Proverbs 16 (NIV)

4 The LORD works out everything for his own ends—
even the wicked for a day of disaster.

5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart.
Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.

6 Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for;
through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.

7 When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

8 Better a little with righteousness
than much gain with injustice.

The antithesis of verse 7 is that when a man's ways are not pleasing to the Lord, he will have no peace.

WH gets what he wants.

OW gets what she wants.

They WANT God to leave them alone.

They get what they want.

They get none of God's peace.

Mark

thing is, you assume that the best thing for you, is to be reunited with your WxH. He could leave OW, come crying back to you, move back in and save your house.

But in fact, the Lord has a far better plan for you! The Lord would like to give you a life that is way better than anything you can currently dream up for yourself. You assume that you know what is best for you - but as long as you continue to try to force your own plans(bring my H back right now!), you will stay stuck right where you are. That makes me very sad for you.

When my WxH first left, he told me that it must be "Gods will" otherwise, why would he have me the OW? I was completely devastated! I was the one who went to church every Sunday, and sang in the choir. he went to chruch about once a month, at the most. But God would give him a fun new relationship, and leave me to be the lonely single Mom?

At first I prayed every day for him to return. Please Lord, just bring him home. I would do anything to get him back. But after a while, when I saw the man he had become, his selfishness, his lack of concern for his children, I started to realize that I really didn't want that particular man for a H. After the D was final, I started to build the life that I wanted. I sold my house and moved into one that was closer to the kids school - to simplify my life. I decorated the way I wanted to. And I started doing things that were fun for me!

At this point, almost 6 years after my D, my life is FAR better than ANYTHING I could have dreamed up. I have been married for the past 3 years to a wonderful man, who shares my faith.
We live in a house that is twice the size of my old one. My wedding ring is way bigger than my old one :MrEEk:
We have good friends that we hang out with, and I am never embarassed to tell them that about how my new H and I met (it was on EHarmony!)

In 3 weeks we fly to Germany to take a European River cruise on the Danube. I could go on, and on.

My point is this: it is time to stop fighting with God. He has a great plan for your life - it may not be exactly like my life, and it may not be the plan that you had in mind, but he has a plan for YOU. he knows where you have been, and he knows where you are headed. If you need to sell your house - sell it! Quit praying for your H to return, and start asking God to mold you, use you, and show you the life that he has planned for you. Open yourself up to all the possiblites. You are thinking on a much smaller scale than God does.

my 2cents worth - go straight to God on this. Pray directly to the Father, in the name of the son. Of course, I am an Evangelical, Foursquare Christian, and that is just the way we do things! But you may give it a try - go right to the source.

First I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to post to me.

You all have been VERY kind! I am extremely stubborn and pig headed, I know.

I have NEVER been a patient person. I always wanted things done yesterday. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time doing it all on "God's time".

I will read all those psalms and proverbs and hopefully they will give me peace in my life.

So many people have said to me in 5 years I will look back on all of this and say what a fool I was to waste so much of my life on him. Life is too short.

I guess I just want to know that being good *will* have it's rewards in the end, cuz I sure don't see it that way now.

Resilient and WOF...

Just curious...

What are your ex's doing now and do you really think that God gave them what they deserved. I know that didn't come out right, but I think you know what I mean.

For the longest time after our divorce my ex-H continued to try and keep me in his triangle, it was very hurtful and destructive. Post-divorce I continued to counsel with Steve Harley and he got me thru it. We had no childen together so there was no reason for contact between he and I. There was also an OC in the mix which complicated matters a bit because I had a relationship with him as his step-mom.

BTW, we were married for 16 years, together 21.

We divorced in late-2001, and my ex-H married the OW in 2005 (4+ years later) directly following her receiving a huge sum of money on a technicality from a breast implant suit she had been pursuing for over 15 years.

Most of this was told to me by mutual friends. Not so recently I was told they're having serious problems and are in marital counseling. Big surprise there.

I trust God completely, CatGirl. He has taken care of me through all of the really bad times (cancer during the betrayal, OW harassing me and having to take her to court for it).

I think the worse part of this was after the divorce, its then that I needed anti-deps to get me thru the really low times. I took them for 6 mos and then things started to get better. Counseling with Steve Harley REALLY helped too.

