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Joined: Oct 2008
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Hello,

I am on the rollercoaster and I want to get off.

Where to start?

I am a newly BS, and H announced/revealed that he started a relationship with someone that he works with at our first marital counseling session and wanted a divorce bc he was done.

Less than 12 hours, he had reconsidered and wants to work things out, if we can but is afraid that I will never get over his betrayal, I will be even more distant and that I will never change, the list goes on and on.

I do want to try but I am so angry and furious right now. I am tryng to be civil but sometimes the B comes out and I just can't help but lash out at him.

Within the last 12 months, I have had professional and personal issues collide. My work is very stressful and highlight during professional crisis was founding out we were going to have another addition to our family. Dec was also month that we had found out we were pregnant w/first child and close to bd and anniversary. Then my world came crashing down when I was told that my pregnancy was not going to progress further and basically having to wait to miscarry, almost 4 years to first pregnancy. I was given several options, natural, medication or surgery. I opted to let body/nature takes its course but ended up having a D and C anyway. (my child was home when it started and I had to keep it together to not scare and get to the doctor's office.

Shortly after my miscarriage, about month, my supervisor lost his wife when she suffered complications after surgery. They had both been good to me while I was pregnant and new to office and area. I am senior person in the office and tried to keep things running smoothly while dealing with the double whammy but stress of work was a little too much.

One day WH threw out an item that I had asked him to leave alone and I called him up on way to work and daycare w/our child and cussed him out-like a dog, he says, threatened to quit and leave bc I just could not do it all. Work full time, attempting to complete school, mother, and trying to manage house and then find time for us. I started seeing a therapist after that happened and therapist wanted to put me on a leave from work. I decided against it but opted to start using my vacation time-was afraid of losing my job.

Doctor gave okay to try to conceive again but thought of getting pregnant and miscarrying again put a damper on relations. I tried to express this to H but all he heard/felt was rejection. My courses are online so evening time is on computer about 4/5 hours a night 4 to 7 days in week, further cramping our time.

I have been seeing therapist off and on and thought we were back into a peak and out of the valley. Mid August, WH had two weekends in row that stayed out and didn't come home. Then coworker needed help moving items from another state back to home and stupid me, trusted and agreed.

I had contemplated taking a position at another office location in another state. I am tired of being the troubleshooter and fixing the same mistakes over and over in my department. I did not feel I should quit bc I have been with the company over 5 years and thought a change would be way to move up and promoted. Therapist nixed idea and H and I discussed other options. H even had asked if I was trying to leave w/o telling him. He went out of state and when he came back, everything had changed. He spent more nights away from home and when I tried to talk things out, he brought up seperation. Even had a bag packed and in vehicle during that week. Also brought up that I didn't take the position-that I never applied for!

Next visit to therapist, question was raised if H would be willing to come in and discuss our issues further. Response was I will do what I can to help you with your issues.
His complaints are mirror of mine, taken for granted, doesn't listen, he states I have treated him like S..T for years, begged for my love and affection and all I do is reject him.

Following week is when therapist and H talked and I started looking at marital counseling, which he agreed to but also making comments such as "will it work and will you change" We had another argument over phone, he states it was bc I wasn't getting the therapist I wanted but I was questioning his whereabouts from previous Sunday and plans for next weekend. H didn't come home, called late in evening to say stopped at bar bc didn't want to come home and deal with our situation. I hung up and when called back, he stated he wasn't going to come home and get a hotel room or something. I called the next day and asked if something had happened bc all the issues he was raising; all the old arguments and issues were rehashed by him.

The first session did not go bc he had to work but he actually came home and moved stuff out of the house and left that Saturday. (he had even called to say if he could come home that week but that must have been just to get stuff ready to move out of the house)

I had rescheduled session again but then he flat out said NO and I had to cancel. I was upset and even angrier when he moved his direct dep to another account. I called to let him know I was giving him space, did not want him to come over to the house but I would not keep our child from him. I asked that he not spoil and take her over/around to anyone who smokes-he was storing stuff at friends who are heavy smokers. Needless to say, he disregarded and was apologetic for upsetting me. He had also changed his mind about counseling so I gave him info to set up.

I had my suspicions bc of way H was acting, cell and keys weren't being laid down and being kept close to him.

