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Bumping for SITM.

How did your talk go yesterday?


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
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Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I've only got a minute to update but real quick-Well, dh got home at 11:30 Sat. night. I waited up for him so I could tell him what has been happening. We talked til 3am. He was amazing about the whole mess. I told him I had cut off contact with om(whom he knows) and we tried to figure out a way for us to spend more time together. I'll post more on all the details later but my questions is: if the mb program really works, how come so many here are divorced, separated, or the like? Do both spouses have to be 100% willing to make it work? I am willing and he is willing but I still am nervous about not being able to build a fabulous marriage like we both want. And, does anybody know of a fab.marriage counselor in Milw. area?? Is contacting Steve Harley going to help me grow those feelings of complete utter melting in my skin love for my bh that I long for? We did spend an hour together yesterday just us,no kids and it was wonderful. Love you all, you are all so kind and helpful!

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Stuckinthemud,

Good for you. I am glad you told him.

Besides the Harley stuff I would also like to recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was a very good eye opener for both of us.

LC





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Quote
Do both spouses have to be 100% willing to make it work?

Pretty much...

Though Dr Harley's work is amazing and his methods really do offer a lot of hope, so many end up divorced or separated because the WS won't end the affair no matter what the BS does.

In those cases a separation is called for (Plan B) until the affair ends. But sometimes the BS simply gets tired of waiting or waits too long before Plan B and their love for the WS dies a slow death.

Good job on telling your husband.

That's the first step. Now comes the hard part.



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Originally Posted by stuckinthemud
I'll post more on all the details later but my questions is: if the mb program really works, how come so many here are divorced, separated, or the like?

Because it takes 2 people to have a great marriage.

Quote
Do both spouses have to be 100% willing to make it work? I am willing and he is willing but I still am nervous about not being able to build a fabulous marriage like we both want.

Don't worry then if you are both committed. Dr H actually even makes this a GUARANTEE if you attend his weekend seminar. Afterwards you are assigned a staff member to walk you and your H through the program. You also have daily access to Dr Harley on the weekend forum. Doing the weekend is the best way to do this if you can afford it.

Second best would be to get coaching from Steve Harley. He can do in 3-4 sessions what most marriage counselors can never do.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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melody=so you are saying if you attend the weekend thing for 2000 (is that per person or couple?) then you also get someone who walks you through the process? HOw long after the seminar do they help you for? Did you do this??

Mark-thanks,I feel pretty good about telling him-I mean I feel awful that I had to hurt him like that but he had already begun to read HNHN so he understood what happened. I am not proud of what I did but I am proud that I had the sense to end it after only 7 emails total rather than before it got way beyond that.

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Originally Posted by stuckinthemud
melody=so you are saying if you attend the weekend thing for 2000 (is that per person or couple?) then you also get someone who walks you through the process? HOw long after the seminar do they help you for? Did you do this??

Yes, we did do this and it completely changed the dynamic of my marriage. They will stick with you for YEARS or until you GET IT. It is $2000 per COUPLE and is the best, most effective program I know of. They also give you a whole package that includes most of the MB books and the whole CD program and all the workbooks. You do lessons every week and then take a survey about the lesson.

They work with you on an individual basis to determine the order of the lessons. If you run into any big road bumps, Dr H usually calls you personally to help. But, you always have the option of posting to him on the weekend board and he will answer you there.

Go check out the link above and look at his video about the seminar. We think it was awesome and made a vast difference in our marriage. HE really means it when he says he can teach people to FALL IN LOVE. It really is true.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by stuckinthemud
melody=
Mark-thanks,I feel pretty good about telling him-I mean I feel awful that I had to hurt him like that but he had already begun to read HNHN so he understood what happened. I am not proud of what I did but I am proud that I had the sense to end it after only 7 emails total rather than before it got way beyond that.

Very proud of you SITM!!


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
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DDAY May 06


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Hey M2L! Good to see ya, friend! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Mel. Hope all is well with you down in Texas. I give you people lots of creadit for being able to help so many people out for so may years. Good to see your still around with the others.

Last edited by Maybe2late; 10/13/08 03:01 PM.

M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
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Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Hello, this is stuckinthemuds dh,
Not sure if I am doing this right or not. I don't get much computer time, most of my time is spent with family and as you guessed... work. I found this thread open when I got home early (been working on that lateley) and just wanted to say thank you everyone for helping my wife through this tough time. I love her and am committed to a great marriage.

dh



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I was just telling my husband I am so happy we were able to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life. I am so happy she listened to us, it says a lot.

Edited to add: by biggest mistake I meant heading down the path of destruction.

LC

Last edited by lifeschoice; 10/13/08 04:21 PM. Reason: add a thought




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Originally Posted by stuckinthemud
Hello, this is stuckinthemuds dh,
Not sure if I am doing this right or not. I don't get much computer time, most of my time is spent with family and as you guessed... work. I found this thread open when I got home early (been working on that lateley) and just wanted to say thank you everyone for helping my wife through this tough time. I love her and am committed to a great marriage.

dh

Hi DH, I am so sorry this has happened to you. We all understand that affairs are devastating and are here to help you.

