I hated the movie because it was crap.

Ok, I thought it was just me. I heard everyone talking about how great it was. I saw it a couple of years after it came out. I didn't think it was that great and it was a big let down after all the hype I heard.

Good evening Folks,

I cannot believe all the women who didn't like "Titanic".....

And I thought I was the only one....my world is a little more crowded....

Well, things are going okay here. No complaints (except about the hair....3 weeks and counting...) which in itself is good. I mean I still have rough days, though not nearly as often. It may be because I'm past the 6 month Dday angry mark, it may because NC has been in place as far as I can tell, or it could be that WS didn't do business with COW this time around just like he promised. Or maybe because he is making future plans with me and with us as a family....or it may be because of me....

Lets see, its been 10 months since my first Dday, when I instantly went on the "BS" affair diet. I lost 42 lbs, 5 of which I gained back after surgery in June, but for the most part still have kept it all off. I am still in my size 4 jeans and WS is still finding me quite sexy. I do feel like I am gaining some back, but the scales keep telling me different. I do teeter-totter between 3 pds, but for the most part it has stayed away. I think I softened up some and really need to get back to working out seriously. I know I wanted to sign up for some kick-boxing classes and I need to quit procrastinating and just do it......

I am still keeping up with my GODDESS routine. I have spent more money on clothes, make-up, hair cuts, pedi's and unmentionable's this year than I did in the last 5 yrs. alone. Maybe even 10. That my friends is sad....ESPECIALLY upon finding out that WS #1 EN is PA.....So it is THAT EN I keep in mind whenever I feel not so GODDESSY or when I want to slack off in that dept. I also keep in mind that this is what the first "change" WS noticed while he was visiting "Affairland".....

I think the most important thing I learned from the Harley's was the concept of EN'S and love banks. When it came to understanding my WS needs I just remember what DR. H said....

"A need is something that you think or fantasize about frequently...."

I'm sure that is not the quote totally and I can't remember where it was I read it, but it was when I read that and applied it to MY own needs, that the lightbulb came on and I finally got it.....(I applied it to my need for Conversation....I talk to myself in my head regularly.....heck, I have been "caught" having these conversations even... )

The area that I really grew in though was SF. My understanding of sex before the A, and what I was raised with and "thought" I knew....well, it was totally off base. WS was never able to explain it well enough for me to grasp the concept, but yet reading about that in HNHN....well, I got it...and man oh man, did I grieve. I grieved for my poor, poor WS and all that he missed, all that I had done...I grieved for myself in not FULLY understanding the gift he was giving me...the love he wanted to share....Anyway, I learned it well. I have changed my attitude about it 180*. I don't EVER turn him down (it was in DR. Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husband's", that a man had written to her,,,"it is hard enough to be rejected when you are fully clothe, but it is DEVASTATING to be REJECTED while naked.."....OMG...I cannot imagine the pain and humiliation of that. So, lesson learned...). Mimi also helped to RE-ENFORCE my learning of that. SEx is way more important than I ever TRULY KNEW and understood. I also didn't understand enough about my self or my own body. Well, I take that back, I understood it, but was too shy and timid to talk about it or bring it up.....now I do. And WOW.....what a difference that makes.....WS always was able to push the right buttons, but now....... .....let's just leave it at that.....

And now for my check-up on DS......this has been my hardest struggle of them all.....I still struggle on a daily basis. And when I do I find myself repeating past bad behavior or trying to put the blame elsewhere, which does nobody any good. This will probably always be my biggest struggle. I know a lot of you can't understand this one.....I wish it were different. BUT I am committed to this change....and maybe possibly one day it will be conquered. WS has been helping me find "solutions" to solve this issue. Though it is a constant battle for us. This is the area where POJA could use some more practice.......

