Hi my friends,

I was on here about 2 years ago and thought you people can help this lady. I found (stuchinthemud) on a family web site. She posted about an old BF from the past and that she can't seem to get him out of her head. I told her to come to this site and start reading and that I would make post for her so you guys could help.

I'm hoping Marsh or other FWW see this so they can help her stop before it gets too far. She has brought the book HNHN.

thanks all.
Maybe2late

Hey M2L,

Remember me? I think it was you who started the "Hate MB, Love MB" thread a couple springs ago that lead to the chat about a cyber BBQ picnic. Right? I was addicted to MB posting at the time and always late for work but THAT was a fun thread.

I've wondered how you're doing. I've been 'on vacation' for a couple months and mostly post on the recovery forum, but I'm glad to see you checking in.

Ace

P.S. Do you have an update? If you haven't done so, could you please post about your recovery (personal and/or marital) on the Success Stories thread which is linked to my sig line? I've been off so long that I have no idea what page it's sunk to, but the link should take you right to it, I hope. Thanks.

Let me add a little info:

Stuckinthemud has been married since 1999.

Not sure about kids.

She keep emaling an old BF from college, but wants to stop and work with her DH to have a good marriage. I have told her that ALL CONTACT MUST STOP ASAP!!!

One last important item, her DH travels a lot for work. I have asked her if he can change that to be togther more. She has not talked about that.


Ace ~ I do remember you and the others (ML, Marsh, Pep, LG, Shattered D.

Just curious, is she going to start her own thread?

Edited to add: BTW, she isn't almost a WW she is a WW in an EA. If she is already to the point he is constantly in her thoughts and "can't" stop emailing she is already addicted to him and the feelings associated with him.

The very first thing she needs to do is tell her DH about how she is feeling about this other guy.

Sure it will be a hard conversation and he will be hurt, but I certainly would have rather told my DH I was attracted to another man than to tell him I had an A with him.

If he knows he can help keep her honest about what she is doing. They both need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She should also research Emotional Affairs.

LC

thanks,maybe2late, for getting me started here. I'm not sure even where to begin with this post. It will be long. Firstoff, I've looked around the site awhile now and I am wondering where are all the ws's that have stopped their affairs and made it work with their bs? I really could stand to hear encouraging words from those who have strayed but were able to reconnect with their bs and make it work. My biggest fear is not necessarily cutting off contact with om but cutting off contact with om and then not being able to reconnect with my dh. So, success stories from ws would be great to hear.
Now, about my situation. Married to dh for 8 years(1999), together 13, married when we were both 28. 2 young girls (4years and 1 year). My girls are great and dh is wonderful. He is caring, honest, loving, hardworking, funny. Dh works about 80hours a week. In about 2002, ex-boyfriend that I dated for 2 years,finds me via email. Emails me a polite hello. I email back. Since then we had emailed a handful of times, maybe 5 emails in 6 years (until this past week), just how are you, or Merry Christmas. I have had many dreams about us getting back together, and dh is in dream too and it is always the same dream about kind-of flirting/acknowleding that we kind-of like one another but knowing we shouldn't because I'm married and in the dream we never end up together (I've had this dream about one other ex too, very strange). But, gradually over the course of the past 6 years, mostly this past year, I have increasingly become obessessed in thoughts of him, not just dreams but while I'm awake I think about him. Now over the past 3 weeks or so it has gotten completely out of hand. I thing about him non-stop. Every song,every place I go,all the time. It got so bad I brokedown and emailed him.He lives out of state and I have not seen him since before I met dh. All this time I resisted the temptation to email him something that expressed my thougts of him but this past 3 weeks I just had to know if he had any feelings for me like I have for him (he does). Anyway, so that is where I am at. I have not done nc yet. I plan to sooner than later (addiction-I know). I was hoping by emailing him my feelings and hearing his it would provide a sense of closure for me so I can close that chapter and get back to fixing my marriage, now that I've created chaos in it (dh does not know of my emails or my constant thinking of another man). And crazy enough I do feel like knowing that he is still attracted to me provides a bit of closure for me. I for some reason needed to know that I wasn't alone in being stuck in the past(mud). I broke things off with him because I was really upset each time after we had sex so I figured he must not be the one. Well, then I found I struggled with the same sexual issues with my dh, and while we were dating tried to break it off with him too, for the same reason. Now I realize what I struggled with (low desire for sex) had nothing to do with them and more to do with me. So it ended up that I broke up with a man that I am more pysically attracted to than my dh, and now I am left wondering if I should have just stayed with ex knowing now that the sex thing really could have been resolved.
Well, probably waaaay...too much info. to post but I certainly don't care at this point as I need the help.
I'd really like to find a counselor who goes by the marriagebuilders process but didn't find one listed when I searched the site. I see my counselor tomorrow but I've got to find one closer to me so I can go regularily. Not for mc but just for me for now. Thanks for any insight and like I said, I need some success stories from ws's. And I know, I need to stop all contact with om before I get in even deeper. Help

