I posted this in the Plan A/B forum but there's just not much traffic there.

Here’s my story. The gist of it is my WW is having an affair with a 50 year old con man who has no job, no money, no car, no house, is an alcoholic, has several DUI’s , a criminal past, and is a second cousin of hers.

My WW is 34, college educated stay at home mother who is also a horse trainer. We have a daughter who is 3 and a son who will soon be 6. I am 34 with a very well paying occupation.

Around June of last year, she was training a horse that was causing her a lot of frustration. The OM offered to help her with it. Within a month or so, she had done a very nice job with the uncontrollable horse and was justifiably proud of what she had accomplished.

From Summer of 07 to Spring of 08, my WW and the OM did a lot for each other with each other’s horses. Starting around March of 08, she and the OM would stay up from 10pm-3am breeding the WW’s pony stallion. This would go on for weeks at a time through March, April, and May of this year. Since he was her cousin, and my WW comes from a family of horsemen, I knew brutal hours were part of the business and didn’t think much of it.

Also in May and June, my wife would go and help the OM with his horses – she would talk about the really neat moonlit rides she went on with him. Around the last week of June, the OM’s father successfully sues to get him kicked off his farm. So, the OM calls my WW to come to his rescue. Lo and behold, the folks that lived in our tenant house moved out in April and it’s been empty for a couple of months. In exchange for doing work around the farm, he can live in the house since he is family.

Within two days, my WW literally turns on me. Since the OM is doing the chores I usually do around the farm, I don’t have anything to do around the house and the WW is getting frustrated with me due to being egged on by the OM. When it is just me, the WW and the kids, everything is like old times. When the OM is around, the WW is brutal to me.

Throughout the month of July, I would come home from work and the WW and OM would be in MY kitchen making dinner like a young couple in love. My 3 year old daughter would see the look on my face, grab my hand, lead me to the family, room, sit me down next to her and say “My Daddy”. Every time I asked what was going on, the WW would tell me I was nuts.

On July 25th, I got a vasectomy. We had talked about this for a couple of years now. Three days later, she says she is not in love with me anymore, not sure if she ever loved me, the marriage has been a sham etc. etc etc. I suspect something is up with her and the OM but she says I’m crazy, he’s my cousin, etc, etc, etc. Throw in some deep money issues due to getting in over our heads with the horse farm and for next three weeks she just berates me in front of the kids while she and the OM kind of just smirk at each other.

On August 19th, I catch them naked in bed together. At this point, I call the OM’s father and he tells me that the OM has done this about half a dozen times in the last 10 years. He never thought he would be bold enough to do this to a family member. His MO is to make friends with the wife and husband, help the wife with her horses, make her feel good about herself while observing where the weaknesses are in the marriage.
After a few months, he’s a good friend of the family, the family needs work done around the place and he is invited to stay while he does the work. It’s at this point where he makes his big move on the wife and splits the family apart. This is exactly what he did.

The next day, he convinces my wife to file a Protection For Abuse order against me meaning I can’t talk to her, go on the farm, or see the kids for a year. Unfortunately in Delaware you don’t really need any evidence to do this. As a result, I am forced to get an apartment which exacerbates our money situation. So at this point, I am kicked out of the house, the OM is living in the house with my WW and DS and DD.

August 29th (10th anniversary) we have the hearing on the PFA. The WW pulls some shenanigans to get the hearing delayed to Sept 24. This was actually a good thing because it gave me a chance to rally her family to help bust them apart (whose mother would want their daughter to run off with her 50 year old 2nd cousin?).