Session was last Friday and OMG it still hurts...WH stated he began relationship with FCW and basically started the minute he walked out the door after moving his stuff. He told therapist he was done and wanted divorce. He even brought up old coworker friend of mine and in so many words said, something was going on but it seemed to have stopped. For the whole time that we have been together I have never cheated and basically let him and anyone else in the vicinity that evening know my feelings on his statement.

heading home I called OW, and thanked her for being Frigging HomeWrecker and also advised WH that "he was going to pay"
Less than 12 hours later, he called to say that he wants to try to work things out but also had moved in with OW on last Thursday of Sept. I was tired and exhausted and numb, bc I managed to stay calm and have a conversation with WH. We even cuddled up a little bit when he came over but when he tried to kiss me, I could not do it. I agreed but also told him that he couldn't have it both ways and reconciliation was not going to be possible while he stayed with OW. Sunday evening he left OW house but when he came over Monday evening, he still wouldn't answer the question as to whether he can keep his distance from her. WH was also upset that I was considering filing for legal separation, due to only giving me a third of his paycheck and further protecting myself and child, after we agreed to work things out.

We got into it yesterday regarding OW and keeping distance, again. He has started therapy for himself but reluctant regarding continuing marital counseling. MC Therapist had suggested both continue to seek counseling on individual basis or continue to see and they would mediate. I rescheduled again and response was "are you going to lose your mind again"

I have thought about exposing them to their coworkers- OW had been emailing him from work but mostly chain/FW em. One was questionnaire and question that stood out was When was the last time you cried-When I found out my DH had cheated on me.
Now OW wants WH to find himself and be sure what he wants-so has stopped their relationship, so he says. Too bad they didn't consider this before they decided to cheat. He has lied to me so many times with half truths, omissions, admissions, I find it hard to believe anything that he says now. I had also found email showing that he had registered for a site that puts married and single people together for EMA...I never expected this.

Someone at work had recommended HNHN; I haven't had time to buy it but stumbled across the site/forum.

I don't know if this is MLC or what. I am just upset and sick that for last 6 months, when I needed DH/WH most, he was just going through motions. H admitted as much in MC session but now tries to say he has been there for me. I even apologized for the yelling incident and that I wish I could be able to give him love, affection that he wants but with everything that has gone on, pre-A, I wasn't able to and he finally heard me! but a day later, H is back to not listening to my thoughts, feelings, opinions, explanations. How can we be friends? I want to work things out but I am so close to giving up and filing for it LS/D.....

BS-39
WH-41
D-4
M-almost 19 years
DD-9/26/08


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dazed,

Welcome to MB! So sorry that you are here.

Purchase the book Surviving An Affair and read the articles here about Infidelity. Dr. Harley has a pretty clear cut plan on how to work your way through Recovery.

Your WH has to agree to NC and send a NC letter. Best case scenario if he works with her is that he change jobs.

Hang in there, you will get some great help here.

I would also advise phone counseling with the Harleys. You will find that information on the website here as well.

Good luck.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Welcome to MB. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. So sorry about the loss of your baby.

MC is a big waste of time and money while he is living with the OW. The problem is the OW, and until there is no contact it is useless to examine the marriage together.

Read the stuff here and make one call to the Harleys if you can afford it. Plan A is the starting point, where you give him about 6 weeks of showing him what a good wife you could be, with no angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements.

So start there. Change anything he complained about before the affair. Try to figure out his top emotional needs - there is a questionnaire here - and meet them.

I think you will need to make some changes in your life also, because you just have too much going on. You must take better care of YOU.

Joined: Oct 2008
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That is part of the problem. I can't really take anything off my plate right now. It just adds to his You can't/won't change. I need to complete my degree so that if I decide to go elsewhere, at least I have completed my bachelor's. He is no longer with OW, but we still have a lot of hurt and anger between us. He has moved back but because he was still refusing NC w/OW, I checked his email from time to time. OW sent an email referring a book on why affair happen and added some comments. Since the email came from work, I reported it to their HR; they took a closer look at her activities and fired her. So now he is mad at me bc he feels guilty that she got fired bc of him and how could I be so vindictive? to him, she was never a part of our problems-DENIAL, IMO. BC they still talked, he had to have told her that I was checking the email. He'd shut the phone off so that we couldn't talk but talks to her bc she was his friend and worried about him....
She fired a shot across the bow and I responded in kind. He even told me that she figured out it was me and that her email pushed my buttons...yet I am the villian!
I am just so frustrated bc he is angry at my actions and yet I can not be angry at his past/continuing actions. Even though he has come back "home" I am still doing everything and he has not done much to regain my trust. He was actually going to leave again but asked to stay so that we could talk things out but then nothing happened. We are going to MC but it is very hard not to just give up and proceed to Plan D. He rebuffs my attempts to reconnect or will make a point of telling me that work sucks bc everyone is bummed that OW is gone and how well liked she was! I wonder if he will look back and realize how much of a jerk he is being. We are both going to individual therapists-thank goodness for work benefits


