I subscribe to a e-newsletter called crosswalk and this came the other day.
I can't say I am here yet, but I thought it might help somebody.
Lil

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Forgiving the 'Other Woman'
Rebeca Seitz

I was 22 years old, married for just over a year, when my mom said the words that opened my eyes. "That dog won't hunt." It's a phrase my southern mom has used for years when the story being told doesn't add up to truth in her powerfully discerning mind. Mom's never been wrong when she utters that sentence. When I described to her the goings on in my marriage and she came back with those words, I knew she'd just declared what I hadn't wanted to face. My husband was cheating.

I never considered that betrayal would enter my marriage. I suppose that was a bit naïve given the prevalence of betrayal in the marriages around me -- my dad's first marriage, two aunts, some cousins, several friends. Throughout my childhood, marriages around me kept falling apart due to adultery. Yet it simply didn't occur to me to be on guard.

My world shattered that day. Everything I thought I knew to be true suddenly came into question. Who was I? Who was this God that would allow my life to get so off course? Who was this man whose last name I shared? Where was the future I'd so meticulously planned since my girlhood days? How would they respond at the megachurch for which I worked? What sentence could I say to my husband to put everything back the way it had been -- if only in my mind? Could I forgive him? Stay married? I knew the Bible allowed for divorce in the case of adultery, but it doesn't demand such. That left me with choices to make instead of a dictated path.

My dad is a marriage counselor -- how's that for irony? I spent hours on the phone with him, wrestling over what course of action to take. Just as suddenly as I'd decided to forgive and stay, though, my husband decided the future. In a phone call from his mom's, he explained that he simply wasn't "created for marriage" and had "made a big mistake." He moved out on December 1 - my birthday.

For the next few weeks, I lived in a haze of disbelief. Questions and thoughts swirled through my mind like a southern twister in a thunderstorm. One kept coming to the forefront. How could one woman do this to another? I couldn't wrap my mind around someone purposefully causing this much pain and confusion in another's life. Weren't we women supposed to stick together and help each other out?

Throughout my life, as others were hit by betrayal, I'd had an image of the "other woman" as manipulative, scheming, cheap, tawdry, and desperate. The entire Hollywood cliché formed my image of her. But I couldn't reconcile that image with a woman my husband would be attracted to. And if that image was wrong, then what belonged in its place?

I read a lot, cried bucketloads, threw up my hands, journaled my heart out, and prayed even more and eventually picked up When Godly People do Ungodly Things by Beth Moore. Beth shared scripture which revealed that satan plots against each individual Christian. He's fine if the ultimate demise he's after takes years to accomplish. What else does he have to do but wait for his own defeat? And so he plots -- he plans, step by step, how to pull a believer down into the muck and mire.

Can't you just envision him now? Rubbing his hands with glee or chewing on the end of a pencil as he studies you and determines exactly which buttons to push to steer you down his path?

I've got a lot of buttons and -- entirely too often through the years -- I've allowed satan to have control over me. I've let him lead me right into the story he wrote. I've hurt people in the process -- parents, family members, and friends.

It dawned on me, sitting there with Beth's book in my hands and an image of a scheming satan in my mind, that I wasn't very different from the "other woman". I don't think she -- or anyone who commits adultery -- wakes up one morning and says, "I think today I'll commit adultery." I highly doubt that's what my husband did. No, I think it's a gradual process of steps laid out expertly by a grand manipulator. Our fault lies in taking those steps, in ceding authority of our story to one intent on our demise.

When I saw her in that light, I could empathize with the "other woman". I could forgive. I could understand. She gave up control of her story just like I've done so many times in too many ways. Her decision wreaked havoc in my life, but I've done the same in others' lives in other ways. If I couldn't forgive her this, how could I expect forgiveness myself?

It would have been easy to judge this woman, to judge my husband, to spend the rest of my life comfortable on my high horse and safe in my solitude. I tried that for a while. But, in reality, my horse rides lower than a lot of folks and keeps going only by the grace of God. He's a God who is clear about how forgiveness works -- asking for it without giving it doesn't work.

He's also clear about His ability to make beauty where sorrow stood. In forgiving, I became able to love again. To trust in His story for me again. To take steps toward healing and acceptance. Today, nearly six years later, I'm a (usually) happily married woman with a three-year-old son and a daughter to be born in October.

When I sat down to write my novel Coming Unglued, I knew that Kendra (my main character) was ripe for an emotional affair. She'd taken enough steps in satan's story of her life to be at that monumental moment. I checked with my husband before embarking on this novel's writing because I knew the emotions would affect our marriage. He prayed me through, handing me Kleenex as I cried while I typed and patting my back as I shook my head at Kendra and at the remembrance of my first marriage.

