Yes, but my point about recovery is that it isn't all about you and what you can handle. You can look inside yourself and see and feel and know what you can handle. You know what you have invested and what you are willing to do. But, you are only one part of it.

I believe the best chance of recovery is when both can handle it. Can you see and feel and know what she can handle? What she can put into it?

It is going to take something major for her to be willing to put in the effort that it is going to take. She hasn't put in the same investment that you have or she hasn't lost the investment that she does have.

I respect this opinion.. I really wish I could convey adequately the conversation that happened.. and I know you aren't just referring to the conversation last night.. but I have been practicing loving detachment, and truly have for the most part been dark and unavailable to her.


I believe it has.. and I know I will likely be unable to convince anyone of it now.. but the evidence to me is profound and compelling. If I were only looking at the circumstances however, I'd be inclined to agree with you 110%..


Only the final outcome will bear this out.. we can both speculate either way on how anything affected her. I respect and appreciate this opinion however.. and assure you that I am looking for any advantage I can squeeze out of the possible outcomes of this where it comes to getting my son home.. regardless of what my wife chooses to do.


I agree with this.. and intend to follow this advice. While we have had our differences.. I truly have come to appreciate your presence and opinion. Everyone agreeing with me all the time doesn't help.. and for all I bemoan your pessimism, I respect it for the realism you intend it to be.


Thank you MEDC.. and I truly do understand and appreciate this point, and even moreso your prayers.

A very valid point.. and one I've considered as I've watched SL and the Zombie's stories.. and other false recoveries here.


I agree with this as well.

James,

So where is the band gig this weekend?

We're going to be playing the Amature Motocross Nationals about 40 minutes from my house. It's a super bonus for DS and DD who both love racing and motorcycles and such, and it'll be the first time the kids have been able to see me play in over 3 years. Which basically means it'll be the first time DS remembers getting to see me play.

I know the kids will love it.. I have some DVD's of me with the band from 3-4 years back and DS asks to watch them all the time, and jumps up and down pointing at me whenever I come on the screen.. heh.. all part of what makes the kids think their 'lameo' Dad is a pretty 'cool dude'.. I'll let em live under that illusion for a little while yet..

DS should have a good time.. and DD scores major 'cool points' with the other teenage girls for having a 'cool dad' in a metal band... hehe.

Tonight we're going to a haunted barn.. and Sunday I'm taking DS to his best friend's birthday party.. which the rediculous part is I had to switch weekends with WW in order to get him this weekend at all.. I had asked last year and never got a response so DS missed his 'girlfriend's' (we tease them all the time because they're like a little 4 year old couple the way they play and talk to eachother.. and have known eachother practically from the start) birthday.

So.. should be a busy weekend.. and Sunday I've got one more interaction with WW before I can go completely dark again..

She said in a letter to my lawyer that she would agree to Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend but no overnights during the week or on Sunday.. it's an improvement over what I have right now.. and until the judge hears the custody arguments.. I'll take whatever extra time she's willing to give me.

Hi James,

Checking in on you. I gotta say I have always felt like we have walked such similar paths. I think the one difference is your willingness to keep on going. It seems like you are saying forever and I have to be honest, I won't do that. I have too much love to give someone. But that's not today.

There really aren't words for us after so much time are there. Our lives aren't where we hoped, and for us it seems that G-d continues to say no. Why? Would be the best question I could have answered.

Are we better off without them. Is there free will what's pushing this and therefore Satan or are our waywards just too sick for us and G-d is protecting us.

Anyways, I miss you. I hope you are having a great weekend and look forward to connecting with you soon.

My vows to my wife were until death we do part.. not 'until she takes up with some dude and leaves me'. Now I'm not going to look down at anyone for packing it in and moving on.. and I'm not saying that I won't eventually do the same. But for now.. I'm still married, and under the covenant of the vows I made to my wife and to God.. so much like you.. today is not the day.



This is the biggest problem with wayward justification.. One of the church signs I see on the way to work said a few weeks ago: If someone speaks badly of you, live so that none will believe it.

I think as flimsy justification after flimsy justification crumbles for the WS.. they have to come up with new reasons to stay on their path. It's like trying to dig a hole in the sand.. more sand just keeps rushing in to fill where they've already dug.. I think really.. the 'regret' we always hear about that comes down the road for the WS only comes when they run out of justifications... which I suspect has a lot to do with why several WS's start having second thoughts once the D is over and the BS moves on with their lives.. they don't feel the need to justify anymore.. and with that comes the slow burn of taking responsibility of their own lives and choices.



I know that I'm certainly better off without a wife who shows no respect for our family, herself, or what is best for our kids.. that is who she is today.. it's not who she always was.. but does that woman still exist inside her? I don't know.. I certainly hope she does.. because if not, her life will never get any better than this... and neither will DSD's..


As for my weekend.. I must say I personally had one of those 'Best Weekend Ever' weekends..

Friday night after dinner I realized I'd left my cellphone at work so the kids and I went back to get it.. DS always loves coming to see where I work, and we've changed the office a bit since last time he was here.. and so he poked around a bit and sat in my office chair.. 'Hey Daddy look.. I'm just like you!'

