Oh thanks so much for popping by. Just wanted a lil feedback on how I did.

I'm a learnaholic. I have read and immerse my self in learning and that's what I did when discovery day happened and he left 2 weeks later. So i have done 5 months of inhaling everything I could. But I only found this book about 6 weeks or so ago and just felt this was the one I am to go with.

Ya know he did seem more like himself than he has for the last 5 months or maybe I was just more my self and it was good for both of us, but mostly for me.

So I'll pop on again tomorrow after the son's football game. He said he would pop by but I didn't know if he planned coming by or just on sunday for our lunch and more chores. I said ok thanks again I'll see you Sunday. He said well I should at least see you tomorrow at the game.

I'm just so proud of myself. I struggle with fear at times and intimidation though you'd never know it and I looked him dead in his eyes. That's the giant I took down in my life tonight and it feels really liberating.

Do miss him, but I'm choosing to keep focused. 28 more days. Gonna start dabbling in my PBL a little each day.

Thanks again for the feedback. Hard not to analyze everything when your in the thick of if.

Feel free to drop me any Plan B and recovery info you think I would need to read or anything at all really.

Oh well. Still, you're off to a terrific start!


This is good!


Ahhh, an aura of mystery! Very good!


IMO a good reply would've been to agree about how important it is for kids to have both a mother and a father... and how much the kids have missed him...

IMHO this is NOT a contradiction to your plan to PB. The PB is due to him choosing the OW, not due to you thinking your kids don't need him around. If he's willing to give up the OW and start acting like a husband and father, then you WILL let him come around right?


I think so. Not a needy clingy one, but a confident, happy one.


I think if the situation arises for a friendly non-LB hug, go or it.

I think you don't worry about cake-eating when you're just starting Plan A. Plan A is to get him away from the OW, or at least show him a good contrast to the OW. You don't win the football game on the first down. (Did that make sense? I don't speak football.)

Absolutely, He has to give up the OW. It's a package deal buddy. The kids can be dealt with visitation. Yes PB is for me to protect any love that can be saved and to fight for my marriage.

1st day of Plan A went well. No arguments or talk of OW, no LB that I know of, he had his favorite dinner things, enjoyed the evening so I guess were off to a good start.
It's hard to be able to pace yourself ya know and not expect to see something. But ya never know what could be going on in his head. Doesn't matter just gonna give it my best. But shoot, I've been over 5 months in no Plan and just surviving the next 28 days should be doable.

Have you already read all the articles about the end of the affair and moving into recovery? The resentment one is very important, also. The following page has the list of infidelity articles.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Start listing what your boundaries will be for him to come back. My first time around I had, I think, 4 general ones. Of course NC was at the top of the list.

The second time around, it looked more like Santa's naughty list, or even a bulleted War and Peace. Several pages of fine print, lol. It covered all the same ground as the first 4, but in MUCH more detail as to how exactly it would be executed.

Have all that ready so as soon as he waves the white flag you can give him a nice list and tell him, "This is what it will take for me to consider recovering with you."

And two really important things to keep in mind in recovery:
1. False recoveries are really really common. If it happens, BOOM back into Plan B, and raise the bar higher for him to get back home.
2. Your feelings will go up and down. Some days will be decent, some will be horrible. When it gets bad, trust that it will get better. When it's good, remember it's going to be bad again at times. Your feelings will go all over the chart, but just expect that and it's normal. You can still recover just fine.

This evening could not have gone better, even if he didn't fall asleep....this time.

Ok I will read the link. I so don't want a false recovery. I'm a little worried about that because of the holidays. Plus our 19 year anniversary is coming up in Dec
I hear they get very nostalgic during the holidays. I don't want that, but I've been forewarned.
I'm actually concerned that recovery is harder that Plan A and B.

So I'm gearing up for day 2. Gonna try and give him a hug either today or tomorrow.

Ya know he told me on discovery day that he loved her. Does that matter? I'm hoping shes missing some needs now that they live together.

Good job. Hopefully he went home to OW and a messy house, and a pile of laundry. LOL.

But don't expect ANYTHING from him just yet. Just follow your plan.

Thank you so much. Gonna plug away. We'll see how today goes.

New motto. Expecting nothing. LOL

You only have a short time to go, and it should be easier if you just do the plan for drill. Do the best one you can, and then it will be on to Plan B.

In the meantime, since he is living with the OW, the fantasy should get a little tarnished.

