Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 13 of 136 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 135 136
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Whew, long drive home and exhausted but I thought of you all as soon as I got here so I wanna update. It was a lovely day here in So. Cali. The weather was gorgeous, not to hot and not too cold and Disneyland wasn't too crowded.

So went with NO expectations. We all had a very nice day. HE shoveled out the cash for tickets, meals, snacks and candy. We made small talk over Politics and he asked how a few of his friends from church were doing. No major LB's I am hoping. Just played it relaxed and enjoyed the day.

I have to tell you guys. For the 1st time in 18 1/2 years he was different. Not that it was an interest in me. But he has always had anger and irritation issues. Every time we've gone somewhere like Disneyland, he's irritated, impatient or gets kinda pist with the crowds or if we can't decide where we wanna go next, gets wigged out that someone is staring at him or some stupid thing. It felt like the 1st time in 18 1/2 years that he actually cared and wanted to be with us and not put out or doing some time to please us. I just can't believe it.

I am kinda besides myself right now. The thing is I feel like, aside of this ridiculous A he is in right now, he was different, and I think it was real. I don't know that my H could have faked that for and entire day at Disneyland. To say the least I'm speechless. I know it sounds lame but you just don't know what it's been like. Now if he can kick the ho bag to the curb we'll be doing great! I think since one of the top needs is admiration, i was thinking about sending a thank you email tomorrow and also comment on the growth in this new area, what do you think?

Anyways I had planned on giving him a hug when we were going to leave but he had to hop in our car so we could drop him off at his car. When he got out of the car we all thanked him, kids hugged him and he reached over and grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it as I guess kinda an affection sorta??

So it went good, at least from my view, idk about his view.

We'll see him at the game on Saturday morning and over to the house on Sunday for sons actual b-day.

Oh yeah forgot to mention this, hope I remember it right. So we decided to let the kids hit the last ride and we'd wait for them. We got some drinks and chatted. We talked about our home. Since this mess we have got behind on payments as his pay went down due to a demotion a few months ago and his new expenses. He got his position back 2 weeks ago and things are getting a bit better. So this is what he says, " I don't want to lose the house and move you guys. I am trying, lets see if we can get some help. Let's say if none of this happened and we lost the house, I wouldn't make you move back to p-dale I would still rent a place for us out here." I say you mean for me and the kids? He says yeah I would do that too but if this never happened and we lost the house I would rent a place for all of us out here and not move back to p-dale. Interesting huh? If it never happened...I wish....That's the update for now, so gimme feedback if ya gotz any.....Night Ya'll


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 511
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 511
That sounds great. Well done to you.
Quote
i was thinking about sending a thank you email tomorrow and also comment on the growth in this new area, what do you think?

If it were me I'd play it cool and send an email talking about something else, maybe with a practical question or asking for his advice on something he knows a bit about (flatters his ego) and then add a PS saying something like 'you were a great dad on whateverday, the kids appreciated it.'


Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
I was hoping you'd have made an update. IMO it could not possibly have gone any better.

Remember, no expectations - even though Disney was perfect, the slut ho may be riding his case because she's jealous and feeling insecure (if she knows where he was) and he may take his bad feelings out on you. Waywards run hot and cold and it is NOT about you.

I do think things are going swimmingly.

I think I'd mention his newer, better attitude. I wouldn't gush, just say how great it was to see him appearing so relaxed or something like that. Maybe comment on how some folks don't handle even happy stress - like Disney - well but he was such a pleasure to be with. I dunno, find your own words and say something, but keep it low key.

I'm wondering... maybe now that he's had a taste of what else is out there, you think he's realizing that what he left behind was the best of all? Yeah, I know, I know... NO EXPECTATIONS!! :twobyfour:

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Sounds like a perfect day. Glad hubby was being a good companion. I think I would just let him know how much you and the kids enjoyed the family time.

As for your home, I hope you can get that worked out. Do you work outside of the home? If not, maybe you could get a job until the payments are caught up.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
The consensus is to not go the route of mentioning the changes. I guess he could attribute it to his new life and and extra baggage chick so I think you guys are probably right.

Will thank him for a wonderful and leave it at that.


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
So I just sent this email to H:
"I just wanted to thank you again for an absolutely great day at Disneyland. It truly was one of our best trips there. We all had so much fun and it was a relaxing time for the kids and I. We really enjoyed your company and having you with us, it was nice family time too. We'll see you at the game if you can swing it and if not on Sunday. I think we should be home around 1:30."

So last night he says text me when you get home so I know you made it, and I say well it's going to be late, he says I don't care. So I text him and say were home and thanks. H texts back ok, goodnight. That's the 2nd goodnight I've gotten in 2 days. Ok NO expectations. He could have said he was away on business and was able to say goodnight so I'm not going to expect more, doggone it!


I wonder how he was able to spend the day with us? I wonder if he told her the truth, lied or half truth? Doesn't matter but It sure makes my brain itch. LOL


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Hey you guys, H just send me a text page. Says, "I had a really good time at Disneyland."

I said me too. I enjoyed having you come. Hmmmm.