I did feel hurt when I learned my Ex-H actually married this unstable abusive person in 2005. I revisited some depression then but it didn't last long at all. And to be honest, there's a part of me that hopes they make it work because ultimately the OC suffers for their mistakes. But as a whole I just don't care if they do or don't. Just as long as they both leave me alone.

My life is wonderful now. The extraordinary people here on MB helped me thru that terrible time. That's why I still post, to give back. I couldn't have got where I'm at without their help. I owe them and God my life.

Jo

I would not suggest this at all. You fought for your marriage. You did everything you could. It was not your failure. What you did was the right thing to do. You were not the fool, he was.

If you are drowning, is it a waste of time to fight to survive? Is it a waste of time to fight to breath or to struggle to keep your head above water?

Not a waste of time at all, merely a lost cause. Not because of what you did, but because of what he did.

Mark

Thanks Mark,

I just posted on another thread that some days I wish I never would have filed for D. I wish I would have waited to see what happened. I think filing just pushed them together more.

Honestly I'm at the point where I don't even know who I should listen to anymore. My heart tells me one thing, my head another.

EVERYONE told me the A would end. They all eventually do they said. Well his didn't, he M'd her!

How could he just forget the 20 years we had, and now love her?

Sorry, but today is a real bad day for me...

Okay, cat. I'm going to tell you something that I only tell to my best friends:



You are wallowing in self-pity. When will the self-pity and woe-is-meing end? When you decide to make it end.

Does it suck? Absolutely!
Is it unfair? Absolutely!
Do you have a right to be hurt? Absolutely!

You have some new choices to make. Get up, get out, and LIVE. Force it if you have to.

It will continue to hurt as long as it takes you to heal. You cannot heal when you still welcome the pain.

What are you doing for YOU today that has nothing to do with thoughts of WxH and OP?


Fox

My ex was still with OW#1 at the time of our D, and insisted that "as soon as we are divorced, I am going to marry her!!"
I knew at the time,that if he did M her, it would never last. She had 2 small children, and he did not want small children around. He always saw small children as a burden.
About 6 months after our D was final, I heard that he moved into an apartment by himself. But he told people that they were "still dating, they just felt it would be better to live in seperate homes for now"

soon after that, I heard that he was dating other people.
And then one day he called to tell me that she had gotten a restraining order agaisnt him for "stalking" her. I don't think he was really stalking her - but she is a cop, with friends at the court house, so this was very easy for her to do. At that point, apparntly their R was finally over.

He did make a feeble attempt to get back with me - but it was obvious that he just saw me as another available single woman in the dating pool, so I asked him to please take me off his list of options. At that point I could tell that he truly had no respect for M. Being faithful in M was ok as long as things were going ok, but if you got bored or something better came along,then M was no different then dating in high school. You break up with one girl, to date someone else the next day. I did not realize during our 18 years of M that he had such a shallow view of M. I have decided that if it took him 18 years to finally stray, I must have been a pretty awesome W to keep him around for the first 18 years!

Anyway, he started "seeing" another married woman. her 2 boys were the same age as mine - in fact they were in school togehter. As a result of their A, she divorced her H (which was H number 2 for her) and moved in with my WxH. after about a year of living together, they did get married.

I do not talk to him much. My boys are 18 and 21 now, so I rarely need to talk to him. But occasionally the boys will make comments about Dad and his W, and I can tell things are not well. The reason they started "seeing each other" in the first place, was because they wanted someone to make them feel good, all the time. the whole dynamics of an A is this: I am all ready married, living in a comfortable home, with my children and S. But I want to have that "happy happy" feeling that I get from someone else. So the A partners say all the right things, and do all the right things, to win their affections. But no one can keep that act up for ever.

I know that they do not vacation together - my WxH is still using all his vacation time for his various hunting trips.And my boys do not like to go over to their house very often becuase, as they put it, she is bi-polar.

I have no doubt that M will not last. After all, neither of them have done the work to figure out what makes a M last. My new H and I attend Marriage bible studies, we have date night once a week, we take trips together. We are doing everything we can to insure a good M. We have really tough times too - issues with step chidlren, job stress, that sort of thing. but we did not get into our M looking for someone to make us "happy happy" all the time. we know better. M is a lot of work - and a great blessing at the same time. We are not in it for our own jollies - my greatest pleasure is seeing the smile on my H's face when I do something special for him, or watching the joy he expresses on Sunday mornings when we are singing and praising and worshipping God.