Hello stuckinthemud, I’m an FWW. I’m writing all of this from the voice of experience.

“dh does not know of my emails or my constant thinking of another man)”

He needs to know. Affairs (A’s) thrive on secrecy. Since there has not been anything physical in your A yet, you are fortunate because it is the perfect time to have a serious talk with your DH. Let him know your marriage (M) is in trouble and about the emails to and from OM. Tell him that you find yourself tempted by OM and that you realize this is a wake-up call to you that you need to work with your H on issues in your M. Make sure your H knows you love him and want to think about him, not OM.

“Now I realize what I struggled with (low desire for sex) had nothing to do with them and more to do with me.”

It’s good that you realize this!

“So it ended up that I broke up with a man that I am more pysically attracted to than my dh, and now I am left wondering if I should have just stayed with ex knowing now that the sex thing really could have been resolved.”

This does not make sense. The “sex thing” can be resolved with your H, too. Besides, OM is no longer an option. The reason he is not an option is because:

“Married to dh for 8 years(1999), together 13, married when we were both 28. 2 young girls (4years and 1 year). My girls are great and dh is wonderful. He is caring, honest, loving, hardworking, funny.”

In an A, everyone gets hurt. Everyone. Including children.

“My biggest fear is not necessarily cutting off contact with om but cutting off contact with om and then not being able to reconnect with my dh.”

This is a very selfish statement. Forget OM. Forget about the dreams – they are NOT special messages or indications that you and OM should be together. Turn your attention to your H and make every effort to reconnect with him because he is your H and the father of your children. If you had a marriage ceremony, I’m assuming you made a sacred vow to your H to remain faithful.

Do not keep OM in the wings as someone to fall back on in case you do not reconnect with your H. You cannot reconnect with your H if OM is in the picture in any form or fashion.

OM is messing with another man’s wife. He is not a good choice as a partner of any kind.

“And I know, I need to stop all contact with om before I get in even deeper.”

You are already in pretty deep. You are already addicted to the way you feel when you think of or email OM. Notice I said you are addicted to the way you feel, not OM. You are enjoying the rush – the adrenaline and endorphin “high.” Cold turkey is the best way to go, and the most respectful thing to do for your H and children.

You can only imagine how much I wish I had told my H about my A while it was still in the emotional affair (EA) emailing-an-old-BF stage, instead of having to tell him after it became a physical affair (PA). Both types of A’s are devastating, but the PA feels much worse to me now that I’ve been through it. If I could undo only one thing in my life, the PA would be it.

My H and I have been recovering for over 6 years now. It has been a very long, difficult, unpleasant road. Please turn your attention to your H, your M, and your children. Be thankful that you have an opportunity to stop the nonsense regarding OM sooner rather than later.

“I see my counselor tomorrow” I hope your session goes well. A counselor who is pro-marriage is a must. Marriage counseling (MC) is a must, also.