*happysigh* The thought runs through my head 'Thank God for that buddy..'

Afterwards we found the old haunted barn.. DD chickened out and didn't want to go, but DS wanted to prove how 'tough' he was and so he had me carry him in.. clinging to my neck.. now the barn wasn't too bad.. but about half way through DS had reached his threshold and we took the escape route and met back up with DD on the hayride. Took the back way through the country home, laughing all the way together. The kids ended up falling asleep on the couch together during Speed Racer.. that movie looks fantastic in HD BTW... heh.

Saturday after breakfast we came back home so I could get DS's Friday clothes through the laundry and get all our preparations in line for an evening at the races. DS had a major meltdown because I wouldn't let him wear flip flops in the cool Autumn weather.. but once that passed we hit the store and picked out a birthday present for DS' best friend and headed out to the event.

Now the place was well off the beaten path.. gravel country roads to access and everything, and when we got there the party was already in full swing. At first blush it looked a little questionable but as we parked and I really got a look around it was a totally family friendly atmosphere (as I was told it would be).. The stage was set up right next to a huge set of double jumps that sent the bikes 15-20 feet in the air.. so DS had a fantastic view of that and was absolutely beside himself with delight every time the pack came through that stretch of track. DD and my mom came out and kept an eye on DS while I got set up with the band and performed. We had one of those shows with the energy in the air.. the crowd response and participation that truly reminds me why music is so much a part of my life.. We'd never had so much demand for an encore in previous years as we did Saturday night.. and so we pulled a new one out of the bag and were getting ready to go one more time as DS runs up the steps on the side of the stage with DD in tow saying 'Daddy daddy.. I wanna say something to everybody!'... I had to think about it for a second but the crowd was eating everything up so I said what the heck and nudged our singer to give DS the mic for a minute..

My lil 4 year old metalhead (wearing ear protection mind you) gets up there with DD holding him up to my microphone.. he throws his metal sign \m/ and informs the crowd 'My daddy ROCKS!'... place goes nuts.. kids head offstage and Dad has to deal with some moisture in his eyes for the next several minutes into the song.. I'll never forget that.. ever.

So Sunday I wake up... SOOORE as I remember I'm not in my 20's anymore and probably overdid it a little the previous night.. but we skipped Mass and went straight to breakfast as we had a limited amount of time before DD's softball game.. which we all had to bail on before the second game of the doubleheader to get to the birthday party.. The kids had a blast there too with the bounce houses and the ball pit and the cake and ice cream and candy and all sorts of fun while the adults kept track of the Colts game on our blackberries.. bemoaning our beloved horseshoes until the amazing turnaround at the very end.

Brought DS back in time for the exchange.. DS had asked on Friday if he could spend more time with me.. so I'd mentioned that I needed to talk to Mommy about it.. didn't get into the details but it did solidify my resolve.. so after buckling him in his seat he gives me a hug and a kiss and says 'Are you going to talk to mommy?'.. I nodded and asked 'So.. the Tuesday and Thursday visits you mentioned in your letter that you'd agree to.. is that only as a final outcome, or can we start that in the interem?' WW balked.. and looked at DS.. and then at me and said 'I want this divorce overwith..' I shrugged slightly and said calmly 'I told you what I would agree to.' and she replied 'And I told you what I'd agree to.' so I nodded to her in acknowledgement keeping an even, measured tone 'Then I suppose we go to court.. but what I want to know is if I can start seeing DS on Tuesdays and Thursdays until then.' and she said 'Well.. I'll have to think about it.' I nodded and said 'Well let me know.. I'd like to start that as soon as possible.'

I let it drop there and turn to go back in. DS calls out for me, and demands another round of hugs and kisses, so I happily oblige and tell him that I love him and to be good for his mom... close the door and head inside.

A couple hours later I get a phone call.. it's WW's house phone. I answered and she starts telling me that DS has some dirt on his foot and wants to know what he got into.. I almost laughed as I realized he was running around the bounce houses in his socks and there were mullberries all over the ground.. so I explained what it probably was.. She was upset that she had to put in some effort to clean it off DS's foot.. it was all I could do not to say something to the effect of 'Well if you were there with us you'd know what happened.. and if you'd give me the overnights I asked for this would be my problem not yours.'

Instead I remained totally cool and told her what it probably was, and that I'd caught him running around the yard without his shoes on a few times during the party.. it clearly wasn't a big deal for me.. but DS then wanted to talk so we chatted for a few minutes, exchanged ILY's and I promised to call him tomorrow(today)..

*sigh*


We'll see how it goes.. I'm kinda suprised that it has really become so easy not to rise to WW's pokes anymore.. I just calmly respond and go on my way.. Her best efforts lately that would have completely triggered me before just kinda roll off anymore.. I'm proud of myself for that at least. I still trigger a little bit.. but it's more of a trigger over why she thinks she still has to poke at me if she's so happy.. but then I started thinking about the justification stuff I said earlier in this post.. and it makes a lot of sense... at least to me it does.. but then again I'm a little.. :crosseyedcrazy: these days.

