I'd get a friend to take your son and pick him up from the games, or let WH arrange to do so through the intermediaries.

It sucks, but it's only 4 weeks and for Plan B to be effective your WH needs *no* ENs being met by you. Also you need *no* interaction with him (including visual) if you are to preserve yourself from further pain.

So are you saying do not attend my son's games? My son is very close to me and would be very let down and nervous(he's been struggling with fear if I'm not around since this all happened)if I did not attend. Help! I understand the importance of Plan B and want to be sure once I go dark that I don't come out.

How about asking your son to suggest to his dad that you alternate the games you attend - one week him, one week you? That might also give your H food for thought if he realises that he'll not only lose you but part of his family life. Just an idea.

I like Tully's idea of alternating games, but I'd have the intermediary deliver the message rather than put your son in the position of messenger.

I wasn't considering your son's anxiety and of course he might well panic if you suddenly quit being part of his life where you've always been there for him.

Or is there a place you could watch the game where WH couldn't see you? From your car or something?

Yes I might be able to alternate and/or watch from a distance. I can run that by my son and see what he feels comfortable with. I just know somehow I need him to feel comfortable with it.

He said a few months into this all, "Mom thanks for not going crazy and leaving us." I said son I will never go crazy and never ever leave you someone would have to shoot me to keep me away from you and your sister.

He is in group therapy to deal with the anxiety and fear. He was always a little nervous but now its ridiculous. Nail biting and he has been sleeping in my bed since this happened. I told his Dr. and therapist and they said don't worry about it right now so I definitely will run it by him and see what makes him comfortable. I know if I explain it to him slowly he will probably consider one of those 2 choices.

I've only just seen that your son is only 9. I was thinking he was older. My eldest daughter is 10. Maybe if you told him that you love his dad and that you would like to resolve the problems between you but that it's very complex and difficult but for the moment you'd like him to trust you that what you are doing is for the best for everyone, his dad included. All that without going into detail and without promising success. That's what I did with my daughter and it seemed to reassure her.
Sorry if I'm intruding here, you seem to be doing a great job here all by yourself.

You're not intruding at all.

I love the input and perspectives from everyone. Its a huge help its hard to not second guess yourself.

Just catching up with your thread and I haven't read all the responses yet but I'll do my best to critique this.

Same thing - remove the fluff.

He'll have stopped reading before all this. If not, he'll just see more fluff.

Just cutting out what is more or less a reiteration of your first sentence.

Gives the impression that it can be his idea.

Strike that last sentence as he could take it as a dare to drop whatever finances. On second thought, strike anything to do with finances - don't give him any ideas.

You're probably catching on by now.



This is okay if you have signed cards like this in the past. Otherwise, shorten it down to "your loving wife" or something like that.

Remember, right now he thinks he loves her. He won't read 1/3 of the way down this lengthy letter and if he does, he'll consider it drivel.

I just wanted to say that I agree with Tabby's critique. Make the letter as short and sweet as possible. It'll have more impact.

Did you happen to read turtlehead's revision on my PBL on the previous page? I kinda like that version.

So guess what H did last night. Of course he lives with OW and for obvious reasons does not talk with me at all for anything. He buys DD17 a car ! He buys her a car when 3 months ago he accused me of not paying his credit cards off. Mind you our financial situation is difficult as is with split households.


Then last Sunday he spends 150$ on son for b-day on 3 items at the mall. When I spent 150$ over the summer to buy son his school clothes he threw a fit, and I bought double what he did.

It's like what? I'll go but all this stuff for the kids so it can ease my guilt? Help me feel better about my double life? So I'll look like the hero to the kids instead of the poop head that I'm acting like?

I am biting my stinking tongue to not LB! Lord help me I feel like I am the only sane person in this house. Did I mention that he wants DD17 to make payments and she doesn't even have a job yet and the car he had her trade in was paid for?

Okay I've ranted , I'm done! I just needed to vent, I feel better now. :crosseyedcrazy:

I just wanna scream that old commercial! Stop the Insanity.

Okay g'night!

Hi T2L,

After I posted I saw the other one. She's done something similar. Basically, cut out every thing that isn't specifically to the point of the letter. Your points are:

1. I want to recover the marriage.
2. The following conditions must be met in order to do so:
(a) The affair must end
(b) You must agree to no contact for life
(c) You must commit to working on recovery
(d) Any other condition you want to add.
3. Until such a time these conditions are met, there is to be no further contact.

You can personalize each point, but not to the extent that they take up several paragraphs a piece.

Oh, and your news about the car, this is just more evidence of his hero complex he clearly has. I'm still of the mind that Plan B sooner rather than later is your best bet. He is so cake eating right now it's unbelievable.

