Sorry for the T/J Bugs, but Mimi let me tell you why.

After everything that I've learned through this ordeal, some facts and thoughts stick in my head:

1. 75% of second marriages fail, 85%of third, and 96% of 4th!
2. I don't want to be anyones 2nd or 3rd anything
3. I took vows to be married only once
4. Another marriage would bring x-wives, step children, etc.
5. I'm 54. Would have no history with someone else
6. Wouldn't really know their history or background
7. I don't want to be a nurse or a purse.....

So I guess "imagining" brings bad thoughts. Of course, I don't have to get married again. I guess I could just date huh?

Hi Bugs,

It's been a long time girl. I won't say I have been busy, I would say that I have been isolating and avoiding on here and in life in general. I'm tired of suiting up and showing up, and my food has been so out of control. But I don't want to focus on me.

Knowing how much you still hold out hope for Drac, I would have hoped G-d would have given you your prayer and wish. I think it was someone on here who once told me that G-d answers all prayers, sometimes the answer is NO and we don't want that.

You are absolutely amazing in your walk and taking life as it comes. I wish I could be as gracious as you.

Johnstwin mentioned a few weeks ago, she wonders if G-d is protecting us from the WH's. Make you think, doesn't it. They are selfish, sick human beings and we are getting healthier and learning what it takes to create a most amazing relationship.

Drac is STUPID, but he is also not a healthy man and most people have it dead on, he keeps masking or avoiding his pain in other choices but the one true one. His loss for sure, but for you and me, that really isn't any comfort. For us, we just learn to move on and accept life on lifes.

I hope you are having a good weekend and I miss you so much.

Too funny Chai...

Chai,



Yeah, those are the statistics. WE don't have to be a statistic. I'm NOT going to be one, I know THAT!!



And you don't have to be, either. Who said you will?



So did I. For me it was going to be forever. But it wasn't. I'm not going to let this be a deciding factor for me should I ever decide to get married again. You shouldn't either.



Not necessarily. Maybe he will be younger than you. That would be a good thing since we tend to live longer than men.



Then you MAKE history and memories with another person. You are going to live at least another 50 years, maybe even longer. I'm learning to enjoy getting to know people. I was always really shy. This whole thing really changed that.



See above. It will be a great adventure!



LOL! Well, that's why a young stud is in order. No worries about being a nurse...and HE would be the purse. Arm candy!! WOO!



No. You don't. I don't see that right now, either. Just can't fathom it. I don't even want to be around any men, except for Shiny, my dance instructor and men in the family.

My professor asked me on the last day of class about my wedding ring. Well, I'm still married; AND, it keeps men away. At least for the most part. If they aren't Pakistani wrecker drivers, anyway! :RollieEyes:

But you know, we are both still married so it's not even something we need to think about at this point in time.

Love & kisses!!

Charlotte

slight t/j...

Hey Chai, did you find the book? I just found out I couldn't ask you on the other thread because it's locked. BIG surprise there, eh?

Charlotte

P.S.) Hi Bugs! Sorry that vampire is still getting under your skin. You know what happens when you invite them in!! (Or in your case, back in!)

Morning everyone.


Honestly, I love the t/j's going on here. It's nice to see discussion about something other than Drac going on here for a change!

Well, my date Friday night went very, very well. It is as if I've turned a bit of a corner with having the more open attitude. We talked for hours and hours. It's really nice to have conversation with someone who is very much interested in me. As Mimi said, to have a gentleman caller.

Chai, DM already addressed most everything I was going to say about your post. I don't want to be a nurse or a purse either. I'm not ready for someone else's kids or ex-wives. The way I'm looking at it is that it doesn't have to be that way and while I'm thinking about those things I'm viewing dating as having the opportunity to interview a lot of different candidates!

We were up almost all night talking, so I didn't get much sleep, so I took most all of yesterday to recover! ha! I haven't done 'nothing' all day for a long time, but that is exactly what I did yesterday.

