Thess, I have had to expose an affair and I will tell you that it is absolutely heartbreaking. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I cried all day after I did it. My heart was so broken.

Believe me, I KNOW exactly how you feel and it is such a horrible feeling. I had to FORCE myself to put aside my feelings and do the right thing. I put it off for DAYS and finally had to force myself to the phone. I knew I could not look myself in the mirror if I didn't do it.

I couldn't very well tell people on this forum to expose affairs and then not have the courage of my own convictions.

When I did it, the H was extremely GRATEFUL and thanked me. His FWS has also thanked me.

I know you don't want her to go through pain, but she should have a chance to save her marriage like you have. She can't do that if she doesn't know the true problem.

She is also at great risk of STDs and probably does not know that.

Ask yourself this, if your neighbor's bookkeeper was stealing his money, would you tell him? Or would you apply the rationale that "it would hurt him" and not tell him?

We know it is very hard, Thess. But it is the right thing to do.

Ok, Folks!

I guess I have to weigh in here as well. Harley says that exposure is a must when trying to end the affair. Shining the light of day on the affair and the lying is one of the most effective ways to start the decline of the affair.

Thess' W has ended the affair and is withdrawal. The OM and she as far as Thess knows are maintaining no contact. Exposure is NOT a must at this point. Recovery is a MUST, getting through withdrawal is a MUST, but exposure is not.

Having said this however, I would strongly encourage Thess to expose the affair to the OM's W because it is the honorable thing to do. She does deserve a chance to make decisions for herself.

Personally, I would suggest that Thess and his W get a bit further down the road and beyond withdrawal before exposure. If she does not seem to be coming out of withdrawal the waiting could end at any time on Thess part with regard to telling OM's W.

If everyone recalls reading SAA, the purpose of exposure is to recruit people of influence to assist in encouraging the wS to end the affair and give the marriage a chance. It is not revenge, it is not punishment, and it isn't to "even" the score.

OM's W should know and frankly the correct person to tell is Thess' W. But, we all know it may be awhile before she is at a point of honor to do this. Nevertheless, at this point the A is over, and the marriage needs to recover before Thess attempts to help another persons marriage.

I will also say to Thess he needs to keep OM's W's number on speed dial, because the first hint that contact has been made, OM's W should be receiving a phone call from him. At this point other important people in his W's life should be contacted and asked for help in rebuilding this marriage.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

I've been reading your posts for quite a while now, and I have usually lined up right behind you. But this time, I tend to disagree and throw in with the others who've posted to Thess.

Why? If his wife is in withdrawal from OM, how would he know FOR SURE when and if it becomes too painful for her to stay away from him? How would he know the minute she makes contact? The A could be off and running again before he knew it, and he'd have to start at ground zero, while then letting OMW in on the secret. Too risky for my taste.

And it doesn't address the poor OMW's right to know. To me, that's secondary to exposing to prevent future contact, but it's still a valid point.

The poor man has been through he11. I'd hate to see him start all over with another D-Day when he can take steps to prevent it.

With all due respect,
RHW

Well, I must say I got more from you all than I was expecting. Sincere with no holds barred, but I needed to hear it. Many have been thru this and know better tham I. I am listening. Afraid of my wife "iam" - Dont think so. I'm afraid of losing her because of my feelings for her and don't wish to live without her.She made a mistake, I don't wish to punish her. She needs to be remorseful and wiling to re-build. I'm not perfect either. I neglected her.

Exposure is coming thru loud and clear and I can see many more benefits than my guilt or compassion for her feelings. I will commit to exposure, it's the right thing to do.I puts closure to it. Thanks Suamico, Black Raven for you "directness", and especially army momma, I was pleased to hear your story. Saturday Oct. 11 will be one month since Discovery. That will be a good day to "let the cat out of the bag". Thank you all for your sincere concern, I appreciate the responses, what ever they are. I know you are here to help.

My exposure experience was nearly identical. This stopped any of my H's possible remaining feelings of "lost my soulmate" right on the spot.

I prefer soulmeat myself.

thanks for listening, Thess. It won't be easy, but it will be RIGHT. You are a good man.

Okay, Thess, I have been married for 37 years. You should tell her. The reason I can say this is that my spouse had an affair with a woman fr his work (I just cannot use the abbrevs., sorry guys). It was in 83. They maintained it, without my knowledge, off and on for 15 years. No one ever had the guts to tell me, but lots of ppl knew.

I wish so badly someone had let me know. I know that many knew over the years. She was not the only one. He was with her for extended periods of time around five times, and I found him to be having an affair that has lasted the past 13 years with a friend of mine. He finally ended the affair with the woman from 83 in 1998, but that woman and my friend overlapped three years.