YOU be the more attractive choice. And the best part of it is if he doesn't come back right awy, at least you have made a good life for you and your children. It really completely changed me, and I'm still doing Plan A things in my life, but not to my ex.

No, it doesn't matter that he says he loves OW. He is mistaking hormones for love. You're in the process of giving him a lesson in true love. After his head is extracted, he'll be able to tell the difference.

Well I made it through day 2 of Plan A. Sent an email this morning for the chore list. Said that things were working so much better and that he did a great job and thanked him.

H came to the football game. H has not made it to any of the practices since all this mess was happening or met any of the coaches so I said why don't you go over and meet the coaches. Told my son, go take your dad and introduce him to them. He seemed very happy to meet them. During the game I was freezing I forgot my jacket and my H offered something for me to use. Just made some small talk and enjoyed watching son. He has watched all the games a far(kinda sad he'd stay really far away)but this time he came right up to us. I'm sure it felt good for him.

DD17 talked H into taking us to lunch. So we all went to lunch and stayed 2 hours just talking and joking as a family the way we used to. DD17 says dad seems a little different. I quickly say yes he seems better but remember he is having his cake and eating it to so I'm sure he feels pretty happy. She smiles and says yeah your right mom. We made small talk and thanked him for lunch.

My son is so happy to have his dad around. He keeps saying why are you being so nice to dad and letting him come over. I say son, I'm working on myself and trying to get strong and forgive your dad. I'm very nervous about Plan B for him. I fear he may get mad at me because he enjoys his dad so much. I'll let you all know if he gets angry with me for cutting dad off. I'm sure I'll need all your help in explaining to him.

We thanked him for lunch kids hugged him H said I'll see you guys tomorrow. I wanted to get a hug you guys but it just was an awkward moment so I didn't go there. Maybe tomorrow. I hate goodbyes!

He needs to finish more chores and car work. He only got half the list done. I wish I had more stuff to give him. You think I should invite him to son's football practice during the week? But then If I do, when I go to Plan B I don't want to see him. I mean I'm not playing around with the Plan B, when its dark time, I want it to be pitch black. I want no contact. I understand the importance of it. But then what do I do about seeing him at the games? How should I go about that? We will have about 1 month more of games from my going dark.

The next time we're together if we don't see him before that will be Disneyland on Thursday. It's hard to not think about what's going through his mind. Is he thinking about her while he's with us? I know-stop. I know it says to be upbeat and cheerful, but I think If I'm too cheerful he may read into it so I'm just being kinda laid back and casual and perky at times if we are joking. Boy this is hard work at first. I guess it becomes second nature after a while.

Thanks for all your support guys, I couldn't have made it this far without each one of you.

Neak,
I just remembered. Now that you mention false starts let me share this I think we had a false start.

Well I only found out about the book 6 weeks ago. Discovery day for us was April 23rd. He left that day and was back 3 days later for a visit we thought.

Halfway through the visit he goes calls OW breaks it off(I listened) and destroys the secret phone. The kids and I are in bliss, he's very sorry and apologizes for all he put us through. By the 3rd day he turns into a monster again. I finally after 2 weeks tell him to get out. He had screamed at the kids and his constant anger we just couldn't take anymore. I had asked him if he went back to her during the 2 weeks he was home,he said no. He lied. He did.

So that's kinda a false start I guess huh? I didn't have the book to go by, there was nothing set in stone he just came home after 3 days. I'm not sure if it would have made a difference he couldn't handle the withdrawal symptoms.

Yep, I would call that a false recovery.

Whether he has another will depend mostly on two things: 1. His progress through the life of the affair. Is he sick of her already, or does he pine for her? Either way he could have a false recovery, but it's more likely in the second case. 2. The strength of the extreme precautions.

AJ maintained NC at first, as long as he wasn't challenged on it. He had the strength to not call her...until she left a whiny note on his car, please please just let me hear your voice...I'll heal so much better if you just talk to me a little. :RollieEyes: He was NOT strong enough to hold out against begging. Next thing you know he has a secret cell phone and is right back to lying and acting like a jerk again.

So if you are successful in blocking all communication routes, your chances will be that much better.

And again, another false recovery doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be. Plan B and raise the bar, that's what you do, and most of the time it works fine.

Hey you guys jumping on real quick be back later after day 3 is over. This is good or at least I think it is. Never know could be nothing.

