100% right on.


I've thought this several times since they left & think there is definitely something to the idea. DSS told me today that he only started football "because I thought it would make him happy. It's not really my thing. Now with my grades he's really not happy & he thinks I should just quit football" I explained that he needed to tell his dad how he feels - that BOTH kids need to start doing that, but I understand how hard that is for him to do. I still tried to encourage it.

This is one of my remaining dilemas. Do I share this kind of thing with Drac or not? Here are my reasons for not - 1. Drac would confront DSS about it, thus damaging DSS's confidence in sharing with me. 2. If confronted, DSS may not tell him the truth 3. Would it matter or merely be Bugs interfering again?


Drac called this a.m. while we were on the way to DSS's game. I let Ladybug answer. He needed directions to the game. He used the 'opening' to bring up DSS's grades. I got to hear about how he goes over with him every night every class and what homework he has. "The problem is that DSS is not turning in the work."



Do you really think he is wanting me to do something? After the 'mind your own business' communications from not so long ago? And you are right,,,,my remaining a part of DSS's life is going to tear me up (at least time to time), but I view it as just part of being a Mom.

Our 'communication' this week has been strictly email/text. Until this morning, when he calls as we are on the way to DSS's game. I let Ladybug answer,,,,,,,,he needed directions to the game! UGH!

He asked if I'd talked to DSS about his grades. I said yes. He went on to tell me the discussion he'd had with DSS. How it's come time that DSS needs to realize he can't make it all up at the last minute & that he has to start taking responsibility on his own for getting the work turned in. And he's right - but there's more to it than just DSS doing his part. This does not releave him of his responsibility to be sure DSS's work is getting done on a regular basis.

He wanted to know what kind of talk I'd had with DSS. I said was very similiar, but I also included the fact that (as Drac even said), we have worked on this every year with him since kindergarten, and tried every different kind of organizational ideas we can think of,,,,,,,,,,,but DSS has to start USING one of them. Only HE can DO this, but I'm here to help. I told DSS 'the height of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting to get a different result".

I told Drac that I don't have a magic answer. I just let Drac talk. He told me what his 'punishment' is going to be & why he picked it. I merely said, "ok". I did make the point to say, "You deal with him every day,,,,I only get every other weekend" (As I am sure you recall, this was one of the stabs Drac made at me last time I tried to help with DSS. I probably should not have said that, but couldn't help myself.)

I really didn't actively participate in the conversation unless Drac asked me a question, which I answered briefly and to the point. We ended the call as we had arrived at the game.

He called again a few minutes later,,,,needed clarification on the directions, and asked me to "save him a seat". I didn't reply to that. He came & sat with us. Ladybug and her friend between us, which was perfect. They went to go play & it was just us.

He brought up wanting DSS to go to the Homecoming dance tonight & wanted to know if DSS said anything. I replied, "he doesn't want to go".

He brought up the Homecoming parade & started telling me about it. I replied, "Yes, I know, I was there.". He looked startled and said, "oh so you made it". "yes"

He brought up Ladybugs picture day - did she tell me about it? How crabby she was,,,,but she would only tell him she was tired. He said he knew she didn't like the pants he made her wear,,,"could she have been that unhappy just about the pants?" My answer, "yes"

Did the kids tell me about how Halloween works in their neighborhood? My reply, "no". He went on to tell me all about it,,,,and ask about my neighborhood. My reply, "I don't know yet. I'll find out"

He said he's getting the puppy they've been talking about. That the owners are taking it for it's shots and then he can pick it up,,,,would it be ok to call Ladybug about it? I said ok. He says "well, I didn't know what plans you all might have & I don't want to interrupt anything" WHAT?

I simply replied that he can call his daughter any time he likes (that is nothing new). He looked/acted surprised.

I wasn't snippy or hateful, just doing my Joe Friday imitation the entire time. I was also responding to text messages from V during the game, too.

So, it was a horrible game. They were totally outmatched by a Great team. They lost 55-14. Drac was saying his goodbyes to Ladybugs, and made sure to mention where he is going tonight & why. (his BF's wife's birthday party). He left before DSS even came over by the fence, which did surprise me. I figured he'd stay to say hello but he didn't.