I get asked a lot how I could write a story from the "other woman's" point of view, given my history. I smile, knowing that I'm just as fallen as any "other" woman. On days when I yell at my son or take my husband's love for granted or fail in any number of ways, I'm grateful for a God who forgives and who surrounds me with people who forgive. In the face of such a gift, how can I not offer forgiveness in return

Lil, you know you don't have to forgive her. I don't expect forgiveness from the OM's wife. Why should she forgive me? I tore her life apart. My H will never forgive the OM and I wouldn't expect him to either.

The slippery slope. You go down that slippery slope with your eyes wide open. If you say you don't, you're lying. At the time I said "I couldn't help it". That's BS. It's choices all the way.

I think you missed the point Jen.

I also believe forgiveness is essential - FOR YOU.

You mean I should have the OM's wife's forgiveness? You can't possibly tell me you've forgiven the OM. If you have you're a very good man.

Lil is the kind of person who could forgive if anyone can.

Well that would be for the OM'sW to decide Jen. It is HER burden of unforgiveness to carry, not yours. And Rob's burden to carry regarding OM. But he and she would forgive for their sakes.

Have I forgiven OM? No but I sure am trying and I want to forgive him. He kinda makes it hard when he pops up though.

Yep, that would be hard to forgive. Rob has said he will never forgive the OM. I can understand that. It's really neither here nor there. It's what's happening with us that matters. And what's happening with us is all good.

I didnt mean this to upset anyone, I just thought that maybe there was someone who was struggling and might need some ecouragement.
I am a long long way from forgiving her. In my mind she is still the wh*re that took something that was offered when she should have said no. I would, at least I hope so. I am still working thru forgiving Flick too. Not only for the A but for NOT TELLING ME that he had that big a problem


This is the bit that really struck a chord with me. I know not everyone on MB is a Christian, nor do they have the same belief's as me, but this is one of the tenaments of my faith "there but by the grace of God"

I think I will forgive her one day, if only to stop taking a poison dose that she will never notice. She's not worth it.

I agree with you Lil. You'll find you will forgive flick a lot sooner than OW. It's a process.

Lil, you didn't upset anyone. Not me anyway. Of course you didn't.

You certainly didn't upset me either Lil.

I am overwhelmed with God's love and grace on me right now.

I rarely get angry with Him, but tonight as I was driving home from a support group, I went there. I asked why He was letting this go on. I thought about how for the 10 years of OW's "friendship" with my husband, I kept waiting for OW to go away. If she did, I thought, I would have my husband back and we'd live forever in peace. But she kept coming back in the picture, and she never, ever went away. Finally, as is typical, their affair was discovered. Since my WH lives with her now, and shows no sign of repenting, it appears that she will never, ever not be a feature of my life - we have a daughter together so I can't just move on. As I was praying out all my anger and pain, I was wondering why God doesn't destroy their relationship and get her out of my life. I wasn't even asking for my marriage back - I just wanted Him to send her packing.

Not helping my state of mind is the fact that she'll be hanging out with my daughter all day tomorrow, which is new, because WH normally takes her down to his parents' on Saturdays to play with her cousins. But, her divorce is final, ours should be in a few months, and now they're trying to blend her into their "family" with her two little girls. My daughter just called me a little while ago, and said that she just got back from a Halloween parade. She decided to tell me the costumes that her dad, OW's girls, and she were wearing. Then she added, "And (OW) was dressed up as an angel."

An angel.

This sent me over the edge once I got off the phone. An angel. You have got to be kidding me. I came here to vent. And what do I come across but this message, posted one minute before I came online. I felt an immediate sense of calm. Yes, after 10 years of attachment, accompanied by 10 years of disrespect for me, it is highly likely that OW isn't going anywhere. And I will have to learn to deal with her presence in my life, and her name coming off my daughter's lips. I need to understand that I can take this. It's bearable. And I will be destroyed, while she goes on her merry way with my family, if I can't forgive.

I stopped fighting for my marriage a while back. Nothing I did had any impact, no prayers seems to make a change. I've come to accept that maybe they are going unanswered for a reason, maybe because I need to see that I can be treated so much better than I was by WH. I simply don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with a man who loves me and honors me alone, for he was my first real boyfriend. He always had this need for female validation, so there was always some woman he was "helping" in the background of our life. When OW came around, the course was set, because her neediness is legendary, and her complaints about her husband continuous. The perfect foil for my needy WH. Like in the story, it took years for her to finally get her way, but what else does Satan have to do but help her along? I was pondering this on the way home, which makes reading it here a confirmation that God wanted me to see this post.