Yesterday evening DD17 was talking to H on her cell phone which I didn't know about.
She says to me at night hey mom I was talking to dad on the phone a little while ago and I said Hi daddy and I asked him what he was doing and then H says oh just got off work heading HOME( ick!) and my funny DD17 says oh, well have fun with that.
And H replies with kinda a lil grunt like "ah" and didn't really say much. She said he sounded like not really.
Wondering if home's not too good. I can only hope and pray!

Back later....

Spiff up your home, and have something good for lunch or dinner.

Ask hubby to help you with something - hanging a picture, moving a piece of furniture. Or ask him for advice on something. Then give him lots of admiration.

Stay fun and cheerful. Avoid relationship talk. Tell him you are excited about Disneyland.

Well guys made it through Day 3, 26 more to go. Its been a jammed packed weekend of Plan A'ing.

For the scoop on yesterday view a few posts up.

Recap of today. H came over at 3PM left just now almost 9PM. Where on earth is he telling the OW he is at all weekend unless he told her the truth and she's just okay with it IDK??

I don't really like to bug him to much when he's working. He likes to work alone and focused so I try and respect that. He did have dinner and dessert with the kids and I.
He seems so much more like himself now that he has been in so long, but I guess that's the cake eating part. He enjoyed the dinner and thanked me for it and even cleared a few dishes and washed them off-something he has rarely done in 20+ years.

He did a lot chores and we made some small talk here and there. A lot of eye contact. I wasn't super perky today just kinda mellow. I didn't have a chance to get a hug in. Just can't figure how to get that in with out it being awkward. Maybe at Disneyland.

But so far Plan A is going good, I think. It's hard not to second guess my self because you just don't see a whole lot but I'm going to keep plugging away. Not sure if we'll see him before Thursday but I will figure a way to get him here.

I didn't have any extra stuff for him to help me with since he had the hugest list of chores. But I did start a family website a few weeks back and I had a bunch of pictures of his families house that I was able to ask him about several pictures so that was a good thing I guess. Having him around makes me miss him more than not seeing him for 5 months. {{sigh}} This is by far the hardest thing ever I have gone through. I feel okay though knowing I have a Plan.

Talk to ya guys soon....

PEA poisoning is wearing off maybe :crosseyedcrazy:

You are amazing, woman! I have never seen anyone take to a Plan A like you have. WH isn't going to know what hit him come Plan B.

For you, a thought I used to ahve pinned up by the computer
"Never underestimate the power of persistance"

I dunno, lil, TMTS rocked it pretty hard!!

There should be an MB award ceremony every year...that could be one of the categories: Best Plan A.



Charlotte

I dont think I know that poster.

and yes I totally agree. Wonder what I would win tho, most whiny BS, most reluctant BS

It would be a competition between Ayane and I for most TMI

What about you?

Ok I looked on Acronyms whats PEA LOL. Sorry so new at forums.

Don't always feel so amazing. Hard when it looks like nothing is happening ya know. I mean were getting along. We used to all the time until 2 months before I found out. I asked DD17 how I've been doing with Dad around. She said mom your doing really good, I've been watching you. You haven't been overly happy you've just been real relaxed your doing good. I said oh good I can't tell I'm focusing so hard.

I am persistent, don't mind working hard usually feels good. I know it's a long haul just wish there was a detour.

Kids haven't seen dad that much over the 5 months because they were so mad and H was really really crazy the 1st several months. Having dad around is weighing on my son 9. Tonight he came unglued at bedtime crying for an hour saying he wants his dad back home. I just hold him and tell him I know me to bud. Wish these walk a ways would consider for just a moment the torture it puts the kids through. Anyways I feel pretty good after DD17 views on it. I wasn't sure if I appeared fake or not because to a degree I am faking it. I still hurt but am acting at peace. Fake it til ya make it I guess.

So I just sent this email a few minutes ago to him for today:
Hey there,
Thanks again for all the work you did and even replacing all the light bulbs too and it wasn't even on the list of stuff I needed done. That was really thoughtful. I know it was your day off and you had to drive an hour and you took the time to do all the chores. That was really nice of you to give up your only free day and have to work on the house for me. I just want you to know that I am grateful for it and everything is working great. Kids and I enjoyed your company for dinner.

You mentioned that you still needed to use the tools to work on your own car. Your welcome to come over tomorrow if you would like.
Have a great day.

So that's the last of Plan A for today....big thanks to all of you who help me keep on going!

Realllly I want to see or read her/his thread. Maybe there is something I can learn from it. Show me a link somebuddiezzzz