Frankly, to my surprise, none of this really bothered me. I'm able to look at him and the biggest thought I have is "What an alien".

So, the kids and I took DSS back to drop his gear at school. Did a quick trip to the store. Home for some lunch. Going to work outside this afternoon.

DSS & I are getting along great. He just needs/wants/deserves some one on one attention. I think sometimes he gets more of that from Drac that he used to,,,,but still not nearly enough.

Not much I can do about any of that. I can only control what happens when he's here. It's HARD & FRUSTRATING, but it is what it is. I just keep praying for the best for him when I'm not there.

LG, , I don't know how I'd feel about DSS forming an attachment to another woman. I tend to believe that you are right,,,it's past time for that to be able to happen. It would hurt me, but if it would help DSS is some way, I'd try to look past myself in that sitch. I doubt there's any really qualified candidates in the string of match.com dates, so I'm won't be wasting many brain cells thinking more about it.

Hope you are having a good weekend!

Hi Bugs,

I am sure whatever attention you give DSS and concern you show for him does and will make a difference in his life...


Bugs...Drac could be interpreting this as you being open to 'friendly co-parenting'....are you considering it?

Why do you think you shouldn't have said this? It's THE TRUTH. This was bugging me from the beginning as I read this. THE TRUTH is that YOUR INFLUENCE is LIMITED by THE DIVORCE which was the RESULT of DRAC'S AFFAIR. DENIAL of THIS TRUTH seems to continue to occur. It is part of the rewrite of history that Drac SEEMS to want you to buy into....


GREAT!!!


GREAT AGAIN!! BUT...oh oh...LOVE BANK starting to run on empty...'cause of continued CONTACT with this ALIEN BEING...


EXACTLY..as I said before about THE TRUTH...



LOL..You are SOOOO still one of MY GIRLS...YOU'RE BACK up on the horse...

Luv ya!!

Bugs,


What I wanted to say, Bugs...MIMI is saying it better!

...because if you are open to 'friendly co-parenting', I am thinking, the LOVEBANK must be getting really LOW given your contact with ALIEN! :RollieEyes:

Bugs,

Yeah, I see it too. When I look at your sitch, I really see the logic of Plan B. I can see him starting to wear on you.

You are doing great!

Bugs:

Hit the spot on DSS, Huh?

How about this next time:

Drac: Hey, thanks for the directions! I'll be in the stadium in five minutes, save me a seat!

Bugsy: Why?

Drac: ????!!!!!?????

Bugsy: Silence........

Drac: What do you mean?

Bugsy: Drac, it's a big stadium, choose wisely.

Plan Bugs seems to be.....

Working? Don't notice that he hasn't called Ladybugs... Seeing him doesn't draw the same reaction....etc...

Not Working... Drac calls and wants to chat? DSS, Ladybugs, his weekend plans, ease my pain....etc.

Open or close? Plan Beige or Plan Darkness?

Was he successful on match.com last night? Then he can get Plan darkness, but if not, he looking for more BUGSY! ANd he gets it.

You by far have traveled one of the toughest roads here.

Somehow, someway, you think that Drac may return to normal, and you may restore your marriage. And of many of the killer B's, I think you have the best shot.

BUT YOU NEED TO PUT THIS ON HIM.

As I stated in my letter. He throws you these things as a lifeline and sometimes they are picked up, sometimes they are ignored and other times jerked a few times. And yes, his matchdotcom activities control how he acts with you too. Sometimes you get DRAC and sometimes K.

Therefore my letter I proposed earlier. You can either PUT IT ON HIM, clearly, and then when you say the things that Mimi highlights as wonderful, or that I propose in this post, HE KNOWS what he has to do. Enforce your boundaries, Bugs.

If ONE DAY he looked you in the eye now that he has de-fogged somewhat, and simply stated that there is NO WAY you two could ever remarry, then you could really get off the merry-go-round.

And yes, you will slide into a friendly co-parenting role. Accept that. Because conflict is bad for you your physical well-being as well. And there are somethings that just evolve. As the kids get older, the need to communicate directly with Drac diminishs greatly. But you don't have to be his buddy. You don't have to sit next to him at school activities.