So, that is where things stand at the moment. I still am giving him affection....I do find that when I get down or think about everything, I do try and do something for WS (I know, I know,,,,,,he has the A and I do something nice.....). I have also learned on here that LOVE is an ACTION VERB. So, I find that during the times I DON'T want to LOVE my WS....those are the VERY times I NEED to love my WS......

And don't worry all, he is doing plenty for me, I just wanted this post to be about me and what I am doing for our recovery and how I am fairing on my self-improvements that I start oh so very long ago.....

not2fun


ps...I forgot to mention....I gave WS all of my "evidence" of the A. All the cards I had confiscated, all my notes, everything. I did this because holding on to it was weighting me down, I learned this was something that bothered WS (he thought I was holding on to it for "payback" in court...), and I just really didn;t need it any more. I have what I really need at home.....anyway, WS threw it all away right then and there, in the garbage, which went out this morning....right where it all belonged......

WONDERFUL!!!!

Ditto!

Good morning folks....

Well, I was afraid this would happen. Every time I post about some good things, the next day seems to be bad.

No nothing happened, but for whatever reason I am just feeling lousy over everything....its still the anger I suppose. I am really quite tired of this emotion. I have wasted way too many years of my life on it and really don't want to waste any more.

It seems my anger at COW is there. I am not sure why. I do hate giving her any room in my head, but none-the-less there it is.

It may be due to the fact that I have been up since 3am with DD14. She hurt her wrist last night and I am getting ready to go get her x-rays....so that may be a lot of it. It may be that my sinuses are acting up, or it may be the fact that a weird number came up on WS phone over the weekend. I did ask him about it (not in an accousatory tone, BUT he knew what I wanted and why....). The explaination seemed okay, but it also not so solid....I don't know.

Anyway, who knows......anyway, the anger is there and I am just plain weary of it.....hmmmmm...someone else wanna carry this load for me????.....

not2fun

ANGER at the OW was the LAST THING to go away for me, too...

I think it's cause I couldn't deal directly with HER...

I just couldn't get..still don't..how someone could be so knowingly CRUEL...to another person...

My H says it's "SELFISHNESS"..when I ask him about it...

Thanks Mimi....

I am doing better. Nothing like a little "retail" therapy to help lighten the mood....btw, I got the CUTEST little mini skirt...(I don't do dresses and skirt EVER....I just don't have the legs for them...). It will go GREAT with the knee-length boots I bought over the weekend.... .....the outfit is one WS saw on an episode of friends, that I stored in the old brain for future use......hmmmm

OK, I do have a confession here.......

In the post last night, I had stated that I NEVER turn WS down for sex. That is not true. I did do this about 3 wks ago. Well, kind of. It was more of a reverting to my "old ways".....I went a little over board, WS got a little freaked out. I was upset. And he even said something to the effect of me going back to my old ways, which at the time instead of being a wake up call for me, just made me more defensive. Anyway, we got through the episode, and the next morning I thought about it and OMGOSH.......it was like an awakening for me. WS was right. It was like I had gone back to doing what I didn't want to be any more. I called him immediately and apologized profusely. I felt so HORRIBLE. He forgave me immediately and said for us to move on. Which, was VERY gracious of him.....

Anyway, it did show me how EASILY it is for one to "undo" their changes and how quickly one can revert back to the behavior that destroyed the M in the first place......

Anyway, I did want to confess.....didn't want to be misleading.....

not2fun


ps....I will touch more on "selfishness" later......

Ok....gonna jot down a few "issues" I am having.....these are thoughts I have had "pop" into my head in the last week or so.....I just wanted to get them out so I can let them go...(because in some ways its a little misplaces....I think...)

Ok, I've had a little bit (a very little bit, but it is there none-the-less...) of anger towards the COW'S H. Is that normal or even okay????...Yes I realize he was an innocent victim, as I in all of this, and he was going crazy on what to do as I and I realize he didn't have MB....but......

Let me explain......

These are the facts as I know them, gathered from both the emails between WH and COW, also from information gathered from COW'S H himself.....so....