Is your WxH really the great man you think he is/was? Would you really want to spend your retirement years with him? Is he a great conversationalist? a great companion at church? Could the two of you enjoy simple pleasure together? Or do you just miss the stabilty that came from being a married woman? Are you just fearful of telling people "I am a single, divorced woman?"

My experience with the dissolution of my M was devastating for me, and my darling boys. I would not wish that on anyone. But right now I am so thankful for the life I have, the future I have.

I truly think that the only reason you are still "stuck" is becuase you choose to be.You are convinced that the only possible way to be happy is by getting back together with your WxH. This man has shown himself to be a liar, a cheat. If you were just meeting him today, for the first time, you would not even want to date him. Yet you hang your whole lifes happiness on that one man. wouldn't it feel good to fianlly release yourself from that burden? to build a good life for yourself, that does not rely on that man?

Thanks Wild,

I needed that! I KNOW all the tears in the world won't make him come back. I KNOW all the tears in the world won't break them up, but I guess I DON'T KNOW how to stop that.

After the D, I did the...do things for yourself stuff. Went out on a date, saw my friends more, got a new hairdo, for the first time got fake nails put on, lost more weight, got new clothes. Ya know what? It didn't make a diffenrece. I didn't ENJOY doing any of it.

ExH was still in my thoughts. While I was having my fake nails put on I thought, gee ExH would probably have liked them, or when I was buying that new shirt, I thought, gee ExH would think that was a good fit on me. And now everytime I look at my DS, who is growing up to be a dead ringer for ExH, I think of him!

I TOTALLY agree with you. I am having a pity party. But I guess after seeing that all those thins I did for myself, didn't really change the way I felt, I don't know how to end that party.

It's a marathon, cat. Stick with taking care of you and improving/changing things for YOU, not things you think WxH would like.

To be honest, those things creep in my head still, too. "WxH" would think ______ about that."

They were a HUGE part of our lives and we continue to grieve their deaths.

Hopefully, someone can chime with thoughts about enmeshment and how to extricate yourself from that. It's hard, really hard.

But so necessary for you.

Meet your thoughts of what WxH would think with what YOU think. You think WxH would like your fake nails, did YOU like them? Give yourself compliments based on what YOU think, not anyone else.

You need to find your self-respect and self-worth and I wish I could tell you HOW. Have you checked into a grief counselor at all? Someone specifically familiar with the process of a death/divorce and the grief related to that?

I wish I could offer you more - hopefully others will chime in with putting an end to defining yourself through the eyes of WxH.

Take care,
Fox

ETA: Is there a payoff or a benefit you get by continuing to hurt? What are the advantages to remaining in this pit? Think hard, there are some.

I was absolutely offended when someone asked me this question - but it got me thinking.

WOF,

Yes, I am stuck on him. I was raised where D was usually not an option. My parents were M'd over 50 years and I saw them tough it out MANY times. Why couldn't I have done that? My kids shouldn't have to be raised in a single parent home.

I think my biggest problem right now is jealousy. I am jealous of the fact that she is getting what I should have had. She is having the last laugh in that she got something that she knew I wanted.

This is going to sound very shallow and I don't want to portray myself as just wanting someone for material things, because I am not like that at all... But ExH made a very nice salary. I was never in want. We got whatever we wanted, went on several vacations a year. I'm bankrupt and lucky if I can take my kids to a local carnival for a vacation. I miss that lifestyle and now she is getting it. My kids miss that life too.

Yes, I am VERY ashamed to say I am D'd. VERY ASHAMED. I am ashamed my kids having to tell people their parents are D'd. I am afraid if I am out alone shopping or whatever, that I will meet up with someone ExH knows, or even meet up with ExH and OW, and they will see I am alone, not with anyone. I guess in their own way they will say ha ha we/they moved on, she didn't.

I am VERY jealous of him having someone in his life. Of him having someone to go home to and talk about his day and having someone to sleep with everynight. I don't have that. Or of him being able to just forget about me and what we had, and able to M again so soon after the D.

