This is going to sound strange, but that's why I wish he were dead. I would complete my grieving process once and for all, and go on. Never to have to worry about him again!

Believer,

You are SO much stronger than I ever will be!

You don't have to move far away, but I think selling the house would help. You can get something smaller and more affordable and it will not be haunted by memories of your ex. You wouldn't be selling it BECAUSE of him, you would be selling it FOR yourself. It's time to start taking action with your life.

FWIW, I am having trouble with my house. Not the finances but due to it's age and size, I have trouble maintaining it. I am actually meeting with a real estate agent tonight to get everything ready. The sign will go on the lawn next week. I have agonized over this for months but now that the moment is getting closer, I'm begining to realize certain things. One of these is that I'm actually making a major decision BY MYSELF!!! I'm also taking care of all the arrangements BY MYSELF!!! I did a whole bunch of painting and minor repairs BY MYSELF!!! I hired contractors and enlisted the help of friends to do the harder stuff BY MYSELF!!! I phoned the real estate guy BY MYSELF!!! It's pretty empowering - not only do I have the ability to make these decisions and make this happen, I have control over my future now! I can actually begin to form my own goals and work towards them. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve my former future goals and life that might have been. But my new life now - it's not so bad. And it's getting better. I do believe that once I leave this house I'll escape those ghosts forever.

--Catgirl I just read your post here and had tears in my eyes....I feel like you do at times as my WH also made very,very good money...OP had nothing.We battled and slowly made our way up the ladder.Just as we were financially very well-off,the affair started....Ok he lost his job,so did OW,but now his starting his own business with OP..this was our dream.....OP and her 3 boys will benefit etc...

BUT....

I tell myself over and over again,I can lift my head up high..my boys have more respect for me...friends have remained friends with ME....
There are so many more important aspects of life and who you are as a person.....

Yes,money makes a lot of problems go away but it can't take the place of a lot of things...

FINALLY,saved the best for last.....God will take good care of YOU and He will take revenge on THEM......this is repeated over and over in Scripture..
I truely believe it ....don't let THEM take your power away from you and make you into a sad and bitter person....I know its easier said then done,its as if it goes against our human nature..but believe me its the way we must strive to be.....

I battle with this constantly myself .....

EGGGGGGGZACTLY!! Amen to THAT, Sister!!

Catgirl,

You have to purge him from your soul. Is it hard? Heck yeah!! But it IS something that CAN be done. Once you say it out loud and make it real, you can start taking steps in your heart and mind to do just that.

Say it everyday. When mind-movies start to get to you, CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!

Don't let those *ssholes get the best of you!! Then THEY WIN!! We simply cannot have that!!!

Once you start actively purging him from your soul, things will get a LOT better. And better and better with each day that passes...until the thought of them is just that: a thought. With no rising BP or pulse rate.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

C'mon, Lady!!!

Us gals gotta stick together!! (No offense, Men. I'm talking about all the "other" men--the WS's, etc.)

Take care, Girl!!

Charlotte

Tabby,

I have battled moving many times. I thought a fresh start would be good. The thing is, I like where I live and so does my son. If I ever were to move, it would be out of my state. It's getting too expensive to live here, no matter where I go, unless I want to live in the ghetto!

I filed bankruptcy, so getting a mortgage is slim to none. I've got pets, so getting apts. are limited.

I have been doing things that ExH used to do and it IS empowering . I fixed the toilet a few weeks ago. I mean took the whole tank off and eveything! What a nightmare, but that used to be ExH's job. All repairs, yardwork was his. Now I do it.

I don't know, some days I think starting new in a whole new state is good, other times I don't want to show him that he wins.

My luck him and OW would buy the house!!

I know I have to try and "change the channel" like you say, but you hit the nail on the head...

I GRIEVE THE LIFE I SHOULD/COULD HAVE HAD WITH HIM!!!!

Believer,

I didn't want to t/j another post, but I saw you say something to another poster that hits home.

You said that your ExH destroyed your family etc, etc, yet he still thinks OW is a good person.