Might I suggest making up your own screen name and starting a thread just for yourself so we can help you? You will need the most help since you are the victim here. It is usually best in these circumstances for the husband and wife to have their own threads and stick to their own threads.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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SITM,

How are you and DH doing? Do you think he will start his own thread? He will get a lot of help from the people here.

Your dark days now will get brighter with time and work.

pulling for you,

M2L


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
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Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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I'm on vacation but wanted to say this...

grin

SITM...If you're really committed don't give up till you have the marriage you both want.

Mark

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I am not proud of what I did but I am proud that I had the sense to end it after only 7 emails total rather than before it got way beyond that.

Good for you, Stuckinthemud. That's a great beginning. How are things going?

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Honestly, when I left this site open with my post and dh found it I wanted to crawl in a hole. There were so many hurtful things but I feel it worked out best in the long run. I never ever would have had the courage to purposefully let him read those hurtful things but now that he has, it will only allow us to grow stronger. He also read the last post I had sent to om indicating I could not be in touch with him anymore and then om did email back and apologize for telling me his feelings and confusing things further, dh read that too. I'm not sure if he read the other 3 mails I had sent to om or not. Then we tried to block om but couldn't do it and dh didn't care but I need him blocked because I don't want an email from om to pop up in my inbox and throw me off track again. Anyway, dh has been home waaaay earlier the last couple of days (thus the way that he found my thread here) and we are having a great time together. We always have a great time together. It is just that for the past six years we have not spent much time together. We never have problems solving disagreements. For us it is not an issue of needing help with conflict resolution. I was able to trace something back that I was not aware of until now. We struggled with infertility 6 years ago. I spent many many nights home alone crying and feeling devastated while he kept busy with other things and dealt with it very scientifically (he was a biologist previously). It was way back then that I pulled away a little bit. Then our dd was born. Then 2 miscarriages, 2 d and c's and a major surgery while preg. with my 2nd child, with him working all the time, add in 3 moves and 3 job changes to that and the addition of our 2 kids and it all adds up to a not very conducive environment to keep our marriage at the forefront. Anyway, so we are working on things. In all that I did, dh was the most hurt by the fact that I had set up a new yahoo account and emailed lots of friens and om my new email address but didn't include him into it. That was my way of finding an excuse to email om to establish contact with him. Well,dh figured this out and justkept saying "how could you cut me out, how could you do that. I took this job for you because I knew you hated your job. I took it so you could quit and be a sahm. And this is what I get.How could you cut me out"?? Boy, did I feel like an unworthy speck of dirt. So, in all, things feel better to me. Is there a honeymoon phase where right after things are discovered things get good for awhile because I am just so happy to know he isn't going to leave me, that he is going to forgive me?? I just really really really want to be madly in love with my husband. Thank you all, I can't tell you how grateful my heart is for all of you. And maybe2late-you are the best.

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SITM,

I’m glad to read that things are working out for you two, but it is not over so please don’t leave here. You two will gain lots of info/help on how to have a better marriage and not let this happen again.

It was the best thing that your DH found your emails. He saw for himself that you didn’t want OM, but wanted him. We understand the hurt your DH is going through and it very well might take a rollercoaster path for him (and you) and he will need help with that. Please have him sign up here if he has questions.

Right now you two need to: spend quality time together, be transparent, be understanding and listen to what each other has to say.

Again, I’m glad that you two are doing well and I’ll be checking in from time to time, but if you need me, you can PM on the other site (your DH can also).

happy for you,

M2L




M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
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DDAY May 06


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Hey StuckintheMud,

How's it going?

Quote
Is there a honeymoon phase where right after things are discovered things get good for awhile because I am just so happy to know he isn't going to leave me, that he is going to forgive me?? I just really really really want to be madly in love with my husband.

Yes, there is a honeymoon phase....it differs in length and intensity for each couple. Ours has been going on for many months now and it's still getting better. (That doesn't mean that we don't have our dips on this rollercoaster but it's moving steadily forward.)

You and your DH can build (or rekindle) the passion you desire if you read the articles on this site and learn about the LB$ (Love Bank), LBs (Love Busters), ENs (Emotional Needs), RH (Radical Honesty) and POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). Most important are the hours of UA (Undivided Attention)....(eta) ideally 25 hours per week to start. After D-Day #4, my WH and I spent 10 days straight in UA (every waking moment except for baseball time) ....about 140 straight hours....or we would not have survived my EAs or his EAs. (That's a bit extreme but it worked for us....we read HNHN and LB on our 'vacation'.)

If there is something you don't understand, just ask. This can be your thread but if he hasn't already, it would be good if your DH might start his own thread for his questions and support.

Again, thanks for the update and we're all glad you were seeking solutions before your EA progressed to a PA.

Ace

Last edited by _Ace_; 10/19/08 07:35 PM. Reason: UA hour correction

FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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