In the meantime, this really gives me a chance to regroup. I bought SAA, went to counseling, on 9/22/08 I had an appointment with Jennifer. She gives me some GREAT pointers for the PFA hearing.
- first time I see her, smile and say Hi
- look GOOD – I’ve lost 30 pounds in the last two months, grew a goatee, etc She’s been bugging me for a while to lose weight.
- be emotionally strong, smile a lot, be a nice guy and someone she wants to be with.
- NO LOVE BUSTERS, DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS, ETC
- Try and angle it so she HAS to spend time with me (we haven’t seen or talked to each other than email nasty grams sent by her since 8/19)

Any ways, she wants to conference with our lawyers. For the first 30 minutes or so she is deep, deep, deep in the fog. In fact, she make zero sense when she is talking. Both her and my lawyer think she is crazy. After awhile, she breaks down crying (she has shown ZERO remorse up to this point). A few minutes later, we start talking like old times. The attorneys leave us alone. She breaks down again and she and I hug for a minute or so. (she didn’t even hug me when she said she wanted a divorce). She also said I look great. We talk for about 2.5 – 3 hours alone. In the last half hour or so, the OM comes down to the café where we were talking. Her attitude switches. She starts justifying what a great guy he is, how he is misunderstood, etc. I almost bite a hole in my lower lip but did not drop any LB’s or DJ’s. Plus we both agree to drop the PFA’s.

Any ways, we agree for no formal arrangements with the kids yet, plus with the financial situation the way it is, both of us NEED to sit down at least once a week and talk about money going out and what we will pay and what will be let go.

At this point, I am slowly building a bridge to her and she appears to at least have climbed back onto the fence.

When evaluating where I am at this point, I am in plan A which really is not working all that great - the WW still thinks there is nothing wrong with her actions and behaviors. However, since she is known in the horse world, she DOES NOT want me to contact anyone in the horse industry which shows she is ashamed with what she has done.

Jennifer has recommended I go to plan B in a week or two. At this point, I agree with her. Even though the hearing went really well, she unleashed a brutal verbal attack the other day which is leaving me questioning my wisdom of trying to salvage the marriage.

The verbal attack is not real. It is just a way to try to hurt you. I did the same thing to my WW and she brought this up to the MC. MC says it is a way to try to hurt the person but it is not how they really feel.

Don't let that stop you from R. She is deep in fog. She is showing signs of wanting to work it out. Waffling. Should I, shouldn't I and so on. I would keep up with PLAN A.

EDIT: Stay away from the attorneys. They are in it to fight, not for you to recover your marriage. R = NO $$ for them. My WW filed D and once attorneys were involved, it got bad. I managed to PLAN A long enough to get her to drop the D and R is going well.

Hi SB,

OMG! What a cad!! To the nth degree!

Your situation sounds promising, though, especially after the A ends. Did Jennifer advise you to expose? You will be encouraged to do that here by many.

This part of your story got me right in the heart:



I feel so BAD for you, SB!! I'm sorry you are going through this nastiness!

But here you will get great advice to recover your marriage.

Charlotte

Follow Jennifer's lead. Plan A hard for a week or two and slip into the Plan B darkness.

You have come a long way in just 3-posts. I remember your first post to IDNWAD. We have not been able to get through to him at all.

Sorry you are here, but it sounds like you are on board with a strong plan.

We are meeting tommorrow to discuss financials at the local Dairy Queen. It will be interesting if she shows up with the OM.If she does, I am out of there.

Unfortunatly with the PFA's, lawyers have been deeply involved. She wasn't happy I filed for adultry . One bright spot over the last couple of days is the OM broke into his father's place and pushed him around. Rumor has it the OM now has a warrant for his arrest for Criminal Tresspassing and Assault. If and when the OM is served (still not conviced his father actually pressed charges), I will file a restraining order against him to keep him away from my kids.

As for exposure, this has been exposed pretty well - her whole family knows, my whole family knows. As of right now, she is not talking to her identical twin sister or her mother.

As part of the carrot and the stick, she delusionally wants to keep our horse farm - unforunatly for her, she needs my salary to do it. Hopefully by going over the numbers with her, she will start to see the light.

Not all attorneys are in it for the money. There really ARE some that care. Just sayin'.

Hey, all that sounds good, SB!

I think that the horse farm will probably be the thing that gets to her. I have horses myself, so I can totally see that coming! I will be surprised if that's not the thing that finally breaks the fog!

Charlotte

SB,

Disgusting, puke, glad I'm not your children's grandfather. Sorry and hope you can pull your life back together.

Was talking to my wife about her pastor taking in marginal people told her it was a really bad idea. People with nothing to lose can do you no good, it's unfortunately that way. Think I'll show her your post.

