind of like watching Shy Di blossom into a Princess. You rock.

And SL, you are on a roll girlfirend. Tell us what you really think!!! You certainly came out of this whole thing sluggin' - woo hoo!

I'm so glad to have both of you as role models. I'm learning that there can be life after WHs......

and don't forget BELIEVER, Chai...

my H is "IN LOVE" with ME but I keep IMAGES of BELIEVER..and her gentleman caller... in the back of my mind for inspiration...she's closer to "OUR" LOVELY age..

I'm also 54...

Yes Mimi, Believer is another role model for those of us who may never reach recovery as you were fortunate enough to do. I guess we'll reach recovery - just in a different way.

At this point, I can't even imagine a "gentleman" caller, but maybe someday I'll be ready for that. If I don't die first.

Chai,

How come you can't IMAGINE? "IMAGINING" is a WONDERFUL coping device!!