Still no word from WW.. I guess it's hard to think about a simple yes or no, or anyone but yourself when you're wayward.

Glad I don't have that problem..

I'm pretty sure 'I'll think about it' means that she has to talk it over with WB.. probably his mommy too.. her lawyer.. her little sister.. whatever.. because she clearly can't make a decision on her own right?

*sigh*

So anyhow.. no DS last night, but tonight we're planning on having a good time.. hopefully the ground dries out a little bit and we can spend an hour or two a the park after dinner tonight.


Well.. I've found me a new favorite song. I've never been big on Christian rock.. but there's a song from the movie Fireproof by John Waller called, "While I'm Waiting."

I think Queenie especailly might like it.. and it's going to be in a pretty tight rotation at home. I thought it was pretty interesting that our daily devotional email that Queenie and I both get mentioned it as well.. very timely those emails sometimes.

Well.. another day at the grind. I've not been posting much lately, but I am still keeping up with many of you, and keeping all the amigos and friends in my prayers.

Saw the movie and loved the song.

I haven't posted to you much, but just want to say that I admire your character. When I read your posts I always think that you are a wise old bird. Then I look at your sig line and realize how young you are!! I'm impressed by your wisdom and your intelligence.

Chai


Awww.. thanks so much for giving my #2 EN a good nudge this morning. I really appreciate it.

I look in on your thread from time to time and see a lot of wisdom myself. Honestly it's you who should be admired for being so strong after everything you've been through. I can't even begin to imagine the compounded hurts of a false R..

Been keeping you in my prayers too

James, IF she talks to her attorney you can pretty much bet that you will not be getting any extra time with your son at this point. They have NO reason to allow that until you agree to their terms. This is just legal manuvering. She threw something out there in the hopes that you were desperate enough to bite.

Do you think her desire to get this over with quickly means that her and WB will be getting married shortly after the divorce is final. That's how I read her comments.

I think your read is right on.. I've said many times (maybe not here though) that I wouldn't be a bit suprised if she and WB weren't married within a week of the D being final.

To put more pressure on her, ask your attorney to put a "kicker" in the custody agreement that speciifes that the custody issue can be revisited due to major life events including marriage.

Hmm.. an interesting thought.

I'll definitely see about that.

Ooooh, medc, that's a good one.

As long as the judge views remarriage as bad. He/she may consider it a good thing because the home could be more stable. More money, no more single parenthood stress, etc. KWIM?

WE know it is not stable and have heard all the statistics. I would get the order in as medc pointed out and when/if it comes to that, do all the research to prove your case why it is NOT more stable. IMHO.

That's assuming you are only going to get visitation. I sure hope YOU get custody and she gets visitation.

Jamesus, I took her "I'll think about it" comment as a brush off. I doubt she's thinking about it, she just needed to get you off the subject and maker her escape so she wasn't pinned down. It was a diversion tactic.

WxH used to do it to DDs all the time. If they didn't hear "ask your mother", they heard "I'll think about it." They knew "I'll think about it" was a no - he just didn't want to say it outright and have to listen to the arguments.

Sorry.

Keep fighting the fight for your son. Times are changing and the mother doesn't automatically get custody. You sound here like a reasonable, intelligent, self-sufficient dad. Your son clearly loves you to the moon and back. Let that knowledge shine through you.

Take care,
Fox

Oh I'm sure it's a stall tactic.

I've been waiting patiently for over a month on a 'Well.. let me look at my calendar'

must be really small print..

And DS missed his friends birthday party last year (the one we went to this past weekend) because of an 'I'll have to think about it'



It's her conflict avoidance.


I've got a message ready to send tonight after the exchange.

WW,

I'd like a yes or no on the Tuesdays and Thursdays please. Also, I've been waiting for over a month for you to check your calendar about the last week of extended parenting time this year.

A prompt answer to both of these things would be appreciated. DS and I deserve better than to be jerked around like this. You chose this absurd lifestyle for all of us, please at least act responsibly about it.

J

Are you certain she isn't going to let you have it?

If you think there is a small possibility that she might let you have it, I'd tweak your email.

Maybe.....


I understand the poking, James, I really do. But if you want something from her you are going to need to temper your pokes.

Although I'm sure you don't want to thank her, by closing that way you are softening the blow a bit of pushing her for an answer she doesn't want to give.

Fox

You're probably right..

Honestly I don't know what she'll do.. it's not exactly an easy position she's left herself in.


She's still not making very good decisions, and has been acting very erratic lately.. so I really don't know.

I'd really just like to get an answer so that I can get back to being dark.

Hi James,

Many of us here have good reasons to lose our patience with WSs (as they know which buttons to push!) Your reply is fine to get things 'off your chest', and that's what we are here for... if you send it to your WW as is, I also think you are giving her FUEL to NOT cooperate...

You will have a better chance with an email along the lines of Fox's suggestion.

I agree Luna.. I think Foxy really has it right here.


*sigh*


I'm just frustrated with it all really.. life's difficult enough due to her selfish choices and entitlements without her further complicating things with more passive aggressiveness..