James,


You have gotten good advice. Stick to the FACTS. Ask the Question and keep it at that.

No, she is not making good decisions, but pointing out that fact to her won't effect any change in a good direction. I understand the feeling you have to want to do it. As Luna said, type it here so you get it out and then send a factual email to the WW.

You can be darker, even as you wait for her response. It's your choice. It doesn't seem to me that she is responding in a more positive or negative way based on how much interaction you have or do not have,,,,,,,,,,,unless I've missed something (which is possible).

Hang in there!

BTW - I loved the story about DS. "My Dad Rocks!" Priceless! It brought tears to MY eyes!

Mission accomplished on that.. I sent a very brief, factual email this morning. I did include a copy of the email she sent dated Aug 13 that said she'd be getting back to me on the last week of extended time. Making the point without really saying it.. requested a prompt response and got out of there without any DJ's... thanks to all who are keeping me in line on that.. plan FU is often just a few keystrokes away.



I think I realized this last night.. the exchange was wordless between her and I.. I took care of my stuff and loved on DS, and went right back in the house with nary a look in her direction.. it's about as dark as I can afford to get with the custody thing on the line.

I think it's easy for me to misinterpret the fact that I don't have to deal with the constant venom when I limit contact with her.. into feeling like it's more 'positive'.. and the conversation about her possibly moving into WB's daddy's house was actually somewhat pleasant despite the subject matter... so who knows.. and it wasn't until I went dark that she decided she needed to poke at me about things on the phone.. calling me about this or that like how DS got his foot dirty.. Like that was an emergency that she just couldn't survive without knowing what he stepped in..

She needs to know the 'thread' is still there I think.. otherwise, why bother trying to ruffle my feathers.. especially when lately it's just water off my back.




I have it on video tape... but even if I didn't, I can tell you I've been replaying that moment over and over since Saturday night.

It's one thing as a parent to be amazingly proud of your kids.. that's a true treasure.

But it's rare.. and special.. and priceless when your kids take the time and effort to show how proud they are of you..

I'll never forget it.

Today.. on inside the minds of waywards..

The email exchange:

Me.. this morning:



Her response


I've my own opinions here.. but I'll let the peanut gallery have this until morning.

My suggestion would be to keep asking for Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm assuming you've already talked to your lawyer about how to gain these days in the interim?

If he has no options, I'd keep asking her. Every week if you have to. Put it in your records. You wanted time with your boy, your boy wanted time with you, and her forgetful waywardness denied it.

It's interesting, I see her comment: "In response to your email I think I would rather wait until things are final."

And it ticks me off.

Who the heck does she think she is, laying down the ground rules and saying when you and your DS can see each other? Who elected her as the boss?

On the other hand, that's EXACTLY what I did to WxH.

Feels like a double standard, but WxH is wayward, YOU are not.

Refresh my memory....is there a reason you don't just pick DS up on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Why ask her permission?

Maybe I'm forgetting something......

I remember how upset I would get when WxH would just keep DDs. But I knew there was not a darn thing I could do about it.

If there is nothing signed - no agreements to tie you, why not?

Fox

No surprises there.

James, politely remind her that there will come a time when she needs YOU to be flexible with scheduling. Let her know that you are filing all of this stuff and will certainly remember it when the time comes.

There is no way to get these days in the interim without her approval.. in the Temporary orders we've been operating under since November, the judge gave her legal and physical, with me to have (at minimum) the visitation outlined in the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines.

Now she sent a letter to my lawyer, which was forwarded to me in the September batch of things that was a response to my one time offer of I get 2 weekdays and alternating weekends, all nights are overnights.. or her alternative was to see us in court with me seeking full custody.

In her response she said she'd be willing to do Tuesdays and Thursdays but no additional overnights.

So my push on Sunday was to get that started in the interim since the temporary orders also state (and any other time that the parties might agree)..

This is nothing new.. and not entirely unexpected. She's denied every request I've made for additional time. The only additional time I've had at all is one day in the past year when I happened to be off work and she wasn't, and DS was sick.

What purpose would this serve? Sounds like more bait for the snake feeding.

it would remind her that cooperation is a 2 way street.

do it verbally, not in writing.

I'm personally of the opinion that she'll find this out the hard way.

Honestly it's the big long explanation of why she didn't get back to me on the extended time that has me bothered.