He WANTS you to. It's MORE NORMAL. But you DON'T HAVE TO.

Your roller-coaster. I'm sorry you got stuck with that ticket. I want to help you minimize the hills. ANd I think that Drac is close to stepping into the car with you. I really do. But he's still just one pretty eye-lashed woman away from getting in. That hasn't changed. HE is not focused on the goal of BUGS yet. Yes, he's focused on WINNING, and I think that he will persue you till he WINS, but he always willing to lay down arms in this campaign and persue other theatres of activity if they present themselves.

LG

This is where you and I disagree, LG. He is such a RENTER. I see him as wanting Bugs to have a POSITION in his HAREM...in the FRIENDLY COPARENT POSITION. He has KEPT her in THAT POSITION and wants her in THAT POSITION, pursuing his other options on match.com. He has had EVERY OPPORTUNITY to make a PLAY for BUGS while KNOWING that she would probably take him up on a ROMANTIC PLAY. He does not seem to be a ONE WOMAN sort of guy, IMO. He can CHANGE for sure but what is his MOTIVATION? He does not want to change. He is not SUFFERING ANY PAIN.

I used to see him as being like my husband and WANTED to see him that way. Bugsy is a lot like me in being a MICROMANAGER for Drac...Directions to the game, scheduling, etc.... and, yes, my husband loves me for THAT, too...BUT, my H also came back because he was IN LOVE with ME. He wanted me as his LIFE PARTNER in ALL ASPECTS..not in ONE ROLE in which I do a GREAT JOB for him. Even to this day, I HATE IT when I FEEL LIKE he is PRIMARILY "USING" me for that. I FEEL LIKE HE IS "USING" me for that NOW when he is NOT...but that's leftover stuff and my issue...

IMO, Drac CONTINUES to try to PLAY BUGSY..get his CAKE and EAT IT TOO..and the more he does this and she complies, the more that she is upfront experiencing that he is doing this and she complies (which is DECREASING), THE MORE her LOVEBANK empties and THE MORE she ENABLES Drac's way of BEING....

In your mind, LG, if you care to answer, what has kept DRAC from flat out asking Bugsy for some? Of course, she would say NO but him being the MATCH.COM PLAYER that he is, he could have approached BUGSY by now. This is where he is different than my H. After breaking up with the OW, he would have HIT ON ME right away..well, he was trying to do it at the same time he was with her..and would have done that FOREVER... which is why I went into PLAN B in the first place...

I think BUGSY knows this and is FEELING and SENSING Drac's REJECTION of her as HIS WOMAN....

He keeps trying to PUT HER IN HER PLACE...COPARENT...

How HURTFUL and REJECTING to GODDESS BUGSY in all her FABULOCITY...

I guarantee you she is sitting there in FULL GODDESS MODE...and he JUST talks to her about PARENTING...YUCK...

LG,

You are right in that this needs to sit firmly in Drac's court. Yes, he may look me right in the eye & say it's done forever. In fact, I am certain that is where it will go. Thus, my own reluctance to bring this to that point???????

About this, though -


I understand that part about his focus being on other opportunities, but I'm not seeing/understanding what you mean about his pursuit of me? What is it that he is trying to WIN? My compliance with being the friendly co-parent?




I think I can venture some fairly accurate ideas on this. It is most likely because 1. Drac knows that should he do that, I have expectations that he is not willing/capable of living up to. 2. By doing so, he would be admitting that perhaps he was wrong in all of his actions over the last year and a half - that I am not nearly the horrible witch in our marriage that he made me out to be. 3. He is done with me, period, end of story.

Mimi, unlike your husband, Drac does not want me as a life partner. He doesn't (and maybe never did) love me the way your H loves you. He doesn't value the total package.


I think I have a new favorite word - Fabulocity!

Yes, it is hurtful. Yet, I know that despite his efforts, he does 'see' that about me, still. Of course he continues to deny it, but there's no way he really doesn't SEE me. He continues to throw up his barriers & justifications to discount what he can't help but see.