Well, I did have to go to DSS's football game. I pulled into the parking lot about 12 minutes late and saw DD and Drac just walking towards the field. When I walked up, Drac saw me & told DD I was there. She ran over to me. After hugs & kisses, I took her hand and walked right by where Drac was standing. As we went by I said, we're going to sit down and left him standing there.

At half time we went to get DD a drink at the concession stand. Drac kind of followed, so I let her go with him for him to buy her drink. She came back to me & we started walking back over to the stands. Drac started talking. Telling me about an incident that DSS's best friend had with some older guys. He said he'd called & left messages for the coach 2x that week but had no call back, so he was going up to the school this week to talk to the coach about the friend & to ask about DSS's not getting any playing time. I didn't comment other than something, "Hmm, really?".

I guess it was more of him proving what a great guy/dad he is? Whatever.

DD & I went back to our seats. Drac followed. He sat right by me, but I didn't start any conversation with him. I wasn't that I intentionally ignored him, I just didn't open any conversation. DD and I talked & joked during the game. DSS did get to play a few downs, but didn't do very well. They did win the game. After, DD & I walked over to the side of the field where DSS would walk off so I could say hi. Drac followed (again). After I saw DSS, I gave DD hugs & kisses and went to leave. Drac told me to have a nice weekend. I replied with a "see ya".

I wasn't rude. I wasn't tense. I wasn't nervous. I simply attended a game and ran into someone that I knew, but didn't want to engage in a conversation. Atleast that is how it felt to me.

Just living a Bug's Life. And it's a good one, I think.

DS's first ever football game is today! Your interaction with Drac sounds very similar to how I am with the Z, except I won't be sitting right next to him. I usually show up first and HE sits next to me; I guess he would feel weird otherwise. Who knows?

As for all this talk about dating, well, I'm rarin to go, ladies. I've said it a gazillion times, but I'm ready for amanda huginkiss. I may not hit the jackpot right away, but I KNOW I will again. I'll give you that I'm not in my 50's, but I see two ladies on this board who are older than 30 with their gentlemen callers, very happy, very positive.

As for marrying into a premade family, the likelihood is pretty high for someone my age. That's okay. It's TOUGH for sure, being as I come from one of those families, and know how hard us kids made it.

I don't know if/when I'll ever get married again. I only know that there will be NO CRUMBS associated with it, AT ALL.

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about my boundaries, that I will not be in a serious relationship with someone who doesn't think to call me if he's running very late or who doesn't consider me at all in his decision making process, because we will have discussed the subject and agreed upon a course of action. She said, "There are some trips that husband goes on and doesn't contact me for three days at a stretch--it's no big deal". My jaw dropped to the floor and I told her she's flirting with disaster. She didn't like that, so I backed down, and just told her about MY boundaries in that particular situation. Her response was "if you put too many WALLS in place like that, you will be alone for a long time" My response "I would rather be alone than with someone who does not value me, and vice versa."

I can't expect her to understand. I only know that I feel better equipped for the time that I am in another serious relationship. My next partner will benefit greatly from my hard earned knowledge.

I know some of you may still be fighting to save your marriage. I'm not, so this is just my take. I never thought I would be itching for the divorce, but I am.

Bugs. SL.

You two are awesome!!! It's just amazing to see how far you two have come, and just since I've been around. Wow.

Me? I was probably just M too long, that's all. I'm sure if I were 15 years younger I would have a totally different attitude. You two are looking at the prime ages of your life, I'm looking at the nursing home.

Bugs, it's funny how I've seen Drac go from not giving a hoot about DS to suddenly becoming the helicopter parent. What's up with that? What a difference a Ho makes....

Charlotte, thanks for the reply. It's just me being "old" and tired I guess. By purse, I really meant $$$, but I guess I could be considered arm candy too - to a 90 year old!!!!

But, I hadn't thought about getting arm candy for me!! It seems that the younger guy/older woman thing is OK these days. But man, I'd sure hate the feeling that I was dating my son.....

Like you, I'm in no rush. I kind of like coming home to my private little space right now. I've even reached a point now where if I was faced with the option to recover, I don't know that I would. The desire isn't quite there like it once was. I've imagined how it would be, and I'm just not sure that I preserved the feelings to make a go of it.

