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#2140029 10/10/08 11:56 AM
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Hello I need some insight on the situation going on right now. See it's been 6 months since I told H about A 3 yrs ago. Things where going alright, we had read HNHN we are going to MC. But the about 2 weeks ago all the sudden it's like H flipped a switch and went from wanting SF every day to not at all. Then our son took his cell phone from the bedroom when he was sleeping to play with it like our son always does. I took the phone from him once I was about to put him to bed and i went to read his text messages (he gets these chain texts from co-workers, jokes, that I like to read H forwarded me a few before but i just would read them from his phone instead). Well, he has all the sudden started erasing all his text messages. The only one's there where mine from that afternoon but all the other's were gone and I had sent him some the night before. H never erased anything before, call history, text messages, voice mails, emails nothing. It's seems like something isn't right and it's bothering me. I asked him about the messages last night and he said it was to make room but the phone automatically erases messages after so long so that is BS. I'm hoping that I'm just over thinking all this but things he says and does has got me worried that he has either lost all feelings for me or found someone else.

Comments like a revenge A, that he would do one of his co-workers, that if we split he would be the biggest slut and do everyone he meets, that he has learned his lesson about my race and won't date another white girl again, that he wants sex but not always wants it from me.
Also the fact that he never knows when he'll be getting off work not even and estimated time when that is BS cause they have a schedule i've seen it but everytime I ask him he always says he don't know when all he has to do is look at the schedule in his pocket.

I brought all this up at MC but basically told that if he does have an A than that would alleviate the guilt from what I did 3 yrs ago but that isn't why. I DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE AN A. It's just the sudden change worries me but it's like I don't have a right to be worried because of what I did to him. I'm just so confused right now. Any advice?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

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Your husband just found out 6 months ago that his wife cheated on him and his son was not his. I'm sure he is going through an anger phase right now.

What have you done to make certain he feels safe these last six months?

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MM,

The 6 month point is often when the BS starts to feel extreme anger and show it. It has been discussed as to why this happens. One conjecture is that it takes about 6 months for the BS to feel the marriage has a chance and they relax the white knuckle grip on their emotions and the anger comes spilling out.

His other behavior is clearly something to keep an eye on. It is typical WS behavior, so he is probably hiding something. As Iam said, he has had to swallow quite abit. Your affair, the child he thought was his, is not. And as you have pointed out a mixed race situation. This last issue while not a deal breaker, means that commonality of reactions and how one sees things are frequently not the same.

Stay calm, pay attention as you have been, and do your best to be the W YOU want to be. This crucial. You must decide what sort of W you want to be and be that W. You cannot dance through hoops and continue to be consistent as a good W. Having said that, you need to understand how each of you views the role of a good W and use POJA to arrive at a win-win situation.

God Bless,

JL

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MM,

You guys have had a rocky relationship. I wouldn't be surprised for both of you to find out that there was really more infidelity and dishonesty along the way then you both really admitted to. Your M has had some very significant strain on it with the career choices that you made. I admire that you have tried to work it all out, but it is hard work.

Do what every BS does and gather more intel. Use GPS, keylogger, cell phone records, whatever it is that you need to do to get enough evidence to confront and to expose.

I like what JL said about being the wife that YOU want to be. Because as you know, this is a journey and through your Plan A, you will need to meet EN and leave out LB and hopefully the 2 of you will come out stronger in the end.

Good luck MM.


BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36

6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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I wonder if she went into a super plan A if that would help?


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OK so basically I want to understand that this whole thing is mostly just a part of recovery and not something I should be worried about (ie: a possible A).


Originally Posted by iam
What have you done to make certain he feels safe these last six months?

I am doing everything I can think of to help him. I have been staying at home with our son instead of working, I don't go out with any friends unless H knows them and approves and only hang out with female friends got rid of all male friends, I answer any questions he asks about what I have been doing that day, where I went, about the past, etc, i'm trying to do everything I can think of to prove to him that i'm sorry besides just saying it over and over and show him I'm not going to make the same mistake again. I've tired asking him if there is anything that I can do to help him that I haven't already been doing and he always tell me no. So I am trying to just show H that I want this M and willing to work and fight for it.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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What's a super plan A? And should I leave if H asks me to? H has talked about doing a trial separtation but I don't want to go live with my parents with my 3 yr old son and while I'm prego they smoke in the house and I just quit. But if that is what he wants than what should I do?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Quote
and not something I should be worried about (ie: a possible A).