Yes, the love bank continues to drain. I think that I'm willing to let that happen for a couple of reasons - 1. It will help me to have it drained, for if it is empty then perhaps my heart will then be more open to the next opportunity. For as long as there is a balance on that account, it seems I am unable to really open myself fully to other possibilities 2. It is 'easier' than my facing Drac saying flat out (again) that he is done with me. It's the "Not Facing Conflict" part of me again coming out.

As you all know, I've been seeing V for only 6 weeks or so, but I have learned a lot about him in a short time. He's extremely open & honest. We have talked so much that it seems that I've known him much longer.

Here's the thing - every word & action I see from him has been 100% in total agreement with my thoughts/feelings/ideals/values when it comes to relationships, children, life, God, work, marriage. He has given a great deal of thought, effort & reflection to the mistakes of his past and has taken steps to make changes for the future. He treats me like the Goddess that I am, with complete respect, affection, and even admiration. From all early indications, he has what appears to be all of the qualities any of us here would put on our list of qualifications when starting a new relationship.

I have made every effort to be up front & honest with him and myself about where I stand. I am extremely hesitant and cautious. A great deal of that is understandable merely because of what I've been through with Drac.

Some of it, however, is because of the remaining 'hope' & desire for restoration with Drac.

When I think that. When I write it down. When I acknowledge that, I just want to slap myself and say, "Snap out of it Bugs!"
What the heck? You are holding back with this GREAT guy because of DRAC? What's DRAC done that deserves your continued hope? Nothing.

Yet, I continue to allow myself to remain on the rollercoaster ride. I have the absolute power to bring the ride to a grinding stop at any moment and simply step off. Instead, I keep on riding.

Hmmmmmmm,,,,,,,,,,

I think I will ponder on that some more before making futher comment.

Yesterday was low key here at home. Church in the morning. Kids playing outside all day. Bugs doing some things around the house, but also just lounging about in between.

One thing that happened that bothered me. The kids were outside. DSS was having a disagreement with the neighbor's friend - an unpleasant little girl who doesn't get along with DSS at all. (I think she likes him & just presses his buttons intentionally).

Anyway, she had him angry/upset. I walked outside in my back yard just in time to hear her say, "I'm going to tell your Mom!"
DSS replied loudly, "She's NOT my MOM!" I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I know it was not meant the way that it felt, but it was so hurtful.

So, later in the day I did talk to DSS about it. It was obvious that he had no idea that I'd overheard it & he was embarassed by it. I simply told him that I'd heard it and that it had really hurt me. No, I'm not his 'real' mom, but I have always considered myself to be and that he has always been/always will be my son, so to hear him say that really hurt me. He apologized and I accepted. He came to me later about it to apologize again. I know he didn't mean it, and I told him so, but that he needs to understand that words can hurt,,,,very badly.

I dropped of DSS last night at Drac's. He was nervous about facing Drac - he was told that Drac would 'deal with him' on the grades when he got home. I assured him it would be fine, but he has to face the music. I told him we'd talk today.

Ladybugs ran in the house, as Drac had told her he was picking up their new puppy yesterday. She could not wait to see him. I settled in the car to wait, as I expected her to be a while inside. She was back outside in less than a minute, carrying the puppy for me to see. I got out and held it for a few minutes. DSS came out, too. We played with the puppy for a few minutes and then I gave him back to Ladybugs. She took him back inside & I got back in the car. DSS came over to lean in and give me a second hug goodbye! Not his 'usual'. Drac never appeared. Ladybugs was back out pretty quickly. I thought she would want to stay and play with the puppy. After we left I commented that she didn't stay long - she replied that she didn't want me to have to wait,,,while it was sweet of her to say/think that, it does make me wonder what went on inside because getting her away from any kind of baby animal is usually like pulling teeth. I believe it was her idea not to stay long, because if it wasn't she would have been pouting instead of being herself as she was.

I really thought Drac would make an appearance with them bringing out the puppy. I am trying not to give it much thought, but I will admit to wondering about it a little.

So, another week begins. I think a nice long shower is in order to make a good start. Ladybugs is off school today for Columbus day, so I'm letting her sleep in. I love the mornings where we don't have to rush!

Hope you all have a great week
!

Bugs:

This line:


Sums it all up.

Since he never felt 100% committed to you, the rest will never be possible.

Flamingo will tell you that I never got there until MB and Dday.