As a matter of fact, my DD again says that her dad is not with OP because OP has another boyfriend. Now, we all know that my DD is not reliable, but it made me MAD. Mad at OP. I wanted to call her and tell her a thing or two about it. How dare she do that after WH destroyed a family, a retirement fund, a future for her. She lost nothing, we lost everything. I was surprised at my reaction this time around. After analyzing it a little, I realized that I may be beyond the will to R.

Time changes things for sure.....

Have a great weekend ladies. I saw Stroke of Genius and it was really a good movie. Who knew? A movie about a windshield wiper.....

Didn't have time to get the book last night, but am getting ready to leave to get it today. It's about 80 here and sunny, so a great day to lay on the deck and read....

Bugs, you mentioned Columbus. If you ever get over this way again let me know. I'll treat you to Starbucks....

CHAI..OH MY GOD..SPEAK FOR YOURSELF..WE ARE AT THE PRIME AGES OF OUR LIVES!! My goodness..who wants to be raising children and having those monthlies...NOT ME...

Girlfriend, FREE YOURSELF from this MINDSET!!!

Hey SL!


I didn't think I was ready to be kissed. I was reminded of a movie where the guy asked, "when was the last time you've been thoroughly kissed?" It's been well over a year since a man has kissed me. Well, other than family or friends with a peck on the cheek. It was actually longer than that since I'd been 'thoroughly kissed". It was most excellent, I must say.


EXACTLY my sentiments.

Chai - Girl how can you think that you aren't in the Prime of your life? It's all in how YOU decide to look at it. As Mimi said, you need to free yourself from that mindset.


Don't make me come back to Columbus already with the hammer! Stop that Stinkin Thinkin!! :twobyfour:


It's only a NUMBER. What matters most if finding someone who is on the same page with you, your goals, your values. While you look to find that someone, don't rule anyone out because of a number. Be open to giving any of them an "interview" opportunity.

V is actually 8 years younger than I am - but I can't think of anyone I've met in recent memory (older or younger) who is more on the same page as I am with everything we've discussed so far. I, for one, was very surprised to realize this.

V & I did talk about my being older than he is. I know that it gave him a moment of pause (he was up front about it). I had my doubts too, as Drac is also younger than me. At one time I thought it was a good thing,,,,then with many things Drac said during the divorce, I started to believe I was "TOO OLD. TOO set in my ways. TOO boring" I then figured out that was all Bullshite justification from Drac.

The important thing is that V & I have decided to take the time to start to get to know each other and put the 'age' thing to the side. Now it doesn't seem to be an issue for either one of us.


Most definately with you on that! I love my home and the space/privacy I have here. I'm in no big hurry to change that whatsoever. Although having a gentleman caller here at MY invitation is going to be enjoyable, too.

About this -

I asked myself the same question. Perhaps he has been much more involved/caring than I've been giving him credit for? If so, then I'm happy that is the case for DSS's sake. It changes nothing else.

I know that I am doing better. Today at church, I prayed for Drac as I always do every day but it felt different. Although in the past I have always tried to pay with the intent of it being for Drac alone,,,,,with my letting go of him to let God deal with him - there has always been an element of it still having a connection with me. That very tiny thread was always there. Today it wasn't.

I've always had the vision of someday being able to be standing there in church with Drac & the kids. All of us together as we should be. Yet, I've known that is a long way off with Drac needing to do so much changing/healing on his own & with God.

While I am most certainly not head over heels for V, I will admit to thinking about him more and I have thought about the potential for a realtionship with him. What came to mind today is that I could totally see V standing there in church with me. It was/is easy to invision. That surprised me.

I will definately let you know next time out in Columbus - - I have a lot of customers there and visit on a fairly regular basis. Nice city!

I'm off to change out of church clothes and mow some grass. Nice weather here today, and I may also get some time to catch some rays this afternoon!

Mimi - - Continue your crusade to show Miss Chai the Goddess Powers that you wield! Fabluous over Fifty! You are the perfect example!!