This is one of the demons that I am fighting.

ExH destroyed my family, yet he justified his A by marrying her!

He's never apologized to me or my kids, has never shown one ounce of remorse even though he knows DS is having a lot of emotional problems because of the D. Never even admitted he had an A!

He just doesn't get it, and I doubt he ever will...

Cat,

We've all grieved the loss of our M's. Every BS on here who is either D'd or in Plan B has grieved as you do. And we've all done it in our own time. Some just take longer than others.

I'm still there. After 35 years of M, it doesn't go away, and will never go away completely, but I'm learning to live with it. I loved being M. I loved my big house, my yard, my lifestyle, the way we just had unspoken actions that allowed us to live together in harmony over the years, the daily routine of talking about the day, deciding whether to eat in or go out, designing how we were going to remodel the kitchen, going to Home Depot to pick out paint, and on and on. I loved the companionship. And I miss all of that terribly.

But you know what? I now realize that we really didn't know each other at all. We didn't fight or argue, but we never really did POJA either. We each just kind of went along with what the other did or wanted. We never really discussed our inner most thoughts, feelings, desires, etc. Our M was really more like a well oiled working machine. That's not all bad mind you, but the intimacy really wasn't there. I guess sometimes you just fall into routines.

Anyway, not sure exactly where I'm going with this other than to say that I know how you feel, but really take an objective look at the M and maybe you'll find that it wasn't what you thought it was.

I'm sure that like me, you are sorry that you didn't get the chance to make it into the MB M that we know it could be, and we'll always regret that. At least we know how the next relationship can be.

For me, I did move and don't really regret it. When we sold the house, WH finally said that he didn't want to be M anymore and I figured he would go to OPs state with her. At that point, I knew that I needed new surroundings and couldn't be in the old area with all of the daily triggers. I moved about 30 mi away into a really cute condo. It was good therapy to work on decorating, etc. I've also learned to do some mechanical stuff, but I have a long way to go.

So maybe new surroundings would do you good. It may help get you out of the rut.

One other thing. My cousin, who I haven't talked to in a few years called today. He heard about WH from my brother and wanted to know how I was doing. His W of 25 years left him the day his 3rd child graduated from college, and he was devestated at the time. Anyway, we talked about my sitch a little, and how he was shocked etc. He said, "Well, there's no love like a new love. Problem is when the new love becomes the old love you have the same issues. Too many guys want to chase after the new love." The new love will eventually wear down Cat. And they will be faced with the all of the same problems that they both tried to get away from, only when that happens they'll have ex-spouses, step kids, child support, and the fact that they both have to be suspicious of the other because the A will always be on both foreheads.

Get out there and try a few dates. If nothing else other than to find new friends and keep yourself occupied.

Thanks Chai,

I do believe that if issues were not resolved prior to this new M, then they will have the same issues that they had in the other M.

Although, with them, there are no kids...yet, and I think that was a big issue when he was with me.

Plus I think they are going to try REALLY hard to make this work, if not for just the fact to prove everyone wrong that said it never would last!

I remember a year after he was livng with her and we were going through the D, I asked him if this was what he wanted...to get D'd.

He told me that he was happy with her, there was no conflict in a year, and he liked that. (we had been having problems with DD at he time I believe he started his A, and we were arguing alot...aka conflict)

But... IC is MAKING me go to this singles dance this weekend.

It is the last thing I want to do, but made me promise that I would at least go for 1 hour. If I don't like it, then I can leave.

We'll see...

Just remember that no M is perfect, and each has proven that they would rather run to someone else than work on the problems.

Anyway, the outing is a good idea. Go and try to have some fun.

WooHoo!!! I've had to do some interesting repairs also including the toilet (which I eventually had to replace but for that I got a friend to do it).

If you can't help, try renovating. Nothing complicated or expensive - start with paint. In fact, start in the bedroom. First, buy new linens. Do this immediately - find something you like and don't worry about how it will match. Then go to the paint store. But don't just buy any old paint. Find some interesting faux finish that will not only change the look of your room, but will provide an artistic challenge. I did this in the bathroom (same one as the busted toilet). It took a long time - especially agonizing over the colours etc. But it is so cool now.