I changed. I walked across that line to total commitment to Flamingo.

Drac NEVER did for you. I thought that maybe he could. But with that line above, something that you have never put as plainly yet, puts it ALL in perspective.

Time for that coaster to come to a screeching halt. There's reasons to ride that coaster, but if your always going to return to the same station, then its time to get off.

Drac wants to WIN, because then you will be just another conquest to him. "Look how bad I screwed her over and she still wants it!" PUKE. He won't ASK for it, but he will certainly take it if offered.

I thought it was just not wanting to admit all the mistakes that he made. But it's deeper than that now. That chasm is way too wide to cross. And the other side was never prepared for your landing anyway.

You have done everthing. Walked the hardest road, as I said. But when you stated those simple facts above? Changes everything. Drac moved from a guy (for me) who has some issues to just a slug. I thought he was capable of fixing himself. I'm not so sure. Because I didn't realize how broken he was.

Sorry, Bugs. I may have been offering advice from a broken perspective. I think the glass is clearer now.

LG

LG,


I don't think you were advising me incorrectly at all. It was with hope of someone who had been there and crossed the line to commitment. Someone who saw the 'dark side' and did what it took to come to the light & who understands the incredible rewards that come with that choice.


I thought he could too.


Yes, I thought this, too.

But if that were the case, I think I'd be seeing something different from him.

I think perhaps he sees how broken he is - that he realizes that he must fix himself first & he is unwilling to do this. I have a feeling he's been looking in the mirror off and on for a few months now. Yet every time he glimpses the truth, he runs off to the next party, the next date, the next whatever instead of facing the truth or doing anything to change.

I think he was as committed to me as he ever has been to anyone in his life. I believe he loved me to the best of his ability for a portion of our marriage. Yet it wasn't enough. When things weren't perfect, when struggles came, I think he believes he really 'tried'. When his attempts at trying didn't succeed to his satisfaction, he checked out. When he checked out, it was for good.

He failed to look to see if his attempts had anything to do with what *I* needed, , they were focused strictly on getting what he wanted/needed. I'm not being judgemental here, as I can't say that my attempts were not the same for a long time, but they did change at Dday & even more since finding MB. He never could see beyond what he'd 'already tried' and he never believed things could be any different.


What I said about Drac not wanting me as a life partner is because he can not see things as being any different than the worst parts of our marriage. I think if he could bring himself around to believe in what we all know is possible with MB, that it could be about the Best parts of our previous marriage being even BETTER than before, he would no doubt LOVE what our lives would be like.

As you said, I've done all I can to make that possible. Time to step off the rollercoaster. I suppose I just keep thinking that one more round might be the round where he asks to get in.

Email from Drac at 7:50 a.m. An article about the current financial crisis - noted at the beginning with a comment about the politics involved.

WTF?

Meet my needs for support when it comes to DSS - but only when I want you to,,,,

Meet my needs to talk & share funny storie about Ladybugs - but only when I don't have anything better to do,,,,,

Meet my needs to get directions to the football game - because I was too busy with my date last night to look them up for myself,,,,

Pretend I didn't abandon you & the kids,,,, ;)& treat me like you did when we were 'great friends' because that's so much better for all of us,,,,,


Meet my needs for intellectual conversation - because the Mensa candidates I'm dating from match.com can't hold up their end of this kind of conversation,,,,,


Don't get me wrong ya'll. I am sitting here laughing :RollieEyes:

Hi Bugs

I read a lot of post here but and have replied to you before,
so I hope that I do not offend you or any one here when I say this and it's only my opinion.


I do not think Drac is a renter I think you can call him a Kato Kaelin a sponge who is willing to soak up all the good things or the spillage of good things you do for his son.
It's almost like you are the footballer and he is the cheerleader on the side lines cheering you on when your ss grades are falling he goes to you yelping out an SOS knowing that you will save the day and I know in your heart you will always be there for him, and drac knows this too and uses it to his advantage.

I do not think he will ever get it or what he has done because when you parallel his actions with his son to his actions of what he did with your marriage to him it becomes clear that he is what he is, he reminds me of driver you get stuck in back of that does everything in his car but pay attention to his driving.