Last night on the radio, I think it was Focus on the Family, they were discussing responsible family finances. (I'm almost never in the car at that time, so usually I wouldn't have heard this - now I know why I did!) They were talking about parents who got their kids in financial trouble by "giving" them too much, like loaning them lots of money that the kids couldn't pay back (like to buy a house or start a business)... and they specifically mentioned a father who "bought" his daughter a car - except she was supposed to make the payments on it - and she was in tears because she couldn't afford the payments!!!

:RollieEyes:

Where you live, do you have any laws like buyer's remorse - where you have a certain amount of time to back out from major purchases - or that would require your approval for her to enter into such a contract? If she didn't sign the contract, does she have to make the payments?

I think you are well within your rights to back out of this "gift" if you want. This is not a good time, financially for your family or in general (!) to buy new cars unnecessarily! (I personally love our family's two older-but-paid-off cars.)

You can stand firm and maintain boudaries w/out LBing and w/out breaking Plan A. Plan A isn't about being a door mat.

And yes, you ARE the only sane adult around.

Don't EVEN worry about him "buying their love". Kids see right through that and it really pisses them off. Mine did, but I didn't know it. They were too polite to say what they were thinking - but boy I sure got an earful later!


Hang on, now - WHY did she agree to trade in her paid-for car? That was dumb on her part as well as his. I'd let her own this problem. Yeah, he's her Dad and yeah, she probably trusts him or felt pressured by him -- but she need to learn to be assertive and stand up for herself when she knows the person in a position of authority is wrong. That doesn't mean she has to be ugly to them, she can just take a firm, non-wavering "No, thank you" stance.

I think the buyers remorse idea is a great one under the circumstances. I don't see this as baling her out of the consequences of a bad decision, I see it as giving her access to tools she otherwise would not know about.

Well I did kinda give her an earful when she cam home, I mean she's just a few months short of 18.

She had mentioned this car idea her dad had about 2 weeks ago. I told her please try to find away to not do this. I told her I want nice things for her but in its right time.

She said she tried to say not now dad. She said mom you know how dad is I couldn't really get out of it. The car is not brand new but definitely a lot newer, 2006.

She did not sign the papers, he did. I did send him an email about adding debt to the household and my concerns about it that's all I can do at this point.

I mentioned to DD17 that this seems like a guilt offering to try and make his double life okay. She said mom it doesn't make it okay and he should have been pulling up in the driveway with me instead of going home to OW.

I'm glad to hear I'm sane. Sometimes there is so much going on and coming at you in so many directions you start to question your own sanity. There are days when I think, I can't believe this is my life. I never imagined in a million years, never did I see any of this coming.

Does this mean WH co-signed a loan for DD17?
Speak with a family law attorney. Be sure that things are arranged so that you are not held responsible for this loan when DD17 cannot make the payments.
Who is responsible for the car insurance (certain to be higher on a newer car)?

No he did not co-sign her. He was in the process of signing the papers when he told her to come down and get it. So I am guessing it is in his name.

I froze my credit when this all started, I must be notified for any credit extended in my name so he can't use my name for any loans. He is responsible for the car insurance.

Wouldn't hurt to ask your daughter if she signed anything. He could have signed his part and then had her sign her part after she showed up.

I'm hoping it's in his name and he's stuck with the bill. That would make OW squeal with delight, wouldn't it? Less money for her because of "his brat".

Boy, I sure hear you about questioning your own sanity. Things get impossibly crazy and then when you think you've really fallen into the rabbit hole, they just spiral even more out of the realm of reality. It leaves you wondering if you even know which way is up, what day it is, or what your own name is.

You're definitely sane (so far )

Just asked DD17 she said she did not sign anything only her dad.

I think my DD17 thinks I am crazy :crosseyedcrazy: . She says she understands why I feel the way I do, that it is completely unfair and it doesn't make what dad did right but in the same breath she's like whats the big deal. I'll get a job and then it won't matter since I'll be paying for it. Yeah we'll see.

Okay, I am going to cast this retarded thing off and give it to God or It will ruin my whole day.

Perspective check: I am healthy, my kids are healthy, we are all safe, I'm alive, I have awesome friends, I have awesome forum friends, H is talking with kids and kids are enjoying him, h is calling more and watching kids games and being more involved, the kids and I have food, clothing and shelter, I am in Plan A, this too shall pass, and as I often say as quoted in the movie Anger Management(w/Jack Nicholson) GRUUZZ-FFAA-BBAAHHHHHHH... I think I'll go rent that tonight....