God bless,
Rose

If you worry about your H's reaction when you tell him about the OM, you could tell him in counseling, or have a close friend or relative (someone you trust who loves you both) present when you tell him.

Rose

Rose, thank you thank you for your words and story. I can go to bed encouraged.

Glad if I can help, stuckinthemud. You are doing the right thing by looking for help. Be strong! Good night.

God bless,
Rose

Hi Rose,

So glad to see you posting. I didn't recognize your name so I looked up your posting history. I've been gone a couple months so I don't recognize a lot of names.

When I was searching your profile I found the spam list you posted in 2003. I started a recovery vacation thread last summer and that list was perfect for it. I hope you don't mind that I cut and pasted the list of What Kids Think About Marriage.

Here's the link to the top of the page (scroll down to the bottom):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1920402&fpart=302

Stuckinthemud....I've had multiple Almost EA's. Details in chapter 6 of our recovery story attacked to my sig line.

Glad you're seeking help,SITM. Rose and LC have great insights from personal experiences.

Ace

Stuckinthemud,

I agree with Rose, tell your DH about the contact.

Sit him down and tell him what you have done. It will seem hard and uncomfortable, but it will be a heck of a lot easier to tell him this than to tell him you had a physical relationship with this other guy.

My DH had no clue I had had an A until 15 months after I ended it. My A was mostly emotional, we did have physical contact (a few makeout sessions). Thankfully, we did not have sex. The guilt and keeping the secret about killed me.

What I did was write down everything I wanted to tell my DH. I knew if I didn't write it down I would forget stuff (probably intentionally). Don't downplay the situation. Tell him you both need to work on meeting each other's needs.

My DH worked a ton of hours like your DH and we totally neglected each other. You can easily learn how to meet each other's needs even with busy schedules.

My DH has posted a little here on this board and our entire story is on a success story thread. If you click where it says "Our Success Story" in my sigline, you can read it if you are interested. My DH's username is Docp.

Our marriage has fully recovered from a nighmare I created that was so avoidable had I had the guts to tell him I was feeling neglected in our marriage and found myself attracted to someone else.

LC

stuckinthemud...

OH. MY. GOSH.

You are ME back in 2005, EXCEPT you are doing something that I did not do, you are seeking HELP before going completely down the wayward tube...You have given yourself, your husband and your children the BEST chance of a wonderful marriage and family by coming here, IF you will LISTEN...Oh I pray you will listen...

I did have an affair with my ex hs/college bf...By the grace of God our marriage did recover, but so many do not...And the damage that I did to myself and my husband I can never take back, no matter how much I wish it...YOU have a golden opportunity here stuckinthemud, PLEASE, PLEASE take it...No one ever regrets doing the right thing...

I know very well about living out that fantasy in your head regarding the exbf...Everything is very romanticized and different...It takes you back to a time in your life that was more carefree...a time before you had mommy responsibilities...I could go on and on, but I know you know what I'm talking about...It's not REAL though...it is pure fantasy...the same problems you have now you would have with him only worse because it would be a relationship built on the pain and destruction of others...a foundation of lies and deceit...and your poor children's family would be destroyed...oh no, no...

I will do everything in my power to help you save your family from the pain and destruction that is GUARANTEED to follow if you don't end contact with OM right now...Please email me stuckinthemud, use the address in my signature...Our situations are so eerily similar that I would be happy to talk to you if you would like...There are things that I could better share with you by talking...I have free nationwide long distance and I'd be happy to call you if you would feel comfortable with that...I am THRILLED that you have come here for help and like I said earlier, I pray that you will listen...

Mrs. W

P.S. Maybe2Late!!! What up dawg? It's great to see you around...you did a great thing bringing stuckinthemud here! Would love to hear an update either here or in email!

Thanks for stepping in Mrs.W. I was just about to put a call out to you and Marsh to get your help. Almost forgot my password it's been so long.