Based on what you originally posted, I would be worried.



went from wanting SF every day to not at all. redflag

Well, he has all the sudden started erasing all his text messages. redflag

It's seems like something isn't right and it's bothering me. redflag

Comments like a revenge A, that he would do one of his co-workers, redflag

Every time I ask him he always says he don't know when all he has to do is look at the schedule in his pocket. redflag

H has talked about doing a trial separtation redflag


Last edited by chrisner; 10/10/08 12:40 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying everything I can think of I have been reading "how to survive an affair". plan A and B seem not to pertain to us since i'm not in the affair it's been 3 yrs since the affair but it's only been 6 months since I told H. So I don't know if I do start plan A to help him though everything if that would help but I'm not sure. According to the book it talks about 4 rules to recover a marriage after an affair:
1. rule of protection
2. rule of care
3. rule of time
4. rule of honesty

but can it work if only one is following the rules? If I am doing all this to help H and nothing ever chances wont it just drive me to leave him? I mean I am being as supportive as possible but doesn't everyone have a limit to how much abuse one can take? I'm I alone in this thought, am I just being selfish or if we both aren't willing to work on saving us are we just doomed?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Your situation requires more support. Do you feel your MC is not being effective? Have you tried talking to an MB counselor? They do effective phone counseling.

Your H will go through stages, like stages of grieving (see my link).

Plan A is more for him t/d but you BOTH can work on making personal improvements.

Each of you should identify and set your personal and marital boundaries. Then do it as a couple.

That's a start. Sounds like you need a plan.

JMHO,
L.


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H seems to like to MC we have but gets upset because he feels that everyone if telling him he needs to just get over it and move on. I don't know why he feels that way I have never asked him to just get over it and told him numous times that it is going to take time. But things have gotten worse in the past 2 weeks than it was in the very beginning so I'm so confused. H is obiviously in anger right now since he is treating me like crap but that's ok I deserve it what I did to him was horrible. That plus the thought that something might be going on with H and his co-worker is got me all mixed up. I brought my concerns up at our last MC appointment but was told basically that it seems I want him to be having an A so it would allivate my guilt but that isn't why I think he is. I dont think he is having a PA at least not yet because I don't know when he would have the time.

H is in the military and works long hours has overnight duty every 4 days so trying to do the PI work myself is out of the question cause I am pregnant and have a 3 yr old to take care of. I don't have the money to hire anyone plus he works out in the woods so it would be difficult to spy on him.

I'm not sure what to do anymore, how long does it normally take before the BS is more willing to work on the marriage? I'm doing the best I can but with everything else going on with me right now I don't know how much more I can take of this.

How can we work on us when H is never home? With his work schedule I barely see him at all and when he is home all he does is sleep. When he is awake he is in the other room watching TV. I try to get him to go do things but it's like pulling teeth.

Now with the deleting all the txt messages. In 2 days he had almost 150 txt messages and when I looked at his phone he had 0 on there. around 30 were from me he says that him and his co-workers txt eachother all day back in forth but they are right by eachother so WHY? Plus if that was the case then why erase them all if there is nothing to them. I don't understand.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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Also, maybe this was wrong to do but i didn't just do it for why he thinks. We have GPS locaters in our phones, I never knew that, so I was online looking at our cell phone bill and thinking about whether I wanted to try another company and there was a advertivment for the GPS locater so I wanted to see what is was. I signed both of our phones up for it since it was a free trial. I knew it was going to send H a txt message saying his phone could now be located I got the same txt plus it tells you when you are signing up so I wasn't trying to keep it from him. H got real upset about it saying I lowjacked him and said he was thinking about giving his phone to a friend one day when he had duty and tell him to go around to the strip clubs. I didn't think it was going to be that big a deal I was interested on what the GPS thing was all about and told him he could even log in to locate me. I showed him the site and everything but he still seems to think I am doing it for pure distrusting purposes. Yes I did desided to try it so I could see if he was really at work for so long like he says but also cause I wanted to see how it worked since I didn't know we could even do that with our phones. It's not like I tried to do it without him knowing about it so I don't understand why he is so pissed about it. I told him I would cancel it that it was a free trial thing and I wanted to see what is was.