BS-42
WH-44
DD-7
M-21 years
DD-9/26/08
He filed for divorce 10/2009
No longer w/OW #1 02/10
OW #2 06/2010??
Settlement Agreement 05/11
Divorce Finalized 08/2011

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
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Time together is fundamental to a working marriage. A couple of questions to ponder: Can't or won't take something off the plate? Is or isn't this marriage a priority? Is or isn't it the single most important thing of your entire life?


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Your WH is i the "fog". He does not see reality yet, or at least will not admit to it.

He is in protect his affair partner mode because he has not gone through withdrawal for her yet. WH choses to say that you got the OW fired. We all know that the OW chose to send that last email. It was the OW's actions that got her fired.

It is natural to want everything back to the way it was. But remember you don't want that. You want better than before. This will take work and time.

It can take your WH six months to go through withdrawal from the OW. There can be several more D days that sets back recovery. In all it can take two to five year to recover the marriage.


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It's kind of hard to work on marriage/reconcillation when he only spares a few minutes in the day to talk to me, checks in more often with her by phone or text, makes comments/texts that he is feeling down and bc I won't take accountability for reporting the email to work....I'm the bad guy. It's hard bc he's holding back funds and other information from me and yet states that I attempt to control through "money and contact"

My supervisor is aware of situation but there is only so much leeway that can be given before it starts becoming an issue. I work with people who are more than willing to throw me under the bus, so if this doesn't work-(5 Years!)I need to make sure that I have my bachelor's and keep my job as long as I am able. He's mentioned the possibility of being fired himself but he has also said that he hates the job bc he feels so guilty that "he cost her her job".
I have tried to emotionally connect and he's not been open to it/has stated only reason was bc therapist told me to at one time. When I have tried to hug, kiss, he tolerates it. Last night we got into it and when he came home, he asked for a hug. If I refused or tolerated it, I know it doesn't help us, but I can't help but be mad at the double standard BS that is going on right now.
today, he was on phone with mutual friend and I happened to walk out to hear--Did STBX tell you that (me) got OW fired? (just omitting the most pertinent info-see previous post)that I just could not believe it and went back in the house. then I decided I didn't want to be around at all and got my stuff to head out and drive around. He asked what was going on/where was I heading and I told him to make up a story. I drove for about 10-15 minutes came back and got our child-bc if he's going to put spin on story-I feel he'd say I abandoned our child-well he was not happy with that and basically said I was splitting hairs on who did what to who regarding firing and made comment on how my mind is working to think that he'd say or do anything like that/regarding abandonment, then accuses me of treating our child like baggage. Our new MC has stated that there is still a lot of hurt and anger-which is true.


BS-42
WH-44
DD-7
M-21 years
DD-9/26/08
He filed for divorce 10/2009
No longer w/OW #1 02/10
OW #2 06/2010??
Settlement Agreement 05/11
Divorce Finalized 08/2011

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Quote
checks in more often with her by phone or text

As long as there is contact of any kind, the affair is still on. I know you're hurt and you're angry right now and it's understandable. Been there, done that. MB has Plan A and Plan B created by Dr. Harley. Have you read about them? The first thing you need to decide is whether you want to save your marriage. Do you?

Read up on Plan A, get the book "Surviving an Affair", call the Harley's for a counseling session (just for you) if you can swing it. Marriage counseling is a waste of time as long as there is an active affair and in your care, there is.

Plan A isn't about being a doormat but it does require some actions on your part that seem counterintuitive at first. One of the best descriptions was written by a long-time poster here named Pep. It's called "The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A". I'll see if I can find it for you and post it, or maybe somebody else has it handy?