Another thing, do something that he would either not have approved of or wasn't interested in. I have a room in my basement where we used to store boxes and junk. I had always wanted to clean it out and put a ping pong table in there. He always said it was too small for a ping pong table so it remained a junk room. Last summer, I went through all the boxes, threw tons of stuff out, organized the rest and bought a cheap ping pong table. I assembled it myself and guess what - it fits just fine!!! Unfortunately I'm going to have to get rid of it when I move, but the pride I felt at doing it was SO worth it! And even though I never got to say it, the "I told you so" factor was definitely there!!!


This is exactly what you are doing. And you will break it down into all it's components and grieve each little thing separately. But it's important to replace each of these components as you go. The home repairs for example - you grieve the loss of someone who knows how to do it - but replace that with your own knowledge of what to do.

You will make it. It takes time, but you will get there. Go to these dances. You are clearly not ready to date yet but that doesn't mean you are under house arrest. Go to anything you can - even if it doesn't seem all that appealing to you at first. This is your chance to try things you never did before.

Thanks Tabby,

I did do a bit of redecorating right after I filed for D. Changed my bedroom around, got new living room lamps etc.

Just went out today and bought some new paint. I love to paint, so I'm going to actually paint all the rooms in the house. One at a time of course. They haven't been painted in quite awhile and I've decided to do that.

That should keep me busy I guess!

If you like painting, try something different. I did a faux finish in my bathroom. I was SO nervous about it - mixing colours and glazes and stuff. But it turned out well and it was actually really fun. Before I put the stuff on the walls, I got a bunch of paint samples and tried different things on a giant piece of cardboard (I broke down a box and did something a little different on each square). I actually saved my cardboard sample as it is really cool and artistic looking. Not quite sure what I'm going to do with it but I'm not ready to throw it out either!

I was thinking of doing that sponge painting. My aunt did that to her bathroom and it came out good. Right now I just bought plain old paint. We'll see if I'm in the mood to get creative!

Having a bad day today, so not much into doing anything.

ExH just called.

He will be taking DS roller skating on Thursday to tell him about his M.

Finally!
He's only been married now for several months!

Question...how do I handle this?

I'm not sure what he will say to DS, but I know DS will keep his feelings inside even though he might be upset or whatever. I don't think he likes OW, but he has never menioned anything to me. As I said he keeps it all in. Even IC for him never worked. He won't open up and then takes it out on me!

I think he will be hurt that ExH kept this news from him for all these months, but I'm sure ExH will have a reason for him as to why.

Any advice?

anyone?

How old is DS? Are you thinking of telling him first? It might not be a bad idea. You don't owe your ex any loyalty but you do owe it to your son. This way you can deal with his reaction personally and give him a chance to put on a brave face for the actual ordeal.

I agree with Tabby that you might want to tell him first. But I would tell DS that he's doesn't have to be phoney and act happy if he's not and he doesn't have to act a certain way because of you either cat. Perhaps your son says so little because he doesn't want either of his parents to be mad with him and appear to be taking sides. Let him know you are there if he wants to talk.

A brave face does not equal acting happy. It's more about maintaining composure and not overreacting in a way you might be embarrassed about later. This could be important depending on DS's age - for example if he's in the awkward teen phase.

He's 10.

I spoke with my IC this morning. IC thought it would be best for ExH to tell him as it's his deal.

IC feels ExH should have told him "before" he got mariried, not months later. Now DS will see that as a betrayal.

DS keeps everything inside, always has, then he acts out on me.

IC says that's because I'm here and he knows I'm a sure thing, I won't leave him like ExH did.

I do agree with you in that he probably doesn't say much in that he doesn't want to take sides.

You don't know how much I want to tell him not to like OW, that she destroyed his family and is a wh$re! Of course I won't but it's sooooo tempting.