I can't say I'm suprised TBH.. but it just irks me, and it's so typical that she not only insinuates that I made the whole thing up.. the Sorry 'if' it got overlooked but she'll check to make sure.. and then going on to explain oh poor pitiful me my life is busy at HOME and at work.. and of course it's my fault because I somehow expected her to get back to me like she said she would, and didn't bring it up again.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Thanks, James. Sometimes my memory fails me.

I THOUGHT there was an agreement, but couldn't remember for sure.

I'd still keep asking here and there, IMHO. Otherwise, it may appear voluntary to the judge.

Take care, James.

I'd like to wallop her. :twobyfour:

Fox

I'm not sure what you mean by appearing voluntary..

I documented the whole thing in my log.. and be sure it'll be mentioned in court.

I just meant that it wasn't pursued. You asked, she said no and you let it drop, so maybe it wasn't that important. KWIM?

I know you don't think that way. However, things have a way of getting skimmed over in court and things that are important don't necessarily get relayed to the judge at the same level of importance.

I'll trust you have it all documented and have a plan for it's use.

I'm hoping your wayward is as incompetant as mine is.


Fox

James,


I think the point is that if you simply go with the 'status quo' it gives the impression that you are satisifed with it, thus making it more likely to be set that way forever when the time comes.

If you ask, and keep asking, and keep asking, then you make the case that you not only said that you wanted more time, but you actually pursued getting more time. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Oh and FWIW, I'd like to give her a few of these, too!
:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

One of my personal pet peeves is when waywards use phrases such as "our house", "we have plans to do xyz",,,,,,,,,,,,,UGH!!

Thanks, Bugs, you were much clearer.

I think those judges like to stick with the status quo because it makes their decisions easier.

Whoever wants the change REALLY needs to make a stink and have some back up as to why.

Fox

The best way to do this is to have your lawyer continually send requests to have your time increased. It will then be part of the record.

Tada!

That's better.


Fox

Well.. in that case it's pretty well documented.

Over the course from June until now there's been a letter from my lawyer making the offer..

Her lawyer saying I can have Tues and Thurs and alternating weekends..

My documented request in my log on Sunday

My email today

and her denial... all on just this one issue..

Then there's the fact I had to swap weekends this year so DS could attend his friend's party, and the documentation in my log that she pretty much blew off the request for additional time last year, facilitating the need to 'swap' weekends this year..

Then in my log I've documented a holiday last year that I had off work, that she didn't that I asked for him, and she said it didn't work with her schedule..

Ahh.. it goes on and on.. request after request, just blown off or denied.

And you know.. she had to have heard DS ask me to ask her about it on Sunday so she -knows- it's what HE wants..

I could have told her the full truth that he didn't want 2 days a week.. he said he wanted to stay the whole week with me..

Now here I am -trying- to be fair and diplomatic.. and this is all I ever get in return.. this is the best she -chooses- to do for our son..

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:


UGH!!!.. I'm so mad I could spit...

Maybe a single malt is in order tonight...

Well MEDC.. on the whole 'cooperation' conversation.. I think WW gets the picture..

More 'Inside the minds of waywards'... my Friday journal update:

10/10/2008: Picked DS up at normal time at the daycare. I did find it a bit odd that he did not bring a bag this weekend, and asked the daycare workers about it. They said that they had not seen one that day, which was ok with me as I would prefer he wear the clothes I have for him at home as all of the outfits WW sends him in are stained or have holes in them.

DS and I joined my mom and DD for dinner after DD’s volleyball practice. We ran a little late however because DS needed to go to the bathroom at daycare, and I ended up chatting with the daycare owner for a bit and got an update on DSD. As we were finishing up dinner, I received a very hostile call from WW and she left a voicemail demanding that I bring him home.

I called her back a bit confused after listening to the voicemail, and informed her that the mistake was not on my end, and that this was my normal weekend with him. She insisted that it was not because I had him last weekend as we had arranged to switch the weekends of September 26-28 (originally mine now hers) for October 3-5 (originally hers now mine) in an email exchange dated August 13. She said that when we switched weekends the whole schedule changed. I informed her that I had not agreed to any additional changes other than the two weekends previous. She said that the scheduled alternating weekends switched because we swapped weekends. I advised her that we did not stipulate to that in our discussion, I remembered no mention of it in the guidelines, and that I do not agree to it, and explained that if that was how it was supposed to work, then I would end up losing one of my weekends with DS every time we swapped one. She informed me that she would call her lawyer to verify and if her lawyer said she was right that she would be coming to get him with the police. I said ok, and immediately terminated the call.