I'm just happy that your ss has you in life, and hopefully he will see and learn how rare it is for a step parent who wants to stay in their life and love them.

I can completely relate to this. I experienced the same thing, although my exH wasn't nearly as chummy as yours. But I kept sticking out my neck, just a tad, to have him quickly chop it off. It was a very long painful process.

I still try to be pleasant and nonconfrontational. I do believe I want him to reconsider me one day, but I am come to believe that he has little to offer me as a mate. Maybe I feel I need to leave a crack open for my kids sake. I would hate to have a chance to restore their family and not be open to the idea at all.

But for a long time, I completely accomdated my exH whims. When he demanded NC, I never called. When he started being a tad more open, I was just as open. When he decides to start being rude again, I don't complain, just go with the flow.

It is very tiring trying to figure out a pattern for his moods. I keep trying to find the predictable situation, but his attitude towards me has absolutely nothing to do with anything I have control over.

I wish I didn't have to put myself through this, but I needed my love bank to drain, drain, drain. I would not get close to anyone because I knew I still had love for my exH. I tolerated this ridiculous nonrelationship thing with exH so I could get done, done, done.

My bank is probably at a 7.5%, but it's funny, I never look him in the eyes. If I did, my balance would jump up another 10% or so. I am pretty sure by the end of this holiday season, I will be sitting at less than 4-5%, I can live with that. (I am projecting he will pull some real jerky stuff come Christmas).

Like you Bugs, there has been a slow awareness that my ex probably never loved me as you would expect a husband to love a wife. In my case, I was a logical choice, a decent wife (for quite a while) and a good partner. But now I am the embodiment of his guilt and he will never admit to a mistake, so there is no future for us.

For me, protecting my love was not the objective, I needed him to stomp all over and destroy that love. I needed to keep being hurt so I could let go of any hope.

I totally relate to this, too. You stated this perfectly, Jean.

I had to offer myself up for abuse in order to reach the threshold where I could say "enough is enough." I could not find a way to let go without it.

Fox

Don't you hope that he ends up with a step parent who does just that? And Ladybugs as well?

I take issue with this because I am a "step." And I made it clear to the kids that I love them and I am going to stay in their lives and not "divorce" them and I hoped that they would stay in mine.

Just sayin'.

And I hope Bugsy's children end up with a wonderful step parent. They are out there. My stepmom is cuckoo, but she is a good "step" and we get along great.

Charlotte

Bugs,

Sorry to say that I see what the others see too. Since DS is your step son, I assume that Drac was M before? If so, I think in his mind he doesn't have to work too hard at M. If it gets tough, just move on to something else until you find one that you like. The only problem with that is, the more you move on to something else, the worse things get.

Not sure how Drac was when he was M to you, but from what I gather he was never really that committed. He hasn't gotten to the point in life where he realizes that a stable family life, loving life partner, and wonderful children are what it's all about. Sad.

Take care of you Bugs, and don't settle for less than you want out of life.

Don't you hope that he ends up with a step parent who does just that? And Ladybugs as well?


But it's not up to the kids it's up to who the parent chooses to exposed their kids to.

Plus factor in the the way most marriages that end in infidelity and remarriage of the ws, those stepkids rarely gets a voice in seeing their former step-parent due to the ow/om who is now considered the new "step".


Or the ws who is the bio-parent are not under any legal law to keep the step parent in the child's life.

I've been here since 99 even though I only registered recently and I've seen quite a few step parents that were heartbroken when the divorce went though and the bio parent banished them from the kids lives.

DS is a "step?" I never would have guessed it! Good, counting yet another "step" parent who rocks! Yay!!

Not so rare, says I.

Charlotte

Yeah Bugsy,

It sure seems like you're just about done with Drac. His GAME is getting comical to you, which means it won't be long before all you feel for him is PITY.

All the while V is making his little love deposits and waiting patiently.

Since I'm in a similar situation as V, I can't help but root for the guy, especially since I think he has a much better chance than I do.

I need a good guy to get a (V)ictory. A lot of us do.

Just keep taking it slow and keep being honest.

Very seriously speaking though. I think if you do decide to give V a chance, DRAC should not be his competition.

Beau Beau