So sorry you're here but you've stumbled on the BEST place to help you through this, however it goes.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Person at work recommended HNHN originally and once I found site also realized I would need SAA but bookstore had one and not the other.
I realize that it has gone back to being an EA. New MC even told him that reconcilation is near impossible when 3 people are involved. He went to own therapist and not sure what exact words were but when I asked him what he's being told, It complicates things...Duh.
He had told me he was going to leave again and go back to other coworker friend that he has been staying with, I had to leave the house to get some air/cry away from our child. I went into work-which is almost 40 minute drive on a workday and got my frustation out in cube by starting a major overhaul in desk/some late/early spring cleaning if you will.
When I came back home, he didn't mention it but I did tell him that he needed to think which days he was going to keep our child and he asked if I was going to file for divorce....I don't think I answered his question directly (I get so mad sometimes I can't recollect like I normally do) but I did tell him that he is not going to shut his phone off and leave me with all the responsibility again. It's not fair to me or our child. He said okay but funny thing is..he hasn't left. He noticed that my phone was locked and made a comment about that and then questioning if I had actually gone to work! Big mistake, I pointed out that he still keeps his phone within reach and when he offered to let me look, when I mentioned text messages too, he didn't offer again (if I wasn't so mad, I may have managed!) I did tell him that he has no right to question my comings and goings and who I talk to, and he agreed.
Now he did go to his therapist yesterday and we talked a bit more; he was going to wait to see what advice was going to be stay or go. He stated if I ever use our child like a "pawn" his view my abandonment accusation, it will get ugly....
He is going to MC by himself to discuss further and I guess depending on how it goes...try to facilitate Plan A or Plan B, due to continuing contact with OW.
he now admits that OW was being spiteful with the email but still states that I was too...


BS-42
WH-44
DD-7
M-21 years
DD-9/26/08
He filed for divorce 10/2009
No longer w/OW #1 02/10
OW #2 06/2010??
Settlement Agreement 05/11
Divorce Finalized 08/2011

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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You need support. You need to expose the affair to his family, your family, her family, and his friends. Anyone who will disapprove and make life uncomfortable for them to continue to contact each other. Where is the No Contact letter? Step #1.

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I have exposed the affair to both sides of family. He will not agree to NC now that OW is unemployed. Our most recent MC session ended with no resolution for future because he doesn't know if he wants to stay in marriage or divorce. He says he can't abandon her or me...but in a sense he has bc he is still home in body but not in emotionally sense. I did ask for separation at MC session and he has offered to support my monetarily with an apartment if I let him stay in house w/our child-yet he can't leave and get an apartment himself bc he can't afford it??

He has also stated more than once when asked by this therapist that he would want to pursue a relationship with OW if we do end up divorcing. He has asked if I would stay in area if we did divorce-I would like to but until I can figure out pros/cons asking/receiving support or just walking away and supporting myself and child. The thought of him trying to establish a relationship with OW and involving our child into their relationship just makes me ill/angry/uncomfortable....


BS-42
WH-44
DD-7
M-21 years
DD-9/26/08
He filed for divorce 10/2009
No longer w/OW #1 02/10
OW #2 06/2010??
Settlement Agreement 05/11
Divorce Finalized 08/2011

dazed9379 #2162457 11/22/08 11:05 PM
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I have also told him that I will be visiting sister in Georgia for Thanksgiving. he can spend time with B and SIL-brother has been voice of support during this time for him and SIL for me. WH has stated that B and SIL now see that some of the things he told them about me are true but don't know whether to believe or not since they are family. I can see B siding with him over me and that hurts.

I also will be taking off to visit family after Christmas and over New Year. I can't see us celebrating my birthday and our anniversay and ringing in New Year with much enthusiasm. It is also anniversary of being told our/my second pregnancy was going to end in miscarriage. We haven't really discussed Christmas for us, rather what are we going to do for our child.

He has now said the Woulda/Coulda/Shoulda and my response has been Hindsight is great but we'll never know now will we? Without anger or bitterness, even when he said I drove him to have the affair this past weekend.

I don't know if he is still in fog or denial of actions or what. I don't know if it is part of script because now the issues that he said drove him to have the affair are not same issues now that I've tried to resolve some of them. He questions when I am affectionate and then asks if I have moved on. He asks if I would tell him if I met someone new and then disbelieves my response.

I am just not sure what to do or what I want to do right now because his inaction is saying more than words......


BS-42
WH-44
DD-7
M-21 years
DD-9/26/08
He filed for divorce 10/2009
No longer w/OW #1 02/10
OW #2 06/2010??
Settlement Agreement 05/11
Divorce Finalized 08/2011


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