Stuck - LISTEN to these women, they were you at one point and you can learn from them.

thanks agian Mrs.W.
M2L

Start a thread for YOU M2L!!! We sure do miss your sense of humor around here! If I recall correctly, your marriage may not have made it, but that doesn't mean that YOU aren't a personal recovery success story - Sometimes for a BS, divorce IS success...Your wisdom is still VERY valuable here...

Mrs. W

shucks

Oh I cannot tell you how relieved I am to come on here today and see some posts to help me. I am in crisis mode right now and will really really need your help to get me through this. Thank you, I am grateful. ONe moment I know I can do this, save our marriage and reconnect with my dh and one minute I feel like it will never work and even by nc with ex I will not be able to rekindle the relationship with dh. He certainly deserves a spouse who can give him all he needs and deserves. Gotta run right now but I will be back hopefully later tonight with more details and questions. Peace

Rose55-you are right, saying that I am afraid to cut off contact with om and that dh and I won't be able to reconnect is completely selfish. That is what is an affair really is isn't it? Just plain selfish. I love what you said that I am addicted to the way the om makes me feel and the emotions that go with that, not to om. I hope that is the case. You said I can fix the "sex thing" but how? I'm not so sure. I've been to a sex therapist, I've been trying for years now. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg. My en's not being met so then I didn't feel connected so the sex was not fulfilling or the sex was not fulfilling emotionally (not physically) so I pulled away emotionally.
I have many more comments to make and questions but is there a way to have the space I am typing in on the same page as people's comments? I want to respond to some posts but don't know how to flip back in forth to what I am writing and what you all have written. Is there a way to do that?

Lifeschoice and other ws's out there-have you been able to move on in such a way that you have let go of the constant attraction/addiction to om?? I don't want to live with my mind constantly thinking about someone else. I plan to live like that if need be, because I don't intend on divorce and I do intend to recover the best we can in our M but I really want to live focused on my dh and not on om.

Mrswondering-you say it is pure fantasy but is it really? I mean, I spent time 2 years with this om yet, albeit a long time ago but I know I am attracted to him. As you know, this type of thing is so different from an ea on the internet with someone you never met, and also so different from an ea with a "new" person you just met. I'm sure others will disagree and say it is all the same, ea's are ea's. I am so grateful you are here. I will certainly be emailing you and would very much like to talk over the phone for more insight. Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Stuckinthemud,

If you haven't already done so be sure to read the basic concepts. They are linked in the nav bar at the top of the page.

The way I respond to posts I want to see is to open them in a new window or tab in my browser. That way you can copy and paste to quote stuff and see what you are replying to as you go along.

Some additional links that might help are:

Steps to take to overcome infidelity
Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love
Romantic Love: Is it a Realistic Goal
How to Meet Emotional needs

The comparison to an addiction is not merely an analogy, BTW. The chemicals released in the brain are the same ones that are present in an addict as they use their drug of choice. And like any addict, your cravings will lessen as you go through withdrawal, which will have many of the same symptoms as withdrawal from drugs or alcohol including depression, rapid mood swings and a general lethargy mixed with periods of determination to succeed followed by moments of shear panic and terror. My wife even took anti-depressants for a while after she began NC with OM.

Mark

You can not lose your feelings for the OM if you still see him.

If you are having an affair you will never recover your feelings for your BH.

Why would a sane person want to build a life with a cheater?

If they will cheat with you the will cheat on you!

Mark, thank you for the links, I will be checking those out soon. And, thanks for the info. on addiction. So, what am I addicted to? I've only been in contact with other man on an inappropiate level about 3 times over email in the past 2 weeks. Other than that it was an emotional affair in my own head for 6 years. He had no idea I was even thinking of him. Am I addicted to the thoughts I had of him for the past 6 years?

TheRoad-I don't see om (he is in another state) but do have the ability to email him (that is how we contact one another. Just a minor detail but I wanted to be clear about it. I'm certain if I ever saw him I'd cross that line into pa vs. ea.
Also, he is not married. So if you are referring to me being the sane person wanting to start a life with a cheater, I'm not feeling sane but he is not married.