Would I want ExH now if I just met him knowing he had cheated on his family? No. Did I want to spend the rest of my golden years with him? Yes. We had plans when we got older. Now those plans will go to her. No, He wasn't the best father, maybe not even the best husband, but I wanted HIM. I liked how he would look at me in bed in the morning and say good morning to me. Or thank me for making his dinner, which I didn't think needed a thank you. Such DUMB stuff like that, I miss and now she is getting it.

My IC tells me I want the comfort of him. I want knowing his habits, his ways etc. She said I don't want to have to deal with learning someone's habits, how they like their eggs, or how they like to have sex, or over again. And she is right. I was comfortable with him, good or bad, I liked the life I had, up until he had the A, and I knew what to expect and what things were like.

I guess I'm scared that I won't get that again. I'm scared that I will forever be comparing that new person to Exh... new person doesn't make enough money as ExH did, or new person kisses like cr@p or whatever. Yeah I know real shallow stuff, but that goes through my mind.

Having had him in my life, for half of my life, I just can't turn it off.

I know that all sounds silly, but I'm being honest.


Wild...

As I said I am in IC and she is TRYING to get through to me, but I guess I have put that wall up and maybe just don't WANT to deal with it.

I don't know of any payoff. Trust me. I put up a VERY good front around my kids and others in public. It's not like I go around telling everyone what's going on. As I said, I am ashamed to say I am D'd. I come here and go to my IC. Other than that, most people think I'm doing well, have moved on, that ExH isn't even a factor anymore. If they only knew.

I guess that's part of it too. I'm TIRED of having to live 2 lives. I wish I could tell my DS just what a piece of sh$t his father is by doing what he did. But of course I would never do that. So I have to pretend that Dad is great and hopefully someday DS will put it together himself.

she is STUCK with a lying cheating pig. No prize in my book.

Keep up with the therapy. You have a lot of bitterness to work through.

One day you will be much happier without this fool. YOu have no reason to be ashamed. He is the one that should be in the shadows....you should walk tall as you are a loved child of God that has been wounded but not killed by one you trusted.

Catgirl - There is nothing wrong with missing the financial benefits that you and your husband enjoyed. I feel the same way. My ex and I raised 8 kids together, and it was a huge struggle. I worked outside the home and devoted my life to our family.

Then, just when they were all leaving to start their own lives, the OW came into the picture. She and my ex went through all of our savings in less than a year. She did NOTHING to earn any of it, but stepped in to enjoy the fruits of our marriage.

medc,

Yeah I'm sure they know what each of them are...cheaters, but that still didn't stop them from getting M'd to each other!

Believer,

Then how did you deal with that? My ExH makes VERY good $$. I KNOW they are living VERY high on the hog right now. She makes good $$, but is VERY materialistic however and likes her designer stuff.

She told her ExH that he didn't make enough $$ for her, so she would go find a rich guy (my H!)

Her ExH told me that he guaranteed she'd have my ExH bankrupt in a year. She did. Actually it took a year and a half for him to file!

So I know both of them expect to live nice lives, a life I should be living.

How do you deal with that!!!??

As I said I am so jealous that she will be living the good life now and I will be struggling and scrimping with 2 kids!

I know I sound oh woe is me, but that's my reality right now.

About your WxH and his affair partner – you are assuming WAY too much!You assume that he has forgotten you – but he hasn’t. I think you know that is not true. You do not forget such a big part of your life. He is struggling to make this new M appear normal, but he is so ashamed of it that he doesn’t even tell anyone that they are married. I’ll bet that makes her angry. How would you like to be married to a man who won’t even tell anyone that he is married to you?

Every time she makes him a meal that is somewhat like you made, but not exactly the same, he remembers you. When a certain song comes on, a woman walks by with a certain smell, all those things make him think of you. And he is just hoping that if he can make this new R “normal” that it will be all right.

You still want revenge. I wish I could convince you that the best thing you can do is just give that up to God. Trust me that no one in this world can take care of revenge as well as God. If you will just step aside and start living your own life to the fullest, some day you will hear stories of how bad things have been for the two of them. You don’t see it right now – you assume that things are good for them. I know for a fact that they are not.
Dr Phil says “the best revenge you can get, is to have a life that is well lived” and that is 100% true. Get out there and live a good life.