I EXPECT NOTHING, I EXPECT NOTHING, I EXPECT NOTHING....say it with me my hommies! Except maybe for him to run hot and cold, darn!

I am the thermostat and not the temperature! I am the lighthouse and not the ship at sea!


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
If/when you go to plan B, he's going to feel like a truck ran over him.

Serves him right.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Yes i sure hope it hits him like a truck. I so wish I was one of those people who's spouse has the light go one before the plan B.

So he just called me a few minutes ago and asked how DD17 is after her Dr. appointment for her tonsils. I say fine and we talked for and 1 hour and 15 minutes. Mind you, we haven't talked on the phone but 3 times is 5 1/2 months. We talked about all kinds of stuff. His job and how the company is doing. We started to talk about financial stuff. I tell him a few apologies for misunderstandings in finances and he says, I don't want you to apologize about that stuff its not your fault. He also says hey you know you can call me on my personal cell phone you know. I say oh well when you changed your number without telling me I figured you didn't want me to call it. He says well the kids call it and I say I know but I just didn't want to make it hard for you. He says your not.

Then he asks what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. I say well I have not gotten that far what are you going to do. He says I'm either spending it with you guys or alone. I say well why would you spend it alone instead of the one your with? He then says I go where I want when I want and I don't care what anyone says.(What the heck does that mean??) I say well I haven't gotten that far yet I don't know what we're doing. I say the ideal would be to spend it with you but this is not any easy situation for me. HE then says well why don't we go one Holiday at a time. I say that sounds good. I then say how about it I let you know that it's getting too much for me can I do that? He says yes you can tell me. (Did anyone hear my disclaimer for my October 31st Plan B letter??)
He then says, what are you guys doing tonight? I say nothing what about you? He says nothing gonna go to bed early so I can go to work tomorrow.

Funny he just texted me his personal cell #. I respond "Thanks! Wow I have the secret # to the bat phone, I'm kidding. Although you can model the bat costume if you want to." He says I don't have one. I say too bad you should go get one and he replies I will have to look into that. (Flirting is ok isn't it. I mean he is MY H, and we are still kinda married-oops oh sorry we are still FULLY married LOLOLOL)
Anyways I thought how odd he would spend an hour and fifteen minutes on the phone with me and then send me his personal cell #.

BUT I remember NO EXPECTATIONS and he's gonna run HOT and COLD.
Can I just say I miss my H. {{sigh}} One day at a time. Well just finished my 1st week you guys. 3 weeks left of Plan A....I'm working hard and praying hard.


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 90
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 90
I have been reading your thread and I am so happy for you. Its weird getting excited for someone you dont know because how well its going.

BTW keep saying that to yourself about no expectations. I truly believe thats where my plan A failed last year. If I wouldnt have had the expectations, I wouldnt have been so upset when I didnt get the return when I thought I should, and well it was down hill from there.

Good luck, seems like you are doing an awesome job.

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Well thanks. It sure isn't easy but I keep reminding myself.

Where oh where has lil doggie gone? J/K Just giving you a shout out hello!


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
Hi ya,

I am around, just havent had anything to add to the great advice you've been getting, thanks for missing me tho' Im flattered laugh

Also my dad is here from Australia. I feel kinda rude being on MB for long periods of time so I pop on and off.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Awe have fun with the family! Just wanted to say Hi!


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Great convo - I still remember the first time AJ chatted with me on the phone, after less than 2 months of ignoring me as much as he could. I kept wanting to hang up cuz I was so jumpy talking to him that long, but resisted the urge, fortunately.

This is going fabulously!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,016
Ok ya'll here's my Plan B rough draft letter ready for your critiquing. Please read over and let me know what could be changed. I tried to keep it short but it was hard. Does it need to be shorter?

Dear Hubby Pooh,

This is by far the hardest letter for me to write. I love you so very much and wish more than anything in the world for our marriage and family to be restored. I would love the chance to repair our relationship. We have been together since junior high and we have experienced so much together. When I think back it makes me laugh at all we've gone through together. So much laughter, terrible jokes, the most retarded movies, tickle fights, and mid-night moon walks in the kitchen, many hugs , kisses and of course tears and struggles at times.

I know that I have not been a perfect wife for you. I know I did things that put a wedge between us. I apologize to you for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped you make your affair with the Toad possible. It was my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs and I failed to do so. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and hurts me to know that.

I know that there is nothing so far gone that cannot be fixed if we both work at it. I know it can work a second time because we already did it once. Remember when we broke up in 8th grade and you said it would never work a second time. But look it did! We got back together in 10th grade been together ever since and built a marriage of 18 ½ years on a second time.

Over the last 5 months I have been doing a lot of soul searching and learning on how a marriage and wife should be. I am not perfect yet but I've learned a lot and continue to do so. I know that the painful situation we are in now is just a symptom of the problems that existed in our marriage. I want our marriage to be a source of happiness and a place of safety and refuge for the both of us and for our children. I have grown as a person and have made many changes over these many months. I am sure if we both work together that we can overcome our problems and we can finally have the marriage we both truly want and need.