If only ONE person, one of my so called friends or associates who knew this would have told me, or helped me, I would not be where I am. I learned all this in May of this year. I had caught him talking to the orig. affair twice, once in 89 and then in 98, but he swore she just called to see how things were. But I did not want to face the truth, I suppose, and my husband is the best liar in the world. Class 1. Even his other lover at the time, my friend, believed he just talked to her, when he was doing them both.

Now, I am 56, have lost both breasts to cancer, have a diagnosis of MS and the shock of all this, because there were four others, along with my rage and anger, has taken a huge toll. Tell her. Don't put it off.

Another thing is that your wife will find out what a great guy he is when he has to face his wife. He will turn coat on her in a flash. He will tell things she would never have dreamed he would tell, place blame on her, do whatever it takes to make himself look good. I would bet the farm on that one. I am living it.

I wanted to say one more thing in case I was not clear, the other man will tell his wife things that your wife will never believe that he would. He will throw your wife under the bus big time. His "best friend", your wife, will be his worst enemy very quickly. She will see him for what he is.

Righthere,

Your kind words are greatly apprciated. I realize this is a moot point since Thess is going to tell Om'sW. That is fine with me I was not arguing against telling. I was arguing against the statement he MUST tell her because that was the MB way.

You offered a case for consideration
First I think he would know if it restarted, she would start being happy again. But, allow me to offer you a counter case.

Right now she is in withdrawal. Her focus is on the OM, her thoughts are of OM, her desire is for OM. So Thess tells OM's W and she kicks him out, perhaps even files for divorce. OM is in withdrawal as well, and he is now alone, guess who he is going to call? It sure isn't "Ghost Busters", it will be Thess' W. She hasn't gotten through withdrawal and her focus on OM rather than Thess. So guess what the most likely scenario is? She will meet with OM, they will commiserate, tell each other how badly their spouses treated them, and he will convince her to leave with him, as he is now alone.

Does this scenario sound likely? I think so, more so than the one you offered. Who is right? I don't have a clue. I would just like to see Thess' W through withdrawal and their relationship a bit more stable before he tells OM's W. I do agree with others she has the right to know what has been going on. I am just suggesting that timing is sometimes important.

All I really want to see is that Thess be able to rebuild his marriage, and yes for OM's W to also have that chance or at least the right to make a decision.

God Bless,

JL

Good points, got me thinking again. The OM has a lot to lose financially and is a high profile individual at his work and in Community and socially. I live in a relatively small town. I do not believe he will choose my W as he has told her "even if I was single I wouldn't go back to you",.. my W told me after she tried to contact him shortly after Discovery. She told me about contact and his response (that was surprisingly honest of her). In spite of this she is hopeful (my view) and pining and waiting. She went to MC last week but does not talk about it to me. So I am not afraid of Exposing. It will bring a lot of grief, pain and turmoil to OM and his W and also, to my W I beleive, but it will also kick start the recovery or break up our marriage, one or the other. That is the risk and I am emotionally ready to take that risk to see where the chips fall. One way or the other I need to move on with my life, preferably with her but I can't stay in "no mans land" much longer, hoping it will fix itself.
I'm ready to Expose as the best option, given your collective counsel. I thank you for you help and God Bless you too.

This is why I agree with your decision to tell the OMW sooner rather than later. Once the OMW knows your wife will know the OM has a made a choice and see it is not her. Your W harbors this fantasy that he longs for her, and she will see that he does not. KiwiJen, a FWW, stated that with the OMW knowing, she didn't dare contact him, That shut off that path for her.

I understand JL's concerns, but that is not what usually happens upon exposure.

If the OM wanted your WW he would of dumped his wife for WW.

Expose.

Expose. The right timing is right now.
Exposure is empowering to the BS in the sense that the adulterous fog-filled spouse no longer has their hands on the steering wheel of the marriage. The WS is drunk :crosseyedcrazy:- don't let them drive.

JL - what I do not see in your post is any mention of the absolute helplessness a BS feels in this situation. Your post is all about the WS - the :crosseyedcrazy: drunk-on-emotions WS is not trustworthy - and with any (highly likely as you stated) future contact - the WS :crosseyedcrazy: drunkness worsens and the marriage suffers - and the BS is more and more helpless and hopeless.

Exposure is protective of the marriage and allows the BS a more prominent position when it comes to having a "say" about where they are headed.

Until the other betrayed spouse is aware of what is going on - the BS still has his/her neck placed on the guillotine and the WS holds the axe that sends the blade south.

Pep

This part of the story sort of got lost in the discussion about exposure, I think.

I agree that exposure is the right thing 2 do, and sooner rather than later.

But Thess' state of mind re the marriage and his attachment 2 his W needs 2 be considered as he goes forward as well.

Right now, so soon after d-day, this attachment is probably not entirely healthy - more like clinging 2 a fantasy of married life that was just destroyed by the discovery of the affair, than a sharing between 2 equal individuals. edited 2 add: Ignorance isn't really bliss, and Thess is no longer ignorant.