COW'S H "suspected" something was off with his wife in Dec. Began thinking along the lines of an A in late Dec./Jan. She moved out BRIEFLY (ok...more like overnight....) @ Jan 10. He REALLY began to believe their was an A going on in mid-Jan. Didn't find anything out concrete until COW tells him mid-March, day before I contacted him.....

Now, during this whole time he was doing his own version of Plan A, intermingled with MAJOR THREATS of telling the children, hiring a PI, and all basic LB's. But what gets me is he KNEW about the business plans before I did. He knew WS name, where he was from, ect. COW'S H also KNEW of all the times she came her except for the New Years Visit (he knew about the visit on Super Bowl weekend that got stretched out, Valentines Weekend, and that last and final weekend when I had caught them....). And he let her come anyway, even though he SUSPECTED an affair. But he never snooped. Never hired a PI, never did any of the things I learned about on here, never did ANY OF IT UNTILL.......after the truth came out.

THEN he put spyware on the computer, got a VAVR, and ordered all kinds of backround checks......heck, he even KNEW that NC was NOT established during all those weeks from the time I first talked to him up until the cruise.....(information he did not bother to share with me until I talked to him in Aug....).

So, I guess I am a little frusterated as to why he didn't do any of that back when he first suspected, especially when he was privvy to information I was not (remember, I never knew about her being in town, except Valentines weekend.....), which had he acted on some of this, the A may have been "exposed" much earlier.

I kind of feel like he dropped the ball and I also feel a little of no respect for him, because while he didn't "lie down and take it" persay, but he really didn't stand up for himself and his marriage......

ok...that's out. I know this is water under the bridge, and that the man was hurting and desperate and confused as I was. I also know he was like a fish without water, since he was going about this blindly. So in that aspect, I do feel for him......

I also know things can't be changed and that in a small way me getting to be the one to find them and expose them really re-inforced my own self-respect....

oh well.....

I hope none of the BH's here take this the wrong way. This is not meant to be a downer on COW'S H or any other BH, and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have any similair thoughts about me and what I could have done better.....but sometimes when I think about how he knew she was here and at least could have hired a PI or come and busted them himself,,,,well.......and who knows, there may be some information or reasoning I don't know about, pieces of the puzzle that got lost never to be found.....

oh well......over and done dealt with.....affairs suck for ALL BETRAYED SPOUSES,.......

NOT2FUN

POOR MAN didn't know about MBers...

I know,...I know...in some ways I really feel sorry for him, because even without this place I would have known what to do from reading SAA. ....and like I said, I am not real angry, in fact, angry may even be a little harsh. Upset maybe???

Like I said, I just wanted to get this down, because it was/is part of my experience in this and it came to mind a couple of times....

but no, the blame still lies squarely where it should....on the WS.....

not2fun

ps...Mimi....You should see my new outfit...It is SO girly girl.....WS is gonna be knocked out of his boots........it is TOTALLY KILLER.....

Good evening folks.....

Well, Not is sick. Ughhhhh...I hate being sick.

Anyway, WS and I had the most incrediable talk last night. Actually, it was cute because he was going to be late last night due to a late seminar and he called on his way home to make sure I wasn't asleep yet. He told me to stay awake and that his day was turned around and he wanted to share some things with me.....this was VERY GOOD and not like WS at all, even Pre-A.

Anyway, we talked for 2 1/2 hrs. It was very good. He told me all kinds of things, such as his future business idea's, goals, and all of that....it was avery special bonding time for us....

I do want to mention that he did have a call from a BA that was pushing him to go on the trip next month, but WS couldn't be talked into it....I was very proud of him.

And it seems that WS had a big moment of guilt and remorse yesterday (this is not to say that he is not remorseful....but he doesn't like to dwell on it or even talk to me about it...).