I was praying this morning with a friend, and she was really passionate about OW repenting and coming to know Christ. I used to pray that prayer thinking that it would result in her leaving the relationship. Tonight, I pray it hoping that it will result in her at least not contradicting God's Word in my daughter's presence.

I guess the bottom line is, I don't know what I don't know. OW could be out of the picture next week - off pursuing another man now that she has her "freedom." I can't see into the future. All I can do is live in the moment and be thankful, in a time of deep, painful anger, that I saw this thread and it reminded me about what really matters. You wondered if it would help someone. Consider that prayer answered.

I have always thought 'co-incidence' is merely God choosing to remain anonomous

Jen, BK.
thank you for your nice words, and I am pleased I didnt upset either of you.
for you two too

Well, I am a long way from forgiving and I'm not sure that I ever will. One of the differences between this woman and me is that she was only 22 and hadn't invested as much in that marriage as I have. Most of my adult life (20 years) has been spent with my WH and in a marriage that I considered myself incredibly lucky to have had. We also have 4 small children. Maybe I could forgive the OW if this had been between adults but she came to our house and played with our children and saw how close my WH was to them but that didn't stop her wanting to destroy their lives. I could possibly forgive for me but never for them.

Strangely, I think I can forgive my WH because although he betrayed me I can see that he put on a set of blinkers and refused to think beyond each day, refusing to see how this hurt me and what exactly he was doing (not that that excuses him at all) but she was much more calculating. She said that she fell in love with him and knew he was the man for her while I was still pregnant. She sent lots and lots of messages (referred to in her text) putting forward the option of leaving me and explaining how all the obstacles could be overcome with time.

Despite this I don't want to destroy her and I am trying hard to control my hate but forgiveness is a bridge too far. In any case I don't think that it's possible to forgive someone who is not repentant.

I read this article a few years ago and found the information very helpful. It is copywrited so I will post the link.

It isn't specific to infidelity, but you may find the information about forgiveness helpful. Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for yourself.

The 6th and 7th paragraphs have key information.

Empowering Caregivers

I hope it helps.

LC

Tully -

Very similar in this case with OW. It's in the playbook. She knows me, has been to my house, and saw how completely devoted WH was to dd. Like you, I thought I was lucky all these years, too. Of course, in my case, that is because I was ignoring certain patterns and behaviors he displayed since the beginning.

Do you think it's possible that it's easier for us to forgive our WH's because we've been in love with them over 20 years?

At any rate, forgiveness isn't for her: it's for me. She didn't ask me for it. From all indications, she's pleased with herself for manipulating, calculating and having her devious plotting come to fruition. Chances are, if I said, "I forgive you," she'd say, "What for?" She and WH feel that they are in the right. I kid you not. The woman dressed up as an angel.

My anger is valid. But if I can't figure out what to do with it, forgive, and move on, I'm the one who gets hurt. And my daughter, because during the times when I get stuck in a groove thinking about what has been done to us, I don't feel like playing or bike riding. I just want to brood in my room with the TV while she plays in hers.

I'm not saying that this is how anger and unforgiveness impacts you, and I hope you don't feel judged. Just wanted to let you know that I truly get it, and I hope that whatever path you take that you'll be completely OK some day. Being betrayed like this is one of the most difficult experiences anyone can have, and I don't want to invalidate your response. Just wanted to say that forgiveness is for you.

Right now, I will NEVER forgive OW, don't know if I ever will. She destroyed my family, disrespected me and my kids. She knew ExH was M'd, she could have walked away. Heck, she was M'd herself! But she still pursued him.

Yeah ExH was no better I know, but we're talking about forgiving the OW, NOPE!

I'll forgive OM when he's confined to a bed in a nursing home and being abused daily until he withers away in misery.

As all OW/OM, there was no question the OW in my sitch was not only participant and integral in the betrayal, but she also viciously harrassed me and was legally dealt with.

Praying for someone (OW/OM) who has wronged you in such a way can help you. It has me and others.

Pray for them.

Jo

OW in my case is a 20 year old (if she's even that old) Hanna Montana look-a-like that started sleeping with my ExH when her fiance left for Iraq. She and her finance lived with her parents at the time. She now lives with my ex. I have not once prayed for her. Can't bring myself to do it. I try to think as little about her as possible. Maybe God does want me to pray for her, but hopefully He understands that right now I just can't, or won't really.

Sometimes I wish He would've left the part in the Bible about loving our enemies out, but I'll just trust that He knows that it's best.

I have forgiven the OW. She was awful and very disrespectful to me. She flaunted the affair and told me that I was lucky that she didn't go down our street staying Na-Na, I have your husband.

But she paid the price of not being with her husband or her daughter. She is alone and on her own.

I blame my ex much more because HE is the one that took vows to love me forever.