FABULOUS OVER FIFTY!! I LIKE THAT!!

(waving arm madly in the air...)....Ooh!! I got it!! I know the answer to that trivia question!!!!!!! Pick me! Pick me!!

"That Thing You Do"



"You-ooo-ooo.....doin't that thing you doo-ooo-ooo

Breakin' my heart into a million pieces....

Like you always doo-ooo-ooo-ooo.....

And you-ooo-ooo...don't mean to be crue-ooo-ool...

Ya never even knew about the heartache.....

I've been goin' through-ooo-ooo-ooo!!

I try and try to forget you girl,

But it's just so hard to do...

Every time you do that thing you doo-ooo-ooo!"

Yeah, that was when Guy was talking to Faye outside the hotel and the porter was egging them on. LOL!! Awwww...that was cute!

Charlotte

Charlotte wins the prize! Yes, I love that movie (in fact, i just recorded it last night!)

I think it is particularly appropriate for me because of the whole Jimmy/Faye/Guy situation. Faye loves Jimmy with all of her heart to the point of being blind to how totally self centered he is, all the while not noticing what a great man Guy is. Guy sees Faye & appreciates her in every way that Jimmy doesn't. In the end everyone shows their true colors and the best couple ends up together.

I, like Faye, have been allowing my love for Drac and my desire to save my marriage to somewhat blind me to the facts. Yes, I know about Drac's faults & what is necessary for him to ever change, but I didn't let that stop me from continuing to love him and hope for the changes to come. Like Faye, I was willing to accept crumbs while hoping for more. Hoping for a return to the way it was at the beginning - or at least for the chance to work on it.

A small part of me still wants that,,,,,,,,,but the bigger part of me is no longer sitting still waiting for that to happen.

The bigger part of me is now opening my eyes & my mind to see the good in other men. I'm thankful to all of the wonderful MB Guys for helping me to see on a regular basis that there are still a lot of Very Good Guys out there! I am almost certain that I'd be even more jaded about men if we didn't have Chrisner, BC, James, SDGuy, LG, Mark, and so many others here. Thanks guys!

I finished mowing the front yard, but I need to wait for the sun to move into the back yard a bit more before finshing. It's still a little too wet. I have some final pool work I am going to do here in a while.

I will admit to thinking a bit about DD/DSS/Drac today. DD told me that they are going to the zoo today. That was always a special family outing for us. In fact, it was about this time of year that we had our last family zoo outing. Makes me a bit nostalgic. Makes me a bit sad that we're not there together. Fall is absolutely my favorite time of year,,,,,,,,,for some reason I am always in a more romantic frame of mind.

Alas, it is what it is.

I think I'll go sit outside and do some reading while waiting for the sun to move.

Mimi - - I've started my Fabulous phase of life at 40. I fully intend to continue it well into Fabulous Fifty and Sexy Sixty!!

Wow Bugs, I think that WH needs to be DRAC 2, no kidding. I absolutely think this is my H and his journey is the same. The only difference is that if WH's A ended, I don't think he would go somewhere else. I think he would eventually come home. But we would be back at the same problem. Is he willing to do the real work for HIMSELF. Forget our M.

And like Drac, I don't know.

We really have such similar stories, I never realized.

Aww Bugsy.. you gone and made me smile on a Monday..


I'm so happy to hear that things went well on your date.

And hey.. with the Autumn romance in the air, be sure to give thanks for V as well.. I'm sure even as you take things slow, having someone who cares around from time to time will help shake the chill that is starting to set in the air.

You sound marvelous Bugs.. keeping you and the kiddos in my prayers.

Morning!

Just had to pop on real quick with a "here's a first" note.

Last night, for the first time, I honestly, totally, completely forgot to have DD call Drac. It did not even occur to me at all until he sent an email at 10 pm.

Now, that may seem strange to you, but it's kind of a big deal to me. You see I don't recall ever forgetting to have her call unless we were out doing something and time simply got away from me. Because I always seemed to be thinking about Drac,,,,,and was very concerned with what he would think or how he would feel if she didn't call.