All in all it was very good. I did feel bad for him though about the phone call and guilt stuff. Sort like I wanted to "fix it" for him, BUT that is not my job. I will be here though for when he needs me and to help him through it......

It's kind of funny because a certain someone on here gave me a big smack down last week on me NOT doing my part (Lala.....thanks girlfriend....see I LOVE YOU TOO..... ;)) and really just let me have it. At first of course I was mad, but then I realized she was right. Sooooo, I did what I needed to do, and have laid off the LB'S and really have worked hard to put my anger and resentment on hold, and its working......who knew... :RollieEyes:...

Not to say that it isn't there, but it is easier for BOTH of us to meet EN'S when we are not at odds with each other.

And because I have done that, I made the evironment "safe" for WS to come to me when he needs it, and like I would like him to do.....

Anyway, this was a HUGE step for us and I hope we continue on this path......

not2fun

I want to know if he's seen the new outfit yet...

:MrEEk:

Mark

Sounds like he mighta been rummaging around in her closet!!

nope,,,,,I'm too sick....maybe this weekend...

not2fun

Well, what can I say??? Am I a glutton for punishment??? Too addicted to the drama???? Maybe just unsure exactly how I am supposed to get through all of this......


So the lowdown.....yes I (no not WS but ME...... :o) had words with COW.....and for all of those wanting this opportunity...well it isn't all its cracked up to be....

To make a long story short, I was the one who called her work first. Was doing a check-up thing. WS was supposed to go out of town this morning. He called me at work this morning and decided at the last minute to not go. Now, I was okay with this trip and actually very supportive of WS going BUT when he called and cancelled this morning it was trigger/da ja vou city. It was just like his trip back in Jan when he kept calling and texting me from the plane not wanting to go but went anyway and it turned out that it wasn't the "business" trip I was told about. I turned out he went to her.

Anyway, I should have but didn't tell WS about the trigger but was just trying to support him this morning, all while going through the trigger on my own. Well, then he decided he would maybe go and so with all too much of this feeling like Jan, I decided to call her work to see if she would be theeation.

Well, I called and she answered, and I hung up. Didn't need to talk to her, just checking.......welllllll......

the stupid COW CALLED ME BACK!!!!!!!...

Yes I answered (it was an unmarked call, which I though would be a certain friend of mine who I had called moments before I called her.....oh, and I blocked out my own number of course....)

I know .....I should have hung up, but I was taken off guard.

Conversation of course didn't go well...she thought I wanted to talk to her since I called. I told her no, that I was just making sure she was where she is supposed to be, which was NO WHERE NEAR MY HUSBAND....to which she replied......

"I haven't bothered you in months. When are you going to let this go??? You too are holding on to this too much Not, its not healthy for you. If you keep doing this you will never heal from this or MOVE FORWARD....."...

Well, unfortunately I didn't take THAT TOO well.....

There was a few words exchanged and which she apologized again.... , which of course I told her that her need to release her guilt was not my problem and that if she were TRULY sorry she would stop trying to do that.

Anyway, it was stupid and dumb and REALLLY REALLY UPSET ME....

When I got home, WS saw how completely upset I was (upset doesn't quite cover it......) and was VERY WORRIED for me. He took me in his arms and held me, listened while I told him everything including why I triggered. He explained to me what he was going through this morning, which was NOTHING like it was in Jan.

Then he got very angry at HER ( ) for saying those things. I told him I was mostly upset because it seemed like SHE was trying to show how she was a better person than me......but it just made him dislike her more....he wanted to be my defender and protector.....

and yes, I am still struggling in this area. I know that its udderly ridiculous, BUT....I still stuggle.

Anyway, this is where things stand at the moment...and lessoned learned????.....be more open with WS on this stuff, though which is hard when we are still establing trust.....

not2fun

OH MY!!

please stop adding drama to your life. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT.

The OW seems to be doing what SHE is supposed to do....now it is your turn.

Leave her alone.

Get to recovery.