Even2ally though, as Thess is recovering himself from the shock and establishing a healthier emotional base for being a H, he'll be less needy of the dysfunctional relationship his marriage had become. Hopefully, his W will heal and grow in a similar manner, but it's unlikely that the timing of milestones in their processes will coincide.

One of the things I was often told, and was probably repeated most recently by Steadfast & Committed, was your WS will most likely make her most profound steps back 2 your marriage when she/he realizes that you are truly ready 2 let them go.

One of the risks of exposure 2 the OPS is that it might "drive the affairees 2gether". If that's what they're inclined 2 do, then there's really nothing you can do 2 stop it (in fact, some BSs get 2 a point that they'd just as soon the affairees DID go off 2 fantasyland 2gether and leave them in peace - I know I felt that way at least once). So it might be useful 2 consider where Thess is in his current state of mind, with regard 2 his marriage and his willingness 2 let it go if something like this were 2 be a likely outcome of exposure 2 the OMW.

Again, I'm not suggesting NOT exposing. More, I'm suggesting doing something like being prepared for all the foreseeable outcomes. Then act.

-ol' 2long

Thanks 2Long i enjoyed your response particularly the following piece:
One of the things I was often told, and was probably repeated most recently by Steadfast & Committed, was your WS will most likely make her most profound steps back 2 your marriage when she/he realizes that you are truly ready 2 let them go.

One of the risks of exposure 2 the OPS is that it might "drive the affairees 2gether". If that's what they're inclined 2 do, then there's really nothing you can do 2 stop it (in fact, some BSs get 2 a point that they'd just as soon the affairees DID go off 2 fantasyland 2gether and leave them in peace - I know I felt that way at least once). So it might be useful 2 consider where Thess is in his current state of mind, with regard 2 his marriage and his willingness 2 let it go if something like this were 2 be a likely outcome of exposure 2 the OMW.

My response:
This morning I sent my W a note exactly on the theme you relate above. I did not receive a response yet so it should be interesting when I return from work this evening.

I feel, this week, I have turned the corner from the "desperation" and "begging" stages I was in upon Discovery. I am starting to get back to my old confident self once again and feeling much more in control. It's good to be there. Certainly time and counselling and support from friends, both male and female and some of you here have influenced my thinking and I needed a "kick in the pants" to grow up, and "smell the coffee" and move foreward with my life with or without my W.

So this mornong's note to my W stated in a nutshell, that I was truly willing to let her go, exactly as you stated. I told her cannot change her. If she would rather be alone, chase her fantasy, that's ok with me. I will respect and support her decision, although I stated that I am committed to and would prefer to recover the marriage, at whatever pace she would like, that I care deeply for her and that I would be open and honest with her and asked her to reciprocate.

I did not mention anything about Exposure, but I will tell her just before I do it. I am mature enough and finally in control of my emotions to proceed one way or the other. I am important to myself, I have many good qualities but with shortcomings that I am actively working on, I am not perfect but I am following both my head and my heart and I am at peace. Don't get me wrong, I have some anxiety moving forward because I have never done this before but I am happy with my path going forward. I need to become myself again. enjoy my friends and family and live again....Your response, 2Long, validated my senses, so I know I'm on the right path, Thank you..and God Bless you too. J.

Telling her is a BIG mistake.

Why would you even consider it?

You should expose and THEN tell her. The reason is that waywards - and she still is pretty new 2 withdrawal, so she's got some fog ahead of her - can do preemptive "damage control" and alert the OP so they can alert their BS that some loon is about 2 contact them and feed them lies.

Exposure is also not used as leverage or punishment 2 the WS - it's telling the truth so those kept in the dark by the affair can make their own life-altering decisions.

A possible exception 2 this would be if your W were willing 2 write a NC/exposure letter WITH YOU, and send it 2 both the OM and the OMW.

-ol' 2long

Agreed. Big mistake.


Here is a synopsis of what you will see:
Desperation. Crying. Begging. Pleading that you not expose OM.
She will be in full protection mode for her lover. Do you want to see that? She will blame you for hurting OM's wife (ignoring the fact that HER actions were the cause...not the telling...)
Then if her crying doesn't work -- she'll try anger. She will unleash venom upon you like you have never heard before.
She will tell you that she was "trying" but now she can't. That you are someone she can't trust. She will try using her "I'm leaving you" card when the other things don't work. She will try to shift the focus from "exposure" to making you afraid that you're losing your marriage. She will likely contact OM to warn him. Then OM can spin the story to his wife that some crazy jealous husband is stalking him.

Don't put yourself through this. She will do ANYTHING to keep you from telling OMW. You will see sides of her that you would never expect to see.

Just do it -- no warning. Just inform your wife after the fact.

DITTO