After almost no contact for over 5 months these last 4 weeks have meant so much to me to be in contact with you and to hear your voice and see you again -especially our trip to Disneyland. I've have tried to stay connected and be close to you even under this extremely painful circumstance. But now, being seeing you these last 4 weeks it has become so excruciating for me.

I love you so much but that love I have for you is being damaged by the pain of knowing you are with someone else. I am not doing this to hurt you but I want to protect my love for you. It has become to painful for me to see you and talk with you while you continue your relationship with the Toad.

I am separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain until you are ready to commit to rebuilding our family, free from your entanglements with another woman. I still love you so much and I am not rejecting you. I am still willing and want to be your wife, but only when you can be exclusively my husband. It is unbearable knowing I have to share you with someone else. If I keep going like this, there will be nothing left in my heart for us. If I keep going like this it will kill my all my love for you so I want to protect that.

Until you decide to recommit to our marriage and family, please do not communicate directly with me. You may see and talk to the children as much as you like but no contact during pick up and drop off times please. I will try to work with you as much as I can for visitation. I will assume that you are just going to continue the finances as we have been. I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way, but please remember at ANY moment that I would much rather rebuild our marriage. Any communications about the kids and finances can be handled by Mutual friend. He will relay all information to me. Please do not call me, text me or email me until you are ready to reconcile.

I want you in my life more than anything. I long to be with you and for you to hold me again and say hey little lady. I want you all to myself and I know you know the suffering I have endured because of this sharing.

The door is open and the path back to your family is simple: separate and end all contact with the Toad for the rest of our lives, (I will help you write the letter to her and send it), and then we can talk about what it will take to secure the future for our family, one in which we will never need to separate like this again. I want to be your best friend and be the one who is there when you need me and I want you as my best friend. I loved you when I married you and love you right now. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are with the Toad.

I love you with all that I am, Your wife,
Trying2live







Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Hey T2L,

Gee, you're up late...at least in my time zone!! I'm doing homework, what's your excuse? wink LOL!

These two things in your PBL stood out to me:

Quote
Until you decide to recommit to our marriage and family, please do not communicate directly with me.


Quote
Please do not call me, text me or email me until you are ready to reconcile.


This is....hmmmm....how do I put it? This seems too strong...it's my understanding that ultimatum-type wording is a no-no for a PBL because it comes across as punishment.

Granted, PBL's are viewed that way from WS's anyway, even when you avoid this type of wording. But I wouldn't leave it in there.

I might be wrong but this is what was conveyed to me when I had to draft mine. In fact, a very nice vet here did a LOT of editing for me.

Yeah, and WS-Gray still viewed it as a punishment for him, LOL! I found out when we went back to court the second time and had to testify about it on cross. rotflmao

Have a great night!

Charlotte

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
I dunno Charlotte. I had Marshmellow helping me and I also had something about don't contact until your ready to end the A.

To put it bluntly, he got a choice or NC with her or NC with me.

The PBL in SAA also mentions that Jon will avoid seeing or talking to Sue. Everything had to go thru the friends.

Lil


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 511
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 511
Quote
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and learning on how a marriage and wife should be

I thought it was a great letter but I wonder about this sentence. He may interpret this as meaning that you want him to be the 'husband he should be' and he may think he can't be that. In reality what you want is for both of you to be yourselves but to be the best selves and spouses that you can be. Personally I'd rethink the phrasing of that but I'm not sure to what.


Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Hi T2L,

I read your plan B letter. It is good, IF your H was NOT a WS.

Since he is, he may not be able to digest all your info.

I suggest you shorten the letter a lot. Hit on the points straight forward and in a condensed method. I know you want to cover all your points but a WS has a 'little brain'. They don't comprehend much and their attention span is limited. Sad but true.

Identify your personal and marital boundaries. Enforce them. Expect him to buck your decision.

Ws' are all about control. Remove yourself from his realm of control and you will be able to take your life back. Not completely but enough to give you the strength you need to move forward.

There are tools you can use to help keep you focused. Create your personal support group, put them on alert. When a BS is in plan B, the BS benefits greatly from their support group.

Since you have a family, know that communication on some level may be necessary. Determine who in your support group can be your intermediary if needed. In my case, my H refused to use an intermediary, so I resorted to e-mails on only 3 subjects: Mail, $$ and child visitation. For me e-mails helped me NOT hear his anger or babble as much. It also left a record I could use as proof if I needed.

I realized that I can not control the WS but one of MY personal boundaries was NOT to have the OP in my life and then NOT to have a WS in my life. That's a big boundary. Implementation of plan B helped in this regard.

I also used tools like reverse babble when the WS talked stupid, reverse babble helped me give him back his guilt. It takes some practice but eventually you learn how to handle stupid WS tactics without getting hurt.

Hope this helps. I don't post much on MB for a variety of safety reasons but your thread caught my attention.

Take care,
Orchid

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Quote
Please do not call me, text me or email me until you are ready to reconcile.

Initial surrender at the end of Plan B should be handled through the intermediary. You don't have direct contact until you can see that he is serious.

Quote
I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are with the Toad.

Delete this as your last sentence. Evil amphibians are not to be his final thoughts in this. Blech!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Page 13 of 136 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 135 136

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,121 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5