Imagine for a moment that you spent the next year building houses for the poor, curing cancer, serving meals on wheels, singing in the church choir, etc. And then an old friend bumps into your WxH and his OW at the mall and says “Hey, have you heard what Cat has been up to? Wow, I didn’t realize she was capable of all that!!” and meanwhile, WxH and Ow have just been fighting because she wants another diamond ring, but he won’t give it to her, and now he is looking at her and thinking “why couldn’t you be more like her?” Doesn’t that sound like the best revenge possible?

I know that is an extreme example, but I think you get the point. There is nothing honorable about his life right now. If you see an old friend, you know that you are single, but at least you did not dump your H for an OM. When he sees an old friend, he knows that has to explain who this woman is that is with him.

I used to be embarrassed about being divorced. Divorce is unheard of in my family as well. Especially at church – I would sit in my seat and feel like I had a neon sign above my head. But I have come to realize I was not the only divorced woman in that church, not by far. In fact, there is a beautiful single mom at my church now, with 2 sons in college. She is a professor at a Christian University, very active at church, very talented. I knew that she had no H – but assumed that her H had died. She stood up in church one-day to tell the story of how her former H, who was a Pastor, left her for another woman when her boys were young! I was SHOCKED! She is gorgeous. Her ex must look at her now and have such regret. So there I was, feeling like a single mom was something to be ashamed of. But I would have never told that woman that she should be ashamed of herself. She has nothing to be ashamed of. So why do I think so much less of myself?

You have so much to offer to other single women. There is someone in your circle of influence right now, who has just gone through D day, and could benefit from your wisdom. But you need to get yourself out there, meeting other women, getting involved in activites where other women are, and making yourself available to help. Just like I am doing for you, right now.

You do not need to give up everything you used to have. You just need to decide what you want to focus on, and what is not such a big deal. For me, I wanted to be able to travel. So I spent less money on clothes, and dinners out, so that I had money available to travel. And I stayed in cheaper hotels, so I could travel more often. But your priority may be different, so cut back in other areas, in order to fill your own personal desire. Get the kids involved. Explain to them that you won’t be buying “A” because you are saving for “B”.

It sounds like you may need to sell your house. If so, get on with it. You can still live in a very nice place, it just might be smaller. Start looking around. This may be just the boost you need to start over.

No, there is no way he would have taken me back after all I put him through.

Besides by the time I unfogged our divorce was final anyway.

It's normal to feel cheated and resentment. You were there for X years and helped exH's career and then you get the short end of the stick and have to struggle financially. It's not fair and you have every right to be angry.


I don't understand why you pretend with DS that his father is a great guy. You don't have to bash exH to death but why not be honest with your son? Perhaps continuing the act that he is a good dad or good person is contributing to your anger.

I think this is a big part of it because you've mentioned the financial aspect a couple of times. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel at all- it's just part of the grieving process.

WOF,

You do seem to "get" me and I appreciate your posts. What you say is pretty much what I feel.

My IC just told me yesterday, that I do not know what their life is like. I "assume" it is a bed of roses, but she said it could very well be a bed of thorns.

But then why did he M her if it would be so much of a struggle for him to constantly have to justify it to others. Why not just continue living with her?!

Yes, ExH did not tell my DS yet about his M. He said he did not want things to change between him and DS. So then he was never going to tell him?! He never told me either. I found out by accident. He's been M'd for several months. Did he have to take his ring off every time he visited my DS, so DS wouldn't notice he was M'd then?

I tried to make myself more appealing for ExH when he would come over to get DS for visits, so he would see what I had over the OW and would miss that. OW is quite large!

I lost weight, dressed to the 9's when I knew he was coming, but obviously it didn't matter. He may have thought why OW couldn't be more like me, but he never acted on it.

I guess I don't want to sell my house, even though I am having a hard time with it, because I would define that as failing. That that was just one more thing that ExH did to me. I had to sell my house because of him.

I'm working with my lender to see if I can try and change the mortgage or whatever. DS has alot of friends here and I would hate to uproot him now. He's been through so much.

I will tell you though, that if I did not have kids, I would have left this state long ago, just to get away from ExH and OW.

Catgirl - All of my dreams, and all of our plans were lost with the affair. And I did a good bit of feeling sorry for myself and grieving. However I was not willing for THEM to continue ruining my life.