Does his anger make since or is it confusing to anyone else?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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If a FWS is no longer in an A, and the BS is, or one is suspected, then yes, Plan A and Plan B are good options.

Six months is a really tough time, but from what you're saying his behavior is way over the top. I would not have dreamed of treating my H that way, even during the roughest patches of recovery.

I don't know if this is still the case, but if you have Nextel, you at least used to be able to view the TM's online with the deluxe text package.

Even if that isn't an option, keep checking his phone each time you have a chance. Also check his contact list, and the numbers on the phone bill. Eventually he'll get careless and make a mistake, if that's what he's doing.

Recovering from a double-A is hard but it is possible, so hang in there.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I have the co-workers number and for the last bill anyway didn't have many calls between them and they were only 1-2 mins each but i don't know about this month I can only view the mins used and txt messages used not the actual numbers until the bill comes out. I talked to our cell phone company and I can't get to see any of the txt messages unless I get a court order. Which seems over the top and doubt i could get one anyway. I don't have any friends up here that I could talk to that I could get to help spy for me cause all the ppl I know are his friends also and I doubt any of them would keep from telling him.

I am just trying to keep strong and work on proveing to H that I love him and want to be with him and only him. So based on what's going on me starting plan A is a good idea? How would I do that since I just think there is one and have no proof? It's just hard to keep from getting angry myself about how H is acting when I just found out I'm prego and so just stopped smoking. I get real cranky. lol. But I think I understand what I need to do even though I feel he is lying to me I just need to be happy go lucky basically don't get angry with him meet his needs and just be here for him. But afer the time limit if nothing changes then go to plan B.

But how do I justify plan B if an A is never proven? And how long should I set for plan A?


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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You want to successfully recover with your H, correct?

Because if you stay in your situation for months on end, you will get fed up with how he is treating you, and lose all your love for him. A or no A, that is what will happen.

To have any hope of recovery, you will very soon need to protect yourself and your love for him. A or no A, that is what you need to do.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Hi Marinemom,

You stated you are pregnant, with a toddler, H comes home and plops.

The 1st 2 is part of life. The 3rd item is changeable.

Sounds like your H needs more than a counselor. His moods c/b indicative of many things which need t/b identified by him, not you. Yet I realize you are the one here seeking help, not him.

So what t/d? Here are some suggestions. It will mean less work for you. Why? Because you need to not stress. Your pregnancy and the health of the baby require you keep stress to a minimum.

Ask your MC to ask your H to identify what H feels are the cause of his lack of interest and mood swings. Be prepared to hear some ugly stuff. Your H may not even know he is being a jerk but at least the MC can tell him so without making you out t/b the bad guy.

Write down what you want your MC to ask. Keep the list short and the request simple.

Here are some of the reasons for his attitude:

1. Contemplating a revenge A (very stupid move on his part)
2. Depressed
3. Needs closure (this is something you both need t/d)
4. Conflict avoider (and this issue refuses to be avoided)
5. Anger management issues (c/b a new symptom)

You probably can think of a few more. These are the ones I suspect.

Now that we have some listed, let's deal with it:

Item 1: Contemplating a revenge A


Let the MC deal with this one. Revenge A situations make the former BS a worse WS. Even if you have the right info, he won't be able to listen to you. BS' turned WS' are the worse kind. Make sure you get a good and aggressive MC to work in your behalf. Create a good support group. This will be hard to find but those who have dealt with these issues will see your cooperation vs his uncooperative one. Then let the qualified one's in your support group act in your behalf.


Item 2. Depressed


Your MC can direct you to a good doctor to help your H get evaluated and help as needed. Between a good MC and doctor, you will get good support. This one requires patience. Your A may have set him over the edge of something he was already fighting. Still together u 2 can work this out but you will need the help of a good MC/doctor each other and support group. See you are not alone in this fight for what is right.