WW called me back as DS and I arrived at home, still hostile and asked if I would be bringing him back. I said that I hadn't had a chance yet to look at the Guidelines and if they said that the entire schedule changed in the event of a weekend swap that I would happily return him home. The call terminated. I looked in the guidelines, then called her back to report that the only place the guidelines stipulate any modification to the normal schedule is when our normal schedule is interrupted by holidays. She stated that her lawyer said that was how it worked, and the whole schedule changes. I told her that we did not agree to modify the schedule beyond swapping those two weekends and that we stated very clearly in the emails to each other the specific dates that would be switched. I advised her that I would be happy to try to accommodate her plans at the last minute, however we would need to immediately schedule a makeup weekend as stated in the Guidelines. She said she would get back to me and hung up.

DS and I put our plans to go to the park on hold as we waited for the call that never came, and went outside to play with his friends XXX and XXXX in the neighborhood, and as they were going inside the twin boys from down the street came and wanted to play baseball and football with us in the side yard. We played until dark, and then came in, got a shower and then we played with his learning computer for a little while, and then watched an episode of Transformers until it was time for bed. I checked my email as things winded down and found the following:


---------------------------------

James,

I am not going to agree to give you make up time for a weekend that isn't yours. Last weekend was your "scheduled weekend." You know this is not something that I can fight you over because it is the weekend and you are taking advantage of it. I can't say that I am fine with it because I am not, but there is nothing that I can do about it right now. If you are still insistent on not bringing DS back, tell him I will call him tomorrow and not to worry, we will do what we planned another time.

WW


After DS had gone to bed for the night, I sent the following reply:

WW,

For your records, an excerpt from section C of the Order Adopting Parenting Time Guidelines updated through March 2008 which can be found at



http://www.in.gov/judiciary/rules/parenting/index.html


We made an arrangement on August 13 that I would give up my weekend of September 26-28, and make up the weekend on October 3-5 (see sub-item 2 above) in order for DS to be with me on October 5 so that he could attend his best friend's birthday party, which you denied (by telling me you would think about it and then never giving me an answer) additional parenting time for him to attend last year. This was agreed upon in email dated August 13 which you mentioned yesterday you would review in your files.

This weekend -is- my normally scheduled weekend, as is the weekend of October 24-26, November 7-9 and so on. We have made no arrangements, and have not agreed to change the schedule beyond the weekends of September 26-28 and October 3-5 for the month of October, and have no additional agreements in place beyond the week beginning December 7 which you have agreed would be my last weekend of extended parenting time for 2008.

I would hardly call anything about this situation advantageous to anyone, especially our son, but it is not, and was never my choice or our son's for us to live our lives in this fashon. I have done my best today to be as accommodating as possible, now I would appreciate very much if you would discontinue any further harrasing emails and phone calls on this matter, as it is very disruptive to my already severely limited scheduled time with our son.

You are welcome of course to call and talk with DS any time.

Regards,
James

----------------------------------------


I might add however that the rest of the weekend was wonderful and full of adventure for DD, DS and I as we hit the local children's museum for 'friendly hours' at their haunted house (which they make a big t-do about every year).. and took in a corn maze and hayride after dinner on Saturday... Sunday was the last of DD's softball doubleheaders, so we hung out at the ballpark most of the day.. the exchange on Sunday was uneventful, most likely because my mom and DD were outside with us when she pulled up.. I'm sure had there not been witnesses it probably would have continued..

stupid waywards..

James!!! WOW!!! I think this was outstanding!

After her ranting & raving, doing the usual Wayward stomping her feet temper trantrum, emails & phone calls, you stood firmly and used a great deal of restraint & class!

Your reply was factual (perfect!), to the point, but you didn't let her completely off the hook, as you still spoke the truth for you and DS!!

Fantastic! I am very impressed.

Thanks Bugsy.. I'm glad so far everyone I've explained the situation to thinks I did exactly the right thing, and has been very supportive.

Like you though I think I'm having -way- too much interaction with WW.. seriously, my intentions were to go completely dark, but this didn't seem like one of those occasions where it would have been advantageous to -not- give a full, detailed explanation of my position.

This wasn't an 'I'm right you're wrong' situation.. my mindset was an 'I'll be damned if you're going to take any more time away from me and DS..'

I'd have gone to the mattresses this weekend if that's what it took.. and I was ready.. and actually kinda hoping (apart from the trauma it would have caused DS) to see the sherriff show up.. been a while since he and I last chatted.. good friend of the family.