I'm taking it as a sign that my personal recovery is going better than I may have thought?!?

His email didn't really even bother me. It said, "Any reason for Ladybug not calling me in the evenings these days?"

In the past, it would have bothered me that he was intimating that this happens a lot. It's happened ONCE. I simply replied that we forgot. I added that I didn't understand his comment about it being "evenings", as if it has happened more than just tonight. In the past I would have gone on and on about that and been worried with his thoughts and feelings.

Not this time.

I have more to post later about how Ladybug is feeling about him. Seems she is entering her 'angry' phase with his continued lack of attention when they are together. She called him "a big fat jerk". YIKES!

I gotta run and get her ready for school. I'll try to update later.

Bugs and Ladybugs


Yep.. see it's kinda the reverse in my situation. I call DS every night he's not with me. Way I look at it, it's -my- responsibility to maintain an ongoing relatinship with my kids, not the other way around.

Now it did trigger me when WW would neglect to call in the evenings.. she did for the first 8 months or so of this, but lately she's been not calling... Way I figure it, it's her loss if she decides not to have contact with DS when he's with me.

For example.. she didn't call Saturday at all, and you know what? It didn't seem to bother DS a bit, but he notices I'm sure. He's starting to say things and do things that make it very clear where he wants to be.. where he knows that he comes first and is loved and protected... and just in case there's any question.. it's not with WW.

See.. kids are awful difficult to fool.. they're notoriously perceptive. They use their minds 24-7 to soak up the world around them.. unlike many adults who hit cruise control and are oblivious to a lot of things, and therefore easily duped.

Keep on keepin on.. and I'm sure we'll be ready, and loving, compassionate, and considerate when our kids start getting older and expressing their own opinions about what total douchebags our wayward spouses have become.

Hi Bugs,


I agree....definitely a good sign!

Thanks guys!

Yep, kids are hard to fool. Drac certainly isn't fooling Ladybugs. She called him "A big fat jerk" and I almost lost it!

I had to email Drac about changing the schedule for her birthday. i simply said Ladybug asked for a change to the schedule, told him what she wanted, and asked if that would work.

He replied with a long email-

"To tell you the truth, I have been planning life week to week with the amount of work issues I have been up against. I have not been sure of what holidays are whose. The kids & I have been talking about certain plans and I have not confirmed anything because I wasn't sure.

Example, Halloween. Is it your or me this year? Ladybug said she would like to go with us in the new subdivision but I am not even sure how it works in this area. Last year for you I do not believe they had trick or treating on Halloween night.

Also, for Christmas, I would like to plan our vacation and take the kids out of town, something maybe we can discuss in the near future?

To be honest, I never wanted to follow a court ordered piece of paper but hope that we can be fair to one another and the kids so that we both get our time with them. I would like to put the past in the past.

If Ladybug wants to do something different than what is ordered, as far as I am concerned, it is her day and her time. I just want to see her as much as I can"


Now, if this were coming from anyone but Drac, I suppose it would sound a-ok.

But this IS Drac. What do I care about what he is up against at work. What do I care that he doesn't know what the trick or treating nights are in his subdivision? I don't believe him for a minute that he really wants to see her as much as he can. IF that were true, he'd be with her when he does have her time. None of it really matters at this point in time.


In response, I sent him a copy of the holiday schedule. He then wanted to know if I 'felt it best to continue the exact schedule & not discuss any of his questions'.

My reply was simply that the schedule answered most of his questions, such as who has what holidays and that Halloween is not a holiday. It's on his weekend. As for Christmas, Ladybug had told me they are going to Florida. I assumed he'd let me know his plans. I make "our" plans according to the schedule as it just seems the easiest way to go about it. I confirmed the birthday schedule change, asked if it was ok. My only other comment, (and I'm sorry I made it) was I said that I didn't know what he meant about putting the past in the past.

Frankly, I don't know if I care what he meant by that. I am sure he meant it as some kind of olive branch of peace. Another let's be terrific friendly co-parents.


I have to run & pick up Ladybug,,,,I just felt a need to vent a little. I really hate it when he sends these kinds of emails.