Amazing how many women have no idea how good they have it financially.

God Bless
NJ

Hey there S

I remember your sitch. Aren't you so glad that you consulted the pros.

Your positive approach sounds just the ticket. But I have to ask,
does WW like the goatee?

I hope it works for you but don't hold out much hope. I tried this with my WW and it failed. Remember that the fog prevents them from seeing things clearly. I laid everything out for my WW about the house, car, kids, her not having to work now and I explained how she is making a huge mistake. Her only response was "I know I am" and she filed anyway. As mentioned, the D was dropped and we are in R but it is only because of PLAN A.

Yeah, but did you have a horse farm?

Horses are a very powerful force.

Charlotte

Dancing_Machine,

You are sooo correct about horses being very, very powerful. In fact, this is what caused the affair as well. You can kind of say the horses are one of her top two EN's.

The OM's MO is to get the wife to start to feel good about her riding, tell them they can go far with him etc, etc. He is a GREAT talker. She told me there was no passion - how she loved the midnight rides he took her on, etc etc etc. He basically used the horses against me since I am not a natural horseman - I just pay for them!

Yes she does - she says it makes me look younger. Plus, before the hearing I asked all the women at work if I looked ridiculous or not and they love it too.

Her identical twin sister likes it a lot also.

A couple of updates. The OM will be served with his arrest warrent on Tuesday for felony trespassing and felony assuault on his 73 year old father. Once that happens, I will file at the courthouse to get him permanently evicted from the farm.

I would imagine my wife would be advised NOT to fight the eviction - it would not look good in a custody battle. That way, I can actually start a real plan A and try and at least get the financial house in order. Her family and I have all noticed she is a very, very different person when she is around him. With him out of the picture, I can start rebuilding the marriage again without outside interference.

Since your wife does not want her actions and the affair becoming known to others in her industry....use the threat of exposure as a tool. I am not sure why she is worried about this other than being embarrassing but if it works so be it.

Be careful blaming everything on the OM...yes he has manipulated this very well and you may ONLY be saved due to his shooting himself in the foot with his assault on his father. Your wife for some reason chose to be with him over you and took false action to remove you from the home and your children. Something is not right there with her!!!

Don't assume that this warrant will remove him from your home as well, make sure a lawyer agrees that action will be successful on this. People tend to be slapped on the wrist sometimes.

If he is removed, then first get the wife to drop the charges on you.

You are right about something not being right with her - a lot of her fog talk has been really, really out from left field. Plus, once I was off the farm, he conviced her to bring his 10 horses over. At the courthouse she told me she was going to help train his horses free of charge so he can sell them and pay off his back child support! Also, both of us agreed to have the PFA's dropped against us.

Who pays for the day to day running of the farm that he can get away with this?

The LLC which is in both of our names pays for the day to day running of the farm. On Monday, she called and said she had no cash because she had used the business check card like a credit card! It's the beginning of the month - she'll have board money coming in.

The OM's deal was he'll help with chores in exchange for room and board. His horses were not part of the original agreement. They showed up after I was kicked off the farm. I'm also in the process of 1099'ing the OM to the IRS - he entered into a barter agreement and the free rent, food, and board of his horses are taxable income. With his horses on the farm, it comes out to about $7000 per month in taxable income.

Sorry for all of the questions!

After what happened on Tuesday, I DO NOT want to answer the phone when she calls - I just let it go to voice mail then call her back.

On Tuesday, she left a message talking about the kids school, etc - a nice message. I call her back and she just berates me on the phone for no reason - it was quite nasty. Things like comparing SF with me vs him etc, etc. It gave me a chance to take really good notes though!

So, when she calls, should I just man up and answer it or go to VM to see what her mood is?

No, what you should do is expose her to her peers. The one thing she does not want. Then get an order of protection against OM for your children. Doesn't he have a warrant against him.

Your children need you. Stop playing Mr. Nice Guy so you don't upset your wife. Time to man up and protect your kids.

The exposure should handle itself - he is going to be arrested on Tuesday which is my wife's big lesson day on the farm. As for the kids, as soon as he is arrested I am filing the order of protection against him for the kids.