Item 3. Needs closure


Closure is a healing technique that you each need individually and together as a couple. There are various types of closure. For many there is a physical action with a symbolic meaning (i.e. throwing the A away ceremony, etc.) For me it was going to the ocean and screaming, throwing away my wedding dress but keeping the bow. I never really like the bow and the dress was custom made but it was cleansing since I knew I could never go back to exactly how it was. It forced me as the BS to move forward and if my H was to return, he needed to also move forward with us (as a family).

Your MC can help in this regard.


Item 4. Conflict avoider


This one is hard. This requires a change in character. Was he a conflict avoider in the past? If so, get your MC to deal with this issue with him. You read His Needs/Her Needs, have his MC encourage him to read it and you need to learn HOW to communicate with him.

Btw, the HNHN book is a good one to keep and review as needed. It is am MB fundamental book.


Item 5. Anger management issues


Like conflict avoiding, have the MC deal with this one. If left unchecked, the police can even get involved if it results in a domestic violence case. Learn your rights regarding domestic violence.

A BS turned WS can easily create a domestic violence scenario even if they were non-violent in the past. KNOW when to call the police. Do NOT wait until you and the children are in physical danger. That is bad for your family and for him.

There are anger management groups and classes he can take. It may be hard to get him to admit it and go but if you let the MC or even police direct him, it will be easier.

Been there on this issue.

Hope this helps.
Orchid



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When I brought my thoughts up about the possibity of an A the MC basically threw it out as me wanting there to be one. And I'm not sure if this MC is helping at all because every time we go all he talks about is the loss of our trust and how H is griefing that loss and how H needs to deal with it on his own and over and over again. I doesn't seem to be helping but when I ask H if he likes the MC he says yeah but at the same time he says he wants someone to tell him what he is supposed to do.

H was a big conflict avoider before and that is a big issue now. H blames himself daily for the A, blames himself because he had the feeling but trusted me and never pushed the issue. He says he feels stupid and taken for a fool by him beign trusting. SO H states he don't trust anyone except his mother and will never trust another woman again if we divorce. H says the reason he is such an [censored] now-a-days is because he felt taken for a fool and refuses to ever let that happen again so the sweet man I married is gone and been replaced with a real [censored].

H also had anger problems before too, when H gets mad he punches things. I have a hole in the wall to prove it. One he already patched but the one from d-day is still there. And that was done right next to my head - literaly. H had never hit me but he does scare me when he gets mad.

I don't know if going to a new MC would be what we need or what but it's hard getting him to go now because of work, I don't know how many MC I need to go to. Plus we don't seem to have very good luck with MC. I even asked this MC about whether he was familiar with dr harley's work and that was what we had been reading and he said yes but I don't think he has done anything that dr. harley talks about in his books. Every session he talks about God this and God that, I'm a christian but God isn't going to fix this problem my H and I need to we can't just cross our fingers and hope God fixes it for us.


Me-25 FWW/BS
DH-25 BS/WH (user name DRO)
M- 4/17/2004
DS-4 OC born 12/10/2005
D-Day 1 4/4/2008 (my A)
DNA test #1 4/17/2008
DD-1 born 6/11/2009
D-Day 2 7/20/2010 (H's A)
DNA test #2 7/23/2010

NC yet to happen between H and OW........
R not yet able to happen


my story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2102978#Post2102978

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2408314&page=1
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MM...I KNOW you are trying to get things right...but honestly, you can't. You have betrayed your husband in a way that is unforgivable. Not only did you have an affair and keep it secret for so long...but you also took a child away from your husband that he thought was his.

Your husband should get to steer this ship now. If he wants out...be gracious and let him know that while you don't want a divorce, you will not fight him.

If your husband decides to have an affair, I can't say that I would fault him at this point. While an affair is NEVER the right thing to do you have totally shattered his life.

What do you see as a potential FIX for this problem??? You say God isn't going to fix this problem. Honestly, He is the ONLY one that can fix this mess. He can work miracles in your husbands heart. Nothing else will come close to repairing this.

Just be thankful that your husband has not kicked you to the curb already. You did treat him like a fool and despite your problems with him right now, he is showing himself to be a pretty good person by not immediately divorcing you. You earned that...now the question is, do you have what it takes to see him through the he!! you put him through.

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MM, did you ever schedule that appointment